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right now FI and I are on the fence... i feel like we could go either way.
I was always the type that thought i'd never have kids... in college when my friends/roomates would always talk about having kids and i was "the girl" that was like "hells no". I didn't grow up with young kids around me (no cousins or anything) so i'm terribly uncomfortable around babies and kids and i just don't consider myself the maternal type. FI is horribly unpatient and jokes that he couldn't have the patience for a crying baby or a bratty 7 yr old.
BUT FI grew up with babies and small children around him (he has tons of aunts/ uncles with children) and he is VERY comfortable.. seems natural to him. and people i talk to are always surprised that i'm unsure of kids because they think i'm very loving and would make a great mom..hmm funny.
i know i can't say we are 100% sure we DON'T want kids but i can't say 100% the opposite either. We both just "don't know".. its not really a decision you can back out on either so i feel like you should *know* one way or the other.
we are 27.. i guess we still have alot of time to figure it out. who knows. 
My husband and I don't have desires for kids right now. I'm honestly terrified of them and the thought of having to clean up someone's throwup, poop, and messes around the house grosses me out. Occassionally, I have little fantasies about wouldn't it be nice to have a baby but the reality of it really doesn't appeal to me right now.
I was one of the "Do not want kids" people... For sure... Then I met Mr. DG and things changed. Several of my friends stuck to their guns and are not planning for children (and are actively avoiding it with permanent birth control solutions). I don't know why I changed... maybe it was being a pediatrician and interacting with kids all day. A part of me wanted to be stubborn and continue down the childless path, but I had to acknowledge that this was something I wanted in my life.
I'm sure my mom is thrilled!
We're on the fence, too. Sometimes I think about how freakin' amazing it is that two people can create life, and then they raise that kid with all the knowledge they have and greatly influence them. The greater picture, I guess is what I'm referring to.
But then I think about how hard it can be. Money issues (they're so expensive! Especially college ... ), needing a bigger house, catering to their every need, not having a life of your own, etc. That stuff worries me. Being a mom who's only identity is being a mom is probably one of my greatest fears. My husband keeps telling me, "We won't be child-obsessed parents" but I dunno, I feel like it can't be helped :)
So, we've onviously talked about it a ton, and we've decided that each other is more than enough for a lifetime, and if we change our minds, we'll go for it, but that we'll definitely be older parents (mid to late 30s or possibly 40s). We absolutely love our free lifestyle right now with only the dog and cats depending on us, and I have no desire right now to give that up for hectic mornings. But, like I said, we're open to it, but neither of us will be upset if we never want to make it happen.
@Mrs DG - I think it's great that you've decided it's something you want in your life - no reason to deny yourself out of principle, you know? I mean what principle would that be anyway? 
And yeah I bet mom is happy.
@MissAsB - I feel very similar. Although we do have 2 cats which forces me to deal with poop and puke way more than anyone should have to.
@krissy - I'm sure if you changed your mind, you'd be a great mom. But i totally get what you're saying. And you do have plenty of time - my mom had me when she was 30, my sister when she was 35.
My fiance and I are 100% sure we don't want kids...and families, friends, and even co-workers are relentless about trying to convince us that we do want kids! We love other people's kids, and we are going to be an amazing aunt and uncle when my brother has kids, but we just don't want the responsibility. We like our carefree lifestyle. Everyone tells us we are going to change our minds, but I am 31 and he is 34 and I think we would know by now if we wanted children!
The same way other people say they've known they've wanted kids since they were very young... that's how I've felt about not having kids. As long as I can remember, I've been pretty secure in knowing I don't want them... My partner initially didn't want them, but has started to get a little bit of baby fever as we've gotten more domestic and he edges in on thirty. I've talked to him seriously, though, and he admits there is no way he'd be the tyoe of partner I'd want or need - he's not even willing to go in for 50% of the responsibility. At least he's honest enough to come to grips with that, and decide what's really more important.
People tell me I'll change my mind and I'm 27 so there is still time for that, but I doubt it. It's not that I don't think I could handle the responsibility or that I'm scared. I'm perfectly aware of the challenges and could deal with them if I wanted to... I just don't want to... maybe this is really harsh, but I just don't see what the upside is.
Right now we are in the NO camp, and very happy with that. We just got our contract accepted on our house (less than an hour ago) and so now we're going to be broke for the next 30 years lol. I love it being just me, him, our dog, cat, and fish. we will revisit that when I'm 30 and see if we still feel the same way. My boss and her husband don't have any kids and they go on vacation like 5 times a year, at this point that's what we want too
We aren't planning on having kids either - I have been on both sides of the fence but now I am on the no thanks - I am like you SweetAdelineXO we would rather travel and enjoy each other. I am heading into my mid thirties and I also think time is a factor - I don't want to have a kid going to university around the same time I would be retiring. I know it might sound selfish but I think it is smarter to be honest with yourself rather than have a kid just to have a kid and resent the child later. My FMIL would love for us to have kids - we are her only chance for grandkids and every month I think she is wishing I get knocked up but it just isn't what we want - we did give her a fur grandbaby which I told her from the start is all she is getting.
I am getting sick of people asking us when we are having babies (we aren't even married yet) and feeling like I have to explain my reasoning and when I bring the up the age thing they say well my sisters friends aunt just had a baby at 42 - and I saw good for her - that is obviously something she wanted ... I don't *phew little vent there sorry*
interesting topic...I was waiting for it, but was too chicken to bring it up:))
Well, no kids for us either. I'm going to be an aunt soon and that is just perfect for me. I'm almost 32 and my husband just turned 34 and we've been together for over 10 years and got married last July. We've never considered kids part of our life. And the resons are not because kids are messy or noisy or take away from your independence...no, our reasons are different...there's things we completely dislike about the type of society we've built (with minor exceptions, of course). Having a kid would mean I become dependent on a society I don't agree with - so, I refuse to do it. There's too much greed and selfishness all around and too much harm is inflected on the planet to support us. It's a very personal decision, with pros and cons both ways. What's important is that both of us think along the same lines and are increasigly content with our decision.
It's looking like we will not our own kids but we may adopt. If that doesn't happen I honestly would be okay with not having them too.
@Pammyd + @Entangled - I think it's really interesting that you both mention feeling selfish, or that it's "harsh" to say out loud that you don't want to take on all that responsibility. I've felt that way too at times, but I wonder if it's valid. Is it selfish for me to want to enjoy my time and my life on my terms? It *would* be selfish to behave this way if I did have children, but I don't, so who am I being selfish towards? An interesting thought.
@mandM I see your point there and I agree. I've also had a bit of that "What kind of a society am I bringing this child into?" feeling. But I get the idea that every generation feels that way to some extent. It's a great point though.
i'm glad to see some people respond here! I feel like my husband and I are very much on the fence, though we both say "someday". but i'll admit, both of us sound like we're just going through the motions when we say it. Does that make sense? Kind of like what we'd say if someone asks if we want to go to Russia. Sure, that sounds interesting someday.. but i'd rather go to Mexico, all islands of the caribbean, england, france, italy, greece, egypt, morocco, colombia, peru, etc before Russia. I wouldn't be sad if I didn't get to Russia at this point.
Even now that we're married! i might get the spark... occasionally. We'll have to see in a few years when I'm older. Or if i get sick of birth control and accidentally get knocked up, whichever comes first.
Oh, I agree that it's not a bad kind of selfish to not have kids. Maybe it's self-centered to say "hey, no kids, more time and money for me and my partner" but it's not bad to live your life in the way you want when no one is harmed by it. What I thought might be harsh is my saying "wait, what's the good part?"
Actually, the having/not having is selfish argument annoys me. Either neither decision is selfish or both are. Not making the decision that you want (i.e. making it because other people pressure you one way or the other) is what's really unhealthy and likely to lead to a bad situation.
@SweetAdeline - on the "selfish" thing - I think there is pressure to settle down and have a family, which is maybe why some of us feel like we're being "selfish" to settle down and not have kids...
My partner and I are in the no kids camp right now. I know if I change my mind, he will support that decision and be a wonderful dad, but right now, neither of us can imagine that responsibility for a child. I love other people's kids, but I love my nieces and nephews, but my very own baby? I/we don't want that... not right now, but maybe later. Maybe. :)
@SweetAdelineXO - yeah that is a valid point - I think it is because of the reaction I get when I say we aren't having kids - their reactions and comments lend to that feeling. I guess we all need to embrace our decisions for what they are and not let outside factors make us feel any different.
@Pammyd, @jduck84, + @Entangled - Really well put ladies - that sheds a lot of light on the topic. It's hard when you feel so pressured and this is a decision that goes against one of societies biggest norms. A lot of my family just doesn't understand and they make me feel really guilty for not wanting kids. Like I'm some kind of freak. I like kids - I spent years babysitting, nannying, working at camps - and kids love me too. But my favorite part was getting to give them back at the end of the day.
I'd rather make this decision that cave to the pressure and realize it's not what I wanted. How awful would that be? Maybe it's harsh to say "where's the good part" @Entangled, but if you really don't see it I think it's a plenty good reason not to do it.
No kids here, thanks. FI and I have talked about it extensively and, while we agree that it's possible that our minds could change, neither of us is hugely invested or interested in the idea of kids. We'd much rather play the involved aunt and uncle to the kids our siblings are certain to have.
We're very fortunate in that both of our parents very much understand this choice and are supportive.
I guess for me, the threat that I might not be able to have kids coupled with the fact that FI and I are so comfortable with each other right now and have so much we want to do together that...well, I guess we'll re-evaluate in 10 years. :) For now and for the next few years, it's a no.
I have a daughter- so I'm too late for this group! But I thought I'd tell you about my parents situation, which I have always thought was an interesting one. In the 70's they were part of the zero population growth movement which was all about couples having either no children or only 1 or 2- so as to only produce children to replace the parents. Basically not producing tons of kids to put a further strain on the Earth and its resources. It was for environmental and ecological reasons - my parents were pretty earthy-crunchy! Anyway, they of course did end up having ONE child- me- but they had seriously considered not having any at all. But it was an important choice for them- and by having one they still suceeded in their goal. Anyway, I guess I just wanted to share this with you guys to demonstrate another reason why people might not choose to have children. In general, people are WAY to involved in other couples reproductive business, and random co-workers and nosey family members should keep their opinions to themselves!
My husband and I both turn 39 this year and are also "on the fence" but we really don't have too much time to be on that fence.
We are taking precautions as of right now. We'll see what the very near future brings.
Interesting thread.
@eeniebeans I guess I'm earthy-crunchy too then, because for my entire adult life before meeting FI I was opposed to producing children because of the impacts of overpopulation on the earth. I'm in the environmental field and the elephant in the room whenever we discuss any of the million problems facing our management of global resources is the massive overpopulation that is going to derail most of our efforts to sustainably plan for the future. It's not something that can be discussed, though, as any possible solution to the overpopulation problem is unthinkable. I just didn't want to bring another polluting human into the world. I have also just never liked kids, and I figured that if I ever got the itch to have one then there were plenty in need of a loving adoptive home.
Maybe five months into our relationship, when we were getting really serious about the prospect of getting married one day, we started having these talks. As passionate as I was about my intent to remain childless, it quickly became apparent to me that it was about a million trillion times more important to FI to have children than it was to me to not. I put a lot of thought and prayer into it and eventually turned around on the idea. I still don't like kids, but I figure it's likely that I'll love mine, right? That's supposed to be a normal thing, so I figure it'll happen. Mostly I'm thrilled by the idea of raising children with FI as something to do together with the rest of our lives, and I have to admit that old age sounds a lot more fun with young people around to share the holidays with.
Interesting topic...it's very well known that there are tons of tradeoffs you have to make when you decide to have kids. but I feel like people don't really consider all the tradeoffs to be made when you decide NOT to have kids.
I feel like a lot of people say they don't want children because they want to keep traveling, they like their lifestyle, etc. so why would they want anything different? That's fine when you and all your girlfriends are young and newly married...But the chances are that a lot of your friends will eventually have kids and after awhile, you simply will not relate as much to those who don't share the same priorities. I'm not saying people should want kids just because all their friends are doing the same...But I think you just have to acknowledge that there will likely be a huge shift in your current social circle and network of friends as you get older.
(fyi -- i don't have kids...yet. but i'm 30 so at the age where so many gfs are having babies while I'm still figuring out this situation myself!)
I had a child when I was 16 years old. She is turning 18 next month, and I do not want to start over! My FI and I talked looooooooong and hard before we decided to get married, because I want to make sure he never regrets his decision to marry me and have no babies.
He said he would rather have no children with me, than to have them with anyone else.
@absolutbee - I see your point and I do expect that people's priorities will change, as they have naturally changed as we got older, moved to different places, got different jobs, etc. For some people that meant distancing themselves from the group. For others, not so much.I think that's a natural part of growing up and how different people handle new responsibilities.
That said, I *really* don't think having kids to keep your place in your social group makes sense. My mom had friends with no kids when I was growing up - they were awesome aunts. I just don't think that's a valid reason for doing it. I'd be more concerned that moving away would distance us than them having kids and us not doing it.
We're not having kids. I've always known I didn't want them, and I had Essure (non-surgical sterilization) at age 26. I met my fiance about six months after I had the procedure, and I told him on our second date that if he wanted kids that I wasn't the one for him. He kind of paused for about 10 seconds and then said he's totally okay with that. It turns out that he just always assumed he would fall for someone that wanted kids, even though he wasn't crazy about the idea himself. So we're completely on the same page and completely thrilled that we never have to worry about any accidents...
@walkunafraid - I'm intrigued, do you still get your period after that procedure? And did you have to search for a doctor who would actually do it for you at a younger age?
eeniebeans- that was a huge consideration for us as well, which is why our second child will be adopted.
We both have kids from a prior marriage. We're still quite able to have them, but aren't sure what we want to do.
I've got a son 11, he's got a son 12, and a precious daughter who is almost 5~
They're also old enough to take on vacations, and for us to have a little time alone and go on our own vacations and let them have one with the grandparents watching them.
Every once in a while the baby thing does get to me though. I love babies! It just is also fun being able to have a bit of freedom though.
My fiance and I are not planning on having kids either. I feel like there are some people who are called to be parents, and others who are called to do other things - such as be a cool aunt or work with kids or just avoid kids all together lol :-)
Elizabeth Gilbert's new book Committed has a great section about women and men who are childless by choice, and all the wonderful things they accompolish and good they do in the world - such as the cool aunt to the kids of friends and family and other things.
I think many people see childless by choice as selfish. Maybe. Maybe not. I see much more quality time with my husband. We are getting married because we love one another and love to be with one another - not to start a family. I also see many more opportunities to travel the world, go on adventures, explore, sleep late, relax, be spontaneous, enjoy hobbies, learn new skills, do things we enjoy, volunteer our time, and devote our time to our careers that require a lot of freelancing and crazy hours. I also see more money to devote to a nice home, our hobbies, vacations, medical care and retirement.
If an "oops" happens, it happens. It wouldn't be the end of the world - just a new adventure. But we are happy to be childless by choice.
@rawrkitty, I think you really put that really well. I especially like the part about sleeping late. :-)
@MrsSl82be : Unfortunately, you do still get your period after Essure. If I would have thought about it more, I would have had an ablation at the same time. But now I just use Nuvaring to keep my periods away for a couple of months at a time.
The first doctor I went to agreed to do it. He was reluctant, but I have a PhD in genetics from the University of Chicago, which is affiliated with the hospital. So basically I think he couldn't make the argument that I didn't know what I was getting myself into. It's been one of the best decisions I've ever made, and I write the doctor an email every year thanking him for doing the procedure. It really puts an end to the annoying "you'll change your mind" comments!
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We hear a lot from people who can't wait to get married and start a family, but what about you girls who aren't planning to have kids? Yes, we all know plans can change, but is anyone else out there who doesn't feel it's for them? How did you know? How did you and your SO decide?
In my case, I have never felt like it was something I wanted. I feel like it's something you just *know* you want, innately. My mom + family keep telling me to "just wait" and "you'll see"... like one day I'll just wake up baby crazy (pardon the term), but I'm already 28 and I just don't see it happening. FI and I talked about it many times, as far back as a few months into the relationship (we've been together 7 years next week). From the start I knew he was the one and didn't want to get too involved if we wanted different things. He does want kids, but says he'd rather have me without kids than have kids without me. (Awww). So we've decided on travel instead of children. Not that the two are necessarily mutually exclusive - they just are for us.