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Hi Bees...
This is sort of open-ended, but is anyone else considering becoming a stay at home mom? (SAHM?) My husband and I aren't even trying for a baby yet, but we've started to discuss our options for child-care. We both have really good salaries, so we could live off of his alone without a problem. And . . . maybe this is the weird part, but I am TOTALLY excited about the idea of being a SAHM. Maybe because I don't like my job much, I just think making a home for my family full time sounds wonderful. And this, in turn, makes me feel guilty, like I'm betraying my education or something! (Ahh isn't it fun to be a woman?) Anyone else dealing with these issues? I'd love to hear your thoughts about how to make the transition, and where you're at in the decision-making process...
My cousin stays home with her kids and I really love how she can be with them. However, I didn't spend the majority of my life in school to stay at home- and I think I would lose my mind staying home all the time. Plus, my level of education makes my earning potential a lot higher than my husbands. So if anyone stays home, it'll be him.
We've talked about it a bit (we probably won't start having kids for another couple of years). We agreed that if it was a financially viable option, I might be a SAHM. I asked if he would like to do paternity leave at all and he didn't seem that interested, but he might change his mind later (though he will end up making a lot more money than me so it wouldn't make as much sense).
I don't think it's "betraying your education" if you like the idea. Lots of people don't do what they were "meant" to do with their degrees/diplomas etc. I think the most important thing is that it is the right option for YOU. Go for it!
We haven't really talked about it much, but my FI did say that whoever made the least would do leave when we had kids. So he is admitting if I have a job that makes more than him, he will do paternity leave, but I don't know if I could be a SAHM, I think I would go crazy.
I don't have kids yet but I'm still on the fence. Part of me would love to stay at home but then I think I'd like to at least work a couple days a week. So for now we're talking about our options.
Being the breadwinner, i'd love for my company to allow me to be a telecommuting SAHM. It would be fabulous!!!!!
Thanks Brianalaura -- I agree, I think everyone should do what is right for their family, and... I guess I really just think this would be right for us! And I think I might take some freelance or part-time work to keep my "adult-work" mind busy -- because like you ladies I do worry about going a little crazy... It's not an option for a lot of families, but I feel like since we have that option, it might be right for us...
@Lillindy -- I'm glad to see someone else is having the same thoughts! It really does make me feel better! For the next year we're trying to save a ton so that we have a good cushion when I leave work...
I am getting ahead of myself though... We haven't even started trying for a baby yet...
I never thought I would want to be a SAHM, but I think I would like to for the first few years at least. My husband and I have discussed finding some sort of at home work that I could start to develop as the kids get older. I have a friend that started her own company out of her house and it has really worked out for her. She wanted to be home for the kids, but she was going a little nutty and needed an outlet that wasn't kid-centric. Her company allows her flexibility with her schedule and now that both kids are in school she can really focus on growing the company.
My mom stayed at home with me from the time I was born until I was 3. I'd like to be able to spend at least the first year or two at home with our child if that was possible, but I really like my job... so that probably influeces my decision.
definitely considering it, but I can't until I have fulfilled a contract at work...So, we are leaning towards.
kid 1 - stay at home 6 mos then part time then full time and or telecommute - his mom hopefully we can pay to nanny
kid 2 - hopefully can SAH full-time, at least for awhile
I have zero desire to work full time while I have young children (someday). I might work part time, or freelance, or something to keep myself from being all-kid-all-the-time. But to keep a full-time job and have little kids at home would be like having two full time jobs, and I don't want to do that if I don't have to! Even though I've got a lot of higher education, I am not on a career path where I would suffer from taking a few years off to raise babies. It's an option for me to be some kind of SAHM and I will most likely take it happily. I really care about work-life balance and I know with my disposition that trying to do both full time would drive me insane.
No way. I worked too hard and have too many things i want to do in life to just stay home. I want to balance a baby on my lap AND my job. My job allows me so many more things in life...I am not the kind of person who would be fulfilled by taking care of my baby all day. I need more. My mother was a stay at home mom and soon resented it. I just do not have the mindset to do it.
I am an engineer--if you walk away from it, it's really tough to give it up. You can't just not be an engineer for a few years and then get back into the field. You lose a lot of technical knowledge and know how. It's a use it or lose it field. Plus, we both make good money....i want my kids to go to college and by both of us working, that's how it'll be possible.
I have absolutely zero desire to be a stay at home mom. In fact, I think FI would rather be a stay at home dad haha. I'm just too much of a "career woman", I'm currently getting my master's and pushing for my PhD someday. I just really want to have a full and successful career as well as a family. Plus, I just think I would be bored ;o)
That said, I think it's fine if that's what you want to do :o)
I feel very conflicted -- on the one hand, I don't want to be a mom who misses everything because she has to work -- and winds up doing nothing well because she's stretched too thin. On the other, I really like my job and I'm looking forward to developing my career. BUT -- If I worked full-time 9-5, basically my whole salary would go towards daycare, so then ... what's the point, even? It's so hard being a woman in this age, I think, because you're expected by society to rock at everything you do.
What I'm hoping will happen is that I'll be able to work from home a few days a week, supplement that with the Grandma Babysitting Agency (my FILs live here and my mother is seriously considering moving once we have kids) and a little bit of daycare.
I have mixed feelings about this. The idea sounds awesome but I don't think we'll be able to afford it, plus my benefits are pretty kicka$$. My mom stayed home with me but I always felt badly for her when I was in school and she was home alone all day. I'd love to say I'd stay home for a few years, but that's with the 1st child, what if we have one after that, and then next thing you know I'm out of the workforce for 10years?
FI and I joke because right now he's unemployed and can you image the child-care we'd be saving while he's at home all day?!? LOL
I don't know for sure but maybe some of you ladies will change your mind when you actually have the baby, I think a lot of women regret not spending enough time with their children for the sake of money and their career.
Having a child is a full-time job and shouldn't be scoffed at. I know of many high powered career driven women who found raising a child a lot more difficult and at the same time stimulating.
I've worked hard, too, but I can't have someone else raising my babies while i'm at work. I'll be staying home at least until they are school-age.
I totally agree, simpleandchic! My best friend had a baby four months ago and just went back to work (she's an attorney). She says she literally cries almost every day when she drops her baby off with daycare.... But they can't afford to lose her salary...
@chicagowife that makes it hard when yo rely on the womans salery.
@chicagowife I don't think ejs4y8 was saying that SAHM's are lazy, it's just not the route she wants to take.
I'm planning to be a SAHM after we have children, under almost any circumstances.
Before we got married I knew my husband would never make massive amounts of money, but we're committed to living in whatever means he makes in order for me to be with our children. I might try to do something part-time when they're in school, though.
Maybe I'm crazy, but I, like EJS, think I can have it all. Husband, career, babies, social life, etc.
Not for me and not for my husband. Neither one of us would thrive staying at home full-time. We're lucky in that we both have flexible work schedules so if we decide to have children, we can probably work something out.
simpleandchic, do you think a lot fathers regret not spending enough time with their kids for the sake of career and do you think a lot of men will change their minds about working fulltime after they have their kids?
That's not to say that both mothers and fathers often regret not having as much time for their kids as they'd like but that's not the same as regretting their careers.
And stewie, does your husband mind that someone else will be raising his kids?
In our relationship it looks like my husband might end up being the primary care giver. While I want children, definitely, I think he is the more nurturing of the two of us. He is not career-ambitious (I am) and he is very good with children in general.
We have discussed this in passing, he thinks he would be happy working part time and being the more "available" for kid-related errands (dropping off at daycare/school, being called from work, etc). Ideally, we'd like him to be able to work from home and freelance.
I think having one parent, or both, readily available is a great thing. My parents both worked full time, but it was in the same small town where we lived and they had flex time. They were able to stagger their work schedule so that one was home when we left for school in the morning and one was home when we got home from school in the afternoon.
I am with ejs4y8 and hotchildingthecity on this, though. I don't think I would be able to handle being home full time.
@chicagowife, lol. =]
I've met quite a few women who regret staying at home with their children for other reasons-reasons that speak to me and the kind of person I am.
I have no choice, though--my company is paying for my graduate degrees so i have to remain a full time employee. And i want and need an upper level degree. We've talked about a full time nanny but honestly, my MIL wants to babysit for us, and I'd be perfectly okay with the idea of the baby's grammy taking care of him/her. It's only 8 hours a day =].
I only work 40 hours a week, i have flex time, and the capability to work from home. I can work up to 2 days at home, scheduled, so i think it's fair to say i have an ideal situation.
@simpleandchic: I'm not scoffing at being a SAHM, it's just not for me. My mom didn't stay home with me and my sister and we never felt like she was any less of a mom or "missed" her in any way. We went to daycare, or were watched by relatives. When we were school-age, we went to grandma's after school. To this day, I never think, "I wish my mom would have stayed home with us."
To clarify, I don't disagree with the choice to be a SAHM and think that's a prefectly valid choice to make. I just don't like the way that personal choice gets couched in generalities or implies generalities about what women are like.
I also don't like how daycare is couched as "someone else" raising your kids as if you don't parent when you work and how that is never brought up in connection with men almost never raising their own kids (there are very few SAHD).
Some may but when no guilt is ever placed on them and when society does not make it the norm I think that a lot of men probably never think about it too much, esp if they spend lots of time with their kids after work and on weekends. Practically men do not have breasts so that limits you for the first 6 months anyway,
I know my Fi would love to be a stay at home dad, but he jokes with his mates about watching heaps of TV and going to the shops and cafe's I dont think he realises that if he stayed at home he would need to do the majority of the cleaning, cooking, shopping aswll as educating and stimulating the child.
I'm extremely lucky. I currently live across the street from my parents and my mom babysits the kids when I go into the office. I currently have flexible time in which I telecommute a couple times a week and the rest of the time I'm in the office. I was also teaching some paralegal courses at a community college, but have since dropped that because it was in the evening and I didn't feel I had enough time to dedicate to it, as I should have. In any event, I'd love to be a SAHM, but reality is that I have to work to have money to take care of my wonderful children. I'm lucky to have found a company that allows for me to work from home a couple days a week. Also, telecommuting allows me to do some much enjoyed pro bono work as a child advocate. Although I've worked hard to be where I am at in my career, if Mister could afford to take care of our family and save for our kids' future (college fund) and our retirements, I'd gladly stay home full time until the kids got into junior high school and then I'd work part time doing what I love - teaching and advocating for children's rights.
No i wasn't saying SAHMs are lazy, I think chicagowife was just making a joke =]
@simpleandchic, I don't understand why it's harder to rely on the woman's salary versus the man's salary....
@arachna
What do you mean? He wants me to stay at home with the babyif I want or he wants me to work if I want.
@simpleandchic - but I think there are also a lot of people who look down at SAHD's as being over-feminized and too lame to find a job, so their wife has to go to work and "wear the pants". . .they are seen as "unmanly" and "whipped".
(I don't think that!! I just think that society sometimes pushes the man as a breadwinner and not a SAHD which is ridiculous.)
Ejs4y8 -- I am really jealous of your professional situation -- it really does sound ideal for having both an engaging career and a lot of quality time with your kids. Sadly in my profession that's not an option. I work 70-hour weeks and working from home isn't an option.
And I fully agree that men are just as valid as stay-at-home parents. If my husband made less than me, I think we would definitely consider him staying at home full time with our kids. I think he'd rather do that than work, frankly! (He has a tough job too...)
@hotchildinthecity my mum was a single mum and worked full time and I never said I wish she had been a SAHM, But I know she had wished that she could have spent more time with me.
Everyone is different, but you cant have it all, it's impossible something has to give
@chicagowife - i have definitely contemplated this!
i have a degree, yes, but my pay LITERALLY equals the amount that hubby had in "taxes withheld" from his salary last year. So yeah, I am not the breadwinner! I do LOVE my job, but I always thought it would be wonderful to be a SAHM - maybe I would have a PT job...well, we shall cross that bridge when we get there!!
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