Post # 1
I can’t quite believe I’m writing this post.
I got engaged last weekend. Since we got engaged, Fiance took two days before telling his family and still hasn’t told any of his friends. He’s spoken to friends on email etc but not told them of the ‘good’ news. He’s been really irritable and we had a fight yesterday because I sent him a request on facebook to confirm our engagement and he wouldn’t accept it, also it’s my birthday Monday and I would’ve liked to celebrate our engagement and my birthday by going away for the night. He agreed to this 2 weeks ago but keeps putting me off organising anything and then got mad because I said I was finding it hard to understand why he wants to keep this so quiet and not celebrate.
He’s shouted at me to stop pressuring him and nagging him (since proposing he hasn’t lifted a finger around the house or been very sociable).
Everyone keeps asking me what we’re doing to celebrate and I’m just about ready to crack into tears. I’ve been awake half the night for the last two days worrying that his proposal wasn’t genuine.
The night after he did it two mutual friends asked us to go over for a drink to celebrate – he didn’t come.
Isn’t he supposed to be excited? He says he is, but that he doesn’t want the attention.
Please someone offer some words of wisdom, getting engaged is not at all what I thought it would be 🙁
Post # 3
we waited a few days to tell everyone…about 4-5. I sent my 2 sisters and best friend a text saying how I just got engaged and the picture of the ring that night. Other than that, we just enjoyed it to ourselves for a few days and let the next BIG step in our relationship to sink in before sharing with everyone else.
Fiance is very private, hates FB (so do I) but he confirmed it the day I requested (4 days out) because he knew it was important to me. But other than that, he took a few days to tell his parents and friends.
It just sounds like he doesn’t like the extra attention and I can understand that. Thats how my Fiance is. It’s a big deal with us…not so much everyone else. It’s part of the reason we are having a destination wedding, he hates all eyes on him…if that makes sense. Your Fiance sounds private to me and not necessarily non-excited about you two making the next big step together.
Post # 4
@Mrs McCain 2012: Hi
Thank you for your reply. It’s been a week now and I’m just wondering how much longer it will take. He’s arranged to go out with his friends tonight after saying every night for the last three that we’ll sit down and arrange a weekend away for this weekend. Re the facebook thing, he hates it too and got so mad last night. He says he doesn’t want to put it on there until he’s told his friends. He said that if I’m so desperate he’ll give me his password and I can do it for him which was embarrassing.
I don’t mind about him not wanting attention, but I feel like he’s not proud of it and doesn’t even want to celebrate with me instead of being on his xbox and watching telly as normal.
Post # 5
If I may ask, how old are you guys?
It would make me really sad for him to reject my “engaged” status on FB too 🙁
Post # 6
@ weeble78 Hi and nice to meet you. I am sorry you are going through this. My Fiance and I both didn’t want to do the FB thing until we told our close friends and family (more like me making a point to not request his status until we told those close to us). So maybe you two just aren’t communicating how you would handle the logistics of announcing it to your family and friends therefore you feel hurt and he’s feeling pressured.
On the upside, at least he’s comfortable enough to just give you the password to update his status…but I can see it as being rude to update the status before you personally tell those closest to you because they might feel as if they were not important enough to know before the big FB hoopla announcement.
I just think it’s mis communication on how you two want to handle telling people.
🙂 Cheer up sweetie! Your’re engaged! Wishing you two the best!!!
Post # 7
Thank you ladies! Well we’re in our mid-thirties – yes, I know! And as for updating facebook, I’d told him I wanted to update it and he said he was happy for me to do that. I waited for him to tell his Dad, then gave it another five days and got fed up with him getting mad so I went ahead. Maybe I’m a little selfish but I was just soooooo excited and couldn’t wait to see what people thought – I’ve been overwhelmed by how excited other people are for me!
@Mrs McCain 2012: Thanks for your sensible advice, it’s kind of you. Maybe he is feeling this way and wants to keep it between ourselves, but it would be helpful of him to say so!
Post # 8
No problem. Glad that I could help. From an outside point of view, now that you have told me your age range…it makes so much more sense. Most guys his age could give a rats a$$ about FB anything…I wouldn’t take it to personally if I were you; but I do share your enthusiasm. I loved hearing the kind replies from the peeps on FB
Post # 9
Mine also hates facebook but keeps it because he’s a musician so its good networking. We didn’t put our engagement on facebook for over a month – and I let him be the boss of that since I know he has reservations about over-sharing.
Is it possible that you kinda got a little TOO excited (not that I blame you) and got him a little on edge? Like a lot of girls see the ring in the box, and before its even slid all the way down the finger she’s talking about calling family, friends, announcing it, picking a date, etc and guys go “WOAH THERE COWBOY…lets enjoy the moment, shall we??”
Im not saying this is what you did – just wondering if its possible, because I’ve seen this happen, and then it causes fights due hurt feelings on one side, and pressure on the other. Guys in general don’t think about wedding as much as we do, so I think its normal for them to be more excited about you actually saying “Yes” and then “I do” than any of the stuff that comes in between.
Post # 10
I read the book Emotionally Engaged, and I’m sure some of it could apply to your groom too. I was where he was, honestly. I wanted to be engaged, but once we were, it made me feel sick to think about it. Like, I had to lie down so I wouldn’t throw up once. I had to really focus on what was making me feel so anxious and nauseous. It turns out I was worrying too much on “what ifs” and it was making me really paranoid and unhappy. I had to focus on other things like how we work through problems now, how we support each other, how we’re great at conflicts, etc. instead of wondering if we’d get divorced, if I had made the right choice, if we’d always be happy…
That was just me though. There were a few other personal issues I had to deal with, but once I did, I felt MUCH happier. It was like a weight had been liften from my chest.
Maybe he’s having a hard time adjusting, and he isn’t quite ready to be super cheery. I know the book helped me, so I’m not sure how you could approach this topic with him. Don’t assume he wasn’t genuine with the proposal. He may just be dealing with other issues he didn’t realize he had. My feelings of anxiety/fear/nausea happened IMMEDIATELY after he proposed, and I was then rattled that I felt that way. It might be nagging at him that he’s not as happy as he “should” be, so he’s taking it out on others.
All these things are definitely maybes. I don’t know him like you do, so you know the best way to deal with this type of situation.
Good luck to you though, and congratulations on your engagement!
Post # 11
For some people it’s nothing to boast about…but I’d be sad too. I think you should talk, tell him you udnerstand if he’s not into all the hoopla, but tell him how you feel. It should matter to him.
Post # 12
@Mrs McCain 2012: I actually don’t think I agree about the age/FB thing. Most people my age are more like ‘whatevs, not like I am going to be logged in to check anyway. Do whatever you want’.
“He’s shouted at me to stop pressuring him and nagging him (since proposing he hasn’t lifted a finger around the house or been very sociable).” This concerns me a wee bit. Only because he seems pretty socially anxious. I know he has a FB account, but do you know him as an extrovert, or is he primarily a super low key guy? He shouldn’t suddenly downplay his participation in the household…
Post # 13
@Mrs. Bear Cheese Pie: I agree with you, I think this is much more likely than him being reserved.
OP, he wouldn’t have stopped cleaning around the house and gotten so nasty with you just out of reservation. I think he may just be freaking out over the fact that he’s engaged. Honestly, after my SO and I first talked about engagement and I started actively waiting I had a period like that too. I didn’t realize why I was so bitchy until later, when I saw that I was just freaking out over “omg, this is actually happening, let’s hope it’s the right time and the right thing to do, etc”
Just try to talk to him, sit him down and just listen to everything he has to say. And since he probably will say it’s “nothing” and pout, I think you should schedule a night just with the two of you, just celebrating together and enjoying it. After a few drinks he may open up 😉
I don’t think there’s anything to worry about. But a lot of times guys will say “oh, it’s nothing” but they act strange, and then a week or so later they finally admit that something was indeed bothering them.
Post # 14
Well, the facebook think itself, meh. I can see why he would not be all over it yet if he has not told friends and family. Not everyone wants facebook to be the way everyone finds out!
When my husband and I got engaged, we decided off the bat we would take a couple days to tell anyone, and then we would call the people we wanted to tell. There never was a facebook announcement!
We have been married 2 1/2 years and only recently did we indicate we were actually married to each other! Mainly as neither of us USE FB much and my husband often hides his profile. He had “deleted” it before we got engaged and only opened it up every few months so there never was cause or ability to really indicate we were married to each other. Recently he decided to open it up on an ongoing basis and sent me a relationship request (mine indicated I was married but was not linked to him since he was so often deleted!). This has NOTHING to do with our relationship or how we feel each other. We feel very blessed to be with each other! More like how we just are not facebook people!
The other changes though? When we got engaged my husband and I were over the moon excited. It was such an exciting and close time, despite other issues (medical) going on. But we were also both really ready for that step, individually and relationship wise. The act of engagement can in some cause some anxiety.If he is feeling anxious, the adult thing to do is to talk to you about it, not stop helping out or yelling! That being said, if he is a private person and does not want the attention yet maybe his anxiety is coming from the pressure he is feeling about that. I also do not know the circumstances of the engagement. Was he getting pressure or feeling pressure to propose? Had you talked about marriage – what you expected, feared, hoped, desired beforehand?
It is time to talk. In a calm moment say “FI, I am really excited about our engagement. I really would like to celebrate and let people know. When I see that you have not told anyone and do not want to celebrate, I imagine that you are having doubts about our engagement and I feel insecure. Is this accurate?”. If you two are ready to get married, you are also ready to communicate about these sorts of things with emotional honesty and openness. If he is feeling thwt way, and is mature, he will let you know. Counseling, pre marital counseling or individual, may be a great idea whether or not he is feeling this way.
Post # 15
My Fiance called his mom right after he proposed but everyone is different. Some men just don’t like the attention and “hoopla” that comes with being engaged that doesn;t mean his proposal wasn;t geuine. It may be something else bothering him I would sit down and talk to him.
Post # 16
Even though he didnt do the “traditional proposal” we too wait for a couple weekd before telling a lot of people and we still havent changed our relationship status on FB. But I can remember feeling like it wasnt genuine or that he didnt really want to do it because he sisnt want to tell anyone then. But in the end my Fiance admitted that he just needed time to think and absorb everything and that he didnt want other people pressuring him with questions. After he told me that I kinda gave him room to breath and he everything worked itself out.
Good luck and congrats 🙂