Anyone else have a disappointing mother's day? *LONG*VENT*

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
9529 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Aw! I’m sorry you’re having such a crummy time with your mother. I think there are two separate issues here and they need to be handled differently:

  1. Your mom’s relationship with your sister/BIL/niece/nephew: Notice that you are not included in that list. This part isn’t your business, so I’d stay out of it. Your mom is making the choice to keep babysitting and that’s her choice. Your BIL is acting like a jerk about it and that’s his choice. The niece and nephew are just being kids. Let them work it out between themselves, but stay out of it
  2. Your relationship with your mom. This is where you are invested and should work to make things better. First, I’d let your mom know that while you’re seeing her frequently, you don’t feel like you’re really getting quality time together. Let her know that you would like to connect with her more. It’s okay to want to talk about the wedding sometimes, but she may not realize that is something you want, unless you ask for it. Maybe ask if you two can go out and look at florists together, or something like that. Talk about her hobbies. Or have lunch and ask that you guys talk about anything other than your niece/nephew – frame it like parents that go out to dinner and don’t discuss the kids so that they can maintain a relationship beyond being parents. However you do it, you have to ask for it or she won’t know that you’re hurting or how to make it better.
Post # 3
Member
3047 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Oh wow… your BIL sounds awful. Instead of being grateful for all the trouble and money your mum saves them he uses his kids as a pawn?! I also find it very worrisome that your sister is putting up with it.

<br /> Now, for your problem – I understand that it must be frustrating to hear all these complaints when nothing ever changes. Can you just tell your mum flat out that you’re tired of it all and ask her to stick to other subjects when you’re spending time together? I realize that’s a little blunt, but if she doesn’t get that this isn’t your favourite subject perhaps she needs a wakeup call. I mean, it probably will do her good to focus on something else for once! Perhaps the two of you can go and do something nice together as well, so that you show her that you appreciate her… she sounds like a person that is giving more than she’s receiving.

Post # 4
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Honestly, these are small children who it sounds like have a shithead father. Try to remember that your mom is trying to be there for them, because their Dad isn’t. You are grown, and you just don’t need her like they need positive adult role models. It might not be fair to you, but I think this is one of those situations where you have to try to remember that she’s juyst trying to do the right thing by them…this isn’t intended as a personal slight to you, and it certainly doesn’t mean that she prefers them to you.

Post # 5
Member
42460 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Not many parents take kindly to their children telling them how to live their life. I suggest you back off and let your Mom live hers. Put yourself in her position. How would you feel having your decisions second guessed by a daughter with little life experience (relative to hers) and no children of her own?

Tell your Mom that you are missing some one-on- one time and plan something for a day when she is not babysitting.

Post # 6
Member
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

You’re raised, about to start a new family of your own.  Your Bil is a shit …well and so is your sister.  Your Mom feels an obligation to the grandchildren, they actually do need her.  Your mother doesn’t need therapy, she needs your sister to get a jerk amputated from her.  Maybe you could help out with your niece and nephew, go with your Mom over there instead of picking her apart.  She’s making a difference in their lives, just like she did in yours.  Of course your BIL is pulling the you can’t see them card, he knows she won’t let that happen. I think if you spend some time helping her out a bit, you can see her point.  She’s never going to just walk away from those kids. You don’t really need much from her now.   

Post # 8
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Wow, I don’t think you sound like a spoiled brat at all. That situation would irritate and stress me out as well and I would feel similarly hurt that my mom seems to care more for her grandkids than she does for her actual kids.

You might try having an honest talk with your mom about specific things she does that hurt you, and sticking to “I feel” statements like: “I feel really bad when we’re having a convo and you walk away in the middle to play with the kids. It makes me feel like I am not important to you, and plus, I think it’s teaching the kids that they are the center of the world and their concerns always trump everyone elses’, which is going to cause problems in the future”.

If you say general, accusatory things like, “you spend too much time with the kids and ignore me!” she’s just going to brush it off as jealousy and also get defensive.

As for whether or not your mom quits babysitting, you can make your feelings known but then you have to lay off. Your mom is going to do what she will, and even if you did convince her to quit, she’s as likely to start resenting you for forcing her to leave her beloved grandkids to the mercy of cruel BIL as to thank you for freeing her from babysitting slavery.

Post # 11
Member
42460 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

TGold:  If your Mom has been like this since you were in the 4th or 6th grade,  chances are she’s not going to change.

The only things  you can change are your expectations and your reactions.

Post # 11
Member
7195 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If your sister lets her husband talk to your mother like that – she might be a “good parent” but she’s a sh*tty person.

I agree your mother needs to call their bluff. But in the end, all you can do is advise you mother (and father), then it’s her decision what to do.

Post # 13
Member
5192 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

TGold:  I’m sorry that you are dealing with this.  For the record, I don’t think that you’re being a brat and I could see why this is upsetting.  As much as it’s great that your mom is so in love with her grandkids, she shouldn’t let that make you feel like you are unimporant to her.  I can completely understand why you’d feel that way.  I mean goodness, it’s just poor form to have someone constantly steer the conversation or constantly take off mid-conversation.

I agree with you though, that there isnt’ much you can do to change the situation.  It sounds like you’ve made it clear to her how you feel (I assume you’ve had calm discussions about this in the past).  But you can’t change her.  Just try to learn not to take it personally.  Hopefully she’ll come around.

Post # 14
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

TGold:  Just wanted to say your not a bad person! I felt the same way a few months ago. DH and I had just got back from our DW wedding which she wouldn’t attend bc it was in Mexico & ya know, drugs… So we got together to show her our pictures from the trip & wedding (which we had on slideshow at our reception a few hours earlier that she had no idea was there). Her first and only grandkid is downstairs in the parking lot playing ball with his mom, dad, and multiple aunts/uncles/cousins- all within view of the balcony we were on. Every few minutes in the middle of us talking to her about a picture or adventure we did she would interrupt us, yell down at the grandson something like “grandma saw that cutie pie” or “make sure he doesnt get hit by a car guys”… It really just made me want to packup and leave- I doubt she heard a thing we said the entire time…. And we are in the same boat, we only see our family once or twice a year whereas she sees her grandson almost every other week for days at a time… It’s annoying but I’m just hoping it will get better when she either 1) has more grandkids, or 2)he gets older…. 

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors