Post # 1
Hi Bees. Im just frustrated and need to vent. I dont know what is wrong (with me or him) but FI and I seem to be arguing a lot lately. We have a lot going on (we’re both in school- he just started a masters program and Im trying to finish up my PhD, we’re in a new state- and just spent 6 months apart, and on top of it we’re paying for the wedding ourselves- and it’s in 5+ months) but every time I bring something wedding related up, he either turns the idea down or says “whatever will make you happy”. So not helpful. I dont know if I’m being irrational or not. He promised he would help plan the wedding- because it is about us- but somehow he has gotten all this “advice” to stay out of it and leave it to me. Yesterday I found out that I can use a roundtrip ticket I have for 2 one ways for us to get to the wedding (its out of state for us) and save us about $400. I thought he’d be excited- but instead he starts thinking about using them as honeymoon flights instead. Ok fine. But I need to know because there are only so many flights that we can book on reward tickets- and right now they are open. He’s in charge of the honeymoon- one of the ONLY things- and so I said, this airline doesnt fly anywhere we had talked about- where do you want to honeymoon. And he tells me that he cant talk to me about it because I’m too “amped up”. WTF? I was like- ????. And he said, ” I dont know – we’ll go where ever you want to”- Because I need to plan that too now?? I started feeling like he doesnt want to get married- which I know isnt true- I just am really frustrated and in a new place with no friends- feeling really isolated and everytime I try to talk to him about anything wedding related he doesnt want to because he needs to relax. What about me??? If I’m not writing my thesis, I’m wedding planning- because it NEEDS to get done. We are just over 5 months out and still havent booked a photographer, videographer (which he insits we have), DJ, florist, or hair person. OR honeymoon. I just dont get how he thinks it’ll get done without it getting planned! Then ON TOP of all of that- his parents offered to help us out some with the wedding months ago- but because we cant talk face-to-face in person he wont ask them what that means- or how much they are able to help… and now is talking about us taking out more LOANS rather than accept his parents help! He is really close to them, and I know that they are able to help- so WTF? I just dont get it. Am I overreacting or is he slacking? Is anyone else having issues getting their previously willing FI to help plan and take some of the load off?
Post # 3
Really no one else is fighting more with FI? Am I really alone on this one?
Post # 4
@OneLove04210: We’re “squabbling” occassionally, but not about anything as serious as this. Btw I am a student also.
Our squabbles are more focused on registry items to be honest…like what color items we’re going to place in rooms.
I also get that “whatever makes you happy line” which drives me batty, but I try not to get too hurt by it. I think weddings create unnecessary drama. He just wants to get into the marriage part of it, and I completely understand. Once everything returns to normal I will be much happier.
Mr. Polar Bear also doesn’t like to plan btw…which is completely opposite of me (I have the next 2-4 years planned out already). That can be a tough situation, because if you let it it could lead to brawls; that however is why I chose an all-inclusive place so that we don’t have to worry about a ton of little things.
Good luck to you and I hope he gets his act together.
Post # 5
I think it’s more the time of day that this got posted. I bet if you bump in the evening, you’ll get more responses.
I’m really sorry that you FI is acting like this; maybe one of the engaged or married bees can relate and give helpful tips. 🙂
Post # 6
It sounds like you guys both have a lot going on in your lives, and he’s not really contributing much because he’s gotten all this “advice” about how he shouldn’t be involved. I know rewards flights book really fast so if I were you, I’d book those flights to where your wedding is right now. Then write up a list of things that you need to tackle, and tell him which of these you are going to take care of, and which of them you think he should do (ex: you book the photog/videographer, florist, and hair/makeup, and he books the DJ and the honeymoon). He’ll have a concrete thing that he has to do as far as wedding planning and you might feel better about his involvement in the wedding.
Post # 7
In short YES!
I could write a 10 page complaint but mainly becasue he dosn’t plan anything and whenever I ask his opinion he either says he dosn’t want to talk about it or he dosn’t care and then I just do what I want and after I tell him what I’ve planned he get’s angry becasue it’s not his way, well no shit, it’s not! GRRRR.
Post # 8
I’ve definitely noticed tension between us lately. I’m not a student, but my FI is…so I’ve kind of let him off the hook of helping me plan as much. Now that we have 3 months left, and things are getting even more crazy, I find that I’m resenting him a bit that I’m doing everything by myself. I’ve been real snappy with him lately, which will cause arguments. It stinks cause we never used to bicker so much, but the important thing is I realize this is just all coming from stress and once the wedding is over, our lives should calm down.
I also get the ‘whatever you want’ line. Makes me wanna SCREAM! Like, can’t you make a decision for once?! Does everything have to be left up to me??? We started off in this together, but it very quickly turned into MY project. Which is a hard project to keep up with when my initial plan was to just hop a plane to vegas…
Just keep in mind, there’s certain things you don’t necessarily NEED. Like, if he’s the one insisting on a videographer, then that’s something he needs to worry about. And if he never gets around to booking one, oh well…
Sorry, I dont have much advice to give, but I would definitely keep pushing him to talk to his parents. this is definitely a time where any help (big or small) comes in handy!
Post # 9
Yes over stupid stuff like RSVPs and our 1st dance.
Post # 10
Thank you all! I just really was starting to feel like it was just me… and I really wanted to bump this tonight, but I’m sortof keeping the boards completely to myself- and if I was on it at night, it’d be my luck that this would be the one thing he got involved in…and then no more venting for me!
@Atalanta:I totally get the him being upset that its not his way after you gave him the option and he didnt want to talk about it…. so infuriating.
@lindz629: I completely get the- just wanted to jump on a plane to vegas. When we started all this we wrote a list of what mattered the most- and somehow it went from Ceremony and Honeymoon with a small intimate family gathering to inviting 180 ish peple and not even having money for the Honeymoon. Other than the ceremony I told him the Honeymoon was the most important thing to me- because it really is the start of our lives together- and somehow the budget for it has disappeared in the sea of “we need to make sure everyone has a good time at the reception”- I even suggested having no DJ- since I’ve basically already made a huge song list of songs to play- and we have access to a sound system… nope. We can’t NOT have a DJ??? WHAT???
@Pomapoo: I know that he’s doing what he’s doing because of the “advice” its just frustrating because I did give him a task to take care of- it was look up videographers and think of where you want to go on the honeymoon. Yeah.. nada. He gave up looking up videographers when the ones he liked were more than 5x our budget- but still insits that we have one… and the honeymoon. So then, I said ok fine. I need you to think of what the groomsmen want to wear- just a color- so that we can decide on the color scheme. Yeah. No. I finally decided on the colors for the wedding by myself- which unfortunately is not what I have ever pictured… It’s going to be beautiful- it’s just not what I imagined.
Sigh. I just really needed to vent. And somehow it helps hearing that I’m not the only one. Especially since I’m now litterally by myself almost all day everyday and my friends and BMs are all in a different time zone- it’s only an hour…but it makes a difference. Thanks girls!
Post # 11
I found myself getting very frustrated and resentful towards my FI a few months back when we still had a lot of planning to do and he was not taking the initiative to do anything himself. I should mention I work full time and he is currently unemployed, which added to my resentfulness. I eventually snapped and told him that I needed him to take a more active role in planning so that I wouldn’t get overwhelmed. It wasn’t the most graceful way to ask for help, but it seemed to work.
I have found that if I want FI to do something for the wedding I have to tell him exactly what I want him to do. When we were looking at DJs, I gave him four names and told him I needed him to call them that day and ask about pricing. It was a clear request, not unreasonable, and something he is interested in. It feels a little like giving him homework, but this way he knows what I feel needs to get done and he can find ways to help.
I would tell your FI how stressed planning is making you feel and ask him to put more effort into giving you feedback and planning things. He may not understand all the things that need to get done or how long it takes to get all of these things done.
Good luck, I hope you feel less stressed soon!
Post # 12
I don’t have any advice, but I just wanted to say that you are definitely not alone. My godsister got married last July, and the very first thing she said about planning the wedding (after the fact, of course) was: “I’m so glad it’s over! [Husband] and I have never fought so much over anything before; I almost wanted to break up with him at times.” And she wasn’t joking.
Post # 13
FI was frustrated with me a little because I haven’t done the hemming on his pants..it has been 4 months since I told him I would..so he wanted to take it to a tailor to do it…anyways..i’ve been busy so it got shoved drown my to-do list. 🙂
I’m in school finishing up my research paper and preparing for a comprehensive example while working full time and 5+ months from the wedding! It has taken a toll on me. Seeing me stress, FI stepped up to help a bit. I noticed it works better when I am specific on what I needed done and give him a reasonable timeline. I asked him to create and print out he save the date by end of this month..and they’re on their way to us! After that, I asked him to look for our first dance song and we found something we both like…he even youtube for videos we can learn the dances from. Guys really don’t want to make the big decisions when it comes to wedding, but giving them a list of things and showing them how you want done will help them get started. Hope this helps.