- 3 years ago
I’m looking for alternatives and advice. This is maybe the 10th time since we got engaged that I feel trapped and can’t hep thinking I shouldn’t be planning a wedding, but an elopment instead. I always say our wedding day is, first and foremost, a pretext to gather everybody together. I love my family, and it’s true I want to have them with me … but I struggle with what it means in terms of planning and cost. Because, wether I like it or not, I don’t feel as though we’re totally free in the decision-making process. In order to make it happen, FI and I would have to sacrifice what we want, in order to make sure it’s what the guests want and sometimes, it’s not really compatible or just possible (cost-related).
It feels like a mini-existentialist crisis, in the sense that this process made me realize how much of a dreamer, but ”undaring” woman I am. I daydream, I fantasize about ”crazy” projects like this one (elopment), but of course, I’m too prudent, too rational, too scared of being judged and too much in need of others’ approval to simply decide to follow what my heart really wants. I’ve been like this my entire life, and so far, I feel like I’ve missed on a lot of experiences in my early 20s because I didn’t allow myself to take risks.
If I listen to my heart, here is how I imagine my dream wedding :
– An intimate ceremony. The thought of exchanging vows in front of 60 guests is giving me anxiety. At first, I imagined maybe 10 people (both our parents, sisters and SOs). We both are very shy, and we both hate to be the center of attention.
– Followed by a nice, fancy dinner in a very romantic location. Literally, a place we otherwise wouldn’t go out to eat dinner to. We’re ”foodies”, once or twice a year we splurge on a fancy restaurant, and I’d like to do it too for our wedding. But with 60 guests, it’s completely out of the question due to the insane costs that would represent.
– A first, romantic travel in Europe. If we’re not already getting married in another country, I want to have a romantic honeymoon. I’ve never even taken the plane ! However, with the wedding we’re planning, although frugal, money is missing for a honeymoon, and that … well that SUCKS !!!
– No music, no games, no entertainement to worry about. For almost a year I’ve been wondering how we’d keep our guests entertained since we won’t have a DJ. These are things we wouldn’t have to worry about if it was only FI and I. We’d watch a DVD at the hotel or go to the movies or at the opera or whatever, but we’d not have to take time to organize all that (playlist, games) and stress about wether or not it would please our guests. We’d simply focus on something WE feel like doing that evening, and sleep is also an option.
– Making choices that truly, and only, please us. FI and I are paying for everything. But since I’m obsessed with others’ approval, I can’t help telling my parents and his everything, and feel bad whenever I feel an idea doesn’t feel instantly unanimous. I wish all we’d have to do is : ”honey, do you like this ? Yes ? Good, done.” It’s so easy between FI and I. It’s overly complicated when it involves family.
Sorry for the long post Bees, but I’m really torn and I’d like to have some insights and advice, from others who maybe went through this process and decided to just throw the wedding planning in the thrash and start from scratch with an elopment, or they downscaled their wedding significantly halfway through the planning process, in order to have the wedding they REALLY wanted to have. Maybe your stories will help me stand up for myself and get over the guilt of having already spent money on something I’m okay with, but don’t exactly love.