Weddingbee boards

Hi all, this is a thread for those who are childfree by choice (CBC). I thought it might be somewhere we could all come to talk about CF matters/issues, until we (hopefully) get our own board. So, I'll start by introducing myself :-)

I'm 25, been with my OH over 6 years, and we're getting married in 2014. I live just outside London in the UK, and am currently finishing an MA in Contemporary Literature; I'm hoping to go on to do a PhD starting in September (excited!).

I have never wanted children, though I've been through periods where I've THOUGHT I wanted them (mainly after my diagnosis of endo, where I think it was a case of wanting what I might not be able to have). But about 12 months ago I started to really think about it, and feel that actually, I don't want children. I broached the topic with my OH, and while he was surprised at first (like me he'd kind of assumed it was something you 'should' do and not really thought about it), he's now totally on board, and we're both pretty sure children will never be on the cards.

Our reasons for not wanting children are that we don't like children; we both find them annoying and are not the type to coo over babies. While some of my friends can't wait to be mums, the thought of being stuck at home with a child scares me, and bores me. I also couldn't make the necessary sacrifices; whereas a lot of people feel that without children, something is 'missing' in their lives, I feel the opposite: if we had children, we would miss out on so many things: being able to travel, being able to go out where and when we want without worrying about costs or sitters, being able to pursue our own personal interests, and so on. I also see the impact that children have on even the strongest relationships, and I don't want that; I love my OH above all else, and don't want children getting in the way of romantic nights out/in, our sex life, and so on.

I'd love to hear from other bees; the reactions I've had so far have been mixed. Some have been fairly positive; most people have been confused, and assumed that I can't mean I don't want children at all, and that I MUST want them at some point.. The worst reaction I've had was my best friend telling me I'm 'unnatural'.. I've also faced bingos from my mum, who will say she's supportive, only to say in the next breath something like 'But you can still go out sometimes when you have children, just not as much'. My response? Why would I sacrifice going out even once a year, when I don't even WANT children?..! ;-)

I'm glad it worked out for you :-)

However, I definitely do not want children, ever. Nothing would make me inclined to have a baby. So, I guess I'll never know if it's 'different with your own' :-) And you know what? That's fine by me!

I think that what just happened serves to demonstrate even more how we need a board. The very first post to reply to a "Trying to find childfree ladies, introduce yourself!" is a Bingo from someone yet again. That would be like me going to an IVF support thread and saying, "I'm not trying to change your mind but you should be childfree because my experience is that IVFers happiness is misplaced." 

Rude. This isn't a "it's different when it's your own" thread. This is a looking for like minded people thread. If I was looking for other redheaded bees for wedding makeup advice would you post saying, "I'm a brunette and you should be to. Use black eyeliner." Not helpful or considerate. Inciting drama. 

@mittens111211:  

Thank you :-)

Such a shame the first response was a bingo but hey ho! Hopefully it won't put the CF off posting :-)

My intro! I'm 23 and my FH (sept!!!) is 25. I have always been childfree. When I first explicitly told my mother, she said, "Thank god, you'd drown them!" . I was a virgin until much later than my FI would have liked because I was so mortified of the thought of falling pregnant and having to get an abortion. My FI originally said he didn't want kids but couldn't promise that at age 38 or something he wouldn't change his mind. I laid it out to him very clearly- it's a choice between me and children. I will never give him children. He blinked and said, "Wow. Easiest choice I've ever made." His mother and father hate it, but it's not up to the obviously. Their family is already incredibly dysfunctional- they don't talk to one daughter (father's daughter from 1st marriage) and the resulting grand kids because of a childish family feud. My dad hopes we change our mind. My mom knows we won't. 

Once we buy a house (hunting now), we're going to get 2 big dogs. =] animals > sprog. 

@MrsBroccoli:

I'd love dogs, as would OH, but we're not yet sure we can even make that committment yet. I love them though; I have a Boxer (I live with my parents atm) and he is just BEAUTIFUL :-) So much cuter than any baby lol ;-)

We haven't actually broached the subject with MIL yet, and TBH, I'm not sure I want to; I think she will 'blame' me or something weird, and thinking I'm pushing him into it. So, I might well hide behind my endo as an excuse. Pathetic, yes, but frankly it isn't worth the hassle; it's not like I can cut her out of my life what with her being his mother lol

@mrs-v-to-be:

I think the key point is that Janna is describing her experience of being a parent; this thread is for the childfree. So her experience is totally irrelevant to the topic.

And a bingo is essentially where someone attacks you for their choice, whether more obviously (like my friend calling me unnatural), or more subtly (by saying things like 'But it's different when it's your own!' or 'But who will look after you when you're old?!'). The point being that being childfree is a personal choice, that people should not need to explain or justify, or be questionned about. Yet weirdly, people think that what CFers do with their repruductive organs is somehow their business...

@GroovyHippieChick:  Haha I like the "two stomachs" line. I'll have to remember that. Back when it was topical I recallthe one liner "My biological clock was hit with Y2K." Wow that was too long ago for it to still be funny. 

@GroovyHippieChick:

"I always felt like if you were going to have children it should be because you wanted it more than anything else.  .you felt it deep in your soul.  Not because it's what's expected of you, or you think you might be okay once you have kids."

Totally agree! And this is what I said to my OH: I told him that the ONLY good reason for having children is because you cannot imagine life without them, and that if you CAN imagine life without them, and do not desperately want them, you shouldn't be having them.

It frustrates me when people say things like 'But it's different with your own!' or 'But it's so WORTH it!', or 'But you'd be a good parent!' and so on. If you don't WANT children, why on earth would you have them? I don't get it.

I suggest all CF/CBC/no-babies ladies gents ignore any thread jacking attempts that are off topic. Let's not feed the trolls.

Anyone planning on getting sterilized anytime soon? I was originally going to get essure, but found a ton of testimonials about the high ejection rate =[ FI recently said that he'll get a vasectomy in a few years when he gets the balls to, if you will pardon the pun. I'm excited because our current methods (the pill + condoms) leave a lot to be desired. 

For most of my life, I never wanted children. Then I met FI and I definately want a baby with him (funny how life works). Stand sure on your decision. When I didn't want children people would challenge me all the time, telling me I was wrong, I would regret it, etc. Having children is not a requirement, and does not define you as a person. If you don't WANT to have kids, then don't! To each her own!

@StaceyMay81:  

I think that if you really feel strongly, and have sound reasons for not wanting children, then you are unlikely to change your mind. A lot of people say 'Oh, I was CF until I got pregnant by accident', or 'Oh, I never wanted children until I met my OH', or 'I didn't want children, but then in my 30s I felt something was missing', and for me, these women are not what I'd class as CF. Most CFers have known from an early age that they do not want children (even as a child I didn't like younger children, and I have never been maternal, and remember wondering at a young age while my friends all wanted babies, because babies just did not feature in my life plans at all), and it is very much a part of who they are. For me to change my mind, my whole personality and person would have to change; it is just a big part of who I am. Having children is not something I have ever wanted, I have a LOT of very good reasons for not wanting them (including really really disliking them), and at 25, I personally think the chances of me ever changing my mind are extremely tiny. I have given a LOT of thought to this, whereas I think women who say they don't want children and go on to have them tend to be more flippant and have given it less thought.

I mean, to rspond to the common comments above:

"Oh, I was CF until I got pregnant by accident": most CFers I know, myself included would a) be unlikely to get pregnant 'by accident' because they are so paranoid and careful and would b) very likely have an abortion if they did get pregnant. They would not even CONTEMPLATE keeping it. So if someone were to keep it, I feel they are not 'truly' CF.

"I never wanted children until I met my OH": most CFers would not get involved with someone who didn't feel the same; you don't just change your mind on something you feel so strongly about.

"I didn't want children until I got to my 30s and felt something was missing": when I think forward to 10 years time, I imagine my OH and I doing as we do now: going to the pub/cinema/out for dinner whenever we want, curling up at home with a bottle of wine and a movie, going on luxury holidays. I don't look at that poicture and think a child would complete it; I look at that picture and think 'Thank GOD a child is not there to get in the way!'

DH and I aren't sure if we want children or not. I always did when I was younger but then I went to college, got a job, met DH and we have a wonderful life together, that we don't really want to change. I'm still pretty young so I'm not sure that I can commit to saying we are definitely not going to have children. I have mentioned it in passing to my Mom and she freaked out. My MIL heard about it too and now almost every time we see her she mentions us having a kid some day, which pisses me off to know end. Having a kid changes your life so completely and yet no one has told me to really think hard before having a kid, yet thinking about not having a kid requires me to "really think about it" and "you'll regret it later".