Post # 1
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
My FI and I paid a deposit on a semi-destination wedding venue in June. We’ve been engaged for about just almost 4 months. I am frustrated how we are made to feel obligated to change our DW plans to having it locally.
Here’s what I am looking into in order to fairly accomodate immediate families:
– We are looking into a coach/bus rental. Granted it is 5 to 6 hours’ drive heading North-west, it is a gorgeous area in the Rocky Mountains if our families/friends are looking for a scenic getaway from the city. Logistics have yet to be worked out. It is still rather EARLY. The tentative plan is to drive them on early Saturday. Everyone gains one hour travelling from Alberta to BC. Have the ceremony in the afternoon and reception at night. Have the coach leave the next morning, possibly after a breakfast buffet.
Now, we got personal request by FI’s parents to CHANGE the venue to the city we live — because:
– One of FI’s aunts (FMIL’s twin-sister) feels bad that she cannot make it as she would have to mark final exams. So, she personally approached FMIL to see if we could change the venue. (Oh yes, we also have had requests to change our date to August by other guests because a cousin is getting married in July in South-east Asia)
Future parents-in-law were like, the bus is a nice thought but most guests would want to have their own transportation. [Meanwhile, I just feel like it’s just more excuses.. see Point Number 3]
– FMIL thinks we are going to be spending too much money with this semi-DW; she kept suggesting a small community hall or a hotel that is 2 blocks away from our house. Her reasonable budget (not implied/stated) almost seemed to be $1100. But SHE was there with me dress-shopping and saw the price tag on my dress.
-Some kind of ancient family feud that I’m not obliged to comment on as it’s really none of my business. Somehow, our plans to invite immediate families has caused this urgent sense of “you need to change your venue” (so we won’t see X and Y and Z; etc) The reason why we picked our venue in the first place is that it’s a fair in-between meeting place between where we live and where FI’s immediate relatives live in BC.
If you are a DW bride, how much pressure did you get from close ones to change your plans? If so, did you ignore them/go ahead and change your plans?
I had thought I could do this planning thing — seeing that I helped pulled an 800-people event for my college grad together with a graduation committee. There is no way I can make everyone happy as well as ourselves happy — even though the wedding should be about FI and myself coming together, regardless of where we end up marrying at. I feel like being stuck with the Father & Son with one Donkey story situation.
UGH. It’s one thing to a guest to say he/she can’t make it, but it’s another to suggest to change the venue altogether. I am probably silly for feeling hurt.
Post # 3
@Cynderbug: Oh boy! I do know what you are going through.
We are having a dw in hawaii and 2 months later is my FI grandmothers 90th bday in hawaii. His mom asked us to change the wedding date as she would be spending alot of my on g-ma’s birthday.
I was really hurt but i refused to change my day. You need to take a breath and remember it is about you and your FI. While some people may not be able to come, and that is sad, be happy for who is there celebrating with you!
Do whatever you truly want!
Post # 4
You need to stop thinking of this negatively. Your family are saying these things most likely because they love you and are disappointed that they may not be able to attend your wedding because it is a DW. It can be very hard to find out that you may not be able to make a loved ones wedding for whatever reason (finances, travel, work, health). You want to be there but feel like you are letting the couple down because you wont be.
People are usually excited about their loved ones weddings and want to attend but can get upset when they feel like the bride and groom are putting up barriers to allow them to attend (DW, no kids, weekday wedding etc etc).
Every bride and groom needs to decide what is most important to them and whether they are willing to give up or change things in order to have the people they love there. You are not obligated to change anything but at the same time you can not be upset when people comment or have to decline coming.
Post # 5
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
@j_jaye: I completely agree!
I don’t think we would be upset if people couldn’t make it due to various personal reasons. We understand it is a weird time as kids would just be about done school that week. It’s tough cos we couldn’t really choose June 28 as that’s the Canada Day long weekend (Jul 1).
It just seemed like a suspicious/hidden agenda (unexpressed, of course) of swaying us to change the venue — letting us think about it, but yet as-a-matter-of-factly stating that FPIL are going to let us make the right decision and not trying to force us on having it local. (Yeah, but that’s like planting a brain ninja bomb! They were perfectly supportive before!) It’s like they’re trying to (implicitly) make a past feud our problem when we don’t feel like we need to pick sides with anybody. (It wasn’t expressed, but it was so obvious) I just feel that blood is thicker than water. I just wished FI’s grandma was still alive, so that none of this childish adult-feud would exist.
Post # 6
I consulted all the close family and made sure they were on baord before choosing to have a destination wedding. I didn’t want to do it if they weren’t on board (we’re a really tight family).
However, mine was much further away, and necessitated being away for a week.
Post # 7
We just changed our venue due to FFIL. We wanted a mountain wedding. So we decided to change venue to a different, closer mountain range. I was really hurt, but everything we did, they didn’t like. So we are going not so far away, and honestly if they don’t like it, they don’t have to come. This is the first time I have ever seen my FI upset with his parents. The only reason why I conceded to change venue is because my dream dress was out of budget but with a closer destination wedding, I can now get my dream dress!! Still upset though.
Post # 8
@Cynderbug: Yup went through it all. I started working on my own family months before we were even engaged so by the time we were officially engaged, they knew the plan. However, they got caught up in the moment and the negativity from their friends and extended family and even they tried to get me to change it again. After many long, calm, rational discussions reminding my family of the pros, family accepted it again. Then FMIL started in. I thought that fiance had told his family the plan to prepare them but apparently he had not. My family at least was supportive and told me that it takes time to react to the shock of a destination wedding. It is different, new, and off-putting.
I was very hurt, especially after I told FMIL that this has been my dream for at least a year, that we had been planning this for months, etc. that she would have the nerve to suggest moving it so that her first/second cousins could make it. There was like zero acknowledgment of our thoughts or wishes.
I think I have finally made peace with it, in part because when I think of anything else as the plan for the wedding, I get really upset and at this point in our lives we can’t go around pleasing everyone. At least I know that I will be happy. Imagine moving my dream wedding to make everyone happy and then dealing with disgruntled people! I would be so upset.
One compromise is that my family is throwing us a celebration when we return so we are offering that to people if they complain about it.
Post # 9
Both sets of our parents said they would support whatever we decide to do with our wedding. That’s when we decided to have a DW. Since we know our immediate family will be there, we are pretty much telling everyone else that we are having our wedding in such and such city on this specfic date and if they can make it, then great. We’re not going to change the date just because it’s during the time of year when kids are in school or have a wedding that’s in town to accomodate more people. No and’s, or’s, or if’s about it. We both have very large extended families and there’s no way we can please everyone. Some people can’t make it because they have kids, can’t afford to travel, etc. We are totally fine with it but we’re not going to bend over backwards just to make everyone happy. A few that can’t make it suggest that we have another reception it town, but I think that’s pretty much like having a whole ‘nother wedding since we’ll have more guests, have to look for a venue, and not to mention spend more money. No thanks!!
Post # 10
@Cynderbug: I am sorry that people are giving you a hard time, and I honestly think you should just politely tell them no and plan as you like. When you get married far away from home, many people won’t make it such as the aforementioned aunt. That is just the nature of the game. If your heart is set on a DW, just accept that some will not make it and don’t feel bad about that. You only get married once and it is your day. If you, not your family, feel the need to have every single person there, then a DW is probably not for you. Again, if it is your family and in laws who want everyone there, while you don’t mind them not attending, carry on and do what your heart desires.
I was never pressured to change my venue or DW location, but my family members were very bossy about setting the date. Originally, I wanted to get married over New Year’s, but people fussed that it would be too difficult to travel then, so I changed my date to January 11th. Then I was told I should make the wedding on Friday the 10th, so people have Saturday to recover and relax in Maui before they have to fly and travel all day on Sunday to get home. I switched the date to Friday the 10th, and then some people complained it wasn’t on Saturday. The lesson I learned is this: no matter how thoughtful and accommodating you are, someone will complain, so follow your heart. It ‘s YOUR wedding.
My fiancé and I have made all major decisions on our own since setting the date, and the planning has been blissful!!! We send photos and bounce certain ideas off of our moms, because we love them and want to include them, but the final say is ours. Following our hearts has made planning our dream wedding a blessed experience. I recommend you follow your heart and do the same.
Post # 11
@flowerring: Oh, I know that feeling in a big way!
My family had expectations of my weddin. (Uber traditional, and local). And while my little girl dreams were a black and white wedding in the snow of tahoe… We decided to do a even grander DW in Hawaii. On the beach! So, my family at first wasn’t excited but I told them to get over it and that for the first time my FI are being selfish.
A little backround with my FI family is that he has wonderful aunts and uncle but his parents are regrettably extreme alcoholics, and began a very messy divorce three weeks after my FI proposed. So our entire first year of planning was on again off again because of the selfishness of others. We went on a vacation to hawaii two years ago, and a couple things clicked for us.
1. Those who are willing, will be there in person.
2. Those who cannot, will celebrate from afar.
3. This is the happiest day of pur new joined lives, and that we will always be there to support each other.
4. No one has the right to tell us how and when we shall be married.
5. A destination wedding will allow us to not have any surprise guests (FMIL has a string of lovers she brings to family events, when she shows up).
6. Footing the bill, let’s you do as you please!
You’ll be in my prayers, I know family has best intentions. But, they are humans none the less. Don’t expect what they can’t offer. (FPIL can’tbe sober for anything, so we bad the conversation of our expectations for them and its up to them to be adults). It can feel like no one wants you to succeed and my FI and I have shed many a tear in each others arms behind closed doors. But your Future Husband will knows he has you, and you have him. Everything else, is just that.
Post # 12
Ahhh! I went through the SAME thing. Granted, mine is a 4 1/2 hour plane flight away, but whatever you do – DO NOT CHANGE YOUR VENUE.
My fiance’s grandmother is elderly and will not be able to attend. My fiance’s father tried EVERYTHING to get us to change our minds – even at one point, refusing to go AND offering to pay upwards of $50,000 if we had it locally (We are paying for our wedding ourselves). Every time we had dinner with his family, I left crying because someone would make a comment about how this family member couldn’t go or how crazy it was we were asking them to go to the Virgin Islands for four days.
In the end, we stuck to what WE wanted. My fiance said to forget them… that if they didn’t want to come, they would have to miss it. OH WELL. And in the end? His father caved and booked his ticket…. grumbles and all… and I’m a VERY happy soon to be bride.
If people want to be there, they will find a way. If they can’t, you can find a way to celebrate with them when you get back. They WILL try to get you to make it what THEY want, but remember… in the end, you and your fiance are starting your own family amd this day is about the two of you.
Good luck! My heart goes out to you as I wasted way too many tears on a similar situation.
Post # 13
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
@mdoodles: Aw, BVI is gorgeous!! (I have yet to visit there!) I’m glad you and your fiance stuck to your guns!
I received a text message from FMIL, apologizing for upsetting FI and myself. She said it wasn’t her intent and that she had no right to interfere. She wanted to help; “not tipping the apple cart,” so she speaks. However, I can see it as a re-occuring “Why don’t you have it in here in E-city?” when we send out invitation cards later.
Before it got to that point, it was getting quite ridiculous with some of the suggestions we received from other family members:
“Why don’t you two elope there and then come back and have an after-party/reception here?”
My favourite open-ended polite question: “Why Valemount?” (Their silent question probably goes: Why not here?)
Post # 14
@Cynderbug: Hon, this is the one time you can be selfish. Have the wedding that you want and forget about everyone else – within reason.
The very nature of a destination wedding is that some people will make it, some will not. And that is ok. What matters is that you two get to celebrate your love together.
Unless that’s his most favorite Aunt in the world…I’m sorry you won’t be able to make it “Aunt Sally”; but we will remember your presence on our special day.
Unless his mother is paying for your wedding, your finances are not her business.
And on the family feud, either they put it aside for one day or they don’t come. Whatever.
In my case, I’m dealing with some similar issues. Lots of people are upset, because my DW is “too expensive” despite over 16 months notice and a nice vacation out of it (cruise to Jamacia, Haiti and Mexico). My FMIL and crew are currently not attending and my FMIL has gone on record saying she “feels forced to attend”. And there’s the droves of people trying to convince me to have an at home reception upon our return. We thought about just eloping, but I decided that I didn’t want to look back in 20 years feeling regret for not having the wedding I wanted.
When people start pushing on me I’ve found the best thing to say is “We will remember your presence on our special day” and “It’s ok, its more important for you to be present during our marriage than the wedding”. Normally those two statements calm people down.
Post # 15
We are planning a wedding in Montego Bay, Jamaica for February 2014. Shortly after our STD’s when out we received a lot of feedback with regard to the location and cost of travel. We did not want a big wedding. My fiance’s family is on the east coast and my family is on the west coast so we thought choosing a neutral location would make everyone happy. We still go a lot of complaints about the cost. I even had my best friends husband tell me that we should get married in the states. At the end of the day It’s our wedding and we are going to do it the way that we want to do it. I would love it if everyone could make it but that’s not going to be the case. Our close family and friends will be there to celebrate with us. I refuse to change my wedding plans to make everyone else happy.
Post # 16
@Cynderbug: Well, I’m glad you at least got somewhat of an apology! I hope you stick to what you and your fiance want and ignore the silly complaints of others. They had their wedding day to do what they wanted… you get to have yours!
Oh – and I found the best way to deal with the complaints is to basically blow them off and/or agree with them. My fiance actually had a conversation with his parents that started with them complaining about the whole thing…. he didn’t say a word till they were done… and once they were, he responded “Well, I know it’s not easy to travel that far so I’m sorry if you can’t make it. I understand if you can’t, though. I’m just happy that HER family is coming”. LOL