(Closed) Anyone else feel an insane amount of guilt during the planning process?!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

Yes.  That’s really all I can say.  Immense guilt.  Sooo much money.  All for five hours of one Friday evening.  I could never have gotten this far if I knew my parents (who are paying for everything) were using savings or loans or charging all of these expenses.  Thank god they had this money to use whatever way they wanted.  You’re so, so, SO not alone.  Good god, just read my other emotional post from earlier today!! Guilt! Shame! Regret! Sadness!  Anxiety!! Whew.  I thought this was supposed to be super fun and fairy tale-esque!!

Post # 4
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@maylove2012:  I think it’s wrong to ASK for money form anyone.  If you can’t cover it yourself, make some cutbacks somewhere.  If they offer the money, then it’s a gift, but to ask or expect I persoanlly feel is inconsiderate.  Scale back your wedding expectations to accomodate what you CAN afford, then if more money is offered later, then upgrade or add on the things you want.

We had to cut our candy buffet ($500), our coctail hour($3000) to allow for more guests as our guest list outgrew our budget.  Our coctail portion will now be snacks vs food, and 2 signature drinks free vs an open bar for an hour, costing us about $300 in alcohol, and my mom’s sisters are taking care of the food for us.

Post # 5
Member
1925 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Absolutely.  My parents are INSISTING on giving us some money for the wedding but I KNOW they can’t afford it.  It eats me up inside!  My FI’s parents are generously giving us $5000 (which pays for half of our wedding) and my FI and I are planning on picking up the rest of the tab (which is all we can really afford, we’re both graduate students).  My parents realllly don’t have a lot of money–my dad is on Social Security and my mom is a house cleaner.  I wish they would just not give me any money, I don’t want to feel guilty about it!!! My friends keep telling me to let them pay, that they’ll be hurt if I don’t accept their money.  Arghhhh damn guilt!

Makes ya just wish weddings were cheaper!!!  But, to be fair, my FI and I wanted to spend a maximum of $500 on our wedding and get married in San Francisco City Hall, but both sets of parents vetoed it due to guest list limitations.

Post # 6
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Even though we’re paying for the wedding ourselves, I feel an insane amount of guilt over spending this money on a wedding instead of something more practical.  Call it the by-product of an immigrant guilt.

It’s interesting, though – I bet my dad thinks that he’s helping me to pay for the wedding.  He ended up giving us a check for $10k.  But he owes me about $40k from money that he was supposed to pay me, but never did (and it’s be very difficult and costly to litigate).  I don’t view his gift as gift but rather settling part of what he owes me.

Post # 8
Member
1866 posts
Buzzing bee

@maylove2012:  I don’t feel guilty like you do, but it’s only b/c my FH and I are paying for the entire wedding ourselves (with the exception of FH’s parents paying for the rehearsal dinner and late night snacks).  

I would not ask your fiance’s mother if she can contribute any more than she already is.  Or your parents for that matter.  As other posters have said, unless you and your FH can pay for the difference yourselves, I think you should make cutbacks instead of asking other people to shell out for you.  

Post # 9
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I suppose I’m alone in this, but FI and I were both married before at the courthouse. When we got together, we vowed that if we were getting married we wouldn’t do it until we could have the ceremony/party we both never had in our first marraiges. We saved our tax refund and have been contributing about 10% of our monthly pay to the budget for 3 months and this has been enough. We both couldn’t be happier and I look at it as being a day that we both treasure forever.

Post # 10
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

we paid for eerything ourselves and the whole wedding came up to slightly over 8K so we didnt experience any guilt

Post # 12
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@maylove2012:  Oh, well in that case, she did sort of offer something, so then it’s her desire to help.

I just disagree with people expecting parents to ship in, and asking for the money.  mY parents were the same way, I told them what we had decided to do becasue of xyz, and they offered to pay more for certain things.  Like we were not going to have a rehersal dinner, just some drinks at the hotel as a group.  BUt they wanted the dinner, so we are BBQing steaks and chicken, having some salads and drinks now, parents are paying the $400 tab on it.  Same with the cocktail snacks, we were going to nix it competlety but my mom spoke with her sisters, who have been on her case constantly about  what they can help with, so for us, a win win!

Post # 13
Member
894 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I feel the same way. The thing is my dad really doesn’t have the money but is insistant on paying what he calls “his half” of the wedding (FI and I are paying the rest). He actually makes decent money but, is not very good with budgeting his money. My FI’s parents told us to let them know if we needed anything and that they were more than willing to help with whatever we needed. I ran this idea by my dad and he said he wanted to take care of what he could and not to ask them for anything besides the rehearsal dinner. He took a loan out of his 401k and has been putting away money weekly. The only thing that makes me feel a little better about this is the fact that he “wastes” more than this a year in gambling usually. He is the one that brought that up. He said this is money that he wastes every week/year any way so at least it is going to something worth while. My FI and I have actually decided that we are going to surprise him with a 55″ flat screen TV to show our thanks. He and my sister’s boyfriend are going to head over to his place before the rehearsal dinner (after he has left) to set up the TV and hang a thank you banner from it. I will give him his cuff links and frame at the rehearsal dinner when everyone else gets their gifts so he won’t be expecting it at all. And I know it’s something he would like to have but would never buy for himself (mainly because he is too busy going to Atlantic City, lol). But, even after typing out all of this and having him reassure me and sort of justify it all I still feel incredibly guilty and sick to my stomach just thinking about it all and unfortunately I don’t think it will ever go away.

Post # 14
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

I felt the same way. Super guilty. And it really took away a lot of the happiness I should have felt.

Post # 14
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Yes, I definitely feel this. My parents are paying for the vast majority of the wedding, and although we’re doing our best to keep costs to a minimum, planning a farly traditional wedding adds up fast. What makes it easier for us is that the money they are using is money set aside for me from when I was little. It was inititally intended for college, I believe, but I got a full ride, and now it’s being used for the wedding. So for me, I just keep reminding myself that in a way I earned this by getting that scholarship. Still, it’s just so much money for one night, no matter how much DIY, etc!

Post # 15
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Is it wrong to ask if she’s able to contribute more to the wedding budget

yes it is wrong!

if you are over budget and feel bad about the money your parents are spending then cut the budget or come up with the money yourself.  please do not ask your FMIL for money

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