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I know most people love using the word "Husband" and think it is so much better than the word fiance.
I, on the other hand, am having a really hard time with the word husband and am not sure why. I think it might be because of the different adjectives I think of when I think of husband. I think explosive, dominant, requiring submission, rigid, demanding etc... I don't think all of the negative connotations came from personal life experience (though perhaps some), but rather from the dominant culture that surrounds us.
So, I've been toying with other words to use. I thought I'd use partner, but that feels a little dishonest since it seems more dedicated to same sex relationships. I've been trying out spouse, but it still doesn't feel natural. I've tried husband a few times, but I literally choke on the word!
I know most people don't have this same problem, but if you did, please share how you either 1) overcame it or 2) found another word that works better. I'm all ears! Mr. DG says that it doesn't hurt him that I'm working all of this out, because whatever I call him the committment is the same... but I really want to make him happy and he absolutely loves calling me wife! There has to be a word that expresses the depth of my love and the commitment of our relationship without all the cultural connotations, doesn't there?
It weirds me out, too. We've been shortening it to make it more cutesy and we use it in text messages to get used to it. I'll call him "hubs" sometimes. But in reality, even when we were engaged or just bf/bf, we tended to address each other by our first names. Whereas my parents always called each other by pet names or mom or dad when we were little or honey or stuff. We tend to call each other "bubs" or shortened versions of our first names. Even when I'd introduce him to other people, i always introduced him by his first name.
maybe this won't change for us! But yeah, calling him "My husband" is weird. I try to use it a lot on the boards to get used to it though. It still feels weird tho
I have a friend who doesn't like the word 'husband', so she and her husband call eachother 'Committed Life Partner", or sometimes "L.P." for short, and occasionally just, "Commitment". I think it started out as something that they thought was silly and fun, and now they can't stop.
Over the past 2 months, I've gotten used to saying husband. It does depend on the social circle, though, of who I'm talking to. Most of the time away from family, I refer to him as my partner because I don't want the heterosexual implications of "husband". I don't think that the people I'm speaking to think that my partner is a woman, and even if they do it doesn't bother me.
we slipped into using husband and wife real easy, hubby already has a habit of calling me "wife" instead of by name. eg; 'hello my wife' when i come home or when he phones me and i do the same to him and when he introduces me to people he tends to say "this is my wife" and forgets my first name - hes still in training ;)
I decided early on that I would call him my "partner." Like mary-alice-me, I don't care if people think I'm in a same-sex relationship. I don't feel great about the baggage that goes with "husband" and like what "partner" expresses. We'll see if that changes when we get married, but for now that's what I call him!
I didn't think I'd use "fiance" either, but that has been coming easier the more I use it. Maybe you just need to practice "husband," doctorgirl! (Great to see you back, btw!)
it hasn't been to hard to slip into calling my husband by that name, though most frequently I refer to him as hubs or hubby. It's been weird switching in on Weddingbee mostly, because I am so used to calling him "fi"
I think thinking about who Mr. DG is to you--rather than a cultural stereotype is the only way to get beyond that. Husband can mean something in particular to you...
It doesn't technically mean anymore than the male half of a marriage!
Hope you get this worked out in your head and heart and come up with something that works for you. it just takes some time to get used to!
edited to add: @d'orsay: "reclaim" is exactly the word I was looking for!
I would feel a little weird calling someone my "life partner", only because that is a word that is used legally for gay partnerships. I wanted to add my fiance to my insurance and our benefits lady told me I should be able to with a letter that we lived together and were in a common law marriage. She provided me a form and when my friend that works at a law firm saw that it read "life partner" everywhere she said that was odd wording because it was typically used for gay marriages.
I a not trying to discourage anyone, just my two cents. I hope I didn't offend anyone.
I am the opposite of you, doctorgirl. I cannot wait until the day I can call him my husband. Even with our society I do not associate the same adjectives when I think "husband". I think loving, my rock, togetherness, strength, stability, commitment...I can see how the way you associate the word would make you weary of using it though.
In England people say partner all the time. I like to use partner too and so does he, but I also don't mind the word husband - I think I assosciate different conotations with it. However, I sometimes think of repressed housewife when i say wife...which I think is kinda wrong. Wives and Husbands of all types come with those labels, I like the type of Wife and Husband we'll be to each other, so maybe I should work on reclaiming those words :)
I actually really like the word "husband" -- but have a problem with the word "wife." Don't know what it is -- it just rubs me the wrong way! Before we were even engaged, I told the mister he'd have to call me his "post-fiancee" once we were married. 
I got used to saying 'my husband' really fast once I started a new job. Since I'm still getting to know everyone in the office, when I am telling a story it is easier to say 'my husband', rather than his first name. Now it just rolls off the tongue, haha.
I feel akward using the word Husband because its new, but it makes me smile and we use "husband" and "wife" as new pet names because they make us giggle. Yeah - we act like 5 year olds. :)
Maybe it's a case of getting used to it. It's obviously not quite the same thing, but I was quite worried about the e-ring. I never wore rings and thought they made my hands look weird. I also had thoughts concerning whether or not it symbolized that I was now "owned". Since we got engaged, I love love love my e-ring. It feels weird when it's off. When I look at it I think of Mr D and the fun we had picking it out together. It doesn't make me feel owned at all.
In that vein, I've come across some couples who refer to each other as "my wife" and "my husband". To me that feels a bit weird. It's not so much the wife/husband aspect, but again, how "owner-y" it feels. I know other couples who'll say instead, for example, "... Alice, my wife..." or "... Tom, my husband...". To me it makes the reference more personal to your partner. Maybe that might be a way to think of the word husband... with your FI's name in front of it? Then he's still your man, but your hubbie to boot!
I don't like it either- I'll only use it when it is convienant to me, ie, emergency situations involving his family (gets you through the door) and anytime I need access to him and have trouble getting it. Outside of that, I will probably refer to him as my significant other, and on occasion, partner. I don't even call him fiance, I still call him my boy, or the boy, hah
I like saying husband but I dont that often, it just feels weird too. And for some reason, I feel like when I say husband to people who KNOW my husband, when I could say his name, that Im flaunting that Im married. I know Im weird :)
I'm crashing the newlywed board!
Oh geez. I've been engaged for 6 months and I still can't call him my FI! I'm always calling him my boyfriend in conversations. Maybe once we're married I'll start calling him my fiance. lol
I think it just feels strange to use the word at first. I know I felt weird about "fiancee" and "husband" when we first made those transitions. But it starts to feel natural after a while. And I'm like Miss Hot Sauce, saying "husband" makes me feel so happy. It makes me think of partnership and stability and strength. Give it some time! :)
You know, I had less of a problem with "husband" as I did with "wife". Like Ms. Bruschetta, I felt like there was this whole stereotype that went along with it that just didn't fit me. I think I have a heightened sense of this, as a feminist and as the daughter of a single mom.
However, I think LatteLove makes a great point. I'm just trying to focus on what those words mean TO US, regardless of the stereotypical ideas about them. I like dorsay's idea about reclaiming these words!
Plus, I knew a girl who called her husband her partner, and it just came off as weird and condescending and faux-bohemian. Like they were too "hipster" to admit they were married!
I'm with Miss Bruschetta, I am less comfortable with the word wife. I actually really like calling him my husband, because it feels like what people perceive our relationship as (in terms of a level of commitment) is truer. But wife, for me, carries all kinds of social notions about an identity I am not entirely sure I like.
It's only been 1.5 weeks, and while "husband" still sounds weird, I don't really have problems with it. I felt stupid every time I said "fiance" but husband just seems easier. But, just like someone else referenced, I have had a hard time on weddingbee since it's the only place I ever talked about my "fiance" I still do it.
Awww....I don't have a problem with it personally, but I do think and have heard it from my parents that it seems to be a more culturally American thing (we are European immigrants) to say "this is my wife/husband" as opposed to at home, where we would say "this is Joe/Anne". My mum was very offended by that when we first moved here, although she does introduce Da to people as "my husband Joe", but never just "my husband". She felt the same way when Da's co-workers (he's in an all-male job) would say "Oh, that's your wife, nice to meet her", Mum was all "Um no, I am "Jane"...not "wife".
I'm happy to see this brought up because we have thought for years that it was a strange cutural American phenomenom that we missed out on.
thanks for this post. we got registered at city hall today. he has no problems referring to me as his "legal wife" (ceremony to follow next month). i just can't get past the h..
I love using Husband. Love love love it. I did NOT like using Fiance, felt so pretentious to me. I always just referred to him by his first name and let people assume what they wanted. If they were curious about his relation to me I would specify Fiance, but I never introduced him like that or anything. Just use his name! People will either assume or just not worry about it.
I'm not being rude, but simply asking - then what was the point of getting married? If the words husband and wife conjure up negative stereotypes for you, then wouldn't the word "marriage" as well?
I don't have a problem with any of the terms myself, but I don't understand why anyone would. I think it's kind of like saying, I want to have children, but don't call me a mom because I don't want to be associated with a minivan driving stereotype, so call me a "life-giver". Just my two cents. :)
I think I'm going to have a problem using both 'husband' and 'wife', because they're not equally weighted terms. Both come with such cultural baggage and are such heavily loaded terms that they make me uncomfortable. I think we'll stick with the term 'partner', because that's what most of the profs at our university use, and I also prefer terms that don't denote a heterosexual relationship.
It's weird, I would introduce him as "my husband" than have him introduce me as "his wife".
Anyone out there ever read The Meaning of Wife? It's a great book that examines the cultural construction of what the word wife has come to represent. Reading it did help me understand my reasons for disliking both the terms husband and wife.
we refer to each other as "partner," and will continue to do so. i love what that term connotates (to us). it means, "we are in this together." yes, we still honor our individuality, but we have decided to go through life together. we have been together for a long time and have never felt the need to be married up until recently.
for the pp who asked, "what's the point in getting married?" not counting the emotional issues, there's over a thousand actually (and that's just on the federal level)...i'm talking about legal issues. not sure how many on the state level. the wedding will be a celebration of our love; the marriage certificate will allow us certain priveleges and allowances that are not granted to individuals who are in a non-marital relationship; and, in our case, a state that does not legally recognize partnerships.
btw---i have had a few comments about the homosexual context, but i just correct them.....no big deal.
like dorsay, you can work on reclaiming those words. i just prefer the word partner....maybe someday, people will look at it in terms of your relationship and not in terms of your sexuality. (huh? don't know if i was making sense there.)
and, maybe someday, all human beings wil be granted the same rights.:-)
Just a bit amused here, because I'm in a same-sex relationship, and definitely intend to refer to NotFroofy as my wife after the ceremony.
In Canada, we use the word partner rather than spouse, husband, or wife.
I LOVE it.
Partner describes the relationship and the equality of roles. Mixed gender, same gender - both are irrelevant. The partnership is what is important.
I know partner is used by same sex couples in the States but I think the US could use some education.
I also like the term Sweetheart. It is a good word for informal situations. It describes your affection for each other. Your rings will tell people you are married.
I don't mind the word husband. It comes from husbandry - as in nuturing and caring for the family's resources, including crops and animals.
But I totally see what you mean about connotations, Ms. OP. Wife is only defined in context of marriage and husband. Husband is defined in terms of family.
The English language (as many others) is often generally misogynist.
I think you are VERY right to be careful of language. I always am.
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Is it me, or do the terms "husband" and "wife" just make you feel OLD?!?!?
I think of my parents when i hear "husband" and "wife". And I go "waaaait a minute..."
Hee hee ejs....I feel like that too....when my married friends say Husband or Wife...I'm like Wow...how did we get that old?! :)
To address some of the pp, one, I don't feel the "point" of getting married is being able to address your loved one as Husband or Wife. Making a lifelong commitment encompasses so much more. I know in my family, it's more just the point of referring to someone's wedded partner as Husband or Wife without also using (or instead of using) their name. To us, it feels like that person has become a possession...like my TV or my car. Regardless of whether or not you take your partner's last name....you don't become their possession. That's been something we have noticed here, like I said in my previous post. I am going to be thrilled beyond belief to be able to call Mr HW my husband someday, but he will still be Mr HW...he will not just become "husband".
It's like when we meet people now, he doesn't say "this is my girlfriend", like I'm an accessory he brought out, he introduces me as "this is HW my girlfriend". I know it may be like splitting hairs to some...but that's how we do it.
As for the comment "what's the point in getting married" please see my post entitled:
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/is-being-married-different-from-being-engaged
I know you didn't mean to be hurtful with that comment, but it was inadvertently hurtful. I'll leave it at that.
So far spouse and partner have been working just fine, and partner gives me the warm fuzzy feeling that some of you get from the word husband :)
I understand what you mean esp what HappilyWaiting said about being introduced as just "wife" or "husband" ...each of us is our own person...I want to be known as "D.Marie" and he is "hisname". But I also like him to introduce me as his wife and not just as DMarie...because we are now a part of each other and when people from his past...like a childhood friend or someone who doesnt know he got married meets me I want them to know that I am his wife, not just his girlfriend or his fiance, but his wife.
I don't think I will have a problem with it because in my mind, we are already married. He's already my husband. We live together, we make financial decisions together, and we have set common goals. We are a unit-husband and wife. I support him, he supports me. To me being a supportive, loving partner is the definition of a husband and/or wife.
But each couple is different and has to find what works for them. I think partner or spouse are good alternatives to husband or wife.
Wow! I just re-read and really like what Greta says... and I do try to always be thoughtful about language. It would be so much easier if I could just get used to the American way of doing it, but it shows no signs of happening for me...
I am, however, becoming very comfortable with partner. It seems to be the one that is sticking!
just my total opinion - i hope i don't offend ANYONE. but yup - i think it's weird to not want to use the words "husband" or "wife". just my personal opinion - but hey - to each their own. :D
in our situation, we ARE legally married and call each OTHER husband/wife - but asides from us - our two best friends (who were our witnessses) my parents and his mom - NO one knows that we are married...so it actually sucks that i CAN'T call him my husband yet - not til after the wedding next year.
I don't have a problem with the word husband, I love it. My problem is learning to say ours instead of mine and us instead of me!
I'm guessing the "what's the point" comment got removed. Boy was I seething when DH made that comment to me about not taking his name. I won't relive that drama, but so *not* cool.
Even after visiting DH this weekend, we are referring to husband and wife in the third person, not directly to each other, but more so if i'm joking around, i slap my hand and say "bad wife! bad wife!" or he tells me to do my "wifely" duties or something funny.
I think we just prefer first name basis. The more I use it, the more comfortable I get with it. But I feel so oooollllld, lol. maybe he'll just be "my buddy" =]
Each to your own...I very much agree with Greta. We should definitely be mindful of our language and how we refer to our other half.
I also dislike the word "wife". I know it's just my own preference and maybe a bit weird but before the b/f (yes, I still call him that even though we got married last week) and I got married, we talked through the connotations of the terms "husband" and "wife". My partner totally understood my concerns...I mean how often have you heard the guys talking about "the wife"...especially when they have to leave a party early or are not able to make a game with the guys? Anyways, we agreed that he would continue to call me "sweetie", "sweetheart", "love of his life" or "partner". It works for us and at the end of the day, that's all the matters.
Every bride out there deserves to be exceptionally happy and referred to with the term of their preference...whether it's "wife", "partner" or "committed life partner".
my fiance and i aren't married yet, but he told me that when he says the word "wife" he thinks of an old mean lady. So he is goingto be calling me his "bride" (which i like a lot better). I personally can't wai to call him my husband=)
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