Post # 1
I feel i’m at my wits end so I’ll explain. My Fiance and I have been together for 5 years and got engaged last year. The ex wife who he’d not long split from when we met is inconsistent in nature, I’ve been trying to crack it for 5 years now. Last year when I realised I’d forgot her birthday I posted her a card but when it came to mine 2 months later and she’d have gone to get me a card with the kid she said she forgot! That hurt me and so much for making an effort. Before my birthday as it’s at Christmas I put my heart on my sleeve and said ‘glad we can get on’ thinking it would break the ice even further. Days later we got engaged and she got even cooler with me. On occassions she is able to muster up a wave when i’m sat in the car. I really don’t want to have to feel awkward when and if she opens the door. I’m sorry to rant and some may say I knew what I was letting myself in for when I got with Fiance, which I did but I underestimated her.
Does anybody else have similar issues?
Post # 3
I don’t have an ex-wife but I can tell you for sure that you need not give her any more attention than necessary. You do not need to do extras like giving her presents, a card, wishing her a birthday, etc. A smile and wave is all you basically need to give. (It is also free and you will be the better person for having done it even if she does not respond to it.)
Fortunately the kid is 15 and just a few more years and they will be an adult with their own life and problems. They won’t really care if you give their mom the time of day or not. They’ll be only concerned with their own lives for the most part.
Just be nice to the child because them you have to see often and have some kind of decent relationship with. The kid is also directly related to your hubby. The ex should have a big red proverbial ‘X’ on her as far as you are concerned. Frankly I am not sure why you have to go pick up the kid? Can’t your hubby do that alone?
Post # 4
Thanks. I know you’re right in that I shouldn’t go to so much effort.
I’m fortunate that the kid and I do get on well. My Fiance is working today and is also on standby so doesn’t know when he’ll be able to do it, plus he took me away last week so couldn’t do it then either. I don’t mind doing it, I just wished she’d be a bit more pleasant about it. She doesn’t know either that my Fiance is working tonight as she doesn’t like the kid being with me when Fiance isn’t here as in her warped mind she thinks i’m replacing her.
Post # 5
I tried to be nice to MM ex too, for the sake of the kids. But she isnt nice to him and she ignores me. Once, at a boy scout car wash she smiled at me until she realized who I was. You really cant win, so why try and be unhappy.
I sometimes have to get the kids, luckily they are 17, 19 now so they leave the house on their own. As she is a super helicopter mother (one of thr reasons the marriage broke up) she calls at least 2x and more whenever they are with us.
Take a deep breath and release it to the universe. She will never like you, she may never even be cordial to you. It has nothing to do with who you are. She doesnt even know you. She just knows you have HIM and she doesnt. Even is she didnt want him, she certainly doesnt want anyone else to want him and make him happy.
Post # 6
@CatyLady: honey, be grateful your biggest beef with her is over not getting holiday and birthday cards! There are a lot of straight psycho exes out there, you’re actually one of the lucky ones. No one says you have to be friends with this woman, or that she needs to be friends with you. Civility is all you can really expect and you seem to be getting it.
Post # 7
I have a very varied history with DH’s son’s mother. She swings back and forth from being a really truly horrible person that I have sworn to never see again, to being very pleasant and thoughtful. It’s truly terrifying. Thankfully despite it all, she’s a good moom and that’s all you can ask for. At the end of the day I don’t want to see my stepson suffering you know? All you can do is try to be the bigger person, smile, be as nice as you can be. I minimize contact as much as I can. Just try to keep your stepchild out of it, or not let him/her know that there are bad feelings. I realize that’s hard and you have no control over what she says when you or you Fiance aren’t there, but you have to set a good example when you can right? Just keep chugging along. It’s not easy. I know.
Post # 8
Ex wives are part of the package when you fall for a man with kids.
A precious few are reasonable & put the kids’ best interests first. Be prepared–she will be in your life for years to come & there is next to nothing you will be able to do about it unless she is one of the few who is open to acting like a grown up.
She is really your FI’s problem & he is the one who should be setting limits on her.
Post # 9
My DH’s ex-wife and I got along famously. Friends of ours actually commented that it was strange at times. They have a 3 year old son together and obviously Darling Husband and I got together shortly after they had a child and split. The split however was mutual and therfore, their interactions were really good and so I just followed suit. On their son’s 2nd birthday we even all went out to dinner to celebrate it. Her and I exchanged b-day cards and xmas gifts. Well right after his 2nd birthday Darling Husband proposed. A friend of ours who has been married and divorced twice cautioned and stated, “you just wait to see what happens when she finds out”
We weren’t hiding the engagement from her, but had decided that she should be told in a face to face convo. Her sister actually came to pick up their son from our house and saw a bridal magazine on our kitchen table. We had only been engaged for 3 days or so and my mother had given it to me. About an hour later Darling Husband got a text asking if we were getting married he called her and she seemed happy for us. She sent me an email saying that she was so happy that I would continue to be in her sons life for a long time, but then wrote: “You have the “Insert DH’s Name” that I always wanted. He’s so different with you. I guess you were what he needed” I thought the statement was nice, but it was a little strange.
After that all hell broke loose. The 10 months of our engagement leading up to our wedding were nothing less but hell when it came to her. She started using their son against him.Punishing Darling Husband for his previous behaivor with her. Sounds silly, but she defriended us on facebook and most of our mutual friends as well. One of our friends told us that she was making negative statements on FB about us. In one she put that she wished Darling Husband was a dead-beat dad because she was sick of hearing his opinion on how to raise their son. The worst of the worst was when we brought him home 1 hour late she told Darling Husband she would call the cops on him the next time. We couldn’t believe it. Their visitation scheudle is 50/50 and has always been very casual based on what each of their schedules needed. That all changed.
Now they are in and out of court. (5 times in the last 3 months) battling over everything. They used to just make agreements and stick to them but now everything has to be in writing to protect Darling Husband otherwise she with holds their son. At times I feel guilty because I feel like it’s my fault, but I have realized that she is hurt that he didn’t stay with her and their are some jealousy issues there. It just sucks.
Sorry for me telling my story, but you aren’t alone, and unfortunatley it may get worse.
Post # 10
I’m seriously shocked that you’re on good enough terms for your FI’s ex to say Happy Birthday and buy you a card! My man’s ex would rather spit in my face than even crack a smile or attempt a wave. If her forgetting your birthday is the biggest issue between the two of you I think you should just take a breath or two and put things into perspective. Do you really want to be friends with her anyway? Don’t give her any extra kindness if she doesn’t give it back, you’ll just be wasting your energy. In the mean time don’t let these petty things get to you. It’s not worth it and in the end you’ll find your happiness with the relationship you build with your man and his child, not her.
Post # 11
Well my fiance doesn’t have an ex-wife or any babies besides ours, but as a woman with a child by a man I am no longer with I can give my point of view. Sometimes the ex just doesn’t want to like you. Even if she has no desire to be with your SO and only deals with him because of their child, its hard to see the father of your child have a relationship with someone else. I think its awesome that you are trying to make an effort with her, but she will have to come around in her own time (I know its been 5 years!) and she may never come around. I would just do my best to build a relationship with your step son and to be as cordial as possible with her. I definitely wouldn’t expect much or go out of my way for her if she is not reciporicating. On another note, this is completely unsolicited but the way that you refer to your stepson as “the kid,” seems very cold and impersonal to me. I am not sure what your relationship is with him, but as a mother I would be offended if that’s how my child’s new stepmother referred to my child. Maybe she senses a lack of 100% acceptance of her child from you. Please don’t take that personally, but it bothered me when I read your post. I hope she comes around!
Post # 12
@retreadbride: It has nothing to do with who you are. She doesnt even know you. She just knows you have HIM and she doesnt. Even is she didnt want him, she certainly doesnt want anyone else to want him and make him happy.
This is true sometimes for unmarried relationships too where the ex-gf cannot fathom the thought of her ex-bf being even remotely happy with anybody else! I would presume this feeling is only intensified when there’s seriousness being seen which comes with engagement/marriage.
Post # 13
I can give a prespective on actually being the Ex-wife. My exhusband married his mistress. Yeah you read that right…the woman he snuck around with was/is in our daughter’s life forever. In the beginning I refused to be anywhere near her. I wouldn’t let him come get our daughter if “she” was going to be in the car with him. It was shear craziness. I know now it was absurd. However, at that time and for quite awhile after that, I was just plan jealous. I was upset that she was getting the man that I thought I married. It wasn’t right and I do think how you are now being treated is terrible. But, I didn’t realize how wrong my behavior was until probably a couple years later. It made me physically ill to think of my child being with her. It really does hurt that bad. Sometimes the split can seem mutual and it can seem like everyone was on the same page with ending that relationship but it’s also just as possible that she will hold some resentment towards the “new” woman.
I can say that 5yrs after our divorce she and I get a long really well and I consider her a really good friend of mine. but, that took YEARS to get to. And, I believe that I let go of a lot of anger once I bettered myself and ended up in a wonderful relationship also.
Hang in there! It can get better!
Post # 14
It’s not only jealousy over the ex husband–many women are deeply threatened by a strange woman taking care of her children. In a way, it’s understandable up to a point. Once she realizes that the new gf is healthy & sane, you would think the ex would settle down, but it rarely works that way.
Ex wives are a fact of life if you marry a man with kids & she will be around for a long time to come. And kids are expensive, well beyond child support. Their toys get more expensive with time. Are you going to be ok with big chunks of your husband’s income going to help pay for their stuff, including cars, college, clothes, etc?
I wish more couples would seek counseling for this before they get married. Too many women have fantasies about instant families & it seldom works that way. Kids are a huge financial burden, whether you adore them or not.
And their mother will always be in the picture, crazy or not.
There isn’t much the new wife is going to be able to do to win over the ex.
I really think family counseling prior to the marriage is essential.
Post # 15
Thanks bees! You’ve made me feel better and not so alone – honestly. I think I just need to get on with it or as bakerella said ‘keep chugging along’.
@morgobride: Hi, no it’s not like that at all, i’m sorry I was trying to honestly keep my post short and their child seemed to impersonal to me. I didn’t know how to refer to him easily whilst also keeping the meaning clear, I didn’t want to use he or him incase it got confused with Fiance. Sorry that it bothered you as I feared it may come across like that.
Post # 16
@CatyLady: No need to apologize and I understand exactly where you are coming from! I just wasn’t sure if your relationship with your stepson had anything to do with her actions. Hopefully she will see that you are good woman and at least deserve more respect and kindness 🙂