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I just found out that my momhas let several guests "change their minds" about coming to the wedding - the rsvp date has past a long time ago, the vendors given final head counts, the seating chart is done and submitted, the place cards calligraphed and sent off. She even told me that I should add extra tables for all of the other the guests who rsvp-d "no" - and add all of their names to the seating chart and place cards- just in case they decide to come! She seems to think a wedding is like a dinner party - come whenever, pull up a chair, etc! Nevermind the fact that we have to pay for each chair, chair cover, sash, linens, tables, centerpieces, blah blah, for each these guests, whether they show up or not! Nevermind the fact that most of these people rsvp'd no for very good reasons (spinal surgery the week before, in europe, lives in a different country, etc)!
AUGHHH!! She's driving me nuts!
When I suggested to my mom that the guest list was getting really long (Since she kept adding people) she said 'well I can't cut anyone...can you cut anyone off your list?" ITS. MY. WEDDING.
my mom just called me old (i'm almost 26) and let into me for not having a religious ceremony.
don't even get me started, shortie, i could write a book. but trust me, despite her pissing me off first thing when i saw her on my wedding day (i swear it's like her job), i still had a great time and so will you.
ooh girl! my mom has done it all. i'm like mrs. greentea.. i could write a book. no, i could write a library! and my mom ALSO pissed me off on my wedding day (several times).
alas..even though i still have bad memories (i did not really have the best time) i'm so thankful its over. just remember. you have mr. shortcake and that's all that matters! the wedding fuss will be over before you know it.
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My mom has made some crazy requests too...constant stream of guests coming out of the woodwork, and the rsvp is on Saturday. Le sigh.
Is your mom paying for the wedding? If she's willing to foot the bill for these guests, you might have to let her. If it's your money she's throwing around though, put your foot down. But make her do most of the footwork. Figure out when is the latest you can make any amendments to your guest list, add 1 week and set that as the "last call" rsvp date. It sounds like these people changed their rsvps from "no" to "maybe." Tell your mom to call again shortly before the "last call" rsvp to see if they're really coming. Given the reasons you stated, I'm guessing they won't show in the end anyway.
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I think mothers are made to make brides hate their wedding day. I got in a huge screaming fight with mine in the parking lot of the bridal store the other day.
Most ridiculous statement of the fight.
"Well I'm paying for it so don't I get a say?" (In reference to my not wanting to wear a veil and not cover up a tattoo on my back)
I am having a really hard time with her lately. Most of the stuff I don't care about but I would actually like to look like some version of myself on my wedding day.
I feel your pain.
Mine hasn't been crazy mean yet ... just crazy. Our wedding is still 16 months away and my mother called me at work yesterday to ask me a really REALLY important question ... "What kind of SHOES are you going to wear?!?! You really NEED to start looking into shoes!!"
I dont even have a dress yet!! Hahaha. She's a loon!
well let me put it that way.. you need an extra table for people that rsvp-ed NO there is always odd balls that just show up.. so your mom is right about that..
(i hope you included band, photographer and all those folks that apparently need to eat too) lol
my family kept giving double invites to people... gave me wrong addresses... listed the same people twice.. and kept asking "why so and so didn't get an invite in mail" which drove me crazy because I don't for USPS!!!
Just to make you feel better I have to tell you that EVERY wedding is a headache no matter how well you plan it.. it's just the fact that you are dealing with bunch of people that makes it so hard, so just let it be and keep saying OK and smile and do your own thing.
My mom started early with the crazy, but she's in a calm period now so I am just breathing deeply until it starts up again. I can't decide what was worse-- when she loudly made fun of half the dresses I tried on at a high-end salon, or when she vetoed FI's and my favorite venue because she thought her friends would find it "cheap and tacky." (It was neither.) Then there is the constant griping about us not having a religious ceremony-- she has thrown at least two crying hissyfits about that, and there have been countless hectoring phone calls on top of that.
You're not alone, shortie! I think some moms just go in crazy overdrive when their daughters get married.
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My mom is inviting all her friends to the wedding when I wasn't planning on inviting them. I don't know them well! FYI- she isn't paying for the wedding, FI and I are! And now she's begging me to include them because she already asked them, she's driving me crazy!
Relatives thinking that its a weekend picnic is so common its rediculous!!!
Too late now, but there are always bound to be more crazy relatives who just SHOW UP ANYWAY without an invitation!!! That's what your Maid of Honor & Groomsman's job is for! Catching the Wedding Crashers - and directing them to the right table!
You might want to have an "Emergency Table" set up - some extra folding chairs & a card table set up in the farthest corner, a cooler with canned drinks, paper plates/plastic cups & some cold sandwiches picked up at your local CostCo or SamsClub...because if these people are going to treat it like a picnic, at least you accomodate them like their at one!
This would at least help keep them from sitting in someone else seat, and displace one of your "real" guests!
gwinky: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. My MOH suggested that I treat it as the goverenment would - if people are trying to RSVP late, they have to pay a late penalty! HAHAH
My mom is the opposite. It's like she forgets I'm getting married. I brought my wedding dress to her house and tried it on, she asks "what is that?!". Uhh...my wedding dress. She's already bought her tickets to our destination wedding but she acts like I'm not getting married. Weird.
How many people are we talking about (for the ones who have already "changed their minds"?) It is a good idea to have an extra table, no matter what. There is no way that you should plan on everybody who RSVP'd as NO showing up though. And I kind of wonder what is really going on... if I was a guest who couldn't come, and ran into your mom, and she was sort of pressuring me, who knows what I might say. I would think that, unless you can really trust your mom at this point (probably not) you need to call these people yourself and see what's up. Maybe they just gave your mom the impression that their plans might change... if you let them know, nicely, that there seems to be some confusion about whether they can attend - you had thought not, from their RSVP, but your mom seems to think otherwise - maybe you can get this straightened out. For us, everyone who actually RSVP'd as NO did NOT show up. A few people who didn't RSVP at all, and had to be called, did end up coming.
As far as your mom - they're all crazy, to one extent or another. Even the best of them lose it when it comes to weddings. Probably she just really wants everybody there to see her baby married, and it's affecting her brain chemistry in weird ways. My mom was periodically nuts throughout the planning, and weirdly detached the last three or four days, and a real trooper for the actual event. Which is what realyl matters, right? (I keep telling myself.)
This actually happened to me, as a guest at my cousin's wedding! My 2 other cousins and I had to be put at a different table, b/c of last minute guests!! Well the three of us, pretty much kept to ourselves since we didn't know the other half of the random table. (I think they were my other cousin's wife's best friends and godmothers!-yeah you heard that right....the bride's brother's wife invited her FAMILY in addition to HER friends and so forth!)
I love crazy mom stories!
When we were first engaged and discussing having an outdoor wedding I brought up the cost of table and chair rentals, linens, etc. My mom was like "What? Can't we just ask people to bring chairs?"
And catering: "Can't we just ask people to bring a dish to pass?"
It's like she never noticed -- in all the hundred or so weddings she's been to (and I also attended) -- that she never once has been asked to bring her own chair and meal.
Oh well. Smile and nod. Resist the urge to give the look that asks, incredulously, "are you mental?"
It isn't my mom who's crazy so much as FMIL.
We asked her for her guest list soon after we got engaged. She sent us a sizable list, which we budgeted for, and we didn't hear anything about it for a year. Suddenly, one day, she sends me a list of 30 extra people, some of whom FI doesn't even know or even know who they are! I try explaining to her that we didn't budget for these extra guests, and besides there's no room at the reception venue. "Oh, they won't come anyway," she insists. "FI's cousin invited over 300 people and it worked out perfectly," she says. I firmly say no. Turns out she just felt she needed to invite whoever FI's cousin invited.
A few weeks ago, FI's aunts throw us a shower. Lo and behold, 11 people off the list of people we declined to invite send us gifts or attend the shower. Now we have to invite them to the wedding. And as for none of these people coming? Well, it's FMIL's friends who are adding uninvited +1's to their rsvp cards.
I can't wait to see how this turns out!
My mother is nuts -- all of the stories above totally ring true. Anyone have any great ideas of how to somehow protect myself from getting horribly stressed every time I have to talk to her? Is there a way to preserve the zen? Any suggestions?
@GypsyRose: I think we all go through this in one way or another. My mom's gone off her rocker a couple of times. Once she offered to pay us to elope because "your father hates weddings and will leave as soon as the portraits are done." Another time she told me that it's "disgusting" to plan a wedding that costs more than $1000 bucks.
For the first couple of months, I couldn't talk to her about wedding stuff without feeling like I was going to cry, but finally I learned how to pull away from the drama. I don't bring up wedding stuff with her unless I feel ready to deal with whatever she's going to throw at me. The result is that I'm usually in a good place when I call her up to talk about something, and we've actually been getting along quite well.
As for extra guests, I figure that since she's paying for it, she can bring whoever she wants. So what if I don't know them? It will make her feel comfortable and happy and proud, and it's the least I can do.
I just hope that we ALL remember this 25 years from now, when our little girls are getting ready to walk down the aisle. Let's make a pact now that we'll just give them the money and BACK OFF! :)
I'm having boys too! Hahaha.
I've got similar and opposite problems at the same time. On the one (bigger) hand....I just wish my mom would act a bit more excited. She acts like it's just another graduation party she's planning. She complains about the cost of everything to the point that i'm ending up paying for a sizeable part of it since she makes me feel so bad. But then she plans extra things like feeding all of my family's out of town guests on friday night instead of hanging out with my future in-laws and us....she has no problem, by the way, paying for THAT expense. My wedding is on Saturday this week and I have to take everything over to the reception hall on Thursday....since that's her day to watch my niece, she isn't helping me (she is completely obsessed with her grandchild and could care less about anything else). The priest almost cancelled our wedding due to his own bad scheduling for an out of town conference and then said he wouldn't be able to do our counseling classes two months before the wedding and told us to find someone else....and she defends HIM instead of agreeing with us that it's a crappy situation. I have not enjoyed a single aspect of planning this with her. My fiance and I agree that we should have just eloped or had a backyard wedding in OUR backyard, rather than making it more convenient for her (we live an hour and a half away from her, and we're having the wedding in her town so it'd be easier for her to help plan with us....she hasn't helped at all). I am just so disappointed because I was hoping my wedding would bring us closer, and i've ended up being so disappointed in her that I can't wait till the wedding's over so I don't have to see her for a long time. All those posts saying their mothers pissed them off on their wedding days have me very nervous though......I really hope that doesn't happen or it might be the last straw for me. Is it normal to need counseling after your big day???? Ugh!
@gracielou: Don't worry. I know how hard it is to feel like your mom isn't excited for your wedding. Maybe you could talk to her about it. But, if she's like my mom, you might have to try what I did - just don't expect enthusiasm from her. You have to learn how NOT to share. At first, I wanted to call my mom every time I made a decision, because I was excited and wanted to be giddy about it with her. But some moms (and dads!) simply feel burdened by wedding planning, and want nothing to do with it. It sucks, but that's how it is. Since I've accepted that, I've had a much easier time. The only time I talk with her about wedding stuff is when I'm already firm in my thoughts and I'm prepared for some crankiness or guilt-tripping. I just say to myself: "Okay, she's going to poo-poo this idea that I'm really excited about." And then, for some amazing reason, it doesn't hurt so much when she does!
I thought wedding planning would be a fun time for us, too, but now I'm realizing that when a mom is investing - financially, emotionally, or any other way - in the most important day of her daughter's life, there's bound to be drama. It's too bad we're not all wealthy enough to pay for our own weddings! :)
Thanks wiglet! It feels so good to have someone affirm what I'm going through. The wedding is on Saturday (eek!) and i'm just trying to enjoy what I can! No expectations, just like you said. Thanks for understanding.
Mine is Saturday too, gracielou. I'm so glad it's finally here. Wedding planning alone is enough to make me never get divorced.
Haha, I always joke with the hubby that next time I'm not doing all this work and I'm eloping instead. He doesn't find it amusing, hahaha.
My mom can do the wierdest things too. She is already asking me if she could invite some of her coworkers whom I've never ever met and live several states away. And she asked if she could bring her ex boyfriend (my mom has been widowed for 9 years now) because she didn't want to walk down the aisle alone. (um mom YOU"RE not walking down the aisle!)
One of my coworkers and good friend was a Mother of the Groom recently. She's a wonderful person. And had a beautiful venue that was in her family that could have been used for son's reception--was already the site they decided for the ceremony. It was on a big lake, and very very pretty BNB. The MOB (mom of bride) refused to have it there because she'd have to rent chairs, and maybe have to a tent for the reception. Before she cancelled having the reception at the Bed N Breakfast (the wedding itself was held outside), she asked if she could BUY A TENT FROM WALMART (like one for maybe 10-15 people at a backyard bbq) for the reception.
Then she cancelled that, and she chose a church a few miles away for the reception site. Imagine. Wedding at a beautiful lakeside bed and breakfast and not using the same event space for the reception? When it was practically free? My friend the MOG was a bit ummm like this> and 
.
But their wedding turned out BEAUTIFUL...gorgeous pictures and the bride was lovely and there was no tent meant for say 10 people in a backyard cookout and all was fine in the end.
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Congratulations btw to Gracielou and Jeeyol!
May no mama drama fall your way.
Have a wonderful week and the greatest weekend ever!
My mom just told me that she has a list of things to do each day (I have no idea what's on these lists....it scares me a touch), and on Saturday it says "Keep bride calm".....Hopefully that means she won't fight with me, hahaha. For now I"m just trying to sweeten her up by overly thanking her for "all she's doing" which is basically nothing, but whatever it takes, right? If she starts to drive me nuts, I'll just get someone to run interference. Good luck Jeeyol!!! And thank you, bellenga!
Today my mom told me that I don't need to worry about what we are serving for dinner at the wedding and just to let her handle it. It was really nice and generous and all except for ITS OUR FREAKING WEDDING!
Kill. Me. Now.
Oh man....that sucks! My mom wouldn't let us pick cajun green beans as a side option because "a lot of people don't like things that are spicy"....it's actually HER who doesn't like things that are spicy, and there was a second option that wasn't. We gave in. You SHOULD worry about your dinner though....don't let her do that one. Tell her gracielou will lay the smack down on your behalf. How do you think she'd like an anonymous phone call from an angry bee? Hahaha
Haha your mom sounds just like mine. The funny part of all of this is we were trying to save her money. We should start a card company for bridezilla moms.
Dear mom,
Thanks for everything you have done with the wedding,
but please back off!
love,
your bee
Perhaps I am just having a "the grass is always greener...." moment, but I would love to have my mother intervening with crazy antics throughout my wedding planning process. (My mother passed away when I was in college, so I am tackling the wedding planning much on my own.) I don't want to be too much of a downer, but I'd like to urge everyone to try and give their moms a little bit of a break. Yes, it is your big day...but it's a huge milestone in your mom's life as well.
I remember my sister being very upset when our mom invited many of her coworkers to my sister's wedding. These coworkers were "strangers" who my sister had never met. Months later, however, when my mom's cancer got worse, these ladies were a tremendous sense of support to my mom and my family. They cooked meals for us, ran errands for us, and frequently stopped by with flowers or presents to brighten my mom's last days. Three years later, my sisters and I still keeps in touch with these women who were once "strangers."
I guess my point is to try and keep everything in perspective. These are very special times...not only for you and your fiance, but also for you and your parents (crazy mothers included!) Plus, you can think about it this way...if they are a little too involved, it's only because they care about you. Here's hoping you all give your mother a great big hug and let her know how much you appreciate her on your wedding day. No matter how batty she's driving you now...in 20 years, I doubt you'll regret it!
After reading some of these posts I realize that mine's not too bad but when I told her I didn't want to invite her best friend from elementary school, her husband and 3 kids because it means I have to cut 5 of my friends that are important to me off the list. She said so. And when I responded but it's my wedding and I would like the people that are important to me there she told me "Oh don't start with the It's my wedding sh#t"....I"ve realized long ago it's her wedding.
Ugh...my mom. I thought she would be real excited about helping me with the wedding planning but she shows zero interest, when I ask her for advice or opinions she makes me feel like it is a chore. Then she randomly has the weirdest ideas...like having everyone in the bridal party have eyeshadow that matchs the bridesmaid dresses (dark teal)...and gets upset with me when I am less than enthused.
Wow @ all these crazy mom stories! Mine was very laid back before the planning started. I can't tell you how many times I heard "This is your big day and I want you to have what you want." But as soon as FI and I started making decisions, everything changed. She wanted us to have the wedding site of our dreams, and when we found it, she was full of snippy little comments. I sent her pictures and she pointed out everything that might make it a terrible wedding. I think 2 or 3 days later after she'd calmed down, she called and said "It looks very nice" and that was it. I was so happy that weekend, FI and I found our place, but I just felt like crying after talking to her about it. And it's continuing with every decision. "I know how important photography is to you! I want you to find the best, your pictures will be beautiful!" When we booked the photog (of my dreams) and I expressed my excitement to her, she said "I can't even imagine what you agreed to pay those people...I don't think you needed to book them, there are already plenty of pictures of the two of you." And back when we decided to have a Friday wedding instead of a Saturday (for many reasons...main one being that it would be more convenient for out-of-town guests, mostly our entire guest list), she was quiet for a long time and then said "I don't want this wedding to be tacky." It's really sad because it's making me talk with her about the planning a lot less, and as her only daughter I thought this would be a wonderful, exciting time for us.
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I am so glad I found this. I CAN'T keep getting into fights with my mother like this. It makes me physically ill. She is completely irrational and since my dad doesn't want to get involved he doesn't talk to me.
I don't get it because my brother just got married and 10 guests showed up that didn't RSVP and weren't invited. She had to move people around and it made everyone sick. My aunt who has lived with us since I was born got booted from the head table and was pissed!! I was mad too!
She is asian and keeps saying, "oh Thai people will bring whoever" No, uh mom they can't. I'm sorry for the FYI but you can't just bring random people. So after explaining this too her she told me "I'm not coming and I'm calling all my friends and tell them not to come" What? Irrational. I don't know how to deal with an irrational mother.
I didn't want the big wedding, I didn't want to have all the hoopla, and 100% this is her wedding not mine. I put my foot down and then she refuses to speak to me. It's like I'm dealing with a brick wall. I understand the fact that she's my mother and she's been waiting for this day and blah blah blah but c'mon seriously. She invited 100 people herself. 1/2 I don't know. Its the asian culture of saving face and me being a show pony and I'm so sick of it. I do not want children at my wedding, honestly, I don't want them there. The invitations say adult only and she still is insisting that children come.
Any ideas? it's not exciting for me and that makes me sad
My mother calls me at least five times a day to tell me such vital information as "I just want you to remember that everyone we invite to the wedding is a guest." Ummm...as opposed to???
My engagement party was this weekend and she called me THREE times to tell me to wear shoes. Seriously??? Do I usually show up places barefoot?? Its ridiculous!
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Every bride that has a living mother has a crazy mother.
My mother's brand o' craziness is to criticize - quite harshly - certain of the ideas that I propose, only to get totally on board with them some time later and pile on the suggestions about how to go about getting them done as if she never had a problem with them. But she's been doing this my whole life - the wedding planning process is just bringing the tendency out more. However, she has been invaluable in the planning process; I'm very, VERY grateful to have her on board.
I think the wedding planning process is crazy-making for many moms because it's an official acknowledgement that their children are officially grown up - and if their children are fully grown up, then what are they needed for? Harshing ideas proposed by their kids (especially their daughters) is an attempt to assert their superiority - if you're wrong and your mom is right, she's still The Mom. Many moms also view their kids' weddings as a reflection of their own social selves - if things aren't PERFECT, their images will suffer. Now, throw in the fact that many of our moms had their weddings planned by their moms, and expected to do the same for their daughters some day, and you have a recipe for insanity.
Of course, I firmly believe that weddings make people crazy. They just do. Some brands of craziness are difficult or impossible to get over; a bride or groom who sends thank-you notes saying, "Thanks for the gift, but it's not what we wanted, so we returned it for cash," are just tacky. But garden-variety craziness? Par for the course.
Is this crazy, when i talk about my wedding shes keeps saying you guys should just elope. Does that mean she doesnt want to attend?? Shes to worried about her weed habit? I dont understand how that stuff can make someone go all crazy for the stuff.
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