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I commented on the other thread where this was discussed, but to answer your specific question I did not change my gift giving after our wedding. I choose to give or not give and how big depending on our closeness to the B&G. It's never been an automatic: we received an invite so therefore sent our $100 gift. But every invitation we receive is treated with the same courtousy, we at least respond with congratulations and mail back the RSVP card.
@moderndaisy: We do always give the gift based on our closeness to the B&G - the $100 was more of a ballpark. I'd say it ranges from $75-$80 for more general friends up to $125-$130 for our really close friends and family. It isn't just an automatic thing. But even our lowest gifts far exceed what many of our guests thought that their closeness to us dictated (and we didn't invite anyone and everyone to our wedding - it was only our very closest friends and family).
I found that I was more surprised by the generous giving of some guests, than by the seemingly less-generous giving of others... I have not altered my gift giving, except to send the future B&G a gift as soon as possible, so that they can make note of it and write a thank you long before the wedding date approaches. I know I was extremely grateful to the guests that sent us a gift sooner than later!
I haven't been married yet, but the whole process has change the way i treat others' weddings.
We do gifts also based on how close they are to us - usally $250-$350 for my husband and I total.
However, if someone only gave me $150 for my wedding, that is what they are getting back - I don't feel the need to give them more than they give me.
I got married on 8/21 and am still waiting for 10 gifts - yes, because I expect something - I would never show up to a wedding empty handed - We have a wedding coming up for a couple that gave us nothing, not sure how to handle this one, but if they didn't feel they didn't need to give me a gift, I likely won't get them one.
I know you have a year technically to get a gift, so we'll see how that turns out.
We will be giving the same amount to others that they gave us. My mom always made me keep my list of gifts for everything so she knew how much to give her friend's kids for things (bar mitzvah's, graduation, etc). But i could never not give a gift, so even if someone didn't give us something we'll still give.
I agree with pps with regards to the cost of the gift being directly relational to how close you are to the B&G, but I think its equally important to consider the financial status of your guests. Maybe they only got you a $30 gift because that was all they could afford. Times are tough right now, and people might not have $150+ to spend on a wedding gift. Especially if they've already spent money on things like transportation, accommodations, babysitters, something to wear, etc. All of that adds up, and in their mind they might be thinking "Well, since I've already shelled out $100 just to BE there, I really can't afford to give them an expensive gift." Both my family, and SO's family have very little money, and I don't expect much in the way of gifts from them. Nor would I want them to break the bank just to get us some fancy crap, and end up scraping by as a result of it. At the end of the day...its just stuff, and the memories I'll create with these people at the wedding will last much longer and mean far more.
Besides...isn't it more about the honor of their presence, than the cost of the gift they got you?
Amen MissAdventure, I couldn't agree more! I would hate to assume the worst of people, especially if they are in a tight spot. There are so many things to be grateful for, why not let the other worries go and cherish the people that celebrated with you. I know it's easier said than done, but that's what DH and I have tried to do.
I agree with that..if someone can only afford $30, that is fine with me - its more of the gesture that counts and their presence - but because I can afford more, should I be expected to give more? My rule now that I am married is that I will give back what I received..
Mostly, I was surprised by the generosity of some, and stinginess of others'. Like, a not-very-close cousin who I actually accidently forgot to invite and had to call a week before the wedding and explain my gaffe gave us several hundred dollars, but a groomsman's parents (who are quite well off) gave us a $20 chip bowl.
I wouldn't say I've changed anything. I've been to three weddings since my own, and I've all given my standard cash gift, regardless of what they gave me.
Yes, I will usually gift in-line to what we received for our wedding. I think the one thing that's changed now that I'm married is that I'm very good about making sure they get their gift before or very soon after their wedding! I have to admit to procrastinating for months back in the early days when my friends first started getting married and I didn't know any better :oP
Since I've always gifted according to my relationship w/ the B&G, I haven't changed how much I give, but I definitely changed how I write the check out and be sure the gift receipt is attached where it wont get lost.
I didn't have expectations of what we'd receive as gifts, so I was actually surprised by the generosity of many people, including several gifts we received from people who weren't even invited!
I don't give gifts with the caveat that they must respond in kind. Gifts are supposed to be gifts, not a measure of how much the other person chooses to spend on you. I enjoy giving gifts to other people, and I enjoy spending the time selecting something that I think they will like, in whatever price range I can afford. Past gifts that person has given me have no bearing on how much I spend on them...
I think if you're so upset about the amount of gift someone gives you that it forces you to rethink your own gift-giving, I just wouldn't give them a gift. Gifts are supposed to be measures of generosity, not scorekeeping.
I think we will be changing how we do things. Some people got us WAY more than we expected while others who we are close to or who are well off got us absolutely nothing - not even a card! I think my husband is more upset about all of this than me! He just cant believe that people came to a wedding without bringing a gift and I had to go over all the etiquette with him! We will give for future weddings based on what people have given to us. My MOH got me a non-returnable gift that is not our style at all and we have no use for it. So I will be returning that favor to her down the line whenever she gets married!
Etiquette should be a code of conduct that you yourself behave and live by; it should not be affected by the actions of others.
I give according to a) what I can afford and b) how close I am to the bride and groom. For me, this is anywhere between $50-$150. It has nothing to do with what the value of past gifts given to me--I am a different person living under circumstances unique to my friends. We all have different finances, plus we all live in different places: a wedding in Chicago might cost my Chi-town friends $200 in gifts; it'll cost me $300 in travel costs before I even buy a gift. Gift-giving is not a barter system for these reasons.
Another way to think of it is this: if you gave a friend a $200 wedding present, would you really want her to feel obligated to do the same for you? That kind of expectation is poor etiquette.
I find this thought interesting, because it's totally something I would do. I know some of my married friends that are struggling probably won't spend as much as I did, but that's fine. When they got married, I was single with few bills to pay because I still lived at home - I understand that.
But an example of a different kind of scenario: FI has a friend - who is one of the groomsmen - who just told him all about this bachelor party he went to in New Orleans, where he blew $2500 (in a single weekend) on strippers and booze, basically. When FI told me this story, he goes, "You know, he's going to come to our wedding and be like, 'Hey congratulations! Here's 50 bucks!', and it's like, 'Gee thanks. Glad you can blow $2500 on stupid crap and only give $50 to people you care about."
SO, if I was faced with a situation like that, I would definitely reconsider what I'd spend on them. (I guess FI's friend can consider himself lucky he's already married, huh? lol)
I would meet somewhere in the middle. We had some friends who only gave us $10-35 dollars in gift cards or cash and I am hoping to give them a little more for their weddings. I don't want to seem too cheap but also I don't want want to splurge because I feel I have to.
I think gift-giving depends on what the giver can afford. It has nothing to do with giving as much as you receive. If a friend of mine is struggling to make ends meet and can't afford a gift that means that if I have a good job I'd rather help her out by giving a nice gift at her wedding. I think minimally you send a card, regardless of whether you go to the wedding, and ideally you send a gift. And I don't set my etiquette toward someone else on the basis of their etiquette standards.
@Rgeddy: Exactly - I'm not planning to match dollar for dollar what people gave us. But if someone only got us a $30 gift, we may just spend $50 on them instead of our normal $100.
@rachelss: I'm not talking about people who are struggling or who have financial difficulties. I'm talking about people who make as much or more than DH and I (who are both blessed with well-paying jobs). These people don't have kids, morgages, etc and blow money almost every weekend on dinners out and trips to the movies. They go to bachelor parties in Vegas and gamble with thousands of dollars. When you get a gift from someone that costs less than what they spend to go to the movies every Friday night it makes you think "Gee thanks, I can really tell you care about DH and I."
@FutureMrsSpinewiz: Exactly!
I'll unabashedly be changing our gift-giving moving forward. I have always given a minimun of $100 whether I went alone, with a date or not at all. I gave more for closer friends/family. I did it when I made less than $30k living in NYC right out of college while sharing a shoebox apartment with 2 roommates eating ramen noodle because I always felt that's just "what you do" for a monumentous occasion like a wedding.
I was stunned by the gift-giving from our wedding. I had several cousins I grew up seeing almost daily not even give us a card, my bff's parents (who own 4 homes and 4 cars between the 2 of them - and who I've known since I was 12) give us a $40 gift for the wedding and nothing for my shower (though she did come). A close friend for who's wedding I rented a car and tooks great pains to attend, gave a gift for, gave mutiple gifts for the recent birth of her 1st child, who ekpt telling me of course they were coming to our wedding...then didn't. No gift, no card. She sent a text the day-of saying congrats and wants to get together all the time now. I could go on.
Instead of calling them "cheap" or thoughtless I prefer to consider myself the wrong one; I'LL be the one doing things differently in the future. On the otherhand, we did indeed have those that surprised us in the opposite way, and that's something we'll keep in mind as well.
If someone gave us a $30 gift for a couple and then later got married... I would definitely let that affect how much I gave them. But not because I'm mad they only gave us $30, but because I don't want to look like a show-off or like I'm one-upping them. If I gave someone $50 for their wedding and then 3 months later they gave me $200, I'd feel kind of crappy about myself. Obviously other factors come into play like if they had to travel, stay in a hotel, etc etc. But just in general I'd do something similar to what they did for me because I feel like they have set a standard for what they deem appropriate and I wouldn't want to embarrass them by giving them something 4x as expensive.
Most of our guest gave a monetary gift or a gift. Some are very generous and a few of them are little. I made a note of how everyone gifted and when their wedding comes around me and hubby make sure we gift them at or above what they had given us.
For 2 of out of 4 rsvp of no's, I did get a gift, which I totally not expected.
So far for the invite I received, I have made it to their wedding (which gaurantees a gift). For the one I have send in No, it's from a HS friend that I hadn't talk to for past 8 yrs.. still gifted $30 bucks.. so for no rsvp, it depends on how well I know this person.
I have not changed what I give but I have changed when. I always give a registry gift ranging from $60-$200 depending on a variety of factors. But i used to order the gift the week or even the day of the wedding. Now I send it as soon as I receive the invite. Where I live no one brings it to the actual wedding, they send it to the brides parents house before.
I've never NOT given a gift whether it be from the registry or monetary....
With that being said, I've never spent more than $50 on a gift for a wedding, no matter how close I am to the person. If the person has things on their registry that I can't afford, I will find other ways to get the exact same thing from the registry (amazon, ebay, etc.,), go off of the registry and get something similar, or give a monetary gift.
I don't expect people to spend alot of money on me for a gift but will gladly appreciate if it happens.
@twalila: Wow!! I can't believe those guests who did that to you. We also had some disappointing gifts and efforts made from people who were supposed to be close to us. And the opposite where people absolutely shocked us with generosity.
I normally give $100 per person, so $200 for my SO and I when we attend together. I'm not married though, so I'm not sure if that would change after. I know my SO's brother changed his habits after his wedding after being put in a situation much like yours.
Nope! I still usually give about $50 because that's what my bidget allows.
It's not going to change things in that I will give a gift if invited to a wedding, but it might change how much we spend! I know that etiquette dictates that you don't keep score, but let's be honest, we all do and yes, I might be less inclined to spend a lot of money on someone who didn't get us a gift at all (and there was a lot of that at our wedding).
I'm not married, so i haven't had to change my gift giving strategy yet... but I do think that this thread is interesting. At most weddings, I'm also a guest at a bridal shower and as a single... I think that giving a wedding gift in the fifty dollar range for a friend is fine if you are also adding a shower gift into the mix. As close friend or family member that gift increases based on my closeness to the couple. (I may even be involved in multiple showers or other gift oriented events.) I'm not a person who is making large sums of money, so I know that financially I'm limited in the amount of money I can spend... so I tend to be a smart shopper, and may purchase an item on a sale or coupon event to get a bigger bang for my buck. A couple's gift and or a family gift is probably going to be larger. But I think that also reflects your closeness with the couple. Recently, I attended a shower that was dramatically different than most of the showers I have been to in recent years. Most of the time, I see gifts that are sets of towels, sheets, a kitchen basket of tools and supplies, a laundry basket filled with regular household items, a lovely peinoir set... (I'm sure that you get the picture... the shower gifts are at least in the fifty dollar range and most items are probably even more costly.) But a this shower, the bride got a lot of small gifts... like an ice cream scoop with a tea towel or an apron and a bowl or a set of plastic storage items. It was even more surprising when you knew that the bride and groom are a young couple who are completely starting out... My mom and I couldn't decide if we just ran in a totally different circle and were used to higher end items, or if the other guests just hadn't been to a shower in years..
This is a tricky one for me. Over the years my budget has waxed and waned. A few years ago when I was still in college my FI and I went to a local wedding and bought probably a $15 gift. We just couldn't afford anything more. I look back and see that as so tacky!
And my relationship has changed with a girlfriend of mine. We weren't that close, but she invited me to both the wedding and shower and I gave tiny gifts at both since I was unemployed, and not very close to her at the time. Since then, we are much closer and hang out several times a month. It will be interesting to see what she gets me!
I did just get my first present from my Grandma yesterday, so I'm sure my perspective will continue to change as the wedding comes and goes.
I try to do my best and give what I can, and sometimes it's not a whole lot. Sigh.
I tend to be a very considerate person when it comes to trying to remember that times are tight and people can't always give alot. HOWEVER, times are also tight for me and when i know that I have a wedding to go to, I make sure I put aside money for it. If that means $5 a week until the wedding or not grabbing that starbucks coffee. I expect the same curtousy for myself. The people I feel worse about are the ones that give more than I know they can afford. My aunt who is going to be my personal attendant is like that. She always gives generously(by scrapping by) and so I plan on giving her a really nice gift for being in my wedding.
I think this is a difficult issue to discuss on here since region plays a huge role. Since I notice that your wedding was in Indianapolis (and I'm a Hoosier myself) I think that I can safely assume that many of your guest were from Indiana.
Dallas, TX has a much higher standard of living than Indiana. Here, if someone buys you a $100+ gift, they either REALLY like you, or they're family, in general.
When my brother got married, they really didn't get many big gifts at all. The family members who would have been willing to spend extra money had contributed to the wedding, so they got small gifts and nobody gave much over $100.
I can understand why you feel the way you do about giving a big gift to someone who didn't give at yours, but I think that you have to consider who was doing the giving. If they gave the most they could afford to give, then don't fault them for a $30 gift.
We have 3 weddings next summer not including our own wedding (which we are paying the bulk of), so if we spent $100 at each we would be spending a good sum of money we really won't have. I would be sad if our friends faulted us for only giving smaller gifts just b/c we can't afford more.
I pretty much had the same shocking experience that you did. I had never imagined how few of our "no" RSVPs would fail to send a gift*, or that there would be a decent number of people who came to the wedding who gave no gift. But, I'm taking the opposite path as a result - I learned growing up that the best revenge is to be the better person, so now I make a point to be even more generous than I was before the wedding. (Especially if I happen to be attending the wedding of someone who didn't give a gift at all for our wedding....) Sort of like, "Fine, I'll have enough good manners for both of us!"
*And forget about people, mostly family, who failed to send an RSVP at all, let alone a card or gift... ouch. I hope I get an invitation to their next baby shower, so I can give something insanely nice!
@tinylittlebird: I would never fault someone for giving an inexpensive gift. That's very different from not giving a gift at all.
@moderndaisy: Absolutely the same here - while some people surprised us by not giving a gift, others shocked us by giving insanely generously even though they aren't close to us. Some of our most lavish gifts came from MIL's coworkers who weren't even invited to the wedding, but requested to know where we were registered.
@tinylittlebird: I lived in IN my whole life (birth through aged 22 and I'm just 23 now) and that is where I was taught my gift gifting ettiquette. The only people who attended my wedding from IN were family. The rest were friends from college (DH and I went to college in GA). I know many of these people's incomes and rents and such and know that they aren't in a difficult spot financially. One couple goes out to the movies most every weekend spending ~$25 between them each time (more if they go out to eat too which they often do as well) yet they spent just $20 on our wedding present. I'd never fault someone who was struggling for a smaller present.
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Beekeeper
Hey Bees - I'm curious if any other newlyweds are thinking the same thing as DH and I. We were both raised that if you are invited to a wedding you give a gift, whether you can attend or not and that there is absolutely no way that you attend without a gift. We have always followed this with all of our friends and family who married before us. We have tended to give about a $100 from the two of us as a couple.
After our own wedding, we had only 3 or 4 "No" RSVPs send a gift, had numerous people attend completely empty-handed, and had a large number of gifts in the $25-$30 from friends/couples. We are very happy for the gifts we did receive and we had a wonderful time sharing our special day with everyone.
But - call me crazy - we don't really want to now spend $100 on a gift for a friend who only got us a $30 one. Or to send a present to someone who's wedding we can't attend when they didn't do the same for us. DH and I are really planning to re-assess our gift giving for future weddings.
Any other Bees change their gift giving following their own wedding?