- Big Truck
- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
Good morning, hive. Just wanted to pop on here for a few minutes (ha!) and vent for a second.
My wedding is in about two months and yes, panic mode has begun. But for several reasons. The usual junk – will I find the right pair of shoes, will the favors get here in time, I hope people start RSVP’ing soon, etc. But also lately I’ve been worrying if Fiance and I will be happy after we get married.
Our schedules are awful, we only see each other at bedtime (I get in after midnight, so really, he’s already asleep). He gets up around 6 and I’m still dead to the world, so we don’t get a chance to converse or have breakfast together or anything, really, except the one day of the week I’m off and every other weekend.
This has bothered me for a loooong time, even before we were engaged. I’ve been trying to have my manager open up a new position for me so I could work 12 hour days instead of 8 hours, but she’s been balking (going on 2 years of it now). So since she can’t accomodate me, I’d like to go part-time starting 2013. Less days working = pay cut, but more time with FH. I dig that.
But other than our ridiculous schedules, I feel like basic needs aren’t being met. Too Much Information coming up – we haven’t had sex for, oh, like 2 months now. Mostly because I can’t get in the mood. I’ve been blaming it on my BC, but I think it’s also stress from planning the wedding/moving in with Fiance, PLUS stress from work… I’m just exhausted. And to be honest, Fiance is not going out of his way to seduce me in any special way. He got home from work yesterday (my day off) and asked if we could have sex later in the night. I said maybe, but we ended up not doing it. Because if I’d said yes, it would have felt like another chore on my “To Do” (no pun intended) list, and that’s not fun or romantic or sexy lol. I know it’s a mental block on my part, but I’m just not feeling it.
So I’m definitely neglecting Fiance in the sex department. Too Much Information moment complete.
But he’s neglecting me emotionally, I feel. I’ve had a rough month. My cousin, 5 weeks younger than me, passed away very suddenly last month, and I’ve been having a rough time dealing with it. Fiance was wonderful at first, very compassionate, came to the wake and funeral with me and was supportive. But men move on faster than women, so I’m kind of stuck in this grieving limbo. Most days I’m ok, I get through the day with no problems. But last night wasn’t one of those nights. Fiance noticed I was distant, and instead of asking me what was wrong (I could’ve also been a big girl and TOLD him what was wrong, but I’m not big into sharing my emotions with people, except on the internet, clearly), he just told me to “buck up”, and walked away.
K great. I’ll get right on that.
On top of that, I’m completely burnt out from work, I have no down time. I spent 2 hours at my grandmother’s pool yesterday just floating around, RELAXING, and it was WONDERFUL. Then I go over to FI’s house and feel tremendously guilty because I “wasted” my afternoon. Is it selfish of me to want to relax every once in awhile? Is that too much to ask?
I’m going off on a tangent.
The short of it is that Fiance isn’t as supportive as I sort of need him to be at this stage in the game. It’s crunch time and we STILL do not have a honeymoon booked (FI’s assignment, the ONLY thing I asked him to do in this wedding planning mayhem… he didn’t even want to pick the menu…). I’m just worried that we’re gonna be husband and wife, but living as two separate people with two separate lives, instead of combining our lives. I have this wonderful image of what marriage SHOULD be like, happy and fun with rainbows and unicorns, and I KNOW that will never be Fiance and I. No marriage is perfect. But I’m nervous that ours won’t even FEEL like a marriage. What if we’re just two roommates who have sex occasionally?
I dunno… I’m a wreck lately and I just needed to vent. Sorry it was so long winded.
Any other bees have similar doubts/cold feet?