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Hey Bees,
Well I have been reading The God Delusion and it has brought to mind some pretty interesting points. However, I am still getting married in a non-denominational Christian church. It is the church where my FI was baptised and where his mom/stepdad got married. So it has been "in the family" for a while and has tradition. However, I am not a religious person and I fear that this situation will bring up awkward questions. The family is pretty good about not attacking me for my atheism. But I worry that they'll push for baptisms and going to church later down the road. Also, there is a lot about God and Jesus in the readings of the pastor. How to deal with this? I want to make FI happy, and he chose the church. Should I just go along with it to please him but draw the line at forcing myself/our kids into a religion they may not want? AH!
FI is an athiest and I am agnostic but we are getting married in the Orthodox church.
We are getting married in a church because it means a lot to both of our families, and while I don't believe in it, it is important to me to get married in a church. I don't know why but I have always pictured myself getting married in a church.
I am in the same boat as your right now, I am not sure how to handle meetings with the priest and I am worried that our beliefs will come up. I am just going to keep my fingers crossed that the priest does not require pre-marriage counciling.
FI and I are both agnostic. We are getting married in the Catholic church because both of our grandparents would have a heart attack if we didn't. My grandparents are super religious. When we met with our priest he asked us questions about our church. I told him that even though I'm a member at my church that I never attend but that I attend mass with my grandmother at her church. I wasn't really lying because the only time I do go to church is with her but it's really not that often. Once we have kids, and sadly if our grandparents are gone, we would not have thenm baptized. But if they're alive, we will
My friends husband was agnostic and they got married in a catholic church.
Isn't it kind of crazy what we do to please our families.
My husband is agnostic and we were married in my family's church per my grandmother's wishes. It worked out and he was completely happy with it.
I'm an atheist and definitely wouldn't be comfortable having a religious ceremony, but if you're willing to have one because it's important to your FI, that's really sweet of you. That said, I would have a talk with the pastor and ask if he could choose some readings that you are more comfortable with. There are so many beautiful passages from the Bible that I've heard read at weddings that aren't all gung-ho on God and Jesus, hopefully he will be open to using some of those instead.
As for going to church and raising your children, you need to have a frank discussion with your FI about that ASAP so that you know what to tell his family when they ask. Make a decision and stick to it from the start. If you waffle over it or give his family any leeway to influence these decisions, you will probably end up with a lot more drama than is necessary.
I love my Catholic MIL to death, and she's usually super good about not being preachy, but it's very likely she will try and get us to baptize our children and that is just not going to happen.
@LongDistancePlanning: I was just thinking that. We're agnostic and outright refused to get married in a church, despite some pleading from a few of my family members. Gotta stick to your guns.
That being said, if it's important to your FI, I think it's sweet that you're doing it.
I am agnostic and FI is athiest, even if one of us was religios but the other wasn't I we still wouldn't get married in a church (getting married in a church never even crossed our minds). For us that would just be wrong (not to mention confusing).
In regards to your children being bought up, considering you are getting married in a church for your FI I think most of your family (maybe even your FI) will assume that any future children will be bought up religious.
FIs parents are a religious (not devot or anything like that) and they wanted DS to be christened under The Church of England (which we were both christened under) but we flat out refused. If DS decides he wants to be religious than good for him, however we won't be the ones teaching it to him or introducing it to him. How to raise you children in regards to religion is a very important topic to discuss with your FI now so issues don't occur down the track.
im agnostic and FI is raised catholic (but not practicing) and we are getting married by a preist. no in a church but we have several religions in our ceremony
I am pretty agnostic and am getting married in a protestant church. It is at the Air Force Academy where my FI graduated from. I actually chose to get married here because of my FI's history..the chapel's legacy and well, because its a really cool building! lol My family is all hindu and most of my friends are christian or agnostic. I just look at it like this, we are getting married, I am sure jesus was just a man, who cares if these other people are delusional lol. (not meant to be mean...just trying to say that every one has their own opinion about god and it is not important to me for them to hold back on them during my ceremony). Is it really that important to you that jesus is talked/not talked about? My daughter was also christened.. but goes to a hindu temple every week and has never been to church after that day lol. I christened her to appease her father and it did me no harm, nor does she know anything about christianity.
@fvsoccer:HMMMM! Same boat, sortof, here...FI is religious and I'm not. I question a lot of things about religion, and hoestly, I just don't agree with it. Not sure if i fall into some sort of category, cause i would like to "believe" in all of it, I just can't fully. BUT, I wanted to have our ceremony in a church, not FI. He doesn't care, as long as we get married. But for me, a church just feels "right" for some reason. I'm not put off by mention of religion or god at all, just have my own thoughts about it. As far as kids, if we ever have some, they will go to church. Wierd right? I just think with kids, it's a good thing to be exposed to. I also think if I had been exposed more to religion as a child, some things may have been easier to deal with then and even more so, now.
We're both atheists, but we got married at my IL's Unitarian church. It was a compromise between us and our religious families...it was in a church, but a church that has a Wiccan gives the occasional sermon/lecture. And we got married outside in the center of their flat stone meditation labryinth, in front of a huge gorgeous tree. There were hints of religion in the ceremony, a prayer or two, blessing the rings, enough that our super-religious grandmothers/my entire family were appeased, but not so much that it made either of us uncomfortable.
We're getting married in what USED to be a church- it's got a very traditional look to it, but it's been bought out by the museum and now the sanctuary is used as a concert hall for the music school across the street. It was perfect for us because it's actually the church that my grandparents and great-grandparents got married in (which I didn't know until after we picked it). But it's not currently being used as a church, there is no congregation, and more importantly there is no need to include God in the ceremony.
I'm not really religious, but I don't know that I would consider myself to be agnostic, but FH is more on the Christian side. When we got engaged, his only request was that we get married in a church because it was important to him and his family. I agreed to do so. I figured that I could do this one thing for him, and for his family, since they have been so wonderful to me.
I'm agnostic and FI is Christian. I made it clear from the beginning that I never, ever envisioned a church wedding and FI is fine with that. That being said, we are being married by an ordained minister/practicing pastor (FI's dad) and I'm sure there will be a few Bible passages thrown in during the ceremony, but I can deal with that. Hopefully when we sit down to discuss the ceremony details we can compromise on something we're all comfortable with.
I'm an atheist, FI believes there might be some higher power, but is not religious. We're getting married in a chapel, only because it is the biggest place we can have our ceremony to accommodate the number of our guests. A close friend is officiating at our DW so there won't be any religious aspects. I still feel kind of bad for using a place of worship when neither of us, nor our families, are religious.
We are getting married and having the reception in the church hall. The priest offered to marry us and we both said no. This is our way of finding a cheap place to have the ceremony and still have it our way. One of the bridesmaids husbands got ordained online so that is how we are doing it.
any religious figure will not marry you if you don't believe in the teachings of their church. They won't because they believe marriage is a convenant with their God and they are doing wrong by officially marrying someone who does not believe in that convenant. You would be very immoral to lie about your non belief in a meeting with a religious leader. It would be disrespectful to you, the church, and even non believers like me who are fighting to be seen as a human being even though im not a christian.
There should be more options for non religious weddings. Right now, people think wedding = church. Wedding really should equal whatever is most fitting and meaningful to the couple. At the end of the day, the wedding is about legal paperwork for tax purposes and social security checks. The government doesnt care who marries you or where.
I think you should really have a heart to heart with your future husband. Talk about your expectations for the future. If you have children, will you raise them going to church and being baptised? Will you need to go to church even though you don't believe in it? Does your FI expect you to one day just wake up and be a christian? You would be surprised by what his perception may actually be. I think the building block for a secure marriage is mutual respect. Its fine to be different religions as long as you both respect each others viewpoints and do not expect each other to convert or something.... although, I know I could never be married to someone with a different religious ideal than mine (agnostic) because if it were truly a big part of them we would never connect fully. Just my opinion though.
I am sort of shocked by how many people are willing to lie about their beliefs to please family members. I have dealt with it too... people are so shocked that me and FI are not christian, we are each agnostic. But I still tell them because it is not my fault that they are close minded.
By not exposing that you are not religious you are just perpetuating the problem... you will be shocked by how many other family members may actually not be all that relgious but have pretended for so long to please people around them.
You shouldnt lie for your family's comfort, that's absurd. If they can't accept your beliefs then that is their issue, not yours. You are accepting of theirs.
I am christian and my FI is agnostic, he didnt want a church wedding, and as i married first time around in a church, it doesnt feel right to me to marry in church, even though the church has relaxed its views about 2nd time marriages in church.
i WOULD however go from the civil ceremony to church for a blessing, that is quite a nice thing to do.
as a wedding photographer myself, i hear a lot of couples say ''we are not religious but we wanted to get married in church because of nice pictures etc'
i think its pretty heathenous to be honest. when there are scores of alternative places to get married.
i have been told by couples that they lied to the vicar about their beliefs JUST to be allowed to marry in the church. its shocking. but what i cant understand is WHY do they even want to get married in a religious place if they dont believe?
I dont see anyone lying?!
We are getting married in a non-denominational chapel, by a secular celebrant.
I really like the chapel. Its really beautiful and perfect for our needs.
I also like that it is owned by two gay men :) the closest I could describe my religion as is buddist, and I respect everyones beliefs and want them to live happily. The chapel we are being married in is more than a hundred years old and has been used for a number of different religions in the past - I am not at all uncomfortable with that.
@future mrs moore........please dont quote the bible to me.......
am i not allowed my opinion? and yes i WILL judge if i so wish, because it is my right to do so.
i said i have been told by my clients.......the lies that they have told just so that they can marry in a church and have nice pictures......i think it is very shallow and pretentious.
if people are not religious then WHY is it so important to have your ceremony in a place of worship? oh i was forgetting.....its the nice building and the stained glass windows......that makes it perfectly ok does it?....a non-believer getting married in church just because its prettier.
I was raised a Catholic, my FI was christened but has never really practiced his C of E religion. Over the last couple of years I've thought a lot about God and I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm unsure in His existence. My FI is pretty ambivalent about it, but thinks on balance we are goverened by a higher power.
Personally, although I wouldn't rule it out if things changed, I wouldn't marry in a church as for me, the significance would be lost if the ceremony was rooted in beliefs and ideals I wasn't sure of. (We are having an outdoor ceremony with an interfaith minister) As the service has to be the most meaningful part of the day, I want it to reflect things we are both sure of - our love for each other and how we will live our lives.
(Edited for clarity!)
@anne B: Actually its none of your business why anyone apart from you does anything at all :) And I am sure you also would agree its not your place to judge other people. I am sure you also believe that, as strongly as I believe it of myself, you being a christian.
The buddist religion places the same amount of empathsis and respect on any place of worship, any place of worship is a wonderful place to rejoice. Why does it bother you that couples are using the place that you worship as a place to celebrate their love for one another?
They are coming to your place of worship to celebrate their love and also, in the eyes of your religion making a morally sound decision to get married and live their lives together. Why can you not simply feel compassion and love for these couples.
How can such a happy act make you feel anger towards the couple?
I honestly see it as an act of mutual respect and a demonstration of peace and harmony.
Christianity teaches to love everybody, and therefore you should welcome these couples into your place of worship with open arms.
Take them in without prejudice.
firstly, when they tell me these things....then it becomes my business, and if there is a thread on here to aire views, then thats what i will do.or is it supposed to be sensored for the likes of people that cannot bear to be challenged?
i am not a crazy bible bashing religious nut, but i have my beliefs, and when people tell me that they are NOT in any way religious but they lied to the vicar because they want the church for there wedding, i just believe its wrong.
but what i cant understand is WHY they want to?
I am not ANGRY, it just pisses me off. yes the teaching of the bible is to love equally, but when i see and hear people taking the piss out the church and church goers, then want to get married there and the ONLY reason is.....because it looks nice, not because of faith or anything else, its totally wrong.
(at least i am not a J/W , knocking on peoples doors at dinner time, telling them what they should believe in)
and as long as we live in a democracy, i will have my own thoughts and say what i like, this was not a dictator state the last time i checked.
You can say or feel however you wish, I am only suggesting that you examine your opinions/feelings.
My FH is Catholic, he goes to church every week and even helps with confirmation. I'm atheist but know it means so much for him and his family, so I am fine with it. We had a lot of choices to choose from, so I still think the ceremony will be beautiful.
AnneB- I don't think you are being fair to everyone. I feel like my marriage still deserves to be in the church, especially since my FH does so much there for the people. Also, I don't see any issue in marrying in a church if it means a lot of the family. In the church I was raised in, no one had to promise anything to get married there, so no lying would be involved. Weddings are for family too. :)
I, personally, would be completely uncomfortable with the idea of "lieing" to family members and priests/clergymen about my religious beliefs. I couldn't imagine saying my marital vows in a setting where I'm uncomfortable or a non-believer. My hubby is Jewish and I'm a non-practicing Catholic, so we chose to get married at a garden, which was neutral location for both of us. As much as I wanted to get married in a church, I was thoughtful of my husband and didn't want for him to have to get married by a priest. IMO, marrying in a religious setting is sacrilegous if you're not a believer.
I realize this may not settle well with some of you, but wanted to throw out my opinion as a believer.
fvsoccer - I would definitely recommend that you have a very lengthy and honest discussion about your concerns with your FI. It is really important for you to discuss issues such as how you'll raise your children prior to their birth or it could add a lot of tension to your relationship (which you won't want to nor have time to deal with since you'll be busy being a Momma). Good Luck to you!
this is exactly what i was trying to say, but you articulated better than me ....:)
i think i already DID examine my feelings and beliefs and thats what didnt bode well with you? i am comfortable with how i feel about it thank you...
Okay girls, lets "play" nicely....okay!? This is just a thread to share your beliefs and offer suggestions to the OP.
It's clear that this debate has hit a nerve with some - can we agree that it comes down to the individual views of each couple; if you are comfortable with what you are doing then there is no problem?
my mentality is that I would rather please my family (which is about 20 religious family members) than have ME be completely satisfied with it and have these 20 family members talk about it til the day I die. I hate confrontation, and I am the person in the family that has to please everyone. I care about them too much to make them unhappy. And my family is a little psychotic..my Italian immigrant aunts and grandparents would disown me if I don't get married in a church. I am not kidding.
I know this sounds unfair to the religious, but we are getting married in a public cathedral that allows ALL religions to hold weddings there. I didn't think it would be fair to get married in my church where i am a 'member'.
My husband is an atheist, but for my family's sake we will likely do our vow renewal in a church (we eloped and no one witnessed our wedding). It's not 100% percent, but it's definitely a real possibility. Anyone who would have a problem with that likely isn't invited anyway.
@Gabrielle123: Your situation goes to show that people shouldn't judge unless they have the whole story. Good luck!
@almostmrsreed: I'm not sure if you were directing your statements at me or at people in general, but I'll respond as if they were directed at me specifically. I specifically stated that I am an atheist and everyone who is close to me (my FI and families) knows that I don't believe. However, it is his family's church and the tradition of holding important family events at that location means a lot to my FI, thus getting married there as a compromise. Also, the pastor specifically stated that he didn't want to know and wouldn't question me about my beliefs, so I don't need to lie to have my wedding there and I wouldn't anyway!
@melisslp: I wasn't very clear in the first post, I meant that my FI's FAMILY, not him, might push for baptisms and religious upbringing later down the road when we have kids if we hold our wedding in a church. My fiance is well aware of how I am willing to raise our kids and that does not include religion! I think my FI is well on his way to becoming an agnostic, atheist or abandoning the Christian religion. I think it may take him a long time because of his upbringing, but he strongly believes in reason and questioning and I think he'll come to the same conclusion I have at some point. Which doesn't matter if he does, just as long as he doesn't go the other direction!
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