(Closed) Anyone considering Adoption/Fostercare or have adopted/fostered?

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I am definitely wanting to foster and/or adopt in the future. I’m a social worker and I work with kids in foster care placed in residential care. I’ve worked as an adoption social worker before as well.

DH is less into than I am, but he is open to it down the road. We are pregnant now, and are thinking about it once our child/children are school aged. I’d prefer to foster/adopt elementary aged children.

It’s a wonderful thing to do, and there are never enough good foster homes available. It is very important though, that once you decide to accept a child into your home, that you and your husband are both committed to the process. I’ve worked with parents who were not equally committed to the issues the kids they were adopting had, and the kids ended up being sent back because the father couldn’t handle it, while the mother wanted to keep them. It was devastating, especially since the kids were interstate, and it had taken a long time and a lot of work on everyone’s end to make it happen. Be very up front about what issues you can handle and what you can’t, since it’s much harder to change things up once you have a child in your home and it’s so traumatic to be moved from home to home.

Kudos to you and your FI for planning to take on this wonderful challenge.

Post # 6
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

That’s awesome you want to foster/adopt in the future. I do agree with your husband that it may be easier to have your biological first, then foster a child between 2-6. May be easier for the both of you. Plus the foster child will have a playmate (your bio child). Anyway, we have talked about adopting a child (from India where my hubby is from) after having a bio. child or our own. I’ve never thought about the bond being any less strong. Sure, you don’t carry the baby for 9 months, so there isn’t a “physical” bond, but I would think the emotional bond (which to me is more important) would be just as strong as a bio. baby! I don’t know though. I definately could be wrong! That’s awful your sister-in-law said that though because it is your choice!! I think it’s admirable that you are considering fostering a child. Not many people can or will do this!! 🙂

Post # 7
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I don’t have any experience but a friend of mine has 2 foster boys (they are in the process of adopting), and is currently pregnant with her first bio child.

I know her husband wasn’t as on board as she was at first – he sounds like your FH – he isn’t against it, but wasn’t as passionate about it as she was – that feeling lasted until the boys came home to them, and then he fell in love with them.

They had to take about 40 hours of training classes, and select pathways: either adoption only, foster-to-adopt, or foster only. At first, they selected “adoption only” because that’s their goal, but found that they could not get any babies/toddlers with that route, which was the age they preferred. Sometimes the state is hesitant to cut all bio-parental ties with babies. They decided they would be comfortable with “foster-to-adopt”, and 2 half brothers were placed with them, who were 1 and 2 at the time of placement. They’ve had them for a year now, and are in the process of adopting them, which might take several more months – or more like another year.

I know its been a rough process for them (waiting for children to be placed with them and now not knowing what will happen to the boys), but totally rewarding. They love those little guys just like they will love their bio child, which is awesome to see.

Good luck – there are so many children out there that need loving stable homes!

Post # 10
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I think that is great that you want to do that 🙂 I think that personally I would be more keen to fostering than adopting. Something really bothers me about how expensive it is to adopt a child. I don’t really understand where the money goes and paying $30,000+ for a child just feels…. wrong or something to me. I don’t know. 

FI and I have talked about this issue and he has told me that he is not open to adoption unless we discovered we could not have kids. He feels like he’d bond more easily with a bio child. I think I’d bond equally well with a bio or adopted child, but there are things I worry about with an adopted kid. Mainly because it seems like there are plenty of people wanting/willing to take babies (otherwise why would it take so damn long)… at which point it doesn’t really feel like you’re HELPING because if you didn’t take them someone else would. And with an older kid there seems to be a risk of not bonding/attachment problems/etc. I guess because I’m so on the fence about having kids anyways, I want to do the easiest possible thing if we do have a kid… and that is to go the bio route. 

But, I do really respect people who are able and willing to adopt because it is something I don’t really see us being up for. 

Post # 12
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I have a strong sense of this as well.  Not sure yet how it will play out in my life yet though. 

One of my big concerns about fostering is that all the love and time you put into that child can essentially go out the window as soon as they return to their parents.  That is REALLY discouraging.  We have personally went through this with some personal situations and it has really discouraged me. 

The other thing to remember/think about when either adopting or fostering is what kind of behaviors/attitudes/lifestyles does that child bring.  I think part of the bond with a bio child is that they are with you from the start.  You know and understand why they do quirky things.  When we lived with a foster child and she woke up SCREAMING bloody murder in the middle of the night we had no idea where it came from.  Its really hard to have patients to deal with some stuff like that. 

Bottom line, you and your partner have to more than 100% be on board.  I hate to describe it this way, but parenting can rip couples apart.  When you bring another child in that wasn’t raised they way you would it is VERY tough and you have to agree how to handle many unknowns. 

Like I said, I feel that I may at some point be involved with foster/adoption but right now we are going to work on bio kids first. 

Post # 13
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

@beekiss2: yea i don’t know. I feel like if it happened and we adopted he would be shocked by how much he loved that kid. part of it is that we’re both pretty unsure we even WANT kids. So taking it a step farther in going through all that time/expense/heartache to get a kid is a pretty hard leap in our minds. Neither of us are close to any kids at all, don’t have any nieces or nephews, etc, so I think its kind of hard to wrap our minds around loving a kid anyways. I think for people who have kids in their lives that they’re closer to, its way easier to imagine the adoption scenario. 

Post # 14
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

We’re not planning on adopting but my brother and I were adopted.  Since it was the ’70s, I think it was easier to adopt newborns without special needs.  We are 5 years apart and honestly couldn’t be closer as siblings.  We were very close with our parents as well.  Reading what your future SIL said makes me want to poke her in the eye just a little bit.  We grew up knowing we were adopted and weren’t treated any differently for it.  Back then and I think even more today, adopted kids know that they were/are wanted (or at least that’s how I felt).  That our parents went through all these extra measures to get us.  When people ask about my “real” parents I say that my adopted parents WERE my real parents.  They gave us everything we could have ever needed.  Both have passed away but I honestly wouldn’t trade what relatively little time we had with them for anything.  Sorry, tiny soapbox.  Props for wanting to adopt/foster down the road.  Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
53 posts
Worker bee

I don’t really have very much insight into the parenting side of this conversation, but as someone who was adopted at a very young age (10 days), I very much applaud the fact that you want to go this route.

My sister was also adopted – I was 5 and a half when it happened and remember how fantastic it was to all of a sudden have a baby sister. I’d just like to say that as long as you love all the children in your household and ensure they feel that love, none of them will care whether they have been breastfed or bottlefed, or were born from you or just came in through the front door. Many children learn by watching their parents. I loved my baby sister because my parents loved her. And I know that any child of yours (you with the big heart, I adore you for it) will feel loved. 

So, after all those words, I really just wanted to say two: thank you.  

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