Post # 1
I’ve been lurking on these boards for a while. I’m not much of a forum-person generally, but I’ve been really impressed with everyone’s well-reasoned yet compassionate advice, and I’d be really interested to hear what you all have to say about this.
I’m just wondering: has anyone ever walked after a relatively short period of time? By “relatively short” i mean after 1.5-2 years of dating. It seems as though most of the women here have walked after much longer, but, let’s say you have a strong personal conviction that a) you definitely want marriage, b) you think there are diminishing returns if you’ve been with a man for more than 1.5-2 years and he still doesn’t want to get engaged, and c) you are willing to actually follow through with it?
Basically, I’m asking if you all think there is an objective length of time that is too short to consider walking. Would it change depending on your age, or whether you live together?
Post # 3
@banana-bee: Hmm… I think the soonest I would consider walking is about 18 months -2 years, but ONLY if I was 29-31, and my SO made it clear that he didn’t want to even consider marriage for a few more years. Personally, I want kids, and there’s a window of opportunity that I can’t miss!! 🙂
Post # 4
My opinion differs on several fronts: how old are the people involved? What circumstances might be preventing this relationship from moving forward (i.e., does he want to finish school first, etc.)? Age, whether or not the couple is already living together, etc., changes things.
Are they 20, 25 and they’re paying off debts, still attending school, still trying to earn a raise? I’d really push for a longer timeframe. Are they 30 or 40, financially settled, done with school, debt manageable? Two years, even a bit less, is very reasonable.
At the end of the day, you have to do what’s right for you — but you also need to consider whether or not it’s reasonable. Expecting an engagement within 1.5 – 2 years is going to cut down on prospects, but it’s not altogether impossible.
If he couldn’t give me an indication that he THOUGHT he might marry me, and if he didn’t have even a general timeline in mind for when he wanted to marry at the two year mark (or worse yet, if he claims he never wants to get married), it’s time to leave. If he has no legitimate excuses anymore, and if you’re already living together, the writing’s on the wall that something’s gotta give.
I do think some folks here walk after too short of a time. Others spend 5, 10 or more years waiting for a proposal.
Post # 5
@banana-bee: Hi. and welcome 🙂
I think it depends on the relationship. If you’ve been together for a year and a half and your SO has never mentioned marriage or doesn’t seem interested at all in a long term future together, and it is something that is important to you, I’d walk.
There’s no point in wasting time with someone who doesn’t seem interested in marriage (if thats what you want).
If he has made it clear thought that he sees a long term future with you, but he wants to wait til he finishes school or finds a job…etc (a reasonable reason to wait), then it’s probably worth being patient for.
No time is too early to walk if you want different things in life or if he isn’t the one.
I heard something on the radio (anyone else listen to The Bert Show?) and they were talking about how soon a guy knows after he meets a girl if its the girl he wants to marry. The average was like 3 months. Now, whether or not they can make the marraige happen right away is a different story (lots of reasons to not do it right away, like school, jobs, money…etc)…but that a guy should KNOW at least within the first 6 months…lets even say the first year, if you are someone he wants a future with or not.
I’m always a bet skeptical of the relationships who have been together for years and years and the guy still doesn’t know if he wants to be with the girl or not. Most guys say when they meet the right girl, they know pretty soon after meeting her.
but that’s just my opinion. every relationship is different.
Post # 6
I don’t know if I’d call it walking after 1.5-2 years, I think I’d call that “not the right person.”
Post # 7
@banana-bee: depends on age, IMO. if I were in my mid to late 30s and wanted children asap, I would consider walking. I got engaged to my fiance in my early 30s after 5 years of dating.
Post # 8
I think it depends on how sure you are of the person and how sure you want to be married.
For me- getting married was extremely important. I was actually ready to walk after about 3 months of dating my FI because he mentioned to me that he didn’t see himself getting married. I had a serious talk with him at 3 months that was like- I only date because I’m serious. A part of being serious is that I want to get married.
He immediately redacted his statement and said that as a person, he would be happy without the oficiality of getting married. However, he wants to be with one person forever and would be happy to consider marriage if that was what I wanted.
We were engaged after 22 months.
Post # 9
Yes, and it was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. I’m so glad I waited for FI-he’s truly the best man I’ve ever known
Post # 10
@CookieCreamCakes: I’m 28, he’s 33. Very much out of school. We live together. Actually, we moved to a new city together after about a year of dating for MY year-long job. I know, a huge commitment on his part, right? I try to remember that, because it is absolutely an enormously brave thing for him to have done.
On the other hand, I told him before we moved that if we weren’t engaged by the end of the first year in the new city, I wouldn’t want him to move with me to wherever I moved next, because I would want to start fresh. There’s some disagreement as to whether he understood what I said when I said that, but I have since made it very clear.
In any case, we’re now about half-way in and given many factors, I do not expect an engagement in the next six months. He would never tell me that he absolutely isn’t going to propose in that length of time. Instead, it will be a very slow six-month death on my part, as each month passes and he doesn’t even start thinking about proposing.
I don’t want to be unreasonable, but I’m not sure what’s reasonable anymore.
Post # 11
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@banana-bee: It depends on the dialogue between the couple and other considerations as to whether it’s best to stick it out or walk after 1.5-2 years.
If you and/or your partner are relatively young (under 25) then it may be worth sticking around if and only if you are both on the same page about planning a future wedding and marriage. However, if you are older (30+) and having children is something you do not want to gamble on, it may be worth walking after a year or two if your partner isn’t sure about marriage (and/or kids for that matter.)
Post # 12
@Bexx: That’s encouraging! About the comment on the Bert Show. I hope it’s true.
And thanks for the welcome.
Post # 13
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@banana-bee: At 33, 2 years and a move to another state is enough time and circumstances to know if you want to marry someone. If you truly think he’s the one then you should propose to him. If he accepts then yay. If he turns you down, you know where you stand and it’s time to walk. But honestly if you are even considering moving on without him, then it’s probably best if you break things off and move on.
Post # 14
I think it would depend on age and other factors.
I turned 34 last fall and have been very clear with my guy from early on what my expectations are, etc. For example, wouldn’t move in unless we both knew we wanted marriage, were on the same time line, same page with kids, etc. He’s 38 and has been on the same page with me. I most likely would not have continued a relationship with him past like 6 months if I felt we wanted very different things out of life.
We also both had our lives in order and fairly settled before we even met. Each owned our own properties, steady jobs, savings, little debt, etc. Essentially this also meant that there were no financial or career goal reasons to put off a decision about marriage.
We will celebrate our 1 year anniversary in about 3 weeks, he has the ring and I’m pretty sure that’s when he plans to ask.
I think at any age, out of college, without significant financial/career related hurdles, marriage should be something you can definitely talk about and start taking actions on within 1.5-2 years. If, however, you do have those hurdles to overcome, those should probably be your priorities first.
Post # 15
I would walk if after 2 years, my boyfriend still didn’t know if he wanted to marry me. With SO, I knew after 6 months or so that he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. While of course we aren’t the same people, I wouldn’t want to stay with someone who couldn’t decide whether or not they were serious with me after four times the length of time it took me. It is a red flag to me that after 2 years, you still aren’t sure of what you want.
While we aren’t technically engaged and have been together for 2 years, we’ve spoken about it, have an idea of when we’d like to get married and engaged, and the only thing holding us back right now is logistics.
Post # 16
It’s never too soon. If a woman can’t be happy in her relationship without marriage, she should open her mouth and say something. There’s no point in trying to bottle your feelings and becoming resentful.
A lot of women are ready to get married after 2 or 3 years of dating. Other women want marriage after 5 months or 10 years, or they never want it at all. There are 7 billion people on this planet, half of them are women- we’re not all going to feel the same way. There’s no perfect, magical time to get married.