(Closed) Any other brides worry about losing their identity? (long)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Well, I don’t have these fears, but I think it’s because I’ve pursued what I want to do. We’ve been long distance for years because I wasn’t going to give up everything, move to be with FI, and get a whatever job while he had his dream job. We both decided that would make me unhappy, and me being unhappy would make him unhappy, and make for a pretty bad marriage. Marriage is about partnership – if you sacrifice everything for your husband and go with all his decisions then it’s not much of a partnership and you won’t be happy. Keep pushing, do what you want, and keep pushing for your dreams. Make sure your husband knows what’s important to you. If you can’t move now set a deadline and don’t let day to day life interfere with making something happen.

Post # 4
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

That’s tough… I don’t really have any advice…. 

I’ve based a lot of decisions in my life around other people.  Sometimes I think it might have been better if I hadn’t… but maybe not.  For me, nothing in life is all that satisfying unless I have someone to share it with.  Sometimes that is more important than doing certain things that you want to do.

 

Post # 5
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee

Yeah….like right now we have to live in a certain area because of my husband, and there are good jobs for me here but not great jobs. 

But….it’s an ongoing discussion and I know I have his support and he’s willing to make sacrifices too and honestly I’m happier having him in my life than without him so the sacrifices are worth it.  I’ve also talked about the fears with him about becomign a mommy because there might be times when I work part time and still retaining an identity, and hopefully I’ll get some stuff worked out that will let me be both an active mommy and pursue passions that can make a bit of $$ as well, but nontraditional angles are always a bit tricky. 

Post # 6
Member
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I’m right there with you.  Not exactly for the same reason, but for sure a little bit of an identity crisis.  For me, I think a lot of it is because I am older.  At 36 I am pretty set in my ways, I own my own things (including property), I am well established with my name (and FI really wants me to change it).  He wants a joint checking account, I am not too into it, on an on….

I also am getting a book to help me out with this, called The Emotianally Engages.  I was having a sickening case of cold feet for a couple of weeks.  I read a few posts on here about it and feeling better now that I know I am not a freak or making a huge mistake.  I think just the act of getting engaged is a huge change in life, and it is good that we are taking a good look at what that means to us and coping now, and not after the wedding. 

For me, not just with my FI but in all areas of life, I try not to see compromise as a way of one person giving in to the other, but a way for two people to come to an agreement that is satisfying to both parties.  Sometimes it isn’t my way or your way, but the third way.  It sometimes takes a little longer to get to that agreement but in my opinion usually more satisfying to all. 

In the end, whatever happens if you are putting your mind to it and thinking this out, it will all be good. 

Post # 7
Member
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

It’s tricky.  Right now I feel like I am putting things I want to do on hold because FI has to finish school.  I think this is going to be a constant of balance and give and take.  You never have to lose who you are.  You don’t have to have children.  And you WILL always keep making music.  I have these fears about having kids though- I am just worried about having children and being sort of “stuck.”  Since I moved back to the midwest, it has been especially difficult, because people here seem to go to college an hour away from where they are from, then get a 9-5, then get married and have children.  There is nothing wrong with that, but it isn’t for me.  Being back here, I have often felt pressured to have children, but I worry about losing my identity at that point.  As long as I can still have time to paint…  I just worry that with kids comes a sense of feeling trapped (sorry, I am digressing!) and losing who you are and -god forbid- what if something happened to DH and I was stuck without a decent career because I was raising our kids :/

Post # 8
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I can certainly sympathize! Like some bees have let on…it’s a trade off. It might mean some difficult decisions.

I have been feeling this way as we have talked about our plans. I’m currently pursuing my master’s and he wants to go to graduate school, but hasn’t come to a decision of where and exactly what type of program. What happens if I don’t get a job where he wants to go to school? Neither of us wants to give up an opportunity, so I guess we might live apart for a while.This is just one example of the things I worry about.

I too don’t want to become someone who just gives up what she wants to be a good wife or mom (when that happens), but I guess there might be some compromises…we will see.

Post # 9
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think you definitely need to talk to him. If you two made one set of plans but now they’re changing because of something he wants to do – he needs to consult you. Marriage is about making decisions together and compromise.

If it were that he needed to do something for 6 mos and that delayed your moving then I would say that’s fine, but if it seems like it’s inevitable that you won’t be able to pursue what you want you need to have a discussion with him, otherwise you’ll just end up resenting him and your situation.

I’ve been in this situation several times with people I’ve dated. One expected me to move without having a job – I was horrified I’d end up never working in the industry that I wanted to be end, so I had to end that relationship. The other never knew what he wanted to do an was always considering moving or starting new businesses but I just couldn’t handle never knowing what was going on and always facing the possiblity of change.

Nothing was wrong with either of these people, it’s just that I knew I wouldn’t be happy following someone else’s dreams.

Post # 10
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Jenn-I can totally understand where you are coming from.  My fiance proposed 3 years ago.  Like you, when he initially proposed I was really afraid of getting married.  As time passed, I began to realize I was most afraid of losing my identity, feeling trapped and alone.  However, my fiance and I have been through over a year of private premarital counseling, it has made a world of difference.  As I approach the wedding day, I know with full confidence that he is the one and that I am better with him.  He has helped me in so many ways become a better person and chase after my dreams.  Just a little something to think about.

Post # 11
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

The two of you really need to talk.  For big decisions like that, it needs to be both partner’s decision.  We moved across the country last year for my husband’s job because we figured I could get something anywhere and he was having problems finding anything.

Make sure that you pursue your passion wherever you are.  I don’t want to be the sterotype either.  Even though I’m warming up to kids now, I really want to have a career and a passion of my own.

Post # 12
Member
7779 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Oh man, I totally feel you. My anxiety has been getting out of control about this whole issue. FI is in the military, so after the wedding I am giving up my whole life to move across the country to the base he is stationed at. My family, my friends, my job, everything. It’s nerve-wracking. I really, really dont want to be the stereotypical young military wife who gets knocked up right away and stays at home to “mind the house and the children”. I have this huge fear that that is exactly whats going to happen.

Post # 14
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I felt the same way for a really long time. I wanted to be a journalist, which means moving frequently (the only way to advance is to transfer to different cities to find larger and larger papers, if you don’t want to become an editor). It also meant mostly crappy pay, which just isn’t practical since he’s not making a lot of money, either. I’m currently a bookkeeper, in the same city that we both grew up in, and I’ve put my writing to the side. It was a hard decision to make, but to me it was more important to stay with him and be in the same city our families are in.

For you, the choice may be different. Never give up your dreams, just find new ways to realize them. It sounds like he’s an understanding guy, and I’m sure you two can find a way to have both. I would stay assertive if I were you – make sure he knows you aren’t just putting your dreams on hold so that he can follow his without any sacrifices. Your dreams are just as important as his. That said, someone has to compromise somewhere! Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I have to admit, I’m super spoiled in that my soon to be husband and I are both working on Ph.D.s right now and he really, truly wants to go back to teaching high school (his job before grad school), which means that I can pretty much take any job I want and he will always be able to find something (no high school would turn down a Ph.D. level chemist who wants to teach). We did go through some pre-marital counseling that helped us come to to this decision and it was great.

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