any police wives out there?

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
1892 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

fiona2011:  state trooper wife here. Not trying to be rude, but get ready… This life isn’t for everyone… Especially the wives. You have to be really strong and supportive. There will be days where he is t going to want to talk about his day… DO NOT FORCE him to talk about it. There will be things that he needs to deal with in himself… You may feel like he’s pulling away, he’s not. It’s the life.

Post # 3
332 posts
Helper bee

graygodess20:  +1. My DH is an investigator/detective in a more specialized aspect of police work, versus being the traditional uniformed patrol cop (which he was for many years prior to taking this position). In his case, he is fortunately at MUCH less risk of running into danger. However, it still happens from time to time. It actually happened yesterday. Yes, it’s terrifying at times. There’s nothing you can do about it, though. So, you have to instill a whole lot of faith (and zero doubt) in your DH’s ability to “hold his own” and come home everyday. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for a lot of inner turmoil that will eventually reflect upon your relationship.

The schedule is also not usually ideal. My DH is fortunate to have a more “regular” daytime schedule because of the nature of his work, but still has to work some all-nighters. That’s usually inevitable with a career in police work.

Like a PP said, they see some AWFUL things that can be *really* traumatizing. Anything involving a child is the worst for my DH. Some of those images will be forever engrained in their minds.They try to act tough, but it can build up in a PTSD sort if way. That’s probably the most important thing for you to be prepare for. Like PP said, don’t probe. Just be loving and supportive… I usually order my DH pizza and dessert (his favorite, and a rare occasion that he eats it) and let him sleep/rest. I offer a loving ear if he wants to talk, but never force him. 

There is also a culture to this line of work. You’ll see some of his future coworkers who you may not think very highly of, and some that are really great men/women. My DH says any academy student “can go one of two ways”. They either let their new cop-status go to their head and go rogue/aren’t necessarily in it for all of the right reasons, -OR- they remain humble and take the “protect and serve” mentality and truly run with it throughout their entire career. Fortunately my DH is the latter, and I’m sure yours will be too. 

Lastly, work is work. You can’t complain about any of the above with your DH, because it is his job. So, while I sometimes want to get pouty if he gets shafted on his on-call schedule or something, I do always keep that in mind.

Post # 4
49 posts

I’m also a State Trooper wife. I couldn’t agree more with what PP have said. Get ready for a novel I have a lot of advice since it’s still so fresh.

My husband and I got married April of last year, and he started the State Patrol Academy in June. His program was 31 weeks M-F, so Monday at 8 AM through Friday at 5 PM he wasn’t allowed to leave campus or have any visitors. The academy was run much like military basic training. His clothes had to be pressed, folded and put away a certain way, everything had to be polished, and clean, his room had to be organized and perfect otherwise his things would be thrown in the hallway on room inspection day. On top of that he had tests, required reading, physical fitness classes, and of course getting to know the other cadets. Please, please, please don’t take it personal or hold it against him if some nights he’s too tired or busy to call you. I’d much rather my husband spend his free time getting to know the other cadets instead of talking to me since these are the men and women who could potentially be saving his life.

To help keep up his morale I would write him letters for each day of the week he was gone and sneak them into his suitcase when he left for the week. He still has every letter I wrote because he said some mornings that was what kept him going. If your husband is allowed to have them, I also baked cookies or snacks that he kept in his car. 

The day my husband graduated was the best day of my entire life, even trumping my wedding day. Now that he is a commissioned trooper life has changed so much. A lot of senior troopers have given us some really great advice. Get to know the other officers your husband will be working with. These people will become a huge part of your life. Also, their experience and words of wisdom will be very helpful. Some things they suggested to us:

If he is working swing shift or has to work late into the night do you want him to wake you when he gets home? I find it comforting to hear my husband take off his gear and wake me to let me know he is home.

Set-up somewhere near the front door where he can take off his shoes. No work shoes are allowed in the house since he could have been handling accident scenes with blood and other bodily matter.

Allow him time to decompress when he gets home. You have no idea what he saw that day or the people he had to deal with. I have learned not to take it personal if I get the silent treatment when he gets home.

Holidays, birthdays, anniversary dates will become just a number on the calendar. My husband worked Christmas, my birthday, our wedding anniversary, and many other special occasions. You’ll learn fast that these days are just numbers on a calendar, and it doesn’t matter if you have Christmas the 20th or the 25th. It does get lonely when you have to go to special occasions alone or spend your birthday by yourself, the actual date has no real significance. Also, it is really easy to grow resentment towards your husband because he is missing so many events whether he is scheduled to work or gets called out. I can’t count the number of times I spent hours cleaning and cooking a nice meal for my husband to have to work late and I end up eating alone.

If your husband’s shifts rotate like my husband’s do, there may be months were you only see each other a couple hours a week. My husband can work 7am- 3pm w/ Thursdays and Fridays off, then the next month work 11pm- 7 am with Mondays and Tuesdays off. For us, I only work part time so that I am home more to spend time with him. We don’t have a lot of extra money, but I treasure the extra time we get together.

If he is going to be working late maybe set up a special code he can text you to let you know he is safe in case he doesn’t have the time or ability to call. Ours is just a single number.

I’m sorry this was so long. It really is hard to be married to a LEO and takes a lot of love and support. All the best to you and your husband!


Post # 5
1892 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Your also going to see a change in him. A change that can honestly end a relationship. That’s when it’s your “job” to change with him and understand why his personality is changing. Like PP said, and I agree +1000000 that some are in this for the right reasons and many do it for the “status”. 

You have to have faith in his ability to do what he is trained for. If you don’t, then you will drive yourself crazy. He’s going to have to work with female LEO’s and (in my experience anyway) MANY have bad reputations for sleeping around… You have to also have trust in your relationship… If he’s not home 3 mins after his shift ends, you can’t go nuts think why? What’s he doing? He’s most likely on a call that is taking long… 

Being new to a station is not the easiest. He is the “boot”, he’s gonna get shit on… (Don’t misinterpret for hazing) he’s gonna get his balls busted for anything and everything…. thats when he’s gonna come home abd question if it’s worth it…After hard calls he’s going to really question if he can do this. And as a SO, you have to be his backbone, his rock. He didnt go through the academy for nothing…. Most guys who really aren’t aupoose to be in the field of work do t make it through the academy… Very few do and then quit. But you do t want them backing your SO up on that burglary in progress… make sure hes the person that can be trusted in that situation.


these will also not only be his coworkers, they become your family…. Get to know them, and their spouses…. It’s worth it in the end.

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