Post # 1
Hi ladies! I am new and must admit that I have lurked a little, but everyone here seems so friendly that I got up the nerve to share my story. Any advice would be so appreciated–and if my story makes someone else feel less alone that’s great too! So here goes–my SO and I have been together for just over 5 years now. We have been living together in a house we’ve owned for 2.5 of those years. I am 31 years old and have one more year left in law school; he is 44 and has a great, steady job. We split all expenses. He has been married once before and was divorced for 5 years when we met. You can probably all see where this is going–I have been ready to get engaged for awhile now and he is majorly dragging his feet (otherwise this wouldn’t be a waiting issue lol). To be fair, I didn’t enter this relationship or even enter the purchase of this house with the mindset that we need to get married. Maybe I’m a bit weird but getting married was never really a big life goal for me. I have loved the man dearly for all five years but it is only within the last two that I really started to think I love him so much that I want to be married TO HIM. It’s not that I want or need to be married in general; it’s that he is special enough to me that I want to show the world (him included) how much he means to me by making the big commitment! Twice in the past two years I have asked him whether he sees marriage in our future. Both times I have told him exactly how I feel and both times he has only said “I’m not really against it” and that is about IT. If I press him a little for clarification he gets angry and clams up. Overall our relationship is happy outside of typical little quarrels. I know that his divorce was not really nasty and there are no kids or alimony involved. So what gives? Lately it has really started to bother me more because I am afraid we don’t feel the same about each other. The kicker came last night when I asked him to accompany me on an short out-of-town trip for job interviews with law firms–something really important and stressful. He said “I don’t know, what’s in it for me.” I was floored and am now really re-examining the relationship. I love him very much but am afraid it’s just not returned in kind! But then he talks about where we will vacation years from now so he’s not looking to leave! My story is maybe odd because I do not want to be married just for the sake of it; it’s that my relationship with HIM feels un-whole otherwise. And, this is not about kids–I decided that if I ever want kids, I will adopt them myself. What should I do? I’m so sad about this. If you’ve read this whole long rant bless your heart. 🙂
PS–two years ago after I told him that marriage was important to me because of how I feel about him, we looked at some very affordable rings online. But that is as far as that ever went.
This topic was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by MzRazzleberry. Reason: typo; tried to remove poll I didn't need
Post # 2
Thats an interesting story. I’m not really sure what to make out of his comment “whats in it for me”… was he joking? I could maybe see my SO making that comment as a joke… if he wasn’t joking then it was kind of rude and mean.
I think you need to have a serious heart to heart with him. Really open up to him and tell him again what marriage means to you. The issue I worry about though, is that it sounds like marrying you doesn’t hold the same importance to him and that would bother me if I was you. Tough situation.
Post # 3
Hello fellow Bee-lawyer! 🙂 Im waiting too and were almost the same age (I’m 30) and I can very much so relate that wanting to get married really wasn’t a big thing until I met my SO. When I was a little girl, I never dreamed of my wedding day… I dreamed of going to law school and getting an awesome career and traveling the world. When I met my SO, these dreams stayed the same, only now I wanted to share them with him and want to be married to him so badly. Weird how it happened but finding the right person really made me want to make that commitment.
He’s already being difficult just to accompany you at out of town interviews? i don’t know in which jurisdiction you live and if you have bar exams there… But you will need his 100% support during the exams if you do! I was basically a studying zombie for weeks on end. He cooked, cleaned, did my laundry, got groceries… I couldn’t take care of myself because all I could do or think of was studying. I wouldn’t have dared taking an hour off to cook dinner, without him I would just have eaten takeout for weeks ( and I know a bunch of people who did!). I think the bar exams are a challenge for every relationship. i hope your partner is supportive and that he was just joking. That kind of “what’s in it for me” attitude at his age in a long term relationship seems very surprising to me.
I think a calm, sit down discussion is in order. Tell him what you said in the post. That you didn’t enter the relationship with the idea of marriage but that being with him makes you want to be married to him. That you feel something is missing ( I feel the same and can relate to that!). Tel him it’s important to you and you’d like to hear his thoughts on the matter. if you ask his opinion, and he gets mad or frustrated, ask him why talking about marriage makes him react that way. Maybe because he was marrived once it’s a sensitive topic. Maybe he doesn’t want to re-marry. If that’s the case, you need to know. I know it’s easier said than done but at this stage in your relationship you owe it to yourself to be honest about your needs.
Post # 4
There’s nothing you can say or do to suddenly convince him to get engaged. We can’t control people like that.
All you can do is look in to your heart, figure out what you truly need, and tell him. Some women don’t feel a need to get married. Other women need to have a marriage certificate within 2 years, other women 10 years. What do you need, and how long are you willing to wait for it? Figure out these answers before you proceed.
Post # 5
This is a tough one, but I wonder if his comment or any of his other actions would come across to you this way if you weren’t in the marriage mindset that you are in now. I think some of us tend to overanalyze things that we wouldnt think twice about before the dreaded Wait period. You should take a step back and think has anything with your SOs general behavior and attitude changed during the last year or is it your outlook and interpertation that has. In either case, I think you are in the right to have a heart-to-heart discussion with him about what you want in the next 1-2 years, and ask him that since you were detailed in your answer you would like for him to give you the same back in his reply.
I wish you all the best in your home life and professional. You sound like you have a lot of wonderful things ahead of you!
Post # 6
MzRazzleberry: With his latest comment, I question his devotion & support for you as well. You’ve been together for 5 years. At this point, you should be able to ask “What do you envision for our future?” and “do you see yourself marrying me?” So far I’m getting the vibe that he is very much in control of how the relationship progresses. He needs to acknowledge your feelings about it, not get angry and shut down. You need to have that discussion, but beforehand you should consider that he might not be willing to enter into marriage again, and whether that’s a problem for you.