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FI and I have decided for a number of reason that we want to be child-free. We like our freedom and the financial aspects of not having children as well there are some medical reason that it would be completely foolish for us to have children: allergies, mental health issues and addictions all run through our families, and subjecting a living thing that has no choice to those issues is cruel, in our view at least. Of course there are the social aspects as well, which matter slightly less to us but I know matter more to others who choose this route.
I know I cannot be the only one around here with these feelings. I know that some of the mothers get upset by these posts, but there are actually those of us who really believe that not everyone should be having children. Including ourselves. I wish that WE had a safe past on these boards like the mothers do to discuss these things but I know that is a pipe dream because we are in the minority.
So anyone else out there looking for support? Well you know how I feel and I am here.
p.s: I am really respectful and in awe of those who put everything on the line to have children. I am just selfish in a way and don't want to give up my time, body and my FI (soon to be life partner) to do it. Just being honest.
every couple has to decide what's best for them. even though i personally DO want children eventually, i know it's not right for every couple. props to you and your FI for deciding what is best for the two of you, and don't let anyone talk down to you or like you're choice is stupid, ect, to you. you do what's best for you and your FI, end of discussion.
We haven't made the child decision - we'll reevaluate when we're older - but a lot of our friends are having kids and we get a lot of questions about when we're starting. Um, maybe in 10 years? Sigh.
Anyway, I think knowing yourself and your desires well enough to make that decision is just as commendable as anyone who decides to have children, so more power to you!
No kids for us. I've known since I WAS a kid that I didn't want to have them. I'm nearly 32 y/o, and there's ZERO clock-ticking going on here. Everbody says "you'll change your mind" but I doubt it. I'm content being a dog-mom.
@tranquility: We just dont know... and a lot of it is because I cant answer some of these questions.
I always thought I would like to adopt an older child (about 7-10) because so many kids that age never get adopted, buy FH is not into that.
I dont worry about who will take care of me when I am older. I worry that I wont have family for the holidays. Its my responsibility and only mine to take care of myself (and I believe everyone should follow that) not that of any future children. There is no guarantee those future children will choose a career that gives them any extra cash to help you out. Besides, not having kid gives us the opportunity to save a whole lot more for retirement.
If I had it my way, we would be child-free. I don't like kids. There has only ever been one child that I have liked and thats my cousin. Other than him, I find most children rather annoying.
It's important to FI that we have atleast one kid and I certainly will not keep him from having the family he wants. I'm sure once its my kid, I'll feel differently about them but as it stands right now I would be more than happy sleeping, spending money and doing what I want to without having to drag around a kid for the rest of our lives.
I do want to have children, and have known since I was young that I wanted to be a mom, but I really respect the decision not to. I agree with you that not everyone should be having children, and I think it's much more responsible to be true to your own desires than it is to have children out of social pressure.
@missrobots: I am the same as you. I remember telling my mother when I was about 8 years old that I was never going to have children. She said the same thing people told you: "you'll change your mind when you get older". Well, like you, I am in my 30s now and I have not changed my mind AT ALL. I just don't want children. Period. I don't even think I have a biological clock!
When I was in my 20's, I was open to the idea of having kids if the urge arose, and it never really did. By the time i got into my 30's and more friends and family had kids, it became pretty clear to me that I like little ones better in small doses. People including family and total strangers (luckily, not our parents) used to offer a lot of unsolicited opinions about our choice not to have kids, but after a certain point, they give it up.
Later, I might host foster kids and/or exchange students. For right now, I'm still not the right person for the job.
Do you fear what will happen when you get older? Like who will take care of you?
I believe that it is foolish to think that *your children will take care of you when you are older. I would never want to bring someone into this world with even the slighest impression that their job when they are older is to take care of me. They will have their own lives and responsiblities at that point, and who's to say that they would even step up to the plate? We all hope they would but often times the elderly get left alone and handed over to government care while their children take their money. I would never burden or guilt someone into thinking that their responsiblity. At the end of the day the only person who is going to take care of me is myself. I have already started putting money away so that I can afford a decent assisted care home if I make it that far. Same with FI. You get a "living will" drawn up by a lawyer that explains what to do if you are still alive but unable to care for yourself. It is a hard talk to have but it is a talk everyone should be having even if they do have children.
Do you ever feel like "maybe I am making a mistake"?
Never. I haven't wanted children since I could talk, which was age 3 and a half. Babysitting never set off baby fever. I did have a moment where I was like "What would my life be like with children." and then realize I would be horribly unhappy. Honestly, reading about parents on here only reaffirms my decision not to have children.
Do you worry that when you get older you will regret it?
I am a firm believer of not living life with regret. So no.
*your->I am using it as a neutral. Not towards you. Just wanted to make it clear. :)
I think we will be child-free. I keep getting into trouble when I tell people I am committed to it, so I'm trying to tone down my certainty for other people's benefit. ;) I have known since I was VERY young that I didn't want children, and my fiance did not want them when we started dating. He's getting a little less certain, but when we talk seriously about what having children would require, he starts backing off pretty quickly.
@tranquility: As far as your questions go, I can only answer them for myself and not anyone else.
Do you fear what will happen when you get older? Like who will take care of you?
I think everyone fears what will happen when they get older! But the fact is that most of the people in the nursing home have children. I do not come from a culture where people believe in living with their parents as they age. Since my heart is not really into parenting, I don't even have much confidence I would do a good enough job raising a kid that he or she would want to devote his/her middle age to caring for me in my old age. A lot of children don't.
While anything can happen, I feel that I can count on my own financial and insurance planning, and on hiring a good elderly care manager is a lot more certain than hoping that my theoretical children have both the time and inclination to take care of me and happen to live close enough that they can be there frequently.
Do you ever feel like "maybe I am making a mistake"?
I am a big overanalyzer of things like this, so of course I consider these sorts of things. But in both rational thought and emotional feeling, I am so much more concerned that I will make a mistake and have a child simply because people keep telling me it's something I have to do. That will be a huge mistake not only in my life, but in the life of the child.
Do you worry that when you get older you will regret it?
I worry a lot more that I will have a child and regret it than I will regret not having one. A LOT more. Sure, I'm young enough to change my mind, but I've also known myself for almost 30 years and I know myself pretty well on this issue.
I personally agree with @sceeder. My mother said the same thing to me about who will take care of me when I get old if I don't have children. I told her basically what you wrote, sceeder; that there is no guarantee whatsoever that one's children will take care of their parents when the parents are older. I know of so many circumstances where the parents were just shoveled into an elderly care facility and the children rarely would even visit them. I'd rather plan for my old age myself and not give the responsibility to children nor have them just for the hope that they will take care of me later on in life. I also don't feel I will ever regret the choice not to have children. For some people, they simply intuitively know that reproducing is just not for them.
Though I want children, I just want to say that choosing not to have children is a perfectly valid (and some cases preferable) choice.
My grandmother is a perfectly lovely person and nice in an abstract sense, but she was a uninterested, somewhat selfish mother to my dad because she never wanted kids in the first place and resented having them.. for her, i know it would have been better if she had not had children.
i also have an aunt who is the world's best aunt, but never wanted children. She spends her time and money doing things like flying to Europe on a whim! Fun!
-- it is definitely a personal choice!
I just saw these questions after I already posted so I'd like to answer considering I'm in the "child-free" boat (even though I'll more than likely have one just to make FI happy).
@tranquility: I kind of feel that you posting these questions is judging those who chose/choose to not have children. If you weren't judging, the questions wouldn't have been asked. I'm sure every couple who makes the decision to be "child-free" has thought it through.
Do you fear what will happen when you get older? Like who will take care of you?- I think its really unfair for parents to put that kind of responsibility on their kids. Parents should plan accordingly for their future and not rely on their children to take care of them.
Do you ever feel like "maybe I am making a mistake"?- I'm sure most who are choosing this lifestyle would say no. If we chose to not have children, it would certainly not be a mistake.
Do you worry that when you get older you will regret it?- Nope.
Nope- having kids was very important to us- I will probably have one more (to make 3 total) but I do not see my life without my child. They prevent you from being completely lonely as you age (they always come back!). I <3 my kids!
A note on wording: childless folks are people who want children, but do not yet have them. Childfree people are folks who have chosen not to have kids.
@armychica06: People who choose not to have kids will not be "completely lonely" as they age. And no, they don't always come back.
@UpstateCait: I clearly stated that I wasn't judging.
I am naturally curious. In fact, if I didn't have a child already, I probably would have gone that route.
And it is statements like these that make people feel like they shouldn't ask questions. I really hope that the bee doesn't turn into that kind of environment.
@UpstateCait: That is why I kinda asked in my post that we could have our own safe spot. Unfortunately people are going to be judgemental on this, and in many cases will make borderline offensive comments towards our lifestyle choices. If however, I made similar comments back about their lifestyle choices, I'd probably be banned from WB. Unfortunately, this is our currently reality.
I have question for everyone who says that kids will keep you from being lonely or will care for you as you're older. Do you think that people without kids don't have social lives? Or that they haven't made contact with other couples who want to have friends outside of just family?
Some kids choose to break ties with their families, and as horrid as it seems, there's no guarantee that everyone's kids will stick around to keep them company. Many children move across the country or even the world - how are they going to keep you company from such a long distance?
Wow! I said I am not judging and I thought that this would be a place where I could ask the question from someone without being accused of judging. This is ridiculous.
It has seriously become like walking on eggshells where you have to watch out what you say or else you will be made out to be a nazi or something.
@UpstateCait: Ah, ok! I'm gonna leave it there so people can learn the right words, but I figured you knew it anyway. No offense intended!
@tranquility: I don't think anyone is making you out to be a "nazi" but coming onto a thread thats about being child-free and asking these questions is slightly judgmental to me (others may feel differently).
@UpstateCait: I dont feel that was judgemental at all. I see it as the questions she has asked herself or would ask herself regarding not having kids and was wondering how others answered it. I have no kids and I dont know if I want to have kids and these are the EXACT questions I ask myself. I think its rather insightful.
It would only be judging in a bad way if they were stated in a different manner such as "How can you expect the government to support you in your old age if you dont have kids"
"If you dont have kids you are going to regret it! how do you deal with that"
Its on the phrasing of the question, not the question itself that causes judgement. I think we are being too sensitive here. Is someone not supposed inquire as to why? You (plural you) could easily ask the same questions of people having kids. Why did they decide to have kids?
EDIT: I think asking questions is a good thing. The more information that is shared, the more something is understood and, therefore, accepted. I have a handicapped friend that prefers for people to ask "what happened" to his face as opposed to people whispering and pointing. Being out in the open about sensitive subjects is the best way to create a true understanding from all sides of an issue.
I'm glad you brought this up. We haven't gone around saying we will be forever "child free" but at almost 29, I feel nothing. No urge...nothing. No clock ticking here. Maybe it will happen for us (I know we've talked about it) but I rather be doing it for the right reasons instead of wanting a baby just because or for the sake of having a baby because that's what "you're supposed to do". Good topic!
Also wanted to add is that I sometimes feel very guilty inside for not wanting a baby as badly as other women. I just don't see the maddening appeal considering this world is totally jacked up--and that scares me.
@deetroitwhat: I can identify with this. I feel like I am supposed to desire one above anything else, and I just dont. I feel guilty that I might "rob my mom" of a grandchild.
i was married 27 years without children. We were definately child free. I had a great button that said "non breeder".
I will tell you one issue is birth control. If you choose not to have children you need a rather permanent method of birth control. When my husband at 28 scheduled a vasectomy we really had to jump through some hoops e.g couples counseling. Our HMO at the time wanted to make certain I knew it was happening.
That was last century and pre HPPA so maybe things have changed.
People do give you grief- they assume you have a medical issue rather than a lifestyle choice. They give you advice "you are young yet, you will change your mind" Your parents may give you nudges. Luckily ours were all about the granddogs.
And Mothers Day is a bit of a pill. People assume as a woman you have children, and I went through a militant stage, then I mellowed out. And sometimes people act like you are not a "family" with just the two of you. I once called a talk radio show because the topic was "the only reason to get married was to have children" grrrrrrr
FI and I DO want children, but I have a good friend who absolutely does not, and I support her completely. Time spent babysitting my nephew has taught me that children are exhausting and will try your ever last nerve - I would never want to force that on someone who isn't sure they want them. (I know that and I still want them. Choices are great)
I read a quote yesterday that I shared with this friend. It's a response if someone asks why you don't want children:
"Don't you like children!?"
"Oh, I ADORE children!"
"Then why don't you want any?"
"I adore a penis too, doesn't mean I want one."
@retreadbride: Yeah, the birth control thing is an issue. I am fine at the moment with taking pills/condom thing but I don't want to be doing it forever. I asked for an IUD and was refused, and we aren't even going to bother asking the doctor for the "snip-snip" until FI is at least 30 because they SO make you jump through hoops even when you are 30 plus because obviously EVERYONE WANTS BABIES!?!?!?
Questions I have been dealing with since 3 and a half because people always are telling me that I will change my mind. My mom and aunts get it though, now. They know how serious I am.
I also hate the people who say you are not a family. We have been through so much together and love each other so much, if that isn't family then I don't want one...hahaha.
We're not ready to bring a new human bean into the world and I don't know if we ever will be. Even the mere through of being responsible for another human bean is overwhelming to us.
Great thread, and really I think the questions posed are all wonderful. Every one whether they want to have kids or not should question themselves. I really think the world would be a much better place if people thought through their desire to procreate a bit more.
I definitely want children and in fact I am anxious to start trying. I'm 31, but when I was 27 I wasn't sure so really it does show that things can change pretty quickly. I know a lot of people that probably shouldn't have children. Then again I know others who decided firmly against it but changed their minds when they turned 40. I'm just happy to live in an age where these decisions are not automatically made for me.
I am currently torn on this issue. I always thought I wanted children. I used to say I'd have two by 28. Yikes. I'm 29 now, getting married in June, and can't see myself wanting them anytime soon. It's like the more real it becomes to actually have them, the less I want them. Does that make sense?
My FI says he would like at least one child, probably around age 35. But as we were talking about this just last night, we kept mentioning all of the other things we could do and experience in life if we don't have kids.
I have an awesome aunt who never married, never had kids, and has done the most incredible things in life...
It's odd to me because I always thought that I was dead set on kids...but I can honestly say now that I really don't know that I want them at all. ever.
As for never being lonely because you have kids or depending on them to take care of you...I don't think either of those are valid points. My parents were not that great, and we're not very close now. We're not sources of comfort or companionship for each other.
@sceeder: Planned Parenthood is a potential source of "snipping". Its really not fair/safe. You can always say " bad reactions" and get off them. Why in the world would a doctor not suggest an IUD?
My real concern is that no method is fool proof, and you dont want an "oops" . And to be honest- there is something awesome about "free sex" lol.
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