anyone else ever feel like they failed their DH?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
975 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Aww, honey.  (((hugs!))).

I agree right now it isn’t ok, and it’s healthy to recognize it.  I think it’s better to realize “This isn’t ok, this sucks!” than pretend everything is fine or even “It will be fine.”… part of it being fine eventually is having to deal with and get through the “it’s not fine” parts now and in the near future.  I’m sorry people are trying to make it “all better”, I get why they do it, but I also understand how annoying it can be.

That said:  You can’t have possibly failed your DH if he knew this would happen.  He went into your relationship knowing this would happen and he was ok with it and loves you!  Even if the situation were different and this came on suddenly it still wouldn’t be your fault, you wouldn’t be a failure or have failed him.  Life is great at throwing curve balls and suprises, and that he loves you and supports you just shows you guys have a great relationship!

I hope you have a easy surgery and recovery as possible.  And I hope you give yourself some slack, you’re not broken … it’s not your fault… you didn’t fail DH … he obviously loves you.  I fully understand this is a loss, and something you have to deal with and likely will grieve over.  Maybe even ask your doc/hospital about someone to talk to or better yet a group of women who have gone through this?  Just throwing some ideas out there.

I know my response isn’t the best, but I just said what came to mind.  I’m sure some ladies who have been through this will chime in with better words and advice.  I just wanted you to know even if I don’t personally know what you are going through, you aren’t alone… and you didn’t fail your DH.

 

Post # 4
Member
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@MrsA1123:  i know exactly how you feel.  exactly.  i met my dh 4 years after i had my hysterectomy.   he had always wanted children.  he would make an excellent father.  he is amazing with my son (adult son).  i told him right from the beginning that i could no longer have children, giving him an “out”.

i’m not sure how i would describe the feeling but yes, i know it.  it’s mixed feelings of sadness, disappointment, failure and overall lack of fullfillment as a wife. 

the feelings come and go but i try not to focus on it.  i remember what my dh said to me years ago when i gave him his “out” opportunity.  he told me that he would rather be with me and childless than to ever be without me for the sake of a potential child.  he choses me.

 

Post # 5
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@MrsA1123:  I completely felt that way.  I had a hysterectomy when I was 28 and two weeks later met my FI, telling him when we’d only known each other two weeks was one of the hardest things to do.  We were getting serious and I had to explain why I couldn’t have sex even though I really wanted.  Two weeks out of surgery is a hard time, you’re body is cramming all of menopause into two weeks.  Just breathe, relax and focus on getting better.  It sounds like your husband is amazing and he married you because he loves you, not because you were a potential babymaker.  If you haven’t started on the hormone patch once you do you’ll notice a big change in your moods, that and just healing and being able to get back to your life.  

 

Belive it or not you have come through the worst of it.  Give your poor body a chance to figure out what direction it’s going.  I talked a few times with a counselor which was great (I also tried a support group but that was made up of older women and so it wasn’t a good fit).

 

Wish you the best!

 

(You probably aren’t feeling it right now, but I can tell you that having a hysterectomy was the best decision I ever made.)

 

Post # 6
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Big hugs, darling girl. I think I can understand where you are coming from. He clearly loves you and yours unconditionally – uterus or no uterus! You are a lucky woman, when you wake up and he is sitting there right beside you hopefully you will feel a little more settled. Hope everything goes smoothly!

Post # 7
Member
1083 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@MrsA1123:  You’re amazing. I have not been through this, unlike you and the other wonderfully brave bees who have posted. However, my FI and his sister were adopted and their dad feels so much like their father and they would never consider him anything other than their true father. While adoption may not technically be his own blood, from what I have seen it does not matter. They are still their child, through and through.

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