Post # 1
Not a frequent poster but I need to get this out somewhere. Long story short- my amazing husband and I began dating in March of this year, we just got married in November. Our lives have come together well and life is good. Except for this tiny little issue of my needing a hysterectomy. (I’m only 26) He knew that I would need one fairly soon–I told him on our first date. It wasn’t something I was willing to wait to tell him. If it was a deal breaker, I didn’t want to get into something just to have it go away. He’s amazing with my girls and I would love to give him a baby of his own.
Now, I am two weeks out from my surgery and I feel so guilty. He has told me a million times that it is not a big deal to him, that he picked me anyway, and that he still loves my girls as his own. I am fully aware of all of this but it sucks so bad. He is such a wonderful step-dad and I know he wants to be a dad. He has been nothing but wonderful about this whole thing but somehow, I still feel like I failed him. I see him with my girls and it absolutely tears me apart knowing that he will never be able to do that with his own child.
All this being said, we are open to adoption someday and are looking into that in maybe a few years. But for now, I feel absolutely horrible and just needed to get it out to someone/something that isn’t my husband or my friends. I can only hear ït’s going to be okay” so many times, because that just pisses me off even more. To me, right now, it’s not okay….
Post # 3
Aww, honey. (((hugs!))).
I agree right now it isn’t ok, and it’s healthy to recognize it. I think it’s better to realize “This isn’t ok, this sucks!” than pretend everything is fine or even “It will be fine.”… part of it being fine eventually is having to deal with and get through the “it’s not fine” parts now and in the near future. I’m sorry people are trying to make it “all better”, I get why they do it, but I also understand how annoying it can be.
That said: You can’t have possibly failed your DH if he knew this would happen. He went into your relationship knowing this would happen and he was ok with it and loves you! Even if the situation were different and this came on suddenly it still wouldn’t be your fault, you wouldn’t be a failure or have failed him. Life is great at throwing curve balls and suprises, and that he loves you and supports you just shows you guys have a great relationship!
I hope you have a easy surgery and recovery as possible. And I hope you give yourself some slack, you’re not broken … it’s not your fault… you didn’t fail DH … he obviously loves you. I fully understand this is a loss, and something you have to deal with and likely will grieve over. Maybe even ask your doc/hospital about someone to talk to or better yet a group of women who have gone through this? Just throwing some ideas out there.
I know my response isn’t the best, but I just said what came to mind. I’m sure some ladies who have been through this will chime in with better words and advice. I just wanted you to know even if I don’t personally know what you are going through, you aren’t alone… and you didn’t fail your DH.
Post # 4
@MrsA1123: i know exactly how you feel. exactly. i met my dh 4 years after i had my hysterectomy. he had always wanted children. he would make an excellent father. he is amazing with my son (adult son). i told him right from the beginning that i could no longer have children, giving him an “out”.
i’m not sure how i would describe the feeling but yes, i know it. it’s mixed feelings of sadness, disappointment, failure and overall lack of fullfillment as a wife.
the feelings come and go but i try not to focus on it. i remember what my dh said to me years ago when i gave him his “out” opportunity. he told me that he would rather be with me and childless than to ever be without me for the sake of a potential child. he choses me.
Post # 5
@MrsA1123: I completely felt that way. I had a hysterectomy when I was 28 and two weeks later met my FI, telling him when we’d only known each other two weeks was one of the hardest things to do. We were getting serious and I had to explain why I couldn’t have sex even though I really wanted. Two weeks out of surgery is a hard time, you’re body is cramming all of menopause into two weeks. Just breathe, relax and focus on getting better. It sounds like your husband is amazing and he married you because he loves you, not because you were a potential babymaker. If you haven’t started on the hormone patch once you do you’ll notice a big change in your moods, that and just healing and being able to get back to your life.
Belive it or not you have come through the worst of it. Give your poor body a chance to figure out what direction it’s going. I talked a few times with a counselor which was great (I also tried a support group but that was made up of older women and so it wasn’t a good fit).
Wish you the best!
(You probably aren’t feeling it right now, but I can tell you that having a hysterectomy was the best decision I ever made.)
Post # 6
Big hugs, darling girl. I think I can understand where you are coming from. He clearly loves you and yours unconditionally – uterus or no uterus! You are a lucky woman, when you wake up and he is sitting there right beside you hopefully you will feel a little more settled. Hope everything goes smoothly!
Post # 7
@MrsA1123: You’re amazing. I have not been through this, unlike you and the other wonderfully brave bees who have posted. However, my FI and his sister were adopted and their dad feels so much like their father and they would never consider him anything other than their true father. While adoption may not technically be his own blood, from what I have seen it does not matter. They are still their child, through and through.
Post # 8
Thanks for the replies, ladies. I read @renwoman:‘s reply and got confused for a second- looking back at my post, I’m an idiot– I haven’t had my surgery yet. I am having it in two weeks, on the 30th. I apologize for that!
The kind words mean a lot, though. Thanks 🙂