Weddingbee boards

Not only am I about to become a wife, I'm going to be a stepmother to a four year old boy. We have a great relationship, but at times it definitely can be challenging. Just wondering if there was anyone else out there in the same boat?

I think the hardest part for me is knowing the HE knows that there's a boundary. He's at the age (4) where he's testing and pushing, trying to figure out what he can get away with, but I think he realizes that I can't give him as much trouble as his Mom or Dad can, or at least that there are limits however miniscule or invisible they may be.

I also find it hard not to resent some of the limits having a stepchild places on our life together. He's wonderful and I love him to death, but we'll never be able to take a vacation without jumping through hoops re-arranging weekends or confirming that said weekends are set in stone. FI works a lot, so our time together is precious. I've had to learn to share which can be hard at times for me. It's getting easier as time goes on, but the odd time when the weekend rolls around and I'm just friggin exhausted, the last thing I want to do is deal with potty time, making sure all our meals are homemade and healthy, and managing time out situations. Other weekends are great and we have a great time and thankfully those are the weekends we have most often.

I am so thankful that this situation has brought FI and I together rather than splitting us apart. We've learned to work so well together as a team, and I know when it comes time to have our own kids we'll be so well prepared. I think it would have been easier for me to walk away, but I stayed in it because I knew what I had with my lovely soon-to-be-hubby was special even though we hadn't been together long. I guess I learned from what my Dad told me a few years back "Sometimes you just do things for the person you love".

@snowflake  Thanks for your encouraging words! I think as time goes on and he gets a bit older things will be easier too. Between potty training and all the crazy growth hormones going through his body, moods can flip around so quickly with him it's hard to keep up! I've surprised myself with the amount of patience I've learned, but I've also learned when it's best to walk away and deem an afternoon of special father/son time, LOL! I'm happy with how far our relationship has come and I'm so thankful that I've been in his life since the start and I'm not some new fixture he's trying to figure out. I know we'll both settle into patterns and routines and soon enough he won't be so reliant on us for everything.

Thankfully the situation with the "baby momma" for lack of a better term has improved greatly. She used to be a bit on the crazy train, but she seems to have done a 180 and is genuinely happy for her son to have a loving stepmother. We get along fine although our parenting styles are WORLDS apart, but I still keep a healthy distance to keep myself sane.

Through it all, I think the thing I had to "get over" the most was the idea of the firsts. First Christmas, first birthday, first first first. I feel/felt a bit ripped off that when I have our kids, it won't be my husband's first child, first birth experience. I've come to recognize though that our firsts will be special and incredible for him for a lot of different reasons. Yes there is only one first but our first will be his first in a loving and commited relationship. Wow, I don't think I could have put the word first in there any more... LOL!

Oh my gosh guys seriously I feel like crying! It's so great to know I'm not alone in this! I tried looking at "step parenting" boards ages ago, but every site I found was so negative and all the women were saying things like "if one of my girlfriends ever started dating a guy with kids I would tell her not to do it, step parenting is the worst thing in the world". I wasn't going to accept that that was the only attitude and experience as my own. And while I admit that if a girlfriend started dating a guy with a kid, I would tell her to take it very very very slowly and think about the commitment that it takes to SO many people when you get involved with kids, I would never say it's been the worst experience of my life. It's been the most trying. The most difficult. But it's shown my FI and I that we make an amazing team, both in parenting and the rest of our life together.

I admit that my favourite part of kids is when they go home, LOL! I've always lacked a bit of the maternal instinct, and I've always felt guilty about it. But I was talking about this with my oldest friend/BM who said that her mom is exactly the same way. Her mom, who to me is like friggin Joan Cleaver, most perfect of all perfect mom's. She likes kids but likes them more when the go home. BUT she likes her kids, and that's what made her such a great mom. I'm working on my maternal instinct thing and I think I've come a long way. I'm good in the weekend doses, but when we have him for longer than 3 days I sort of start to lose patience. I think we all do, LOL.

@mtnbridenc  Counselling was a smart idea. I bawled all my issues up into a deep corner and ended up with horrible anxiety which culminated in weird stomach and social anxiety issues. It was NOT fun. I found an awesome naturopath who sorted me out though, and between that and communicating more with my FI, things are so much better. Sounds like we both have amazing men at our sides!

I'd like to make a toast!

*Here's to single moms/parents who don't get twelve days off in between visits. We may not always get along, but you have the tougher job and I commend you!*

You're absolutely right, full-out mommy mode is a while off. We're talking about having kids of our own in 3-4 years, but when FI made a comment the other day about "if" we decide to have kids, I almost felt a small sense of relief. I don't picture us not having kids of our own, but it's nice to know the option is there if we need it, LOL!