Post # 1
Future In-Laws think we can plan the wedding together and compromise to both get what we want, but Fiance and I have realized that’s impossible because our preferences are so different from theirs.
Some major differences (believe me, there are more):
- they want an ever-increasing & uncontrollable # of guests who Fiance doesn’t know (it would likely exceed 300 ppl total). we want (and can afford) around 130 guests (all of whom we know)
- they want the ceremony to last at least an hour (w/sermons, hymns, speakers, etc. that they pick). we want the ceremony to be 15-30 mins max w/only things that are meaningful to us.
- they want to work together on colors, bridal party, schedule and have the entire ceremony & wedding be well over 7 hrs long w/tons of speeches. we do not really see a way to work together because it seems they actually want to plan the whole wedding & we don’t want all those speeches or a very long time delay due to guests & speeches running late (& some venues we’d like have shorter time limits)
We’re going to tell them that we’re going ahead w/planning the wedding as we like & paying for it ourselves. We’re of course still inviting a sizeable chunk of their relatives (they know there are way too many to invite everybody) and family friends (probably about 40 total), we want his parents to come, and we’re willing to attend a separate wedding w/bells on if they want to host one according to their preferences.
They’ve said before that they’d pay for the entire wedding, but I think that was based on it being “theirs” & I think that the way they’d do it is a much cheaper per person and total cost. Up til now, what they’ve wanted to contribute would be 1/4 to 1/2 of our budget (same amt of $, but % varies due to how large the total budget is), but we’re guessing that might change once they realize it won’t be “their” wedding anymore. Does anybody have any experiences or recommendations that could help navigate this so they still attend? Also great would be any tips to nudge them towards doing a separate, wedding specific to their preferences/culture or still contributing something to what we’re planning.
[we are fully willing to pay for it on our own, but even 1/4 or 1/2 of the amount they planned to give would reduce our burden substantially. if they host a separate wedding, we’d be able to reduce our costs by inviting fewer of FI’s extended family & fam friends to the wedding Fiance & I are planning]
Post # 3
@Shkragoldfish: The best course of action would be to either ask them for a $ amount and get them to hand it over to use as you see fit. Or, try asking them to pay for specific things like your photographer and your bar that they won’t have an emotional stake in. Rather than fight against them, try to negate them.
Post # 4
@Cappugcino: believe me, it’s not for lack of trying. the last time we were trying to talk to them just about specific amounts, next thing I know they’re telling me what colors don’t work & listing out a very detailed agenda for the ceremony and the reception . . .
I have a feeling that if we tell them specific amounts for specific services, they’ll think the vendor is too expensive and that we haven’t looked hard enough, so they’ll find some cheap “friendor” who we don’t like. we will try that route further down the road though
Post # 5
@Shkragoldfish: I would simply decline their offer and pay for it yourselves. If your Mother-In-Law wants to host a shower for you though, she calls the shots. You shouldn’t have any part in planning or paying for your bridal shower. Just a heads up!
Curious though – why would you be willing to have a separate wedding to their tastes? Seems like a lot of wasted time and money. Not to mention, who would attend this wedding if their family is attending your actual wedding?
Post # 6
My man and I haven’t told any family we’re getting married until we plan a majority of it. That way when the time comes him and I are already prepared the with details and have the resources to pay. I don’t mind input from family, I can stand my ground. lol
Post # 7
@JemmaWRX: I’d be happy to attend a shower and look fwd to not planning it, but throwing showers or paying for rehearsal dinners, etc. aren’t a part of what them and their friends/family are familiar with.
We’d be more than happy to attend a wedding to their preferences because they’d foot the bill for that & we’d already have had one wedding that’s how we want it before then. They’ve been to lots of weddings for the children of ppl in their social group, so they’d like to invite all of these ppl, their kids, & spouses because that’s what’s typically done in their social group. I can respect & understand that, but we won’t sacrifice our dream wedding just so they can have the whole community come to celebrate (because that makes it so their choice of food, schedule, etc. need to happen).
If they threw their own wedding for us after ours, I don’t get why a couple wouldn’t go. Their extended family & family friends would only be invited attend the wedding FI’s parents threw, so we’d save $ by inviting no extended family & fam friends to the wedding we’re paying for. Overall, yes, it’d be more $ total spent, but we wouldn’t spend more than what we expected & neither would they and we’d both have the weddings we wanted.
Post # 8
@mreject: It’s not about not having details planned, being unable to pay, or unable to stand our ground- we are doing (or have already done) those things. FI’s parents aren’t giving input – they’re attempting to say things like, no, the ceremony must be a full hour. Then we disregard that because it’s not what we want & we’re paying for it ourselves.
I was more asking about how ppl have held their ground (as we are) with overbearing parents while also still having the parents come to the wedding or maybe even still support it.