Post # 1
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 1 year and 9 months. We’ve been living together for 2 months. I’ll be 30 soon and my boyfriend is 32. I think hearing all of this the general consensus is “what’s the rush?” “just be patient” and “you haven’t been together for that long.” I guess I’m just looking for a place to talk to others who may be able to relate.
In the Midwest where I live it’s very common to marry somewhat young. All of my close friends are engaged, married, or have kids (my best friend actually just had her second baby). I do have one close friend who isn’t engaged, but her and her boyfriend are okay with that and currently putting offers on houses together (so they’re in a very serious relationship).
This year I’ll be a bridesmaid in two weddings and one of them is for my little sister who is 5 years younger than me- which is great, I’m very happy for her! I just want to reiterate that I don’t want to get married because everyone else is, I’ve found the person I love more than anyone else on this planet and I see a future with them.
I strongly relate to the familiar quote: “When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” I want to get engaged, get a dog together like we talked about, move to a warmer climate we’ve dreamed about moving to, buy a home, and perhaps even start a family at some point. At this age I’m genuinely tired of “dating.” I know you should “date” your significant other forever, but what I mean is being stuck in this awkward in-between state of being in a serious relationship, but not into the next level of commitment.
We’ve talked about marriage before and he said he does see a future with me and wants to marry me, but he’s not ready for that next step quite yet and wants to enjoy what we currently have (like not having the financial constraints of planning a wedding, enjoying our new apartment together, etc…).
I’ve actually decided to take the advice of my counselor, friends, and family and just stop talking about it because he’s starting to feel a little worn down from me always bringing it up and being pressured.
So here I am. Just feeling down right now and putting this whole engagement thing on the back burner.
Post # 2
Okay here is the thing about “the rest of your life”. It’s already here! It’s started! You JUST moved in together and haven’t even gotten to really enjoy that step in your relationship before you’re trying to move on to the next step. And the thing is, even if you get married tomorrow, it won’t change anything at all. You’ll have a piece of paper to pull out of the drawer but your day to day life will not be at all different than it is this very moment.
I get that you have a lot of things you want to do but it does seem kind of like a rush to start ticking these boxes off like tasks that need to be completed rather than really sitting back and enjoying the seasons your relationship is in.
Post # 3
slomotion : I respectfully disagree, that piece of paper and the commitment in front of your family and friends can change everything.
OP-you can try to lay off the talk but be careful it doesn’t make you miserable in the end. This is why you bring it up before moving in together.
Post # 4
courtney550 : unpopular opinion here—I’d bring it up one last time, but be sure to reach a definite conclusion. By “definite conclusion” I mean getting an answer to the following questions:
a.) do you want to get married TO ME?
b.) what is the timeline on making that commitment?
b1.) if we are not at least planning to be engaged in the next 6-12 months, then when?
b2.) how long until you are comfortable being actually married (not engaged)?
On the bright side, you’ve discussed this with him before, so one more time won’t kill him. Assure him that you want his honest answer to each of these concerns and there is absolutely no pressure correlated to the conversation. You genuinely just need to know for your own sanity.
After you get your answers, proceed with your life accordingly. If he can’t give you the answers you’re looking for, then that is an answer in itself.
Post # 5
courtney550 : That quote also resonates strongly with me.
I feel that everyone’s unique relationships make a difference, as well as age. For instance, if a 20 yr. old told me they had been dating a year and 9 months, I might think to myself “why the rush?”, but in your 30’s it is a different story. You have more life experience in the way of relationships, careers, ‘adulting’, and just general life experience. Sure, there are some 30-year-olds in the world who aren’t very mature. But who cares–this is about YOU, your SO, and YOUR relationship. You guys know if you are ready. I second what some other bees said–communicate as clearly as you can with your SO, make sure he knows how you feel. It is a big decision that effects both of you.
Side note, I find the “what’s the rush” response pretty rude. It’s up to you and your SO, not anyone else.
Post # 6
I understand, it was laways my boyfriend that was crazy about me so I though he would propose too soon and it will be awkward, but then years passed and nothing. After 4 years I was quite sad and I told him I dont know if I can change all my ife for him, if we are not even married (I moved to a different country for him). It took a while and many uncomfortable talks before we both knew where we stad. And he proposed some time after these talks which obvioulsy wasnt even a surprise for me anymore. But I am happy how it turned out because now we are both ready and happy about the commitment. I guess a time comes when you need to talk about these things and make decisions.
Post # 7
courtney550 : Have you two talked about timelines? When does he see getting married, having kids, etc? Ideally you’d have discussed that stuff before moving in together to make sure you were on the same page, but c’est la vie. I’d start there. You need to figure out whether he actually wants to commit and needs more time for a specific reason or if he’s stringing you along.