- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2014
The ring will be ready early next week. SO is going to propose before we go home (we’re from the same hometown) for Christmas next Saturday. My immeadiate family knows and is very excited to see the ring. My mom has already started looking at MOB dresses and has offered to plan the wedding as I’ll be planning from 400 miles away.
We have kept the impending proposal secret from his parents. SO really doesn’t want to tell them until after it’s happened because he ‘doesn’t want to hear the argument’. His dad will be fine with it. FFIL and his side of the family really like me and we get along well. It’s FMIL, FGMIL and FSIL who are making me nervous. According to SO FMIL likes me as a person, but cannot accept me as a DIL. She fought with SO for a month about him moving states to be with me after we had been LDR for 4 years. She didn’t win, but she did suceed in making SO very upset. I fear she is on track to do that again over us getting engaged.
She does not approve of me because I’m not religious and in her fantasy world in her head her son is. She thinks he will regret marrying/being with someone who does not share his religious values when in actuality our moral values are very similar. The problem is that she stopped paying attention to who her son is when he started highschool, and she doesn’t know him anymore. She has been trying to reverse time and raise him again, but it’s too late he’s already an adult.
I also think that my education and job intimidate her and exacerbate her self esteem issues. I am a research scientist, and even other scientists have a difficult time understanding what I do because it is specialized. She is a manager of the school lunch program. I think that being a lunchlady was never he career goal, but she also never pushed herself to find a career above it because she doesn’t feel like she can do any better because she isn’t smart enough. I think she undervalues herself, she totally could have become a vet tech which is probably her dream job.
These two issues are not something I can really fix. On top of this I’m the girl who stole her son away. She is still going through empty nest syndrome because SO moved up here in June from a town about an hour form our home town and months later his sister moved to NC with her military husband. FMIL spent most of her time and energy for the last severl years on curbing the trainwreck that has been FSIL’s life. Now both of her children are gone and I think a lot of the blame gets put on me.
I have been dating SO since we were 16. This woman has watched me grow up and yet I still am considered an outsider. It took me 5 years to get an invite to join their family Christmas later in the day for a few hours. After 6 years I finally merit a photo with SO in their house tucked kinda out of the way on a wall of photos. This year she has been working particularly hard to exclude me.
Splitting the holiday has always worked pretty well for our families. My dad’s side has a huge party at my parent’s house on Christmas Eve while his family celebrates Christmas day with FMIL’s parents and his dad’s side celebrates on New Year’s day. SO has always come to our Christmas eve party and I’ve always gone to New Years’day. The one year I went to his family’s christmas I did my family’s normal morning thing with my Nana and then when my parents and Nana went to a movie I went to FMIL’s house and joined them.
Due to SO’s schedule at his new job we can only go home for 4 days. His mom told him that the New Years get together could be moved to either the 24th or the 22nd. He told her the 22nd would be best for us. She then pushed for the 24th and whined that he only had to go to my parents for an hour or so. I would not be able or willing to leave the one time I see my extended family a year. SO also really enjoys that party and doesn’t want to have to leave it (all of my family loves SO). Apparently FMIL doesn’t want me to come to New Year’s day at all which really offended SO. He said she’ll have to include you once we’re engaged. He started to say that she did this to BIL too, but then realized that FMIL actually goes out of her way to include BIL who has been around for a year less than I have. (BIL is BIL because he knocked up FSIL when she was 17)
I don’t really know if there is a way we can handle telling them about the engagement without her reacting badly. We really want to tell them before we come home too. Im’ so worried that the Holidays are going to be uncomfortable and dramatic. I also really worry that SO’s feeling are going to be badly hurt.
Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this or stories where it wasn’t so bad after all?