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Oh yeah. I'd been picturing myself walking solo down the aisle forever, but I caved on that one when my mom expressed how much it would mean to my dad. But I love our pastor for the fact that he completely got it the second I said "No one will be giving anyone away in our ceremony." In fact he even had a wonderful alternative suggestion that he's done in other ceremonies: both the bride's parents and the groom's parents step forward, and the pastor asks them something along the lines of "Do you promise to support [bride's name] and [groom's name] with love and guidance throughout their lives together?" and they all say "We do." I love it because no one is implied to be property, and because it echoes the infant dedication ceremony that we Baptists do instead of an infant baptism, in which the parents and the church pledge to support the child throughout its life. Maybe something like that would make you happy while still honoring your dad's wish to include something in that part of the ceremony for him to say.
I love that, LittlestBirds! It seems that at the time when these were first performed, that women were thought of as a piece of property, and times have really changed for the most part. It really is a more equal partnership for most people these days, and I think that is the perfect thing to say.
My dad will be giving me away, I am not bothered at all. But here is a suggestion for you:
Although BRIDE stand here as an independent woman confident in her choice, both her and GROOM recognize that the support, wisdom and advice of their parents and friends will help them continue to have a happy, healthy marriage and on your behalf that I ask (PERSON) “Who bring this woman to be married to this man?”
Yep I was going to suggest what Littlebird did. I had my Dad walk me down the asile and then when we got to the end my Mom joined us. She is my bestfriend and I wanted her to be apart of the ceremony. My Dad shook my husband's hand and told him you are the luckiest man in the world. Which meant a lot to both of them. So have your Pastor rephrase it so that you're comfortable with it.
My situation is a little different. My stepdad raised me but my dad wants to walk me down the aisle. And quite frankly I would rather my dad not give me away. What should I do?
My momma and daddy said there was NO WAY they were giving me away! They said as a parent, they could never just "give" me to someone else, coz I'll always be their baby girl.
Sweet, huh? So they are "presenting" me.
I have this same problem @snakeysnake! My parents are divorced and although I have known my dad all my life, I wouldn't say that he had anything more than a minor role in "raising" me. I want my mom to walk me down the aisle, but my dad told my sister that he expected to do it. I don't want to hurt his feelings but I don't think he should be "giving me away". I think doing what @LittlestBrids suggested will be something that I will do.
I don't take issue with it at all. I think everyone takes things too literally sometimes! No one at the ceremony actually thinks your parents "own" you or that you are "property". I think its a sweet gesture, showing that your parents support your choice for your husband. There's really no ownership, trading, exchanging about it.
But that just me .... to each their own!
Those are some good suggestions.
Another question: when does preacher say that line? Our minister is more of a friend than a preacher, and I wrote his script, but I wasn't sure where to put any variation of that line.
In the traditional Jewish ceremony, BOTH the bride and groom are escorted by BOTH of their parents. Thus, the parents are given the recognition that they have helped bring their children to this point, but there is no "giving away." In our ceremony, we had a line in which the rabbi asked, "Will you, the families and friends of 2dBride and NotFroofy, support and uphold them in their marriage now and in the years to come?"
Many nonJewish couples are starting to use a similar format. You could have both of your FI's parents escort him, and both of yours escort you. The four parents could then be asked, "Will you, the parents of snakeysnake and Mr. snakeysnake, support and uphold them in their marriage now and in the years to come?" This would involve your father and give him a speaking part, without a) treating only the bride as in need of parental support, b) disregarding the mother's contributions to your upbringing, or c) having you given away like a piece of property.
My parents both walked me down the aisle, but I wasn't given away. Seemed weird to me too. I'm not theirs to give to DH. When we got up the end they hugged me then sat down. At some point in the ceremony they and MIL stood up and were asked if they supported our marriage and they said yes. I liked the idea of including them someway as they will be important to us in our marriage.
I think my FI is going to walk with his mom down the aisle first, and I am going to walk with my dad. That way, at least, there's some symmetry. I'm also going to be sure to ask the priest to omit "Who gives this woman..." because I really don't like that either!
This is one of the advantages of having a Catholic ceremony... no being "given away"! Although I have actually heard of some Catholic brides getting upset at the priest when he tells them that this is not a part of the ceremony.
My dad is escorting me down the aisle, and when/if it comes time to say "who gives this woman..?" the response will be "with all of our blessings, she gives herself".
@Miss Helen, I love that response!
My parents are walking me down the aisle, not giving me away.
I decided to do both parents because just my dad was not going to happen (pesonal issues, besides, let's face it, if anyone lays claim to me, it's my mom!) and I wanted to honor them.
Is this a Catholic thing? We had a Lutheran wedding and my Dad walked me down the aisle, but did not "give me away". No one said "Who gives this woman?" He just kissed me on the cheek at the end of the aisle, and then I linked arms with Mike and we walked to the altar together.
My dad said, "her mother and I" but really, everybody knows I'm not my parent's property to "give". But it meant a lot to them to do the wedding traditionally. I never even thought of taking it that way because everybody knows i'm a grown ass independent woman =]. But they raised me for 18 years, put me through college for 4, and i got married a year out of school, so it was a gesture I was more than willing to allow them.
Our minister was methodist. Honeslty i didn't even think about changing the "who gives this woman" part until after I was even married, when I read about it on WB.
Anybody who thinks me=property because of that phrase doesn't know me very well =]
I felt uncomfortable with the "giving away" concept as well, so we came up with this solution: both parents will walk me down the aisle (as per tradition) but only about 3/4 of the way. We will pause, they'll kiss my cheek, and I will continue to the front on my own. We're undecided on whether or not the officiant will ask the parents anything, but if we include it the wording will be "who presents" rather than "gives".
I agree with FutureKMM. While I appreciate that other people have a problem with it, I personally don't. It means a lot to my Dad, and I'm pretty sure no one there will think I'm being given away as a piece of property. My FI is also Jewish, so both of his parents will be walking him. We wouldn't want it any other way.
My dad walked me down the aisle but he didn't "give me away". Those words weren't even whispered at my wedding. He just gave me a hug, shook hubbers hand and sat down.
I'm actually looking forward to it. It's really important to my dad, something he has looked forward to since the day I was born.
I don't have any negative feelings towards being "given away", but the wording in our ceremony says "Who presents this woman for marriage." He will respond with "her family and I." Small change, but the connotation is different, IMO.
I have a very divided family, so I am incorporating my 2 brothers walking me down the aisle, and then having both my parents stand at the alter. I have been curious about the "who gives this woman..." question and struggling with it - Thanks to LittlestBirds for such a sweet idea in asking the family to support us, versus giving me away!!
My dad walked me down the aisle to end the processional, and my husband was walked down by his mom at the beginning of the processional. The priest didn't say anything, our parents just kissed us on the cheek and walked back to their seat. The first time the priest spoke was when it was just my then FI and me up there.
My dad walked me down the aisle, but we did not have the whole "who gives this woman" line. We just omitted it completely, and I don't think any of our guests noticed. My dad and I just hugged, he shook DH's hand, and put my hand into DH's hands. No words were exchanged, and I liked it that way. :)
I was not given away. I walked down the isle alone and met up with my fiance at the alter. Both sets of parents were in the front row. The JP did not ask anything related to "Who gives this women away" or anything similar. I'm an independent woman who'd been living with her boyfriend/fiance for over three years. It would've been silly to be given away. And neither of my parents cared (my mom wasn't given away either for the same reasons).
At this point, it's more like what can you do to make your dad happy and balance that with your own principle.
I walked down the aisle alone. I was lucky that my dad didn't know what is the norm and wuz not and didn't really care. Besides, there's really no "norm" nowadays anyway, starting back when women were no longer properties to be given away and could vote, etc. People do whatever they want with their weddings. Even in catholic weddings, depending on the priest, you can have lots of flexibility but the ceremony will NEVER say "who gives this woman away."
As matter of fact, it's highly encouraged (or required in strict traditions) in a catholic ceremony that the bride and groom process together last since they're ministers of the matrimony sacrament. The tradition of giving women away as property is highly frowned upon. Although I understand that it has morphed into something beautiful and dear to a lot of people, I personally detest it.
I also did not want my dad to "give me away" as I am an adult and did not need his permission to be married, but I did want him to walk with me down the aisle. So we changed the wording to "Who presents this woman to be married." I felt it was a good compromise and did not make me feel uncomfortable.
My FI and I are walking down the aisle TOGETHER - I have BIG issues with the implication of my father giving me away!
I don't look at it as my dad giving me away- I see it as 'most important man in my life' #1 and #2 sharing a bonding moment. They are two of the most important men in my life!
I don't like the term giving away.. I prefer to think i was escorted down the aisle. I am not property, but I appreciated the support of my dad and knew it meant a lot to him.
I definitely have issues with "being given away." First, from a feminist standpoint, even altering the language doesn't sit right with me because it is still the same symbolism & message. Second, my dad was not very involved (and when he was, it wasn't in a positive way) with raising me and thinking of him walking me down the aisle brings up a lot of old anger and resentment. Third, I do not enjoy being the center of attention and will be so nervous walking up the aisle, so why not walk in with the one person who makes me calm/happy?
Since my parents are still together and I think my mom would be the one concerned about not hurting my dad's feelings - I've decided that we will have the processional start with Fi's parents walking in together, then my parents walking in together, then the bridal party, then Fi & I (together). I think I will also offer to do a father/daughter & Mother/Son dance at our reception, so that it doesn't seem like I'm just angry at my dad (in the last few years, he has started to make some effort, but it doesn't really make up for the first 18 years or so).
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Before becoming engaged, I never thought about wedding stuff in general, and therefore, I never really thought about the dad-walking-me-down-the-aisle thing until my dad actually brought it up. In my mind, I would walk down the aisle alone, which, if I lived in a non-compromising world, I think would be better and less weird.
The walking-down-the-aisle thing is pretty important to my dad, so I am letting him have it. I am his only daughter, and I don't want to take this away from him.
But, then after attending another wedding, I realized another part of the tradition. The "who gives this woman to be married" and response tradition. I have problems with that for several reasons, being
1) My parents have been divorced since I was young, so my dad did not "raise" me, per se. How could he give me away?
2) On that note, how can anyone give me away? I am an adult. And I am not property. And my dad isn't giving me to my FH. My FH and I are entering into an equal partnership (well, technically we are already in that parternship, but this is the ceremony that goes along with it).
I told my dad that I didn't want any such lines in there, but he said, "No, it has to be in there. It is the one thing I've been waiting my whole life to say and to speak in front of a large group of people." My dad has a stutter, which has improved a lot, but it has been a struggle for him all through his life. So, now I feel like I can't take that away from him, either.
Do any of you plan to still have your dad walk you down the aisle, but use an alternative to "Who give this bride...?"