(Closed) Anyone dating a SO whose divorced? Vent :/ kinda

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

my FI was previously married.  his divorce was final in october of 2010 and we met late december 2010.  he proposed to me on my birthday of this year after we’d been together not quite a year and a half.  he was very jaded for awhile after the divorce but his ex cheated on him when he was in iraq and did a bunch of other crazy and controlling things and then she is the one who left him. 

it’s different for every situation but i’d say he will come around. 

did they have any children together?  my FI didn’t with his ex so i think that is why it was easier to move on.

Post # 4
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I think it’s different for different people.  It depends on a multitude of factors…. how willing is the divorced person to spend time processing what went wrong… what pieces were THEY responsible for… what did they bring to the table… what would/should they have done differently.  If they aren’t willing to HONESTLY look at the marriage and learn from it (not just get a different partner for next time)… well, they may NEVER actually be ready to marry again.  Even though they might, which would actuallly be worse.  Because if they don’t learn what NOT to do… then they will just replicate the same behaviors in the next relationship.

You (not “you”… the royal you) can say it was all the other person’s fault.  But that’s not helpful.  Even in cases where one person cheated or was abusive…. there was a DYNAMIC that was involved.  They need to figure out why they didn’t see… why they stayed so long… etc.  Basically, they need to HEAL before they can be ready to try again.

For some people that is a quick process…. for others it can be quite lengthy.  Sometimes it depends on the partner they have.  I have been divorced over 7 years.  I said I would never get married again.  I was in a 3 year relationship that was quite serious and committed, but I wasn’t going to get married.  At some point I realized that it wasn’t that I wasn’t going to get married… it was that I wasn’t going to marry HIM.  A year after that breakup I met my now FI.  Turns out I wasn’t that opposed to getting married again.  But I’ve done the work.  I’ve looked at my behaviors and what kind of relationship I want and am capable of having.  I looked at why I’ve been in some of th situations I’ve been in before… why I chose jerks… why, why, why.  So I’m in a completely different place now and I CAN build a healthy relationship.  Because I’m not bitter, or feeling like a victim, or feeling like I was screwed or taken advantage of… or whatever.

2 years is not a long time.  Although it seems long from your angle.  “they” recommend not making any changes for a year…. and he didn’t follow that advice and jumped right inot a relationship before his other one was finalized.  He didn’t give himself time to process and heal from his divorce.  He can say he didn’t need that time, that it’s over with and he was ready to move on…. and that may mean he ISN’T dealing with it.

  • Can he have conversations about what HE could have done differently in the relationship?
  • Does he have an understanding of HIS contribution to the failure of the marriage?  And what has he done to change the behaviors that contributed?
  • is he still quite emotional when talking about her (very angry, very bitter)?
  • Can he verbalize WHAT he wants out of a marriage…. and what the difference to HIM is in being in a committed relatinoship vs being “married”?
  • Can he verbalize in a calm and respectful manner what his needs are from you… emotionally, mentally, physically?
  • How does he feel your current relationship (living together… assuming husband/wife roles but not being married) would change if you were to get married.  Why does he not want to get married and is he willing to work at changing his perspective / attitude?  If he is willing to enjoy all the *benefits* of being married, why is not willing to provide the financial and legal security to you that marriage would offer?

I think if he has worked through those questions…. then he is ready to deal with IF he wants to be married again.  Then he will be able to decide if he feels that you are the person he would want to marry. 

Good Luck – I hope things work out and you get what you need.

Post # 5
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I did date a jaded divorced man…  He definitely did not come around, and I doubt he ever will.  It was a sad relationship, since I had to basically keep all my dreams for us to myself.  It was like I was in the relationship alone.  And I spent a lot of time listening to what a bitch his ex was…  That’s a big red flag.

I don’t think this is all divorced people though.  You just need to have an open conversation with him about whether he will ever want to get married again.  It sounds like he did already give you his answer though, and you just don’t like it.  Unfortunately you have to believe him if he says he’s “never going to” or it will be a “long time”.  That seems to be your answer right there.  He’s not gonna marry you, at least not any time soon. Maybe you need to clarify what he means by “not anytime soon…” After 2 years together, though… well…  He would know by now if he could marry you or not. 

Then again, the fact that he tells you he loves you is very promising. The divorced guy I dated couldn’t even do that. That’s a level of jaded that never gets better!!!

ETA- What you should NOT do is keep your needs to yourself. This is what I did, and I wasted so much time with him, pretending it was fine with me.  You should always be upfront about your needs in a relationship, and let him deal with the consequences. Maybe that means you can’t be together, which sucks, but it’s MUCH better to find that out now.

Post # 6
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think everyone is different.

My SO was married before for 12 years and has two children. He is a “family man” and favourite time is spent at home. His ex cheated on him and even though he tried to work on the relationship after, he couldn’t cuz it was killing him inside. Once the trust is gone – some people just never see the realtionship in the same way, others are able to recover.

We live together and been together for 2 years now, lliving together for just over a year. His children stay with us every other week due to shared custody. His ex is a very bitter pain in the butt and he will always have to deal with her due to children who are in their pre teens. 

And yet he is now at a stage of looking at E-Rings as he wants to propose this year 🙂

Just give him time. It hits everyone differently.

I was married before in my early 20’s and honestly I didn’t start to think of marriage again till late 20’s.

Post # 9
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I dated a divorced man and it was horrible. We were better off friends anyways.

Post # 10
Member
2035 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Liss13: 

 I really dont think 2 years is so long, I just wonder if Ill be waiting for 4 years….6 years…8 years…. 

Your wants and needs are equally important as your partners…It is reasonable to want a timeline and to know if he will make that final comittment that you want. You talk about being open and honest with eachother….why have you not talked to him about a marriage timeline? Relationships don’t work if both parties do not want the same outcome.If you want to be married by 2014, then you need to tell him.

 

 

Post # 11
Member
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Read thru this topic for the first time…

BOTH my Hubby-2-B and I have been married & divorced… so I can relate… and have some insight to share.

It is late here right now, so am posting this so I can find the topic again.

 

Post # 12
Member
449 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My SO’s divorced is finalized august 5th…he and I will have been together for 2 and a half years…just to give you an idea of how every man/relationship is different, I’ll give you a rundown of their marriage…

They were married 7 years before they split up…after knowing each other for two weeks, they moved in together…6 months later, she told him they needed to get married so that she could get medical insurance, so they went down to the courthouse and got married with a 100 dollar ring from walmart…2 months later, she said she wanted a better ring and told him she wanted a 10,000 dollar ring because she was worth it…he bought it…in the 7 years they were together, he worked 70-80 hours a week while she worked about 20 off and on…she wanted nice things but hated him for working so much…they eventually bought a condo and realized they couldn’t afford it so it went into foreclosure, she allowed her sister (without his knowledge because he was driving long-haul) to squat in the condo for 6 months which resulted in 25,000 dollars worth of damage to the carpet and walls…while he was long-haul, he sent her money every month to pay all the bills and every mOnth she would tell him she ran out of money because of something “important”…it resulted in eviction from 2 apartments and repo of 3 cars, again he didn’t find out until the collectors called him…they tried to have kids for 5 years, she told him the doc said she couldn’t have any…the year they separated, his dad walked in on her with another man…a month later she was pregnant with the man’s child…there is obviously A LOT more to the story, and some of it has to do with when he and I first started dating..

Anyways, SO and I have been together for two and a half years and with all the crazy shit she put him through, I NEVER thought it would go anywhere…he tells me I’m beautiful every day and how lucky he is and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me…and he took me to pick out a ring in March 🙂 he goes to therapy every month and is healing…I help him heal as much as I can…and I also know that although she jaded him over and over again, he loves me and is starting over…don’t worry, every man is capable of change and loving again 🙂

Post # 13
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

Different people need different time to heal 😉

I met my SO a couple of month before I filed for a divorce. I was on a tail end of a horrible separation and in the middle of rebound relationship. I took me around 3 years before I could talk about marriage at all. It took another year to settle down after the divorce was final (it was Hell). I was just happy I didn’t have to fight over anything anymore. Every time my SO would mention future plans I would lock up like a clam. I proposed to him after 5 years together because I realized he stood by me through everything without ever complaining and he was genuinely happy just to be with me. He gave me the space I needed and I was grateful. It took him another year to propose to me because he wanted to make sure that I had adequate time to think about tying the knot. He did the right thing. I am glad we are in our 30ies, calm and know what we both want.

Post # 14
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

It doesn’t sound like he intends to keep you waiting forever or string you along. It sounds like you guys have a healthy, solid relationship which is great 🙂 2 years of dating, even for a non divorced person, is a short amount of time for some people. Give it time, it sounds like you guys are builiding a strong foundation for a future together. 

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