- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
You are definitely unique, RoddyBride 
Although I think this becomes more common with say, a mother moving in when you are older (maybe in your 30's/40's when one of your parents would be ailing more likely from natural causes?). I have a friend whose grandma has lived with them FOREVER.
MIL lives with us. It's not much fun. We'll likely live with her forever because of Chinese tradition (unless she moves in with SIL).
Thanks ejs :)
Health reasons is why the FIL lives with us. He is 56 years old and has had a brain tumor removed at 33 and since then has suffered from 6 strokes with Sept. 2008 being the worst of them all, which lead him to be disabled. He is crazy young but the hubs and I couldn't have him living out on his own, even though I don't have a great relationship with him. He would be dead by now. That we couldn't live with. Noone else wanted to help so at 24 the hubs stepped up.
This was definitely not how I saw my life but we try to make the best of it.
@JoeysWife - I never knew that it was a Chinese tradition. I learn something new everyday.
I think if we had a better relationship with my FIL it would make life so much easier but unfortunately it isn't. It really is hard for me to look passed his past even though none of it was toward me.
It's a Korean thing, too. My grandma lived with her daughter for years. It really stressed my aunt out. Getting her to live in an assisted living home has been a HUGE adjustment. She keeps saying things like "i move in with you now?" to my mom. It's "expected" but my parents know she needs proper medical care (she's type 1 diabetic and almost 80) and her culture tends to have a, well, "wait on me" sort of attitude because that's how it works in Korea....elders get taken care of by their children.
@ejs- Yup! They feel that the kids owe it to them to take care of the elders since they took care of the kids while they grew up. My mother in law isn't really old and can DEFINITELY care for herself without any issues, but it's just expected for the younger generation to do that. When they're really traditional, they even expect an "allowance." FIL was talking about 1,000 a month! There's no way we could afford that, especially since whatever we give to FIL, MIL will expect more (they're divorced). My husband and SIL try to have as little to do with their father as possible though (long story that's not for here lol). It's no fun, but luckily MIL doesn't interfere too much. The worst part is that she has so much STUFF and clutter EVERYWHERE and we can't get rid of anything. Like we have to sneak empy boxes and packing peanuts out to the trash or else if she sees it she might want to keep it for something. No joke! If that's the worst of our problems though, it's not so bad lol
@JoeysWife - if it makes you feel any better, my FIL is a pack rat. I like how he compares to the hoarders on tv and says he isn't as bad so it doesn't matter. I mean he isn't as bad but he has a lot of crap! He has an entire box of stuffed animals. Yes, a 56 year old man with stuffed dolls. (sigh)
Wow. You ladies are much more patient than me. I can barely handle all the junk Dh and I have, let alone a third person putting their stuff everywhere. And an allowance?! I can't imagine having a spare $1,000/month floating around! Maybe $100, haha. Really though, that's what pensions are for. I know my gma doesn't get much (some veterans pension b/c gpa retired in the military) but my mom saves it every month and then uses it to buy her clothes and food and stuff.
I would totally sneak boxes in and chuck stuff away! Sometimes, i go into MY closet and go "if i threw this chest out, what would i miss?" and i realize...nothing.
Wow...RoddyBride...you are a Saint in my book! I really admire you for having such the good attitude that you do. I wish I could be more...hmm...patient, kind, humble, etc. lol I should definitely take a lesson from you! You Rock!
My DH and I often worry that this will be the case with his parents (mainly his mom...his parents are divorced). I have told him under absolutely no circumstances will his mother live with us while we have our children at home (unless ofcourse, there is a health issue like in your case). DH's mother spends money like it's going out of style. She's nearly 50 and I'd be shocked if she had more than a few hundred bucks in the bank account each month. Clearly, saving for her retirement is not her priority. Her attitude is that when she reaches retirement age, it's up to her kids to take care of her. I think she may have overlooked the fact that none of her kids have children right now, so in 15 years, when she's ready to retire, we're all going to have very young children at our homes and will not have the financial means or space to accomodate her. I know in some cultures, supporting your parents is the norm...but in her case, it's pure selfishness & laziness. I'm not going to let her lack of planning and discipline take away from my future children's financial stability. I have a HUGE issue (to say the least) with people who expect hand outs. With that said, I know tragedies happen, serious health issues, financial hardship, etc...and for those, I would gladly take in a family member to help out. But I'm not going to reward someone like my MIL who could be/could have been providing for herself, yet chose to burden her children when there was no reason too.
@JsDragonfly - That is very kind of you but I am far from being a saint. Unfortunately, this was a if I want my hubs as my man, I had to include his dad kind of thing. I understood that from the get-go but man, I have learned and still learn more about this man's past and it bothers me. The hubs and I talk often about our FIL about a lot of the things he does and we always end up confused. If we chat with him about things, he becomes super defensive and all that crap. I can probably write a book about this man's life.
As for your MIL not saving money, I can say that my FIL is nearly the same way. He does not have a savings nor any retirement money. He relies on SS and his disability pension. He'll spend money on books galore, junk food, and other meaningless crap. I really believe he does this because he believes that being rich or having money is bad and against what God wants. We tell him all the time to make sure he saves his money as a JIC because the hubs and I will not be used as his bank when things go wrong. Like SS was trying to screw him over and reduce his pay for 3 months which would have left him with money only to pay for his prescriptions but not his health insurance and such. We try to help him out and give him advice but since the hubs is not the "golden child" whatever we say is ignored. The best was when he donated $300 to some organization to help send a Jewish man in Somalia back to Israel... 'nuff said.
I honestly hate complaining about him and his actions but noone really understands the depth of what the hubs and I go through with this guy. Most of the time, the only advice we get from people is to kick him out. WOW, that is truly not helpful.
Yeah, it's definitely very common in Asian cultures.
Roddy, I have a lot of respect for you for living with your FIL. I know with Americans sometimes the concept is so foreign to them and I think anyone that's any less of a human being than you & your FI would just throw their FIL to the wind so to speak. So Kudos!
Having ILs live with you is def a lot of strain whether it's expected or not. There's bound to be personalities clashing when there are two "mothers". Know what I mean?
FI and I always joke that if we move back closer to NYC we need to buy a house with a "detached apartment" because my mom would surely move in with us. I don't think I can live in the same space as my mom. Hahha. She has a different way of keeping house than FI and I! But she is a great little worker!! :P
@Joeswifey,
The GREAT benefit is a free babysitter that you know will love your child as much as you do! No one loves a grandchild like Chinese grandparents! They are the jewels of their eyes!
It's funny because most Chinese parents I know are supreme cheapskates. They never spend any money on themselves because they hoard every cent so that when they die they will give it to their kids. It frustrates me when my mom does that! Ugh. I always tell her "Mom! Just buy that darn shirt! I'll buy it!".
So Chinese parents expect their children to take care of them when they are older but not necessarily in a complete financial dependency kind of way.
I always give my mom spending money when we go back but she always refuses it saying "when you get a real job". And now it's "when you're married". Pretty soon she'll run out of excuses and have to take the money from me! I just leave it on her dresser. Hehe.
@roddybride
I feel like we are living the same life! at least from what you've said... and honestly I'm having a very tough time with it right now.
I think he's waiting to propose until after he's sure I can make it through the rough stuff and still stay stable and sane lol.its. not. going. well.
We live with his dad, he cant cover his mortgage, so the boy has been paying it for the last 3+ years or so. He's 68 and qualifies for SS (which would cover everything) but he's 10+ years behind on his taxes. It's a nightmare, but the boy is kinda stuck, he doesn't feel right just leaving him here- he won't help himself... but on the other hand it's getting to the point where he can't really afford to do this anymore, there really is no end in sight- other than 
him going somewhere nice and fluffy. Which is terrible to say. But even then, the boy would be stuck to pick up the pieces and deal with the huge mess his father left behind for him. I think the worst part is that he has two daughters (20+ years older than my boy) that refuse to have any contact with him whatsoever.. he has great grandchildren that he's never met and probably doesn't know about.. it's just redic.
it's a Mexican thing too... Come October, I will be part of a threesome..my FI has his mother living with him. He is the last single child so she lives with him since his father passed 8 years ago. I knew what I was getting into, but I am very nervous about it. We get along, but she is a chatterbox, so I know that will get on my nerves a bit. I can't blame her, she spends a lot of time alone (FI works a lot). I am a patient person, but I also have a very expressive face (even when I try to mask it..lol) I'm hoping things go ok...
Well, right now WE live in my in-laws house. It's definitely interesting. I've learned a lot more about my husband through living with his parents... sometimes it's good and sometimes it's more like "Oh gosh I hope he doesn't turn into that."
It's interesting being in such close range of another marriage at such a different stage than ours, with such a different dynamic and priorities. Sometimes it's helpful to learn from their wisdom, and other times I just have to learn from what looks like their mistakes... although sometimes it's hard to tell what is them being dysfunctional (in minor ways, just like anyone else, really), or just them being DIFFERENT.
Heh, I guess my number one learning process in living with my husband's family has been repeating the phrase "Different is not bad" over and over. :)
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| ellisrobertson | 23 |
| fishbone | 15 |
| MsPanda | 14 |
| aduarte3201 | 14 |
| pengoala | 11 |
| ShellVee | 10 |
| ladyartichoke | 10 |
| ndreighton | 10 |
| mypinkshoes | 9 |
 sylvia.riggle |
9 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| msmolar | 1 |
I know at this age, my hubs and I are a rare breed. For the last year and a half, my FIL has been living with my hubs and I, but for four + years before, he was living with just my hubby (bf at the time). When I had met my hubby, he was contemplating on bringing his dad in so my FIL has been a part of our relationship since day 1. It has been an interesting an enlightening road and definitely not one for the meek.
We found that this situation has helped us to build our foundation quicker and stronger making us a better couple. We don't let any of his father's problems be our problems. Whatever happens between the two of us, stays between us. Meaning we would never break apart because of his dad. Yes, this has prevented us from being the normal 20's couple because of our priorities but we try to do our best to live the life we want to live.
I am interested in knowing whether there are any other couples out there just like us? What are your pains, struggles and how do you two deal with them? Has this helped to build your relationship stronger or slightly weakened it?