Any worries second time around?

posted 3 years ago in Encore
Post # 3
Member
3432 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

The success rate for first-time marriages is discouragingly low.  The success rate for subsequent marriages is worse.  So I think anyone who claims to have no worries is just not thinking realistically.  However, you’ve got to make up your own mind on whether you think a life with your FI is likely to be better than a life without him/her.

FWIW, I’m 4 years into my second marriage, and very happy I decided to do it.

Post # 4
Member
6073 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@daniellenshriver:  Well I did a lot of therapy and soul searching and book reading, and I feel like I know exactly HOW and WHY I ended up with my ex and why that relationship didn’t work (luckily it did not work – I settled big time).  Since I have discovered those things, and vow not to do them again, PLUS I’ve educated myself on what makes great marriages work, how picking the right partner for you really is the key (not just luck or coincidences) – I really really really feel like I did much better this time around. 

Going into my first marriage, I was really clueless on how crucial it was to pick a good partner.  I thought 50/50 was a true gamble.  I think when you choose poorly and you figure that out down the road at year 5-7, that is wnat contributes the high rate, not just a pure roulette wheel like I thought before.

If you’re wondering what kind of work I’m walking about – I am an adult child of an alcoholic.  I never realized how much that environment affects you as an adult – and even more so in your intimate relationships.  I was a super responsible child.  I was also kind of a rescuer (not thinking in my head “I’ll fix him up.” rather I was just drawn to those men).  I found my irresponsible ex, and I enabled  him making him even more irresponsible.  That’s what ACOAs do.  Once I got healthy and stopped my enabling ways, my ex revolted. He wanted to remain a man child through and through. Plus he was terribly mean on top of it.

So I think if you uncover your old patterns if any, figure out why you do them, then you have some better chances at not having worries.  Lots of people do no work at all, and just repeat history over and over.

A great book that does just that is “Are you the One for Me?” by Barbara D’Angelis.

When I met my now H, I did not worry about us getting married.  It felt completely right.  Maybe I talked myself into knowing I was doing better this time or maybe I really was, but I felt 1000000x better about getting married the second time.

Post # 5
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee

Every first persons divorce is a different experience from others. Me, I’m glad to be doing it the second time. I know I found the person I want to be with the rest of my life.  I am much happier and he makes me happy.   I went from a selfish person to a selfless person.  

I’m excited to get re-married and actually have someone to call my husband for once in my life. 

Post # 6
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I was a little worried about telling people in the beginning that we were planning to get married because the first marriage breakdown was such a shock to me and my entire family.  That quickly wore off.  I know I want to spend the rest of my life with this man.  Yes, I thought that the first time.  Who knows what will happen in the future?  I would never marry this man if I had any doubts.  All i can go on is my gut instinct and how he makes me feel.  Id rather risk it again than spend the rest of my life wondering what if and turning down great things because I got burnt by the fire once before.

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