Weddingbee boards

you know what i mean, right? have you seen snow white and cinderella? kind of like that. maybe not as cruel. but basically everything's about her. i'm so tired right now and it's late so it's hard to get into details but i just feel like venting anyway. she's happy about my wedding if it means attention on her. for example she's throwing my bridal shower next weekend and i know she's happy about that b/c she thinks she'll be the one getting the attention. she hates the idea of attention going from her to me. it happened last weekend when we all visited a family friend where the attention went to me b/c of the wedding and she treated me pretty badly. for example, when someone asked her if she would cry at the wedding she said (right in front of me), "I don't know.  I only cry for sad songs."  My brother told me that later he asked her what that meant.  She told him (knowing full well he and I are close and that he'd probably tell me what she was saying) that she would not b/c I'm "older" (over 30) and have taken forever to get married and that includes my siblings as well (we're all in our 30's now, I'm the oldest).

i could go on with many more examples. point is, can anyone relate to this?

Actually my family is really close and everyone is fair about everything, even though my Aunt can be sometimes that way to be first cousin. It is only involving them, and nothing else. My aunt feels she has to be right all the time, no matter how my cousin is treated. But they are getting a lot better.

I guess i can relate.  My mother isn't outright mean, but she is very much all about herself.  Our wedding isn't until July of 2011, but my mother calls me with the weirdest questions...like should she get her nails done for the wedding.  It's over a year away!  Get your nails done if you want to!  But the biggest thing is that she is all over being the "mother" of the bride.  Every time I talk to her, she tells me about another dress she saw that would be perfect for her.  Again, a little early to be shopping if you ask me.  Especially because she's trying to lose some weight.  She never once asked me about shopping for my wedding dress (until I mentioned that while I was visiting friends in NYC we went to a few bridal shops).  My mother is very competitive.  She tops every story, but I am used to that because she's always been that way.  But when it comes to the wedding it's starting to grate on me.  

She was upset that my dad and stepmom decided to throw us an engagement party.  First she claimed she should have been the one to throw it (she never even mentioned throwing one until they said they were throwing us one) and then she asked why she wasn't included in the hosting duties.  I spoke to my stepmom, and now my mother is also helping out.  Heaven forbid she doesn't get the attention for hosting.  She's always been very jealous that I am close to my stepmom, so she reminds me every chance she gets that she is my mother (yes, she actually reminds me of this fact as if I didn't know and puts extra emphasis on the word "mother") and constantly talks about how she is the "mother" of the bride.  BUT she never asks me how my planning is coming along, or what flowers I am thinking of using, or what type of wedding dresses I would like to try on (found my dress on my own recently).  The only wedding-related questions she asks are about her (the dress, the nails, her hair, what color she should wear).  When I told her my stepmom was planning on wearing a shade of blue, she said that's her best color.  It's not...she looks great in all jewel tones.  I could go on and on...I can't believe I have to wait 13 months until she stops all this nonsense.  

The good news is that I have an awesome older sister, who is my matron of honor and "mother" police on the wedding day.  She already had a little chit-chat with my mom about how it's our day and not hers.  And she said she'll keep my mom in check during the wedding weekend.  My mother hasn't met my FI's family yet and won't until the wedding since they all live in Europe.  I can just picture her going around to everyone saying "yes, I am the MOTHER of the bride"...not to be confused with the stepmother of the bride.  She even went so far as to say that she doesn't want people mistaking my stepmom for my mother at the engagement party.  What does she want, a name tag?  Okay, I really go go on forever so I'll stop now.

But you're not alone!

Hmmm... to me, it sounds like some of your mothers are excited about your weddings and want to be super-involved!  Maybe they are handling it in a weird way.  My mother is happy for me, but I wouldn't say that she's excited. There's usually some minor catastrophe or drama concerning her or my brother whenever I call.  She doesn't really care about wedding stuff.

Actually I have been handling it pretty well as far as how I am with her.  I've been very nice and working with her the best I can.  That's all I've been doing. With her, with difficult bridesmaids, with others.  B/c I agree I don't want any problems and want this to be the happiest day of my life.  But she keeps acting up.  I'm trying all these new methods all the time for her not to get to me, to get along with her, compromise, etc.  You know it's funny the family friend who she said that to was an elderly woman who's not even "all there" and doesn't even know my mother or me that well (it's my sister in law's GM).  After we all got together she said (I found out thru my brother) she thought my mother was being too much, going out of her way to debate with me, and kept trying to make herself the center of attention, "what kind of mother doesn't cry at her daughter's wedding" etc. 

I guess it's hard to explain without going into details about her.  But with some people it's just impossible to truly compromise with.  With my mother it's pretty bad.  Actually my father is narcissistic too (but he's mean to my brother, not as much me).  So my new "method" is reading a book about "destructive narcissistic parents" and following the techniques they suggest.  They seem to work but I have to really study them to get the hang of them.  Sad I even have to spend time doing it, but I don't want this special time getting messed with anymore. 

(btw if anyone's interested it's called "Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grownup's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents."  By Nina Brown.  It's pretty kick-ass.  I think their techniques are really good for major events like weddings.)

I can totally sympathize! My mother is the exact same way. During my wedding, everything was about her and how it affected her. The day before my wedding all she talked about was her dress and her hair and her nails and wanted me to take pictures of her while she was supposed to be helping me set up my reception area. 

I'm 8 months pregnant now and the pregnancy is the same way. She had knee surgery 6 weeks ago and when she calls she doesn't ask how I'm feeling, she goes right into how much her knee hurts and about how she can't drive and wants me to drive her all over the place. Then at the end she will ask how I'm feeling and tell me something must be wrong with me because she was hiking and camping through all her pregnancies and doesn't understand why I'm so uncomfortable. 

I don't really have any great advice on how to deal with it for your wedding. I really found that I just chose not to share a lot of details with her because I never got the positive or interested type response that I wanted. 

I hope it gets better for you!

@derbybride: if it didn't get to you terribly or "ruin" your events for you: HOW DID YOU DO THAT? lol.  Could use some advice.   Especially for the wedding day.

I say that also b/c I have a narcissistic bridesmaid or two as well (who might get kicked out, but in case they don't....).  Any suggestions so they don't get to me so much that I'll be upset?

Thanks! :)

Wow, I couldn't believe it -- my mother was great at the shower on Saturday.  She was sweet and made it a lot about me.  She wasn't perfect, but better than I thought.  The shower was fab.  I know she's going to get narc again tho so I have to always stay prepared for that.  This is how it kinda works with her -- sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't act that way.