Post # 1
Perhaps it’s because I was just watching "The Breakup", but I just realized that I’m frustrated with my fiance for not helping with my never-ending invitation project. And yet, I have never asked him to help. And to further the matter, I’m not sure that I’d accept his help if he offered. I have seven (7!) bridesmaids, and I’m suffering from such perfectionism (completely unlike me) that I don’t trust anyone, even them, to help me with anything. And while I realize that the only thing to blame for all of this is my own neuroses, I can’t help but take it out on my fiance. Poor guy. Just as in "The Breakup", I want him to help, but even more than that, I want him to want to help, but then I don’t want his help.
Is anyone else experiencing this brand of crazy? It’s exhausting, isn’t it??
Post # 3
Hmm, I think planning in general has turned me into a crazy, moody, emotional person, especially towards my fiance. It just feels as if I’m constantly annoyed by him. I know it’s stress of planning.
… and he really does try hard to do things that he thinks is helping … but I get mad b/c the poor guy doesn’t say the right thing … and I’m like WHAT THAT IS THE WEDDING COLOR A POP OF COLOR … OMG HAVEN’T YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION. Lol.
Post # 4
I don’t really experience it in the same way…but I’m kind of weird in that I’ll come across an idea I think is kind of cool (but I’m definitely not attached to it!), send it off to him to look at, he’ll say "ugh", and I’ll get incredibly defensive and end up hurt that he didn’t like it.
Post # 5
when we first got engaged and i went into "planning a wedding" mode my FI frustrated the heck out of me!
he just didnt care about colours, invites, flowers, cakes ect. whatever you want makes me happy was his response
of course in hindsight, before he slipped the ring on my finger i would never had asked him his opinion on the colour of flowers and does he think these shoe straps are nice so sitting back after the blowups i wonder why i thought he would start being interested in this stuff all of a sudden
hence why we threw everything out the window and did a redo – much happier once i lowered my expectations on his involvement
Post # 6
Heh. Isn’t it strange?? I just tried imagining my FI being more involved and opinionated, and I’m sure that I would hate that, as well! I suppose that there’s just no pleasing a bride-to-be, in some aspects. And now is when I realize that I need to start watching "Bridezillas" to make myself feel better.
Speaking of becoming completely crazy during wedding planning, I’ve found that whenever I’m stressed out, pictures of baby bunnies make me feel all cozy and better. It’s gotten to the point that when I’m frustrated, I find myself muttering, "Baby bunnies, baby bunnies, baby bunnies," to myself. I am a CRAZY person!!
Post # 7
I went through that when we first moved in together. THEN I had a moment of clarity….he’s not doing what I want/think he should be doing because he doesn’t know that it’s important to me.
We had a talk, I told him my concerns…he was all "Oh, okay…well if you WANT me to help with cleaning the house before my family comes over, just tell me", okay, there I was all assuming that if we were having guests he would go into clean-freak mode like I do….notsomuch.
Let your FI know in a nice (but firm) way what it is you want him to help out with. I know my guy likes to have specifics (vacuum the living room & dust the coffee table). He may just need something specific to do and will most likely be more than happy to do it.
I know what you mean by "wanting him to want to do it", but I also know Mr H enough to know that…well he’d rather go for a ride on his motorcycle when he gets home from work, so if I want him to do something, or help me with something, I know now that I have to ask him…..and he’ll do it…..then we get out our helmets and head out for a ride.
Post # 8
You’re absolutely right, happilywaiting. I have given my FI tasks along the way that he has taken on enthusiastically and effectively – after I assigned them to him very clearly. The things that I wish that I had his help with are the things that I have single handedly made more difficult for myself. E.g.: We don’t need to buy $6 invitations! I can make the exact same thing for under a dollar – even though I am by no means a graphic artist and my mediums are limited to a glue stick and paper. Oh, how I envy all of you Gocco girls!
Post # 9
You know, I struggle with this from time to time.
I chalk it up to being overwhelmed and stressed out by being thrown into a world of things so unfamiliar and unnecessary (in my everyday life up to this point) that I kind of don’t know what to do.
I know he doesn’t know what to do either. I think guys assume that women have been dreaming of this their whole lives and they’re preprogrammed to know how to align every detail into the perfect wedding without their help.
I made sure I told him that this just isn’t the case with me. I made it clear that this wedding isn’t MY DAY, it’s our day, and I will not be planning this thing all on my lonesome (of course I said it in a nice way with sweet smiles and gentle tones because I love him dearly)….and once he knew where I was coming from he was open to help me as much as he can. I don’t expect him to pick out what napkin fabric we should use, but color and style and those kinds of things, we’re deciding together.
That way the result really is an expression of US as a unit rather than my best efforts in trying to visually describe our relationship with flowers and ribbons.
They’ll help, you just have to let them. Explain how you feel.
When I say that I don’t mean "wail at the top of your lungs if he says ‘that’s nice honey’ without looking away from the tv at what you’re holding up".
Try to make it fun for him. Find a way to help him understand why this is important. The more connected he feels to the project, the more interested he’ll be. Sometimes I think guys just don’t want to interfere with "our days".
Post # 10
We’ve definitely been making an effort to make our wedding very "us", but rather than finding common ground on every decision, we’ve each chosen the aspects that suit us and have worked on them individually. That is: Anything involving music is all his, and most things involving aesthetic is up to me. I’m really not trying to harp on my FI here – just more so my inability to delegate. But I assure you, during my little meltdowns (only two so far!), my FI is very quick to identify what it is that is overwhelming me and then take it upon himself to take care of it. I’m a very lucky girl, which I try to remind myself of every time I’m geting cranky because of wedding planning.
Post # 11
Haha. I’ve definitely had my cranky moments!
I was trying to quit smoking but that’s definitely going to have to wait until the day of!
Post # 12
Oh gosh, well at least you have the benefit of being very articulate about your crasiness, Lexatron!
I went through something very similar while planning my wedding–I wouldn’t let anyone really help because it was almost harder to let someone else go forth and interpret my instructions than it was to just do everything myself. I came to the final two weeks before the wedding and knew that I wasn’t going to be a very fun person for anyone to be around if I didn’t start to lower my expectations of myself and my vision. Truth be told, if I had been more of a constant hag about details then our wedding might have been more beautiful–VISUALLY. But there’s really nothing you can do about a bride with an ugly spirit and THAT I didn’t want. I had to rely on the help of others for self preservation (my husband was keen on this idea too as it meant he didn’t have to do everything I couldn’t!)
And I remember more than one occaision of meltdown sobs over dinner saying "I can’t bear all of these responsibilities all on my own" to which I received the response "So why are you?" Damn my husband and his simple clarity!
Post # 13
@ West Coast Bride: Wow. You’re husband is wise! I seriously had a moment of clarity when I read your response! I suppose that I could reply, "I have to make our invitations because I already ordered all of the supplies and we can’t afford to redo this," making it a very, "You made your bed, and now you have to lay in it," type of situation, but that won’t get our invitations out, will it? Invitations aside, there has been other projects that I have freaked out about (read: "I… *sob*… can’t… *sob*… do it! *sob*), and my FI has sweetly suggested other simpler options. Men and their simplicity are so complementary to us women. 🙂
Post # 14
Lexatron – I could have written that very same post!! I am with you 100%!! I too have 7 bridesmaids and have only had them help on a very few things because I am such a perfectionist and don’t want them to fold something just a tad bit off. I have also spent hours frustrated with my dear future husband becuase he wasn’t offering his help (but I wouldn’t have let him anyway!) Now, here we are a mere 10 days before the wedding and I have a huge list of things that still need to be done (DIY things – YIKES!!!).
My advice to you – get those BM’s involved with helping you! I wish I would have had them all doing something. If I had, I wouldn’t be so stressed out right now!!! There’s a compromise that you’ll need to make in order to keep your sanity in the home stretch – it’s letting go of the perfectionism! Noone else will notice if the corner is a little off (well, noone besides you!). The girls want to help, let them. The guy doesn’t want to help, let him off the hook. I wish I would have!!!!!