Anyone deal with the loss of a sister in law?

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I am so sorry to hear of you and your husband’s loss. I have not experienced anything like that with my husband, but I know being there for him is always going to be the best course of action. Providing simple comforts always helps like food, laundry, chores, etc.

Post # 4
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@kryssbride:  I’m sorry for your loss. Nothing can take away the pain that you, your husband, and his family are feeling right now. The very best you can do is continue to be there for your husband in whatever way he needs it. Only time can make the hurt more bearable. You’ll be in my prayers. 

Post # 5
Member
1793 posts
Buzzing bee

two words for you: grief counseling.

I lost 2 of my brothers in 2006.  I was no stranger to loss – my dad died when I was 3, my mom when I was 10, I only had 1 living g’parent + a step g’parent when I was born and lost them.  I lost the aunt and uncle who raised me after my mom died.  I also lost my super awesome MIL in 2000.

In the circle of life you know and expect to lose the g’parents and eventually the parents but you never think about your siblings.  It has been 7+ years and after all the loss I’ve gone through, I still can’t put the loss of my brothers in its right place so I can move on from it.  Losing a sibling has been something I never thought about and never realized the incredible hole it would leave in my heart.  

And your in-laws losing a child?  Unimaginable to me and I am so sorry for their loss.

Everyone grieves differently, but I really encourage you guys to discuss how you feel and how you can support your DH and his family.  You are grieving too and must deal with that loss, but you also need to stand along side your husband and support him in the way he needs.

Losing my brothers was like someone kicking all the air and life out of my body (we were very close).  I can’t imagine how it must be to lose a child.

Talk a lot, don’t expect him to grieve how you grieve, and vice verse.  Tons of communication is key here.  Please consider grief counseling.  If he isn’t ready to go, you go and work on  your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Post # 6
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@kryssbride:  My sister passed away five years ago. In some ways, it was harder than losing my parents. I think it’s because we expect to face losing our parents at some point – but not our siblings. We expect to pretty much get old together. It’s just such a horrendous shock. It also brings some guilt – why them and not us? It also makes us face our own mortality – if they could die so young, so could we.

Try to support your husband and in-laws. Suck it up and go to the cemetery with him/them. Your SIL was your friend, but she was his sister and their daughter. Their grief takes precedence over yours.  That’s not to minimize yours, but do try to realize this loss is simply more to them.

I’m sorry.

Post # 7
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@kryssbride:  I just wanted to chime in and say I’m sorry for you and your husband’s loss.

Post # 10
Member
2840 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m so sorry for your loss. My husband’s brother passed away a year ago, and it has obviously been difficult dealing with it. I’ve found it’s best to take my cues from him – I’m supportive when he wants to talk about it and I try to be sensitive to things that might be extra difficult for him and his mom, like birthdays, holidays and the anniversary of his passing. It’s also helpful for me to reach out to friends to process my own feelings about it. That way, I have support to work through my own feelings and grief without asking my husband to be that support for me. You might want to consider seeking a therapist or grief counselor even of he won’t go with you. It’s important to recognize your own feelings and needs as the wife of someone who has suffered such a great loss. 

I wish you and your husband lots of peace and healing. 

Post # 11
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@kryssbride:  First off, I just want to say how sorry I am for your and your husband’s loss.

I’ve never lost a sibling, but my mom lost her sister (and best friend) twenty years ago this past May. She has never been the same. I think that’s partly because she was the eldest (her sister was the second; they have two younger brothers) and her sister’s emotional confidante. There is no doubt in my mind that my mother feels an immense amount of guilt (for the record, my Aunt committed suicide).

Mom and her brothers all did grief counseling. My older sister remembers seeing her taking anti-depressants that summer after she died (I was only 5 at the time, so I don’t remember that part). I would recommend that you both go to at least one counseling session. It could be incredibly helpful in the healing process. . . although, my Grandfather went (at the insistence of his three remaining children) and was told he didn’t need it. He has always been an incredibly emotionally and constitutionally strong person. He really was, and continues to be, the rock of the family.

Also, maybe there are ways for you guys to better communicate about this. Have you explained to him that being in the cemetery is difficult for you? Have you asked what you can do to help show them that you care and love them and want to help them heal?

Maybe you could make a compromise of some sort? For instance, if they hold a memorial service in her honor or if there will be a mass (if they are religious) of some sort where people will be asked to pray for her, maybe you could attend that and skip the cemetery visit. Or maybe you could go once in a while for special days; like a holiday visit or on her birthday.

Just try to stay calm when you guys talk. It’s an incredibly sad and emotional time in your lives right now. It’s understandable that there will be some yelling and fighting at times. . . just always remember to tell him you love him and are always there for him no matter what.

Post # 14
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@kryssbride:  I am so so sorry for your loss. I understand what a hard place you are in right now. It has been one months since my husband lost his younger brother, who was only 20 years old and had died suddenly from a bad reaction to some medication. It has been an extremely hard and difficult month for all of us and every day is different. We unfortunately lost my brother-in-law just 3 months after our wedding and so we have spent a lot of time watching our wedding video and looking at our wedding photos. But my husband and I have been spending a lot of time at my in-law’s house to try and help them through the day to day activities. I have made it my mission to be there for my husband and my in-law’s and to be the strong one when I am around them, and then when I am alone or with my family or friends do I let my feelings out. So far that has worked for us, but it could change at any time. I say to just let your grief and healing happen organically and be open to trying new things. I also think going to a grief counselor would be good for you. We have not done that yet, but we are thinking of going when the holidays get closer. 

Post # 15
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@kryssbride:  I don’t think you’re being selfish at all. Like you said, you guys simply have different ways of coping. When my Aunt died, we used to go to the cemetary with my mom a lot. She would bring our bikes with us sometimes (or something else to keep us busy) and let us play a bit – but only on the paths; she would have skinned us alive if we went onto the graves.

As time goes on you guys will go less and less to visit her grave. I haven’t actually been to “visit” my Aunt since I was very young. I don’t even remember where she was buried. It’s a bit sad, but it’s the natural course of things. It’s good that you are being so open and honest with him about how you feel about visiting the grave. It’s also really good that you are being so supportive and understanding, despite the fact that he isn’t really being fair or nice. Just keep doing the best that you can.

Post # 16
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

i agree with the bee who suggested grief counseling.  

I’ve not dealt with this issue but wanted to say I’m so sorry for your and your husband’s loss.  Prayers for your family during this difficukt time. 

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