(Closed) Anyone else experience ageism after getting engaged?

posted 5 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I am 24 also and will be just shy of 25 when we get married. I am so sorry you’ve experienced comments like this. I’ve been very lucky that I haven’t (at least not to my face anyway). I think the reason I’ve been able to avoid it is because my family is full of divorces (seriously, only 1 couple still married) so I don’t think they feel like they can give me marriage advice. My FI’s family, on the other hand, is full of long, wonderful marriages. BUT almost all of them were 4-5 years younger than us when they got married, so they don’t think we’re too young at all! I’m sure some people have made comments behind my back, but I’ve been fortunate that no one has said anything to my face. I do know that there are a few people who disapprove of our age because of things they said pre-engagement, but no one has brought it up since the ring.

 

I’m not really sure why people feel the need to imply that others are too young or too old to be getting married. Especially when it’s people that don’t really know you (Now, if someone who really knew me thought I was too young/not ready for marriage, that is something I would take very seriously). For people who don’t really know you though, I think it’s just based on premature judgments and maybe people passing on that knowledge are doing so because of a personal mistake they feel like they’ve made. There has to be a source of the bitterness and hateful attitude, right? I don’t know. It just makes me sad.

 

I have a friend who got married at 20. When I was 20, I was NO WHERE near ready for marriage, but she and her husband have been married almost 5 years and have a beautiful 1-year-old son. She was ready then. So everyone is just different. I wish more people would respect that.

Post # 4
Member
9612 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I am just short of 23, will be just shy of 25 when we get married, and have experienced the ageism a LOT. Not at all in real life, just on weddingbee. The only thing that I get in real life to do with my age is people being understanding/happy when they know it is a long engagement, but that is more to do with where FI and I are now with work/studies/finances than to do with our age.

Post # 5
Member
983 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think it matters what age you get married…as long as the two of you can support yourselves with work/finances and keep a home together with both incomes.  I’m 38, and was on my own with 2 kids for a few years on 1 salary. Its tough.  Just my advice, make sure you are financially stable before getting married, or at least be able to pay for your needs before your wants. 

Post # 6
Member
4722 posts
Honey bee

I was engaged at 19 and will be married at 21 and haven’t heard a single negative comment except on the Bee. None of it has actually been directed at me yet, but I’m sure it will eventually. The only thing people around here tell me is to finish school first. 

Post # 7
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

I’m 21 and will be almost 23 when I get married. In real life I haven’t heard any negative comments. But on the Bee, I do see it a lot. None of it was directed towards me but sometime it still sticks to see such negativity.

Post # 8
Member
6360 posts
Bee Keeper

Only indirectly. I’m in my early 30s, and this is when my FI and I chose to engaged, and I felt great about that… before coming on the bee.

According to the bee, I’m an “old bride” and “behind”!! ….um, thanks….

In my real life this in’t true at all, this is an average age for brides to marry, but it was a real shocker when I realized that the bee is in a whole other reality, in which this is supposedly “late”!!!

Post # 9
Member
1411 posts
Bumble bee

I’m in my 30s and I get age-ism all the time.  I think it’s mainly because I’ve always looked really young for my age (which I HATED in my 20s and always tried to look “older”) so I’ve gotten many catty comments from women with things like “oh you’re so young and still inexperienced, you don’t know what you’re doing yet so wait to get married until you’re at least in your 30s. Stop being so desperate to get hitched!”  I AM over 30 already!  It was really annoying at first to get such age-ist comments, but now I just chalk it up to that it’s other people’s own internal issues that they’re merely projecting onto me and to not take it personally.   

But it’s still annoying at times to get comments like that from people when all you want is for everyone to be happy for you when you’re really happy. >:P  So I completely empathize!

Post # 10
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

It doesn’t matter what the topic is, but people feel they have the right to comment on your life.  This is even worse about major milestones like marriage, children, and buying a home.

 

It doesn’t matter how old you are, someone will find something to criticize.

You’re 19? Reckless and irresponsible.

You’re 29? Oh, your bio-clock must be ticking and you must be getting desperate.

You’re 39? Oh, why bother, who’d want to marry you in your decrepid state?

You’re 49? Oh, he’s just trying to get your house, right? Or you’re trying to get his retirement savings?

 

Comes to buying a home? You should use this realtor, this inspector, you paid too much in closing, you didn’t negotiate enough, your new front door color is hideous, your garden should be further from your patio, you walk in close needs more space.

 

Comes to babies? Oh, you’re too young, you’re practically a child yourself! You’re too old, your children will have birth defects (I actually had a neighbor tell me that, at the age of 28, I better hurry up with babies so I don’t have “retards”. Seriously. WTF!?). You spaced them too far out, they’ll be like only children.  You need to have one of each. You shouldn’t cry it out.  You shouldn’t spoil them and respond to their every beck and call.

 

I completely understand how you feel. I’m the last of my friends to get married, and I’m already the oldest among them.  They may not mean to say things, but some of them do sting.  I’ve been using them to question my own insecurities and realizing that I am perfectly happy with the decisions I am making. They are at the right time for ME and for HIM. That’s all that matters.  I hope you can get to a point where these things don’t phase you so much; I hope you can find a place where they’re just one of many things that give you the opportunity to commit to your choices, each and every day, and feel proud of them.  They are what YOU’VE decided. And they make you happy.  And every negative comment is a possibility to say that to someone else.

Post # 11
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@mordantmaxim:  +1,

Different people have different ideas of what the “right” age to get married is. So I think almost everyone will experience comments related to their age when they go through the wedding process. I agree it’s annoying and not their business! I think if a vendor asked me or my SO our age I would less-than-politely decline to state 🙂

Post # 12
Member
3053 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I’ve actually had the opposite, I’ve gotten it in RL but not on here. I’m gonna be 24 in May. We’re not engaged yet, we’ve been together almost 2 years (in May) & living together for 1. Our timeline is that we’ll get engaged around the 2 1/2 year mark & married around the 4 1/2 year mark….decent, right? My mom keeps saying “there’s no hurry, why are you rushing, you’ve got plenty of time”, my best friend avoids the topic other than saying “you’re crazy, you don’t need to be thinking about that now” & my cousin was like “well I’ve been with my SO for 7 years and we haven’t even TALKED about getting married”….for real??? just stfu. I’m GRATEFUL for the bee because I can’t even talk about my ring that we’re making with anyone except my other best friend. ugh

Post # 13
Member
2227 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Maybe it’s because I don’t really advertise my age but I’ve never had a problem on the bee. Most acquaintences or strangers would slide those comments in though. I just rolled my eyes: I really don’t care what they think!

Our close friends and family know that we’d been together for a little over 3 years, how great our relationship and were happy for us.  We got engaged at 20 & 23 respectively. We were married at 22 & 25. I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Post # 15
Member
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@joya_aspera:  I think it depends on where you live. No one would dream of getting married in their early 20’s where I’m from. It’s the time when you discover yourself and really start living your life. Not the time to settle down. Since coming on the Bee I have found that parts of the states marry very young. There is nothing wrong with that but it’s not for me. I’m glad I waited (until I was 33), and yes I too have been told I’m old but I just laugh. I have the rest of my life to be part of a married couple.

Post # 16
Member
899 posts
Busy bee

Wow, I’m sorry you’re going through this, the more I’ve gotten into the hive recently I’ve noticed a lot of rude remarks too.

I’ll only be 21 when I’m married I was 19 when I got engaged. I haven’t shared my age often here on the hive but in real life we’ve got a lot of support. Occasionally people “point out” that were young but I have never been offended by it.

What you’re talking about it definitely ageism. I don’t know why people have to be so mean, I’m going to assume that those people were at a totally different place in their life at your age, when they picture themselves getting married at the time they think it’s crazy.

 My mom was married at 31 and I’m going to be married at 21 but she knows I’m ready. At work I work with a group much older than me like 30’s-50’s and they agree that I’m mature for my age and they’re so excited for my wedding.

Who cares what people think! You’re going to be a bride! The day of everyone is going to be so happy for you, all eyes will be on you, you have to own it! It’s once in a lifetime.

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