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Well, it's only 2 hours and 45 minutes so I dont' think it's so bad. Maybe once he's there he can work out a 4/10 schedule so he doesn't work on fridays. We were LDR for like....oh, maybe 5 years total. 15 of those he was deployed. We got married and then spent the first 6 months LDR. It was not a big deal to us...it was same as ever. I have a coworker who works/lives here and his wife works/lives in Chicago where she is a professor. He said it's not like they could pay student loans for 2 off 1 salary, so they're making it work. They put a 3 year cap on it though.
How long would you be OK doing LDR? Would you move with him if you were engaged? Because I could easily see him doing this for a month and then proposing and begging you to come move in with him! What would yo do? Can you find a job there?
Frankly, I guess it's me, but I don't think you guys are that far apart =]. I"d have considered myself lucky!
I think you're being very selfless by encouraging him to take the job since you think it'll be so good to him. But i'd evaluate why you wouldn't move to be with him, since you'll now have TWO sets of living expenses again. Would putting a rock on your finger change everything? I guess I never got this concept--most of friends won't move without a rock, but I feel ike the committment was made long before the tangible ring, so I never fully comprehended it
I suppose my question would be if you guys have discussed engagement. I couldn't imagine my boyfriend feeling like he had to choose me or the job, he should say "hey, I have this great job opportunity and I want to have you also". Unless there are other specifics for not moving forward with engagement and marriage (i.e. finances). Have you had a conversation about what direction this is going into?
I must say you are in a hard position... I unfortunately had to pick living four hours away in another city or staying in the current town... It was very hard as it was like choosing my parents or him... I chose staying but not with him. When he realized that I was going to be doing my own thing, he felt he had to step up and ask me to move in with him. I agreed under the condition that we we have to have some plans for marriage.
Here we are two years later and he is finally buying my e-ring. While I understand your postion, consider speaking to him kindly along the lines of the "future" talk. You guys have been together long enough to know what your relationship can sustain. I sacraficed my college life and living my 20s but what I can tell tell you is that it has probably been the best decision I have ever made. Love conquers all.
I wish you all the best and good luck.
I totally understand where you're coming from. When my FI got into an amazing graduate program, there was no question that he would go, and he seemed to have no question that I would go with him. We'd been together for five years, and I made it clear that I needed a commitment first--a ring and a date. He was a little uncomfortable with being rushed, but it wasn't a huge deal because he was already ring shopping. I had already moved once for him, and it had worked out great, and I was happy to do it again because the school he got into was my number 1 choice (it has the #1 PhD program in the country in my subject area), but there was something that just didn't feel right. To me, it was like, "if we're so committed that we're building our lives around each other and making these decisions together, then what's the delay on the engagement?" For him, the delay was that he's the pickiest shopper ever....and he ended up proposing well before the move. But the point is, that you're not out of line--if you're building your lives around each other and making decisions together....why no ring? The feeling that you're moving backwards if he goes without you is understandable, but perhaps that will be just the impetus he needs to realize that he doesn't want to live without you. I'm so sorry you're going through this! ((HUGS))
J and I actually did have a similar conversation lately, and I told him that me planning to move with him was putting the cart before the horse. I said that even though I love him and plan to spend my life with him, that it wasn't fair to ask me to plan "our life" when there isn't an official "our life" yet. I felt a little harsh when I said that but I also think that it was the right thing to say-- since then, J's been talking a lot more about getting engaged-- last night he asked he how much I'd like for him to spend on the rings and if we'd do engagement pictures. That may not be the right approach for you and your guy, but I felt like I needed to stand up for myself as well.
yup. Mr. Berry moved 4 hours away from me a little more than a year and a half ago for a job. He had been laid off from his previous position, and because of the industry he is in, he had to take what he could get.
I freaked out about him moving, but I knew he had to follow his dreams (as corny as that sounds). I also was not willing to move with him at that point in time, for a variety of reasons (primarily my job and my unwillingness to move 4 hours away without a deeper committment). After a lot of talks and many tears (mine) we decided that we'd be long distance for a year and then re-evaluate the situation.
Fast forward a year and a half, and I have quit my job and moved in with him. And we're not engaged. Yet. I haven't pushed this issue, because I didn't want my moving here to be a bargaining chip -- he didn't force me to move here, and I'm not going to force him to propose just because I did. That said, we talked very very seriously about the state of our relationship, where it is going (and when) before I moved.
Distance is hard, but I agree that it can really solidify your feelings for each other and strengthen a relationship. I'd be careful about basing your decision solely on engagement (but trust me-- I get where you are coming from. It was one of my reasons to stay) because it's not everything. For me, it ended up being enough to know that we each intend this relationship to be permanent, and that we will be taking those steps soon.
Are there other reasons you are hesitant to move? Can you and the bf come up with a plan that has you staying behind at first, but setting an end date? Or a time to re-evaluate?
This is all I can tell you.. Mr. Tee and I have been LD for about 10 months now.. but we have been LD friends for OVER 8 years. I love him and it sucks because he is 11 hours (driving) away.. we see each other every 6-8 weeks but in the end for me it is worth it. We have talked about me moving up to Pittsburgh, in which I told him I wouldnt mind doing, but I wouldnt do it without a ring (or official engagement even without a ring).
Wow, I am so thankful for all of you! Thank you for posting so quickly! I cannot put into words how appreciative I am! I've read every word! I will give you a little more intel because I can see now that I indeed left part out - the part about me! LOL!
The reason I'm unwilling to move at this point is for several reasons, and I would love to hear your thoughts about if I'm on point or off base! So, here we go:
1. I am currently in a job that I love (I even have a second, part time job that I adore just as much!!!)
2. My little sister just moved in with us (now with me) and she can't really afford a place of her own yet (not until her friend moves here - then they can be roommates).
3. As of January of next year, I will have been at my primary job for 5 years - that means that I will be 100% vested in my 401k (VERY important to me - it's my money and I want it all!).
4. With that 5-year work anniversary, I will also receive an additional week of vacation, bringing my total to three weeks (perfect for a honeymoon, wouldn't you say?!!?!?).
5. I think I really wanted him to move by himself first (not just to make him propose), but to see if he really even likes the job that he's taken. It's his first time in his dream field, and I guess I didn't want to uproot what we had here and move and then he find out that it wasn't all he wanted it to be, you know?
To answer some of you, yes, we have talked about getting married extensively - for example: we already know who we want to stand up with us, we already know exactly the rings we want (we've already been shopping), and he's told me he wants to marry me since the SECOND WEEK of dating - imagine the frustration LOL!
If he gets up there and LOVES the job and the opportunities are still there, yes, I will definitely be open to moving up there with him - I just want us both to be sure that's where we want to be, and truthfully, I would really like the commitment of being engaged at least. I guess, I just kind of feel like it's the logical next step for us. And, there is more job opportunities there than here. I hope this helped explain from my end a bit!
This sounds very much like Mr. Pudding and me. After college, we both moved home because neither one of us were willing to immigrate without a clear idea of where we were headed (we didn't consider marriage at that point). To tell you the truth, it only took a couple of months of travel to figure out that we desperately, passionately wanted to be together. I have a feeling that after a few weeks of being away from you, Mr. Chicken Wing will do the right thing :)
@ejs4y8: Wow, you are right....when you put it that way, the distance isn't that bad. I'm sorry that you had to deal with that, but it sounds like you are super strong woman and that you handled yourself excellently!!!! Thank you so much for the perspective!
@artichokesalad: Oh yes, we have! :) I know - I don't know why he felt like he was choosing between me and the job - he said he "didn't want to leave me here alone" and that was what he was struggling with. I do think that's sweet, though....I just want him to be as happy as he can be!
@Magsalot: Aww, thank you! I'm so glad everything worked out for you and your man!
@mrsmdphd: Oh wow, are you and I relationship twins?!?!?! Your story is definitely encouraging to me and thank you very much for sharing it! I am exactly where you were - if we are making life decisions together and if you're okay with moving us to a different city, then what's the deal with being together as a married unit? Hopefully, we will be moving in the same direction as you in the next few months!
@Frustratedbird: I know, right!!! The "official our life" is what I want/need! I guess I just feel like it's been "long enough," whatever amount of time that is! Haha! I also think we're both ready to make those important decisions together and I believe that marriage is the next step!
@lisaberry: Wow, I feel better to know I'm not the only one going through something like this!! I'm glad that you and Mr. Berry have found a deeper connection that allowed you to be together, but I like the way you guys put a 1.5 year cap on it to then see where you both were at. I think Mr. CW and I might have to do that, but it might have to be shorter than 1.5 years for us! 
@TheRen: I'm telling you - I felt the same way. I guess it's because I associate the ring with the commitment. Once we take that step, we can start actively planning the wedding, and I can align moving to be with him in our "new" city to sometime around then.
@pudding: I adore you! :) I'm ecstatic that you and Mr. Pudding have gotten to be together - you two were truly meant to be, and I definitely feel that Mr. Chicken Wing and I are....who knows? Maybe this will be the catalyst we've been needing!!! I'm keeping my "wings" crossed!
There's not much to say that hasn't been covered, but I am curious with all of the great reasons you have for staying put for the time being, even if he proposed would you immediately want to move? It sounds like your reasons are very valid and would an engagement change those?
I know going from living together to long distance sounds really difficult, but having gone through it, I can say that a long distance relationship hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. Since my SO moved cross country, we've grown closer as we've had to rely completely on phone conversations to stay connected and we make more of an effort to make the time we do get together special. I'm not going to say long distance is ideal, but it IS workable.
Also, have you considered moving midway between the two places? That's another solution that isn't ideal, but if its temporary, an hour(ish) long commute for each of you could be preferable to living apart.
@ Miss Chicken Wing: I think we might be! And it really will work out, I'm sure! You've got a good head on your shoulders and you're making decisions for all the right reasons--everything will fall into place for you! I think Mr. Chicken Wing will be less than enamored with his solitary existence, and you two will start making other plans shortly--but I totally think you should stick around for the 401k and the vacation! That is NOT easy to come by! Getting time off for a wedding, etc. in a new job is a pain. in. the. badonk. Trust. I solved that by quitting my job two weeks before the wedding. OK....that's not why, but it's really very helpful. I don't know what I would do, otherwise. I'm glad you're feeling better, that's what the Hive is for!
BTW, every time I read one of your posts I get an uncontrollable urge to eat wings, and I start craving my favorite wing sauce from Quaker Steak and Lube, which we don't even have here in Nashville. Anyone have one where they live and want to help a girl out?? ;)
Good luck to you, Miss Chicken Wing! It was hard for us, but many of my reasons for staying behind were really similar to yours (work related, logistical). There is a part of me that wanted to hold out and stay where I was until we were officially engaged, but I also knew that the #1 reason I didn't (don't) have a ring yet is financial...and I'm okay with that. I'm sure it will work out great for you and Mr. CW.
@TeamAwesome: Thank you so much for validating me! :) Seriously, you guys are the best! You know, we were talking about that last night, actually! I think we are slowly getting this thing figured out. We want to get married in the city that I'm in, so we might be okay to have me live here until the wedding is planned, so technically, it might be a better idea for me to stay until we actually get married. Then, I'd be making the move to live with my HUSBAND!!! (That word rocks the most!) Thank you for sharing about your LDR - I'm happy to know that it might not be too bad. Right now, we're planning phone calls (obvi), and we might try to see how Skype works for a convo or two. Have you tried this? Are you a fan or no? I don't think I'd consider moving in between at this point...I think it's not too far away, and I like the little townhouse I'm in now, so I think I'd be more content to not have to pack up and move. Plus that would extend my commute to work, so no bueno there!
@mrsmdphd: Basically, I completely heart you! LOL! Thank you so much for the support...it's an interesting situation, but you ladies in the Hive have made me feel a WHOLE lot better about things. HAHA! I'm sorry my name/picture make you hungry! It actually makes me hungry for this INCREDIBLE fried chicken from my hometown. Not joking, it's probably HORRIBLE for you, but it's won best in the state forever! LOL! I don't believe I have a Quaker State and Lube anywhere near me, but there might be one where Mr. Chicken Wing is going! I'll look into it and get back to you! :)
@lisaberry: THANK YOU!!!! I can never say how much I appreciate your support and encouragement! I am slowly starting to believe that my situation will work out like all of yall's have - and that is completely awesome! Seriously, you guys are the best!
Miss Chicken Wing, I hadn't seen your post until now, but as another LDR in waiting, I just wanted to tell you: seriously, try Skype. It's the best invention for LDRs ever. If you don't have a webcam built into your computer, they are easy to come by and inexpensive. My laptop is two years old and didn't come with one included, so I bought an HP webcam with built in microphone, and it sits on top of my laptop screen whenever I want to vidchat. You can also use Skype for calls without video, and you can use it for instant messenger. All is free, unless you wish to have call waiting, call forwarding, etc.
Hugs on having to move into an LDR, but it isn't the end of the world. It is workable... and it sounds as though the two of you are really figuring things out. :)
FI and I are partially LDR. We live together, but about 3 months a year he travels for work. Not off and on, but for 3 straight months.
It doesn't sound bad, but I moved from my parents house into our apartment. I never really had any independence. It forced me too quickly, and I am super grateful for the experiences. I've matured a great deal because of it.
The first month he was gone was terrible. I cried a lot, spent a lot of time alone, and then one day woke up and was like "ehh, this isn't so bad." And then I was fine. He's leaving for a month next week, and although I am dreading it, I have never been more secure in our relationship. Spending the time apart made me secure.
You'll be fine - Love will find a way!
@operaghost: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! I was wondering if anyone thought that Skype was a good option or more of a pain, and I'm so glad to see it's something that works! I do have a webcam on my laptop, and so after reading your advice, I went on and created a profile! :) Thank you for the support, as well! I'm hoping we can make the best of this situation!
@Lindsay12.31.2010: Thank you for sharing that with me! I'm telling you, with the incredible amount of support that I'm receiving from you ladies in the Hive, I'm feeling more and more confident in myself and the situation. Mr. CW even commented that it was pretty cool that I had this awesome support system and "why don't they make that for guys?" LOL!
@Miss Chicken Wing: I think because yall have been through a LDR before, to you it's not a huge deal. Maybe for him, it is a big deal?? I dont know. And I've heard of PLENTY of couples who were in LDR's and got engaged etc. So it's not that you're moving backwards exactly. My gut is saying to GO GET YOUR MAN! Lol. To move to be with him. Me and my SO were in a LDR for a year and I ended up moving 3 hours away from our families to where he was and I know that was the right choice for me. You just have to follow your heart and do what you feel is the "right" thing. Granted you don't have the commitment of being engaged or a ring, but yall have stuck by eachother for this long, and that's not going to change!
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Okay, I've not asked for help yet and I've been happy playing the role of supportive bee to all of you fantastic ladies! I've really enjoyed celebrating your successes with you and encouraging you when you need to vent, so I'm hoping you'll be able to provide some encouragement for me!
I'm in a conflicted place right now in regards to my relationship. Not in the quality of it - I love my man to pieces, and we're not fighting or having a hard time at all. It's just on the matter of change.
You see, Mr. Chicken Wing and I have been dating for almost 6 years (our anni. is in April!), and this has been our arrangement thus far in our relationship:
*Grew up in different parts of the same state (hours away from each other)
*Met in college/began dating his senior year/my junior year.
*My senior year left me on campus and him in an apt. in the same city.
*I graduated, moved 4 hours away, and we made it in our LDR for a year.
*I relocated back to "our" college city, and we moved in together.
*We've lived together for a little over 3 years now.
Here's the change part I was telling you about - he just got an AMAZING job opportunity in his hometown - which is 2.75 hours from me and "our" city. I mean, it's such an incredible chance for him to excel in what he's always wanted to do - the money is right, he's got the perfect living situation, and he'll get to see his family on a regular basis (which he hasn't gotten to do in about 6 years).
He really wanted me to come with him, but I explained that I just could not relocate my life with no physical commitment from him - I won't be his girlfriend forever. He was upset because he's been so conflicted and feels that he's got to choose what's most important: his job or our relationship. I've finally convinced him that I'm not going anywhere, and I love him - I want him to take the job, because I think it will be REALLY good for him. I might not move up there as his girlfriend, but I am happy to be in an LDR again for him (as long as it's not forever).
While I'm super excited for him, and I'm choosing to look at the positives (we can do weekend trips, and visit all the places near his hometown that I've always wanted to, and I can see his family more, too), I do have a twinge of feeling like we're moving backwards.
So, here's what I want to know: Have any of you been through this or a similar situation, and how did you handle it? What did you have to do to make it work without either of you sacrificing your happiness?
I heard this quote: "Distance does to love what wind does to fire; extinguishes the weak and feeds the strong." Right now, I feel we're strong, and I guess this experience will prove or disprove it. What were your experiences with this?