Post # 1
Hello! This is my first post after reading many of yours for a while, I finally decided I needed some answers!
I’m not really sure where to start so I apologize in advance for this being all over the place.
My boyfriend and I started dating well over 4 years ago. We have an awesome relationship, we’ve always been faithful, love eachother and both our families mesh really well. I met my boyfriend when I was about 15 (Met, not dated). He was my best friends old brother! Crazy I know. Well now that we’re all grown up, I don’t really have anything in common with my past high school/college “best friend”. My boyfriend and I have been very stable, no break ups and have been living together 3 out of the 4 years. We have talked about getting engaged before and I know he wants to do it. He had me pick out a ring on vacation back in Sept. We didn’t buy it, he just wanted to know what I liked. Well, we came back from vacation to find out that his sister is getting proposed to on a family vacation we are all taking together in Nov. Now, they’ve only been dating for about 9 mos! She’s also been in and out of so many relationships, so it’s frustrating to me. His parents are absolutely thrilled, they think he’s this amazing guy (which he’s not, we’ve seen them fight numerous times because he’s so controlling) all his parents see is that he has money and she will be set. Because he comes from a very wealthy family. Now here I am, completely disappointed. It’s almost like I look dumb. How is this guy so head over heels in love that he feels the need to propose so soon and my boyfriend hasn’t even thought about it until now? So, I got into the car after dinner, slammed the door and told my boyfriend that if he was thinking about proposing to me to NOT to do it. I said I felt like if we got engaged really close to them it would look like I either begged him to do it or he finally thought about it because they did. Because if you think about it, they get engaged and then we do too? Why now? Why not before? I’m not ok with this and I’m not ok with sharing my moment. I made him promise he’d at least wait another year because I ended up stressing about it so much that it was making us argue. He promised but seemed really disappointed (I think he had a plan). But, I just can’t get passed the fact that they will steal our thunder and we won’t be able to enjoy it. But, on the other hand I feel like when they’re engaged and we’re not, how does that make me look? Like a complete fool for sticking around with no commitment. I just want to marry the love of my life so we can start our lives. But don’t want it to be a competition between his sister and I and she WILL make it that way. Am I wrong for feeling like this? It’s a once in a lifetime thing and I don’t want it to get overshadowed. Gosh, this is so long, I’m so sorry. Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!
Post # 3
First off, welcome to the Hive!
Second, I understand where you are coming from. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 2 years and everyone that has been dating for a shorter amount of time is getting engaged. It does not mean, however, that he loves you any less. He just has a plan. I literally have to tell myself every single morning when I wake up, he will propose when he feels it is the right time. He has a plan. You won’t look like a fool if they get engaged before you.
Take a deep breath and enjoy the time you have with your boyfriend. You sound like you have a wonderful relationship with him. When you start feeling down about not being engaged yet, just think about the great relationship you have with him.
Also, I see this whole being overshadowed thing coming up so much. Both you and your Future Sister-In-Law get 1 day–which is your wedding day. He won’t be stealing anyone’s thunder. He won’t be overshadowing anyone by proposing sooner rather than later.
I would have a talk with him and give him the ability to decide when he proposes. If he wants to do it tomorrow, he should be able to. If he wants to wait until next year, that is his choice. I’m sorry to say that but you really don’t get a say in when he gets down on bended knee.
Post # 4
@BLynn: Here is the thing. I think because you aren’t close with the SIL and upset about how fast she got engaged is ruining your soon-to-be moment. He probably was going to propose and you should let him do that on his own time. I understand that you are upset and you might have been for awhile that he isn’t proposing and you need to explain that to him that you two have been together for so long and no proposal so of course you are hurt that the SIL is really stealing your thunder. If you two got engaged around the same time who cares you should be engaged by now and why not steal her thunder!? Maybe the wedding planning will be something you two can do together?
Post # 5
@BLynn: I am sure I’d be experiencing the same feelings of “oh wow now I look stupid don’t I?” if I were in your shoes. however, if the people you’re concerned about are the type of people who are going to say bad things about you behind your back then they will say bad things about you no matter what you do. Haters are gonna hate! Even if you do everything “right” and the way you wanted it, it still would not be good enough because you have different priorities!
however, please consider that your own insecurity may be predisposing you to think that they will think negative things about you and/or that they like FSIL’s boyfriend because he has money. Is Future Sister-In-Law super difficult? Because they might just be glad that she found someone who will put up with her! Hopefully they will be equally glad when you two tie the knot. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt. and yeah…i agree with PPs who said your boyfriend should be able to pick his proposal date.
Post # 6
I think you are worrying too much about how their engagement will alter other people’s perceptions of your engagement… Don’t overthink it! You can always compare yourself to someone else, whether it’s a future SIL or someone on tv. You didn’t plan your entire relationship around these people, and I doubt anyone will think you timed your engagement based on theirs if you got engaged relatively soon after they did. Think about it, you’ve been dating your SO much longer, you didn’t start dating him in response to your future SIL! And if it takes you a litle longer to get to an engagement, so be it; 9 months is really soon, and most people will understand that. If anyone gets snarky about it, you can just tell them that you and your SO respect the gravity of marriage and wanted to be very positive that you would be together for the rest of your lives before an engagement. Waiting a reasonable amount of time is a sign of maturity, not evidence that he doesn’t love you enough to rush an engagement!
I know it can be be frustrating to feel like this throws off your plans, but try not to worry about it too much; I think people would be happy for you guys if you got engaged, not think you were doing it in response to someone else’s engagement. You guys have your own relationship, focus on that!
Post # 7
I think you’d be a lot happier focusing on what you and your SO want to do, to hell with everyone else. Don’t worry so much what other people think. It’s none of their business, anyway. To wait a year to get married just to “not look stupid” is so extreme! Just get engaged! I promise, it will be fine!
Post # 8
Comparing your relationship to others never turns out well. Everyone’s relationship is different. You have an amazing guy that you love. Please don’t make him feel like crap over his sister’s poor choices. IMO, telling him “Don’t propose for a year!” is just as bad as telling him “You have to propose this year!”. You’re making this all about you and forgetting that there’s another person in this relationship. His happiness should matter too.
Post # 9
My words of advice are this: NEVER compare your relationship to anybody else’s. You are only shooting yourself in the foot by making your SO promise not to propose to you for another year. Why not just live your own lives and if you want to get engaged, get engaged. There’s enough thunder to go around, nobody has to steal it from anybody.
Post # 10
Really??? Really really??? Why on earth do you care about someone else’s relationship? You’re willing to delay your engagement by a YEAR basically out of spite?
I honestly don’t get why proposals have become such a big deal. I mean, engagement is a big deal, but all this pressure to have some amazing event as the proposal is ridiculous. Heck, some people never get a proposal – they just decide to get married! That’s basically what H and I did. We knew we wanted to get married, we picked out a ring, he bought it, took me to a fancy restaurant that night, made a lovely speech, asked me to be his wife, and we were engaged. Boom. No element of surprise, which I could care less about. I mean, what’s the point of being surprised if you know it’s coming anyway?
I just think you’re blowing this WAY out of proportion. Just let your guy do his thing and don’t give him rules about when he can or can’t propose.
Post # 11
Ok, thanks for all the feedback. I KNOW I’m being irrational but needed to hear it over and over again before it clicked. How do I change my mind now? I feel so silly. Should I just sit down, explain my irrantional behavior and tell him the ball is in his court? You guys are absolutely right, I need to stop worrying about their relationship and focus on ours. Why is the pre-engagment stage so stressful? Maybe it’s just because I’m not spontaneous at all and always have a plan. I’m going to try to relax.
Post # 12
@BLynn: Sounds like a good plan to me. A nice sit-down talk works wonders. After 4 years, he’s seen you get a little crazy before, I’m sure! Just explain that your feelings made you irrational and that whenever and hoever he wants to propose is all good for you. I wouldn’t worry too much what others think. If they think you’re being “copycats” then they are some mean-spirited folks to begin with! Besides, if your FSIL’s Fiance is as controlling as you say he is then that ring may turn into a jail sentence for her.
Post # 13
It sounds like the competition is in your head. Her fiancé proposed she accepted, it has nothing to do with you. Focus on yourself instead of her relationship.
Post # 14
The way I see it, if he proposes close to their proposal, it won’t seem “stupid”.. it will make total sense. You can just relay to everyone if they mention it that it was a great coincidence! I understand your feelings about thunder stealing, I know I have felt that way too. But looking into this objectively, you and your guy seem to have an amazing relationship!And at the end of the day, that’s what matters.
My sister got engaged right around the exact same time line as you’re explaining (9-10) months when me and Fiance were reaching 4 years and seriously talking about marriage. I felt the same way, and then thought to myself “You know what? To hell with what everyone else thinks!” I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my guy and let things play their coarse. It took a few weeks for the anger and thunder stealing feeling to subside, though. It will pass!
If you give yourself some time to relax, maybe then have another conversation with your Boyfriend or Best Friend and tell him you were having a lot of emotions at that time but that you want things to run naturally regardless of anyone’s decisions. Good luck and I’m remember that you have such a wonderful relationship and a man you are going to spend the rest of your life with. The rest is semantics.
Post # 15
I can totally understand where you are comingn from…. I am sure I’d be a little annoyed as well. I’ve been dating my Boyfriend or Best Friend 6 years now and some of his friends (who have been dating way less) are already engaged and/or married. I figure he’ll do it when he’s ready… No matter when your engagement happens, it will be so special. Please don’t ruin it by setting up a “you must wait a year” rule! =)
Post # 16
I felt exactly the same way when my SIL got engaged… married..,. and pregnant! You just need to remind yourself it doesn’t reflect on your relationship, it is only because SIL’s man has more $$$$.
I have just tried to make sure that I do things completely differently from SIL – so that we can’t get directly compared!
But I totally agree with you telling your man not to get engaged at the moment. You should get your own spotlight!