Post # 1
I thank video gaming for keeping my long distance relationship going when i was away my first year of law school – b/c I didnt have to worry about him being at a bar or club instead he was home alone gaming on the computer! I still admire the game for catching his attention and keeping him away from risky FH activities like bars and stuff with buddies. Anyways, we live together & of course I notice just how much he actually plays. It’s fine b/c I get a lot of me time, helps keep him busy when I am studying during the law school semester and gives me plenty of opportunities to go out with the girls b/c I am not just gonna sit there at home when it’s him who doesnt want to go out. Anyways, I can get annoying sometimes – our schedules for the evenings tend to revolve around his gaming schedule ( which is fine) but seriously it can get annoying. Anyone else dealing with a gamer and have any tips for not taking your guy away from gaming and keeping yourself busy?
Mainly I have gotten annoyed b/c he tells me he doesnt have time to run his wedding errands but he has three hours a night to play on the computer – I was lucky to get him out this weekend to run his errands ( I crammed tux, cake and invitations all in to the same day, to make him pay for his lackluster attention previously) however I had to plan it two weeks in advance!!!!!
Anyways, enough bitching – anyone else on this boat?
Post # 3
I actually used to be a hardcore gamer myself, and it was really, really hard to break away from it, especially if the games are online and involve other people — if that’s the case, then time away is time that other people are progressing without you.
Have you sat him down to voice some of your frustrations? Saying something like, "How can you not have time to do XYZ when you spend 3 hours playing [insert game name here]?" It’s honestly pretty easy to develop a dependence on gaming to where it’s hard for you to walk away from it. If you’ve confronted him about it, what has he said?
Anyway, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I wish I could be more comforting but, having been there, I guess I know how hard a habit this can be to break, especially if there’s no real motivation for him to do so right now.
Post # 4
Oh man, Guava, I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. My guy was big into MMORPGS the first year we were together, and then eventually gave up the paid ones for a fairly nice unpaid one we play together. That first year, though, if he was running the right mission, I could have draped myself naked over his keyboard and he would have just told me to move because I was interrupting his skill chain.
So yeah, I am very blessed to have him a little less into it now, but he still talks games CONSTANTLY, especially the ones we play together. "Baby, I was thinking about your Guild Wars character, do you want to get this obscure weapon with these abilities, or would you rather hunt down this elite skill in order to achieve this certain build…" and I just don’t care! I run around and kill the monsters with him because it’s a nice way to spend time in together, not because I’m super into it. 🙂
Post # 5
Unfortunately this is something we argue about too. FI gets off work before I do, sometimes anywhere up to five hours before I get home depending on his schedule that day. I’ve asked him to get in most of his gaming time then, as when I get home, we only have about three hours to spend together before we have to go to bed, and I want to spend time with HIM, not staring at his back as he plays. I give him more slack on the weekends, because frankly I like having him play, I can do things on my own.
There are benefits to having a gaming fiance, but sometimes it can feel like he loves the games more than me!
Post # 6
Luckily, FI is just a mild gamer, and only games on occasion, and if I want him off, he’ll get off whatever he’s doing. He has a weekly D&D game on Sundays, which is great because it a. gets him out of the house for a day so I can chill and b. is mostly a social occasion for he and his closest friends. He plays games when they come out that he likes (I think right now he’s waiting for BioShock II), and he used to play some Warcraft, but doesn’t like to sit around for pc games (thank goodness!) so he’s pretty much given those up. I’m ok with it all because back in high school I was a gamer, but I got bored with it all once I got to college, but the nerdy aspect is fine with me! I’ve known friends of mine that played a lot of pc games and they had the issue that you have, the scheduling of nightly events- that kind of thing isn’t good, I’ve had a lot of friends screw up their college life and social life by being overly glued to their pc screen! It’s mostly the Warcraft/FF people too, that schedule "raids" and crap- I let loose on an addicted friend of mine one time on how insanely immature and ridiculous it is to prioritize your social schedule so that gaming is on top- he was holed up in his room half of college and ended up getting booted after a year or two! If FI did that I’d nip it in the bud, hah it would drive me looney!
Post # 7
Lol, not only does my husband game… so do I! Right now you say that his gaming doesn’t bother you because you are really busy with other things (wedding planning, school, girl’s nights, etc…) but is it going to bother you in the future? When you are done with school and done with wedding planning, it seems like the amount of time he spends gaming might actually affect your relationship negatively.
My advice is that you need to sit down together and look at his gaming schedule. Is it 3 hours every night of the week (Sun-Sat)? Or 3 hours every night plus extra time on weekend days? Some of it depends on what he’s playing because there’s certain games are hard to play in smaller chunks of time. But in that case he might be able to play for hours 2-3 nights a week or just on weekends instead of every single night. If he’s playing enough that it seems like a part-time job, I would say something needs to change. Part of getting married is putting the relationship first, and he’s not going to have much time to spend with you on his current schedule. Be supportive, but make him understand that you’re not trying to take away his hobbies, you just want more time together because you love him THAT much. You’re still supportive of his interests, but you want the relationship to be one of those interests, too.
My other suggestion is to try to get involved in his gaming. It might seem dumb or boring to you right now, but really listen to him explain the game and why it appeals to him. You might be surprised by how fun it is once you get on! Really the important thing is just to not dismiss his interests, but let him know that you want to spend time with him, too. 🙂
Post # 8
I actually gamed with him once. When I was away, and seriously we played together for seven hours ( I can even get his attention to converse on the phone for more than 10 minutes, so that was awesome!) It does bother me however it has its positive points like I mentioned. I have told him and he simply thinks that spending time together is like being in the same room – he’s gaming and Im watching TV or DIY’ing something. He plays Sundays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and sometimes some extra day in between.
And then when there arent scheduled games he will play WOW to get weapons or whatever it is they do. I love my freedom and going out – but I have told him before "Im the loneliest engaged girl out there" We are working on scheduling things so when school is over and it is the way it is right now we can work as a team. Im working on cooking Mon, Tues, and Wed while he gets to pick up dinner Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun ( go out to eat, order in ,etc) I know SUnday nights is his thing – which is fine and sometime the scheduled raids I know about dont bother me – b/c we discuss it beforehand, b/c he’ll ask is there anyday you dont want me to play or do we have something planned – Well, I would have something planned if maybe FH would ask me out instead of gaming sometimes LOL!
Anyways, its the constant playing and the forcing him to spend time with me sometimes that really gets to me. I dont want to take him away from his hobby and I am interested in it ( we dont have dual internet connection as I asked him to get so I can learn this summer to play) He keeps in touch with friends this way and he’s a busy attorney so I know he has to chill out and do something he loves.
Thank you ladies I am going to have yet another heart to heart with him ( like the millions I seem to have on a daily basis – I no longer know which tone to use) and tell him this is going to affect our relationship ( Although I have told him that when I have been a bit tipsy and have really blown things out of proportion)
And I am going to bust his balls again about the fact that I am trying to work on this & suggested I would play this summer but he hasnt made the effort for that to happen. Wedding and school is around the corner – so it might be too late now since I have two semesters and the Bar next summer. But whatever makes us work I will try.
Post # 9
girl yes he is! i think its weird….sometimes hearing him talk to these people. i couldn’t imagine spending that much time on the computer playing games, he does D&D, i don’t get it, but to each his own i guess.
Post # 10
Out of curiosity, what computer game(s) does your FI/husband and/or you play?
Post # 11
Hey Guava — I wonder if he has dragged his feet on getting the dual hook-up because this is "his" hobby, and he likes his space? Not that that’s a bad thing, just might explain some of his resistance.
Post # 12
Haha. I figured if you can’t beat em, join em, so now I’m a gamer too! LOL We both play Warhammer and it drives my parents nuts that that’s how we spend some of our time together, sitting side by side on computers. 🙂
Post # 13
- Wedding: October 2010 - Kindred Oaks, Georgetown
I know some people have mentioned this already but seriously the best thing to do is try to play with him. Don’t play the games that he’s already playing. Pick something out together that can be your game. This has definitely saved my relationship. My man loves loves loves video games and I knew nothing about them before we started dating but now I know a little. If you open yourself up to it, who knows, maybe you’d even have fun. You’d at least learn about something you don’t know anything about. Good luck!
Post # 14
My FI was a hardcore gamer at the beginning of our relationship, it was such a pain, if I wanted to spend anytime with him during the week he’d be at the computer and I’d be staring at his back. We talked about it and eventually worked something out but it was very hard. I understood that it was something he enjoyed and it was a bonding experience for him and his friends, but it was 5 hours a night 4 days a week and often much more time than that. Well it turns out that he was very addicted to the game and he ended up wanting to quit and confessing that he needed help. It was a really hard process, he had a lot of trouble quiting but he did eventually and I’m very proud of him. He does play occassionally, maybe once a week he’ll hop on and play or he’ll check out the new games that are out, but I can’t fault him for that I do enjoy gaming once in a while!
Post # 15
Yep he’s a gamer! I used to play TFC and Counter-Strike with him years ago but work got hectic and I’d rather not be on the computer when I get home. He on the other hand got into WOW. Our schedule would revolve around his "raids" and they started at like 6:30 Monday – Wednesday, then Thursday was something else and Fri & Sat he was mine….it helps him destress from work he says. Destressing is fine but I asked him when do *I* get to destress because I come home and cook dinner, work out, and clean up after dinner all while he is on his game. I told him you can do whatever you want I’m not going to be that girl that yells and complains but please understand that I am not happy and things like making him dinner or cleaning up may not happen. Personally I’m cool with an hour a night…after that I think you have a slight addiction when other more important things in your life get put off because of a game. He left his "clan" or group or whatever they call it and now just plays a hour or two each night but makes sure to help me first etc. So far so good with that.
Post # 16
If he’s scheduling WoW raids (and/or dungeons?) three nights a week plus getting on during the week for regular questing, AHing, profession building, etc… I can totally see how that can add up. Maybe you can suggest to him that he only play three nights a week and he add an extra hour onto those three nights to build in his other playing. If he sets aside 3 hours for a raid, it might be easier to just build in an extra hour that night than to log on again the next night to catch up on auctions, mail, professions, etc…
Also, I’m not sure what you mean about dual internet accounts? Like you would actually have two separate connections going at the same time? Unless you have some super slow internet connection (like dial-up, lol) you probably don’t need dual internet. All you’ll need to do is create your own WoW account (we didn’t even have to buy multiple games for our computers; the game code worked for both).
Anyway, if you feel like you have to force him to spend time with you, have you tried date nights? It might be kinda nice to designate one night a week to you two spending time together where he’s not allowed to get on the computer at all. Maybe knowing that you have that time together every week will be easier for you to deal with when he does play?
Other than that, my only suggestion is to be totally clear about what you want from him. He sounds like he does try by asking you if you have anything planned that he needs to schedule his playing around, but maybe that’s not enough. I guess from your post it seems a little unclear to me about what you exactly want (5 hours a week together? 2 hours uniterrupted together every night?) and maybe he’s feeling the same way? It might not seem very romantic to schedule and plan your own dates, but it might make it easier to get him out of the house and off the computer if you already have some pre-planned activities or events. In fact, it even be better if you two could start up a hobby together that gets you out of the house for a certain time every week like a cooking class or a softball team. When my husband and I started up a book club together our gaming actually decreased quite a bit just because we had other things to do.