(Closed) any bees 'worry' about their relationship more than their SO/FI?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2975 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@missebelle:  I could have written this myself.

My FH is so laid back and easy going that when I get in my “What are we doing?” moods, it completely baffles me that he never brings up anything about our relationship or me. Like, he doesn’t want to change anything, doesn’t read between any lines, doesn’t even wonder “what if..”….or maybe I do it too much. 

I’m pretty sure it’s a girl thing. I italicized that so no one jumps on my throat for generalizing too much – but I do think that some women just happen to think more than some men do. It’s true in my case (and yours). 

Our men are just simple, which is something I wish I was more often. Maybe then I wouldn’t start crying out of nowhere because “I can’t feel [his] love today”…it’s really sad. 

So…I don’t have any advice haha. I’m right there with you. 

 

Post # 5
Member
2975 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@missebelle:  Yay glad I could help! 🙂

 

Post # 6
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Absolutely. I know in the rational part of my brain, that my relationship with my SO is fine, but I still have constant anxiety over our relationship. I am working with my therapist to overcome my social anxiety issues (all of them–including my relational issues), or at least be able to cope with them without having anxiety attacks frequently. The best advice that she has given me so far, is to see situations, people, and relationships as they are and not how they might be, or as I would like them to be (in some cases).

Effective and honest communication is one of the most difficult parts of relationships.

Post # 7
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My FI made a joke about it today. He said it’s like I hear a whistle in the wind and I’m like wait, what was that? Was that a bear? OMG!. <- Shamefully accurate analogy.

I’m working on just breathing and telling myself we’re in this for the long run. And realistically, we have zero issues. Except the ones in my head. haha.

Post # 8
Member
974 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Mimoza:  I’m pretty sure it’s a girlthing. I italicized that so no one jumps on my throat for generalizing too much

I had to laugh at this, I am one of those girls who doesn’t fit the generalization.  I wouldn’t have jumped down your throat but I likely would have pointed out it could be anyone, though likely girls!

I have to agree, it’s generally a girl thing.  In my 37 years I’ve had plenty of guy friends and girl friends… it’s mostly only women who do this, though there’s exceptions both male and female for the stereotypes… but generally they are true, which is why they are stereotypes.  From teen years most of my friends told me I should have been a guy, but then I’d have been gay… which there is absolutely nothing wrong with!… but I like being a girl who likes guys!

The key is if you know the other person is the logical/technical type (most men, few women) and they say everything is fine, believe them!  If you really think something needs improved come at them with details and facts.  Like “When X happens, you react this way, I feel this way, I’d like to talk about this and find a way to make it smoother.”.  Write it down if you have to and have him read it while you’re sitting there, then discuss.  We overly logical/technical/simple types just don’t get the emotional outburst type thing… it’s really kinda freaky and stressful!

For laughs, the first time DH said he loved me we’d probably been together 7 months, and it was right after sex.  My instant response “Did you just say that because we just had sex?”.  I could see it hurt him, and I felt bad, but it was an honest instinctive question for me.  He cuddled me and said “No, and it’s only because I do love you and understand you, that you saying that didn’t bother me (though I could see in his eyes his instinctive response was hurt… but he did understand), I do love you and it’s not about sex.”.  I told him I loved him too, and I was sorry if the question hurt him.  You have to meet in the middle on things like this, and seeing from the others perspective is essential so you can work through the bumps from having different wiring so to speak lol.

Another funny, my dad bought and read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and said “Any man who reads this and tries to deal with you is going to be screwed.” lol.  He said it fit my mom like a kid glove.  I flipped through it and read bits, mostly it did remind me of my mom, and made me scoff at someone treating me that way.

 

So, I get understand but from the other side.  And sorry for the OMG long post, hope it was at least amusing!

ETA: for the emotional and kitchen parts of the relationship we are 180 degrees on the stereotypes, so we end up with the same issues but flipped.  No one we know is suprised.  And other than that he’s the stereotypical manly man and I’m all tomboy but mushy stuff at home like movies and books can make me cry (which he finds super endearing because it’s “hidden” girl parts of me only he sees lol).

 

Post # 9
Member
2975 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@MrsTangerine:  😛 I know there’s always an exception and no one acts/thinks the same (how boring would that be??) but thanks for being awesome about it :).

Also, what you said was spot on. And that part about your dad reading the venus/mars book…haaahaha. 

My parents kind of fit the stereotypes – but they hide it well! 

Post # 10
Member
974 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Mimoza:  It would be terribly boring if we were all the same!  Having different strengths and weaknesses helps us all tremendously.

Post # 11
Member
3373 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@missebelle:  This was totally me in my previous relationships, and to some extent I still suffer from moments of relationship anxiety and over-analysis. I think the difference is that my exes were, by and large, very complex characters (read: man-children with a laundry list of deep-seated issues) who could be quite torturous with their behaviour. In one particular relationship, I never knew when he would flip the coin and decide that he didn’t love me, or that he didn’t feel ready to commit to me. It’s definitely enough to make a girl a nervous wreck. And in retrospect, my uncertainty and worries about my relationships was really because deep down, I knew they weren’t right for me.

While I do feel that it’s partly just a female thing, I felt a huge shift when I started dating FI. He just has this utter calmness and certainty and conviction about our relationship. It’s almost as though as soon as we met, he knew that this was it. He’s so serene about us. Even though we do fight, and I have concerns from time to time, he’s very intuitive and so any issues get addressed straight away. At the beginning I had a lot of doubt about how he could possibly be so sure about us, but as time has passed, his faith has kind of rubbed off on me. Don’t worry. Try to keep any freak-outs to a minimum because they don’t help, at all. I hope your man’s conviction in the strength of your relationship will eventually convince you too! 

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