(Closed) Anxious over holiday with family + SO!

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@subtlebee:  I think the best thing to do is just to accept that it won’t go perfectly… and that’s ok. I think that especially if you guys end up getting engaged/married, you will learn more about traditions from his childhood and so on.

My SO and I have spent the past two Xmases with my family. We don’t really do a huge production for Thanksgiving. We just try to keep conversation lively and avoid talking about anything controversial. I try to go easy on the alcohol since I’m such a lightweight lol.

I think you’re also a bit nervous about if/when he’ll propose, so that’s weighing on your mind. Just try and relax and enjoy the day, and be patient with your SO as he learns more of your family’s traditions. These holidays with family can be incredibly awkward, but as long as you stick together it’ll be fine.

Post # 5
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@subtlebee:  It’s possible he won’t feel at home and will wish he is with his family. That’s totally normal. I’ve never spent a holiday away from my family, but I know I will have to at some point (his parents are in the UK and we’re in Canada). I like his family a lot, but holidays make me sentimental and I bet I will miss my family. It’s just about what you’re used to I think.

I think it’s great that you’re thinking about all this. I am sure he will have a fun time. You’re very considerate. My SO spends time with my family, but I know he’s not feeling as good as if he was with his own family, and I can’t say I blame him. He still does have a good time most of the time, though.

Post # 7
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@subtlebee:  Haha. I totally want to go to your place… I love crab and fried turkey sounds delicious!!!!

Post # 8
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@subtlebee:  I came back from a hiatus to reply to you because this is an ongoing problem for my DH and I, so I wanted to share with you some stuff that I’ve learned.

I agree with @canarydiamond:  He might always wish he were with his “own” family; especially if the way things are done with yours is so different from his traditions.  Have you asked him if there is any special food or activities you could do while you’re with your family that would make him feel more at home?  That might help.  This part will probably get easier if you ever host your own holiday events.  That way you plan what happens/food etc.  

If crab makes him sick, I definitely wouldn’t feed it to him.  That will make him even more unhappy when visiting your parents.

I know that for us, time away from family events (social stuff/parties/big dinners and my house, tv watching/sitting around at his) makes a big difference.  He goes and reads to recharge at my parents and when we’re at his parents’ place, we make sure to go for daily walks to get out of the house.  Could that work for you guys?

I know that my first Christmas away from my family, I cried. DH’s Christmas is very low key and his mom hates the holiday.  It’s awkward to me and didn’t feel like Christmas at all. It isn’t getting any easier….and now we have a baby.  We’re now having all these “great” discussions about traditions and even how we want Santa to work is different.  It’s amazing that you’re thinking about this now and that you’re trying to make him comfortable. We tried, but this is a really tricky issue.  

Post # 9
Member
6468 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Why not just ask him what some of his traditions are? Maybe what they normally eat at holiday gatherings? Then you can incorporate a few dishes or traditions that he’s used to. Maybe you can just mention to your parents that he’s a little sad over missing holidays with his family, so that they are offended if he isn’t so gung-ho on every little thing you guys do.

At some point, part of being in a relationship is being with each other’s families. I think your SO needs to be a little flexible, and just try to enjoy being with your family, even if it’s different from his. When I go to DH’s family, it’s different than mine, but I enjoy it. Over the years I’ve actually come to prefer the holidays with his family over mine. 

 

Post # 11
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@subtlebee:  Don’t give your SO too much hassle for not standing up to whatever crap your father was spewing. I wouldn’t pick a fight on a holiday with potential in-laws either! Talk to your SO about how much what your dad said bothered you, and hopefully he’ll agree that it was a bunch of crap. But it’s not your SO’s job to put your father in his place in your dad’s house. Hopefully you called your own father out if you were so bothered by it!

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