(Closed) Anyone else have a problem with being “given away?”

posted 7 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 3
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

Oh yeah. I’d been picturing myself walking solo down the aisle forever, but I caved on that one when my mom expressed how much it would mean to my dad. But I love our pastor for the fact that he completely got it the second I said “No one will be giving anyone away in our ceremony.” In fact he even had a wonderful alternative suggestion that he’s done in other ceremonies: both the bride’s parents and the groom’s parents step forward, and the pastor asks them something along the lines of “Do you promise to support [bride’s name] and [groom’s name] with love and guidance throughout their lives together?” and they all say “We do.” I love it because no one is implied to be property, and because it echoes the infant dedication ceremony that we Baptists do instead of an infant baptism, in which the parents and the church pledge to support the child throughout its life. Maybe something like that would make you happy while still honoring your dad’s wish to include something in that part of the ceremony for him to say.

Post # 4
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I love that, LittlestBirds! It seems that at the time when these were first performed, that women were thought of as a piece of property, and times have really changed for the most part. It really is a more equal partnership for most people these days, and I think that is the perfect thing to say.

Post # 5
Member
14750 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

My dad will be giving me away, I am not bothered at all.  But here is a suggestion for you:

Although BRIDE stand here as an independent woman confident in her choice, both her and GROOM recognize that the support, wisdom and advice of their parents and friends will help them continue to have a happy, healthy marriage and on your behalf that I ask (PERSON) “Who bring this woman to be married to this man?”

Post # 6
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Yep I was going to suggest what Littlebird did.  I had my Dad walk me down the asile and then when we got to the end my Mom joined us.  She is my bestfriend and I wanted her to be apart of the ceremony.  My Dad shook my husband’s hand and told him you are the luckiest man in the world.  Which meant a lot to both of them.  So have your Pastor rephrase it so that you’re comfortable with it.

 

Post # 7
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My situation is a little different. My stepdad raised me but my dad wants to walk me down the aisle. And quite frankly I would rather my dad not give me away. What should I do?

Post # 8
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

My momma and daddy said there was NO WAY they were giving me away!  They said as a parent, they could never just “give” me to someone else, coz I’ll always be their baby girl.

Sweet, huh? So they are “presenting” me.

Post # 9
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I have this same problem @snakeysnake! My parents are divorced and although I have known my dad all my life, I wouldn’t say that he had anything more than a minor role in “raising” me. I want my mom to walk me down the aisle, but my dad told my sister that he expected to do it. I don’t want to hurt his feelings but I don’t think he should be “giving me away”. I think doing what @LittlestBrids suggested will be something that I will do.

Post # 10
Member
13102 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I don’t take issue with it at all.  I think everyone takes things too literally sometimes!  No one at the ceremony actually thinks your parents “own” you or that you are “property”.  I think its a sweet gesture, showing that your parents support your choice for your husband.  There’s really no ownership, trading, exchanging about it.

But that just me …. to each their own!

Post # 12
Member
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

In the traditional Jewish ceremony, BOTH the bride and groom are escorted by BOTH of their parents.  Thus, the parents are given the recognition that they have helped bring their children to this point, but there is no “giving away.”  In our ceremony, we had a line in which the rabbi asked, “Will you, the families and friends of 2dBride and NotFroofy, support and uphold them in their marriage now and in the years to come?”

Many nonJewish couples are starting to use a similar format.  You could have both of your FI’s parents escort him, and both of yours escort you.  The four parents could then be asked, “Will you, the parents of snakeysnake and Mr. snakeysnake, support and uphold them in their marriage now and in the years to come?”  This would involve your father and give him a speaking part, without a) treating only the bride as in need of parental support, b) disregarding the mother’s contributions to your upbringing, or c) having you given away like a piece of property.

Post # 13
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

My parents both walked me down the aisle, but I wasn’t given away. Seemed weird to me too. I’m not theirs to give to DH. When we got up the end they hugged me then sat down. At some point in the ceremony they and MIL stood up and were asked if they supported our marriage and they said yes. I liked the idea of including them someway as they will be important to us in our marriage.

Post # 14
Member
524 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I think my FI is going to walk with his mom down the aisle first, and I am going to walk with my dad.  That way, at least, there’s some symmetry.  I’m also going to be sure to ask the priest to omit “Who gives this woman…” because I really don’t like that either!

Post # 15
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

This is one of the advantages of having a Catholic ceremony… no being “given away”! Although I have actually heard of some Catholic brides getting upset at the priest when he tells them that this is not a part of the ceremony.

Post # 16
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

My dad is escorting me down the aisle, and when/if it comes time to say “who gives this woman..?” the response will be “with all of our blessings, she gives herself”.

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