- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
Hi bees,
This is a bit of an update. Any advice would mean a lot to me. I have to decide by tomorrow if I am going to have my big wedding with my family, as planned- or let my reservation fall through and do something else with just my FI and best friends.
I have sent save-the-dates. I have a $750 non-refundable deposit already down. Tomorrow I have to send another $750 (to my venue) if I am having the big family wedding. The problem is- my family.
Long story short- they hold me back and hurt me. I have spent much of my life putting them first. My Dad got out of jail last night and wanted to use my car and cell phone - the car just to get gas so he could go in his boat. He tried everything to get me to do what he wanted. And he just wanted to go goof off with me. He showed up out of nowhere, no warning, and I have my own things to deal with. I was able to stand up to him in the end after he tried to impose much guilt and trouble. It is very difficult to have parents with so many problems. I told him how I felt about the wedding and he shut down any of my feelings. I told him my sister, who is bi-polar was doing better (the last time I saw her) compaired to ever before and he (denies she is bi-polar although she has been in and out of mental inst. and has herself become aware) said that she never had a problem it was just me being in "little sister mode," that she just had big sister-itis. Hm.
My mother ripped our family apart overnight when I was 6. We literally woke up in the car and had no idea what was going on and she was married that day to someone else. He was VERY abusive and killed all of my animals and later himself. Sorry this is so heavy.
Anyhow, she married again instantly and built a house in the backyard with her new husband and had a baby and my two older sister's went off to college- all at once. Needless to say, yikes. The thing is- through all of this, I have been able to remain rational and I am extremely compassionate. Probably to a point of hurting myself. I have had to ALWAYS put them first. My mother was so needy, and my feelings have never been validated and they treat me very badly. We were moved around so many times that I have no home and was not able to establish lasting friendships until I met my fiance. (It has been hard.)
The problems continue. That is the real problem. My mother thrives off of hurting others, so there is always a problem, no matter how I try or believe there won't be- there is always a problem. She can make anyone cry in three words. Her father did it to her, she does it to her daughters and even to strangers. It is as if she needs people to thrive off of.
Also, she did not send the $ for the second deposit to us and it is due on Monday (has to be sent tomorrow). (She promised it in March) I think the bottom line is- I am afraid not to have this wedding because it will be cutting a chain I have to them, in a way. But, I have always wanted to get away from them. I know there are rational reasons- like the money not being here- but they will not see any rational reason- they will insist I am doing it to hurt them (if I cancel the wedding). That, of course, is not my reason or intention. They only think of themselves. What should I do? I have always done everything for them, to avoid the thunder that they impose, but they do impose it anyway. If I try to scrape together the needed money, I will be late on rent. I just never want to hurt anyone, probably because I have been so hurt.
I want to believe in them, but they always disappoint me. Should I sacrifice myself so they can enjoy this wedding by making this deposit on my own? My mother said she would send it by the end of the month, but that is too late. Is it worth it anyway? Thank you for taking the time. This means a lot to me.
I don't really see any reason to cancel your wedding, except for a monetary issue. IMO, the reasons to call off your wedding have to do with you and your FI, if you don't want to marry him.
Is there any way that you can send some money to your vendor and promise the rest next month? Or pay half to the vendor and half rent and work something out with each party?
I'm sorry that your family has been so horrible to you, but don't let them ruin your big day! Remember that it's not about them, it's about celebrating your bond and your new life with your FI!
Shoot, I wish I could give you a hug. You sound like a very gracious person who's just been worn thin and disappointed over and over.
Honey I think you need to wash your hands of the $750 and elope. I mean, seriously. Your family is acting ridiculous. We all have some ridiculous family members but yours are taking advantage of you. I think it's time to stand up and say "it's not about you, it's about me" and do what is right for you and your husband to be. Throwing the wedding for them is not the way to enjoy being newly married.
I'm of the firm belief that you should never really sacrifice yourself for others in the ways you are talking about. It's one thing to sacrifice and give, to help, etc. But they are burning you. You can't expect them to really be there for you...take care of yourself. Put yourself first.
If they impose the thunder, you have every right to say, "call me when you are calm" and hang up. It's a technique a grief counselor gave me and it WORKS with my dad. I felt SO guilty at first letting him rip me a new one but really, sometimes you gotta do it. It's for the best.
You cannot NOT pay your rent in order to pay for the wedding. It's NOT WORTH IT. If they are SO selfish they cannot see that you are cancelling the wedding because of finances (rent vs wedding? hmmm. that's money), they will just have to freakin' get over it.
I think you should just say "screw you" and run off with your FI and the people that you love and you know love you back and go get married somewhere. Go to Vegas! Go to the court house! Just do whatever make YOU happy and will keep YOU from stressing! If things are that bad with your family then you shouldn't have to deal with that. I hope everything works out for you and your FI! I will keep you in my prayers! (Hugs from Alabama)
I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this. If I were you, I would exclude your family from the wedding and just do something with FI, best friends, and possibly your FI's family. I think you would be much happier if you cut ties with the family members that are toxic for you and just included everyone that is not toxic.
My honest opinion is that you should have a small wedding and not include your family who seem to have been nothing but a negative influence on you in your life. The point of a large family wedding is to share joy with people that love you because you WANT to share it with them, and you definitely do not. You won't enjoy your wedding with them there but if you stick to a small wedding with the people who DO love and respect you and will be legitimately happy for you and not trying to use you in some way, you will be much happier. And do you honestly care at this point about hurting your family by not inviting them? Sounds like they have it coming to them.
I wouldn't have a wedding just for them. Do it for you and your FI. If all you want is a small something with him and your best friends, than do that. Don't waste your money and time and energy on a wedding that you don't really want and your family won't appreciate anyways.
I couldn't agree more with the PPs who said have small ceremony/elope!
It's one thing to have to invite your crazy Uncle Larry or eccentric Aunt Bea, but having your immediate family be so manipulative and destructive . . . the mo distance the mo better, IMO.
Ejs is right - it sounds like you have spent your life taking care of everybody else (maybe a little codependency here, but I am certainly no expert!). Your wedding creates a great opportunity to distance yourself from your family (even if it's just an arm's legnth distance) to create a safe space within which you can focus on taking care of yourself and your FI, and focusing on your relationship.
Walking away is always tough - the guilt, the backlash, worrying about regret, what other people will say/think . . . I have *so* been there. But I can say that I have never regretted making any of those decisions, and I have learned that I really do know what's best for me, and that being true to myself is worth more than making my family happy.
((Hugs)), Doll.
HOLY COW. Woman, you should use all of the money you were going to put down for the big family wedding and treat YOURSELF for once. Enjoy time with your soon to be and do not worry about what anyone thinks. ENJOY IT. ENJOY IT ENJOY IT ENJOY IT!
I think in your situation, I would just call the 750.00 a learning experience and then elope with my FI. Your wedding day is suppose to be about you and its suppose to be happy. It sounds like your family may make it about them and ruin your happiness. Whatever you choose.....Good Luck!
Yep, if I were you, I would elope. Your family has the rest of their/your lives to bring you down. Don't let them do it on what should be such a joyous day. Best of luck to you!
Do any of your family members genuinely seem happy about your marriage or have provided you with any support throughout your planning? With all of the selfishness that your family has exhibited, it would be pretty ridiculous of you to put their needs first. After all that you've been through in life this is the one day that you get to put your wants and needs first.
It seems like you've always been there for your famliy but in the few times that you've needed their support, they've just let you down. You can't chose your family but you CAN make decisions for yourself and be in charge of your own happiness. More power to you if you want to celebrate your mariage with your closest friends. It looks like you've have a wonderful time and have people there who really care about you and FI. :)
Elope. Where your gorgeous dress at the courthouse.. What is done is done. Scrap it. and enjoy your new life with your husband. sometimes people don't change or get a clue. These are now adults you are dealing with so you be the adult and remove yourself from the situation. It will not feel great right now but you will grow in life for doing it.
It sounds like you KNOW what you want to do (skip the big wedding) and are just looking for reassurance. It's OK to not want a big wedding, especially given your family drama.
DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. Don't let them get to you. This is supposed to be an amazing and wonderful time in your life. Don't let anyone take that away from you.
(((hugs)))
NO SELF SACRIFICING! Not that weddings are all about MeMeMe but they're not about self sacrificing either.
I think you should cancel and just eat the $750 deposit for now, and marry your FI when you two have the money to make decisions independent of your family. If you and your FI can pay for it yourselves- even if it is a small wedding in the future- you will not have to depend (financially and emotionally) on an undependable family. That is a great way to minimize their potential to hurt you.
When you two do have the money, then you *could* invite your family as guests, ie, show up and do not expect any help. again, low to no expectations. Easy for me to say not to invite your family, but I have a feeling you will, if you opt for the family wedding. Eloping with your FI in front of your best friends sounds like the best idea. Most importantly, surround yourself with people (and know who they really are) who will put you first on your wedding day.
Anyhow, I think you put this under DIY for good reason.
look!!! do what ever makes you really happy.. and think in the future, don't think just about the wedding day... what about after the wedding. would you feel happy or not? sometimes we get mad, but family is family you can't change them... but if you think it's gonna be fine by YOU!!! you are going to feel happy with the decision that you're going to make do it!!!share that special moment with people that really it's going to be happy for you 2....
Spend your wedding day with those who love you, support you and lift you up - if that means that you should elope - then hold your head high, keep a smile on your face, and enjoy it. In the end, the marriage vows are between you and your FI, what matters most is that you are there together.
How do you want to look back on your day years from now and reflect on it? Seeing that you used your once-in-a-lifetime day to pay extra money to make someone who has made your life miserable happy, or do you want to look back and see a day that you and your FI had together and enjoyed because it actually got to be about you and celebrating your love? My two cents, elope. But in the end, you need to do what feels right to you, whatever that may be. Best wishes! :)
Why not have the wedding you want where you want with who you want in attendance. If that happens to be the venue you've chosen already fine but if not then fine too. Do what's best for you and your FI. It's true you can't choose your family but you CAN choose to walk away and create a new life WITH your FI and it can be anything YOU choose it to be! Good luck and I understand it's all easier said than done but it can be done. If you're at all interested in some personal support there's a great little book called "affirmations for the inner child", it's on amazon and it's tiny 4x5 maybe and it's just a page a day. It's for people who've had troubled childhoods and its a tool to help you re-train the inner child. Very useful when going through this kind of stuff, not all of it will relate perfectly but it gets you thinking positively and feeling empowered!
I wouldn't risk possibly getting evicted if your mom doesn't send you the money. First she promises March, than another day, then at the end of this month. What if she says "oh, next month, in May, then June...". Plus that sounds like just the deposit, do you have to pay more on top of that? Then you may loose that money too. To me, its not worth it.
I'm so sorry about your fam situation :(. It looks like the best thing for you to do is to cut them out of your life. I had to do it with mine. Would you want your fam to keep treating you as they do now? Or to your FI? Or to your future kids?
I would cut off all contact with them, don't give them your address either. Possibly change your phone number. You need to cut them off, for your sake & for your FI sake & maybe even for their own sake. They hold you back & they hurt you. This is going to affect your relationship with u & FI. It will. Not that you're going to act like your parents, but a guy can't stand to see his girl hurt. & you don't deserve to be treated like that from them, or from anyone.
As for sacrificing yourself for them to enjoy your wedding... why are you doing that? I don't mean for you to answer on here (unless you want to). It just fuels their fire. Is there anything positive coming from your relationship with your family? If so, than that's great, & I'm out of line in that case.
Also, how do you think they're going to act at your wedding? They won't be super nice for the day. They may say nasty things as they normally do. I'm not trying to scare you or anything. I just know what its like to be around people kinda like them. They don't change without reality hitting them. I think leaving your family may be the best thing for you.
This is all my opinion, I may be completely out of line. But from what I've read, they're just destructive & do no good in your life. If you aren't ok with cutting them out of your life, than do what you want & what makes YOU happy. No one else, just you. Hope everything turns out ok & you feel comfortable with the decision you make about everything.
I'm so sorry you had to deal with all this craziness :(.
cut off contact and elope. dont enable them further nor let them infect you any further either. sometimes you need to practice tough love. and if your family causes you pain and they KNOW it, then its wrong. run not walk to the nearest vegas vacation girl.
things will work out, just start putting you and FH first for once.
Oh wow.
I would cancel the wedding and stop contact with the family if I were you.
You only get ONE life. Why waste it on people like that? Even family doesn’t get an indefinite free pass to hurt you.
Also – do not rely on your mom for money, given her personality.
I would just run - make a new life with your future husband and friends and move away from all this pain. Have a small wedding for friends if you want, or elope…
Wow, that's terrible! I hate when people who are close to you are selfish rather than supportive.
I'd tell your mom that if she isn't able to pay the remaining money for the venue as she promised, the deposit is lost and you'll be having a civil ceremony at the courthouse - without any parents.
If she forks over the money, then go ahead with the wedding, but keep their roles to a minimum. If she doesn't, cut your losses on the big wedding, and have a small wedding without them. Small doesn't have to be simple, either. You could have an amazing bash with an intimate group and have as fantastic a wedding as a big one.
Don't feel bad about minimizing or cutting out family members. This is your big day, and if they can't check their selfishness for a few days, then they don't need to be included.
Try talking with the venue rep, and see if they can extend your deadline due to family issues. I'm sure they'd rather have your business than stick to a deadline!
Is it an option to have a 'normal' ceremony that includes your family, but cancel the reception? What venue is the deposit for?
I'm a people pleaser, so for me, it would be really hard to completely walk away and forget it - especially knowing that it would hurt/offend people. Afterall, they may have issues, but they're still your family. And someday they'll be your kids' family. I don't think it's a bad thing to decrease your contact with them or to cut them off from their emotional dependence on you, but I do worry that if you sever ties entirely, you may regret it someday in the future.
I guess I see having a ceremony they can attend as a compromise of sorts - you're not spending all the money on a reception, and perhaps you can have a private party with close friends later, and something small like cake already cut and set out by the time the ceremony ends at the wedding itself (if they'll let you do that). Your family need never know they're not invited to the real party.
If it were all or nothing though, I would have to agree with many of the previous posters - eloping is a great option. You're not helping yourself OR them by continuing to allow them to use you emotionally/financially - I know it's never intentional, but you would never want to be(come) an enabler.
You sound like a wonderful person who's had the unfortunate experience of having people around her that can be hurtful and disappointing. I think you deserve to marry your SO on a day free of stress, worry for others, or any potential damper on your joy. The amount you'll lose will not be a big deal years down the road. Whatever you do on the day of your marriage, I hope it is full of joy and happiness.
<hugs> i am so so sorry that you had to go threw all of these awful things. You seem like such an understanding and wonderful person. I am so happy that you have turned out as such a wonderful woman and did not end up like them.
I say save your money and elope. Use that money to go to (insert fun place here) and enjoy yourselves. you and your FI enjoy that, this is YOUR day.
Once again, i am sorry that you have had such a hard life. I really hope that your future with your FI holds much joy for you both.
Good luck :)
If your family complains about you having a not-so-big wedding where they're not all invited, you have a perfect, true excuse - "it was too expensive and we decided to be more careful with money and keep ourselves out of debt." Conveniently, a tiny wedding also keeps you out of family awfulness, but you don't need to tell them that.
What you can do instead of a large wedding depends a lot on your FI's family - if it's small or nonexistent, you have more freedom than if you need to include a big group. But one possibility would be to have a short ceremony (courthouse or church) with a cake-and-punch reception afterwards, that could be just a half-hour. And if you make it at lunchtime during the week, your friends could take a long lunch and come, but surely your most selfish family members would find it too inconvenient, which might be nice. Then, make reservations for a private room at a restaurant and have a fancy nice dinner with your friends that night or a few days later, and just don't invite the mean people, which you can get away with since it would be a "party to celebrate your marriage" not a reception. And you could also spend some money on a nice honeymoon!
Maybe you want to do something completely different, but my point is that you have so many choices. Whatever you do, don't have this reception only because you don't want to waste the deposit already spent. That's called throwing good money after bad, and it has led to some bad situations. Good luck!
You talk a lot about how hurtful your family is, how you cannot depend on them, and how they will stress you out and potentially ruin your wedding experience. You posed the question whether to have the big wedding you had planned with your family, or something else with your FI and best friends, but you haven't said what you want.
Do you want a big wedding? Do you want to be surrounded by love and support?
You say that your family hurts you and holds you back and that you have always wanted to get away from them. I think you should take this opportunity to consider what you want and what will make you happy. If they don't like it, you should not take that on as your problem.
You do not need to take on their hurtfulness. Embrace your FI and your wedding as an opportunity to celebrate each other in the way that you want.
Have the wedding you want. Don't have a huge family affair to make someone else happy or to reaffirm your love for them. That is awful and something you may regret later.
If you want to have a smaller wedding, do it. We are having a destination wedding for just this reason. The people who really care about us are coming and those that don't are not. For us it has worked out great.
Dear bees!
Thank you sincerely for your help and advice. It has meant SO much to me. After I wrote this post and gave this much consideration, we decided to do what we wanted in the first place (different location and date- something that felt more right for us, thinking that maybe that would give us strength and help us handle them better) but still invite my family. They went berserk. I guess I had to give them one last try to be decent, to be included. I probably should have known better, but it has been a learning experience. I guess the truth is, you just can't please some people.
Now, we are doing our own thing, without them... It has been really tough, but I appreciate all of your support and advice. You all are awesome. Thank you very, very much. Your input has meant a lot to me ;). I am glad I found this place, you have really really helped me! It is difficult to have perspective when you are "stuck in it." I think there is some sort of special place in heaven for bee posters :). You've given me a lot of perspective and strength when I needed it. I thank each and every one of you.
@cbee you truly deserve the most amazing wedding EVER. I hope your day comes off without even the slightest hitch and is practically perfect in every way. It takes a lot of guts to do what you did and it takes a really strong couple to get through it together. I hope you two take the time to sit back and take that in and give yourselves the moment to be proud of yourself as a couple. Well done it's only a sign of really amazing things to come!
Elope. It doesn't mean you don't love your family. You can share the news with them and still keep them close if you chose. Send them updates, but just tell them that you and your FI made a personal choice to get married someplace else. It's obviously up to you, but if I had such hardships with my family, I'd elope to have this union only with my FI. Jsut be gracious about it and keep them in the loop so they don't feel burned. If that's what you want. I don't think it will disconnect you from them...unless you really feel it will because you know there personalities.
Tell us what you decide to do?
Thank you again, bees! I am kind of freaked out right now, my mother is threatening me. I guess there is no easy way out of this one! But, someone like that, I need to stay away from. So, I know I am making the right choice and hopefully I can get through this without too much trouble. Maybe I will move and change my name. She is so freaky and extreme. I guess I need to find the strength to say "see ya" or "screw off" and hope she does, but I hope that doesn't make her come after me more...
I'm so sorry to hear this, cbee. Hugs to you :) It's good you decided to do what's right for you. When we have people in our lives who are toxic and destructive to our well-being it is sometimes best to cut them off, even if those people are family. Best of luck to you and your future husband! And please be careful with your dealings with your mother, especially if she's threatening you. Take care!
Cbee,
If you are not safe, perhaps you can get a restraining order? I hope that you stay well. Do whatever you have to do for you and your FH. Much hugs. Keep us posted. Have a wonderful wedding and honeymoon. Hugs.
I think having a very small destination wedding would be perfect for you! That way crazy selfish mom and dad (is he still hurt over all she did to him?) won't be there, there will not be any wild stuff happening, and you and your FI can say your vows to each other.
If any close friends wish to come with you, then so be it! I'd take that 750 which is to go towards your second payment to venue and use that $ and pool together the rest of the money to be spent on the wedding and have a wonderful wedding/honeymoon!
I do agree, that you would be feeling this would be about your family rather than you and your FI if you moved ahead with this. I have only one drama person in my family, and its' my own mother who did something horrible to my sister and I and stole the inheritance from my grandparents in the few weeks before my grandfather passed away. She also ran off and married a guy about 2 months ago and we personally do not want her or her new instand add-water husband (she didn't even tell us she was getting married) at our reception.
Save the drama, leave it to themselves and don't give them any room to feed off of you anymore. Sadly, sometimes family can be the source of so much pain. Just keep good boundaries and that would mean limiting your contact possible.
Wishing you and FI a loving and peaceful and amazing wedding and possibly honeymoon too! You deserve it! You're making a new life together, a new family, and focus on that!
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| ellisrobertson | 23 |
| MsPanda | 14 |
| aduarte3201 | 14 |
| pengoala | 11 |
| fishbone | 11 |
| ShellVee | 10 |
| ladyartichoke | 10 |
| ndreighton | 10 |
| mypinkshoes | 9 |
| peachacid | 9 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
 sylvia.riggle |
4 |
| peachacid | 4 |
| armychica06 | 2 |
| imageeksowhat | 2 |
| Zouave | 2 |
| HollyCJ | 2 |
| BellaDee | 2 |
| zippylef | 1 |
| PinkPinstripes | 1 |
| mink | 1 |
