Post # 1
Mr. Burko and I have been financially independant for a long time now – we both have full-time careers, have our own cars, bought a home together and have set up our budget for our wedding that we think we can manage with no debt afterward.
We are only early stages (still 18 months away from wedding) and we suspect our parents will offer funds. Mr. Burko’s parents offered money to his brother when he got married and they happily took those funds; my dad made a comment when I met my partner about starting to save for a wedding and my mum, I’m sure, would LIKE to give money but may not be able (another story for another day).
However, we will actually be declining any financial help and be, hopefully, gracefully saying “thanks but no thanks”. We want our wedding to be completely ours; finacially, creatively, the works. We will then say to them that we will be having a wishing well and they are more than happy to contribute to that instead.
Anyone else doing this?
If so, how’d it go with the parents? Did they get offended? Did you get their “gift” in the wishing well?
Or if you did take money, do you regret it now?
Post # 3
@Thrburko89: We aren’t getting any help from either of our parents. They took it fine and aren’t offended at all.
Post # 4
@Thrburko89: it really depends on your parents. Some parents would want to host the event. Others would be thrilled that you are taking care of it yourself! Only you know your parents.
Post # 5
We are eloping to City Hall. We can afford it ourselves. Our parents have no reason to offer any financial support. The vows matter to us, not the party and the gifts. At this point, nobody knows we’re eloping except for us because we do not want the fuss.
Post # 6
My parents insisted on helping out financially for the wedding. I had already been saving since I new we would be getting engaged soon and I am on track to cover the cost of the wedding and anything FI will contribute will be “extras” (booze, honeymoon, paying for BM/GM expenses). I tried to say no to my parents but they are very insistent on giving me a good chunk of change for the wedding. It is important for me to be finacially independent and it is my opinion (not trying to offend anyone out there) that you aren’t at a point in your life that you should be getting married until you can independently support yourself. We ended up compromising. I will accept the money but I can use it for grad school (I am taking classes part time while working in my field full time). I will still mention them in the program and whatnot but the money is going to better use than the wedding which is already payed for and this way it satisfies their need to help out.
Post # 7
We’re doing a small, civil ceremony followed by dinner for 20, cake, and a honeymoon. We’ll pay for all of it ourselves and will have the funds set aside for the honeymoon, but our parents already know that if they want to make a contribution/give a wedding gift, we’d like it towards our trip. They know this because they asked a couple of years ago what our plans would be should we finally get engaged and marry and what kind of help we would want. I imagine we’ll get a few hundred dollars from them as our present. We wouldn’t accept thousands, and no one has that kind of money, anyway.
Post # 8
My grandmother is gifting us a sum of money – however we don’t know how much, or when she’ll give it to us. We’ve always been very close, and she’s asked that we don’t mention it to other relatives, because she doesn’t want it to be a big deal, she just wants to help us out, which is great.
My mother however, offered us money, and I turned her down, because she’s very much the type of person who would have wanted control on what that money was used for e.g. I gave you money, and you’ve used it on a photographer that I don’t like / I didn’t want you to use it on the cake, I wanted you to put it towards a dress etc. etc.
My FMIL is offering to pay for our honeymoon. We’ve technically refused her, and explained that we want to spend a lot on the honeymoon (maldives, all inc.) and we don’t want to her to spend £4k. ($6568 for the lovely US bees). I have a feeling though, because she’s very generous that she will eventually give us the money in some shape or form.
I flat out told my father that he is not pay for a thing, as he definitely cannot afford it, but he wants to throw us a party (we’re eloping/intimate DW) so I’ve okayed that as long as its kept cheap.
I love my family, and I’ve really appreciated them not pressing me too much to take money, because they know that we like to be quite self-sufficient. I think a ‘gift of money’ is usually better than ‘funding’.
Post # 9
@Thrburko89: my mom generously offered to pay for our photographer, but I’ve recently learned that she’s having some money issues. FI and I are going to decline her offer. FI’s parents offered a lump sum, but we want to try and avoid taking it. They’ve made some guest list suggestions that I would like to ignore lol. They have also insisted on hosting the rehearsal dinner, but I don’t know if they think that gives them say over the guest list. I’d rather we have pizza and beer and call it a day lol.
Post # 10
FI and I are paying for everything ourselves. We’re doing well financially and both of us feel that our parents have given us so much already that they owe us nothing. His dad is fairly well off but my parents aren’t so I definitely don’t want to cause them financial pressure.
Everyones been fairly ok with this arrangement so far. We’re actually having two weddings as we’re an interracial couple (one in Ireland and one in India) and his dad is arranging most of the Indian wedding so we might run into problems when we come to pay him back. As for my parents, they want to pay for something as a wedding present, probably the cake. I don’t want them to have to spend money on the wedding, but I might give in on this to keep them happy and to stop them giving me anything more expensive. Also they’ll be flying to India for the second wedding. I’d like to pay their airfare but they’ve already told me that they want to pay themselves and I think I’d offend them if I pushed it.
Post # 11
I anticipate that both my FMIL & my mom will want to pay for our individual gowns. Other than that, we won’t accept any help. Both our sets of parents would be hurt if we turned it down more than twice and we plan on getting cheaper dresses so it should work out okay
Post # 12
@Thrburko89: I’ve pretty much told my parents that FH and I will be paying for our wedding and that we just want them to be present. It’s a DW so it’s just the travel fees that they will have to pay for, but we did give 2 years notice.
We’re doing it this way because they keep suggesting that we have a local wedding so we can “invite everyone”, but even in that case they have not hinted that they would be paying for THAT, and besides, that’s not the wedding we want. I have always wanted to get married at sunset on the west side of Maui, and that’s what we’re doing, so we’ve decided that in order to deter all of the “suggestions” from our parents, we will be funding it completely.
Post # 13
In general, we started out wanting to pay 100%. We’re still paying the majority, but my parents were very hurt that we initially would not let them contribute. After a lot of trying to convince my parents that they shouldn’t take it personally, we agreed that they could pay for the food at the reception (they will not be paying for the drinks). Initially it made us uncomfortable as we are adults and I don’t like the idea of others paying in any way for our party, but now we appreciate it as it allowed us to upgrade our photography budget, have a little breathing room, and the food costs aren’t that great anyway.
Post # 14
My parents are paying for 100% on the wedding besides the rings and honeymoon, but that’s the norm. Around me everyone is married by 23 and their parents pay for the entire wedding. It would come off as very offensive and rude if I did not accept my parent’s money and we also could not have a wedding without their help. I get the reasoning for not wanting their help, but it would be totally out of the norm for my area. I definitely do not regret taking the money (~20K) but I think I would feel much worse if I turned them down. It’s a different situation than yours though.
Post # 15
We told our parents that we wanted to pay for the wedding ourselves, mostly because we don’t want to financially burden them (but also because we want complete control of the guest list). My mom still insisted on giving us an amount of money. I feel like she had a wedding fund set up, but she said it was up to us to how we wanted to use it — we’re setting it aside for a down payment on our future home.
Post # 16
Our situation was a little different – we were planning on paying for everything and knew my parents couldn’t afford to help out. Then my parents came in to some money due to an inheritence and offered to pay for what will be about half of our wedding. I declined at first, but my parents said they’d give us the money no matter what – my mom even said “You can call off the wedding and move to India and we’d still give it to you”, ha! So…we took it. And honestly, it makes my parents so happy and proud – they always thought they couldn’t help with the wedding so now that they can they’re just really proud of the fact. I’m happy to let them feel that. My parents are also not crazy/overbearing. The only stipulation they asked was that they got to invite a friend of theirs. One extra person? My pleasure!