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I am another girl who didn't want a wedding but my husband did. I wanted to get hitched with just our immediate family present and then have a huge BBQ to celelbrate with everyone. He really wanted a big church wedding and reception. We compromised and had an intimate wedding in a small chapel followed by a reception in a barn complete with BBQ. We had our issues during the wedding planning, but they weren't money related. I needed him to help make decisions and other little things. I would often say when I got stressed, "I didn't want this big event. You did, so help." That usually solved everything. So sorry that you are going through this. Hope you get it all finished with as little stress as possible.
I wanted to elope too.I get that we're Catholic, but it simply seemed like a great idea to include immediate family only and two big pot luck meals in both of our home states.
I don't think I'll regret it in the long run, but this is one of those times when our long distance relationship makes it really hard to identify with one another.
I definitely miss the days when he was just a short drive away.
*hugs* How in the world do you do it all? You sound like Superwoman!
I'm the girl having the 300+ person wedding when I only wanted 20 people there. I had to give up many things I wanted to allow for our guest list. It sucks! To be an obnoxious optimist, that is really amazing that he is planning for your future together.
Have you tried pawning stuff onto him? Seriously...the line, "i don't care enough to do it, so you do it or nothing" tends to work when you get down to the wire. It's really not fair to expect you to do EVERYTHING and for him not to help. You can mail him stuff! HE's capable! Especially if HE wants it. I did my own wedding, too, but only b/c i didn't want his meddling hands in it =]
Me too! I'm also a girl who didn't want the whole wedding deal but my FI really really does. I've been doing what EJS said - I tell him that I don't care enough about doing x, y, or z, and that if he wants them done, he needs to figure it out. It works for us! One thing that was really important for me was that my FI started realizing exactly how much work I had been doing to make this whole thing happen, he started to pitch in more. Instead of telling him that you have 127 things on your to-do list, maybe you should send him a complete list of everything that needs to happen? I know with my FI, he had just no idea what went into planning a wedding.
I never wanted a wedding, I wanted to go get hitched at the court and then celebrate with our family on a Saturday night at home...he wanted a wedding with everyone and their momma in attendance. The whole "I don't care about doing a/b/c/d...so you can do it" does work. I think it helped him realize how much work this was and he's been a great help since, so I can't really complain.
I didn't want a wedding either but my fiance insisted a church ceremony with our family would be very meaningful. I must admit, I am glad I did it. It was very meaningful. But I DID want to kill him many times before the day of the wedding!
welcome to my life. i wanted city hall and a big dinner party - totally casual and laid back. he wanted a little more ceremony to it - which i agree is nice. i'm still trying to book our oot brunch and family dinner the night before (instead of rd) and he's more focused on our retirement investments. meanwhile my mum tells me we should have eloped!
(raises hand frantically) ME TOO!!!!! I wanted to get married at the courthouse or something uber tiny and just go off on a lovely trip. NO, we have to get married in front of the family and have a reception for the entire clan (over 100 people). Which because we don't have a lot of money means we can't go anywhere! Poo. I would even rather save that money to go towards a down payment on a house. NOPE. Now I'm the one planning the entire thing and I'm forgoing a lot of things but there are a lot of things to do and he has no idea how much time and energy it takes. I made the boy help me one day on the weekend and he finally started to GET IT.
I get you. Completely. My FH feels bad about not being able to help, so I'm OK with him, because he works graveyard shift I don't expect too much of him. But I totally get feeling like you have to do everything, and it's not even something you wanted. I agree with <span style="font-size: x-small; color: #81a026;">ejs4y8 you just have to say 'well I don't care enough to do it, so either you handle it or it won't happen'. It might not be something you're crazy about, but if it's not something you care about anyways....
OMG, yes! ::raises hand::
I did NOT want a wedding. I wanted to elope with my parents, his parents and siblings. Thats IT. But nooooooooo, we had to have a big ole GIANT wedding. And not only that, but it had to be a Catholic wedding. I am not Catholic, I am not even christian, I am not religious at all.
But who is planning this damn thing? ME! I don't even know why I am doing it, I guess its because I know that if I didn't, things would get done half-assed and everyone would think it was me who couldn't plan a wedding. I guess I am a bit narcisistic in that aspect. No one would think that I didn't want to plan it and left it all up to FI.
SIGH
I am over it now, I have tried my best to not hold it against FI. Its helpful that he and I have the same view on how much to spend on the wedding. He doesn't care too much if we go a little over budget. he has offered to pay more since he is the one who wanted it. He is also pretty helpful, I can pretty much delegate things to him and he gets them done. I guess his main problem is that he can't implement a plan, but he can follow directions to a T. And he knows that I CAN pull off major plans, so that's why he looks to me to plan everything. and he does acknowledge that its a ton of work, and gives me massages all the time. So I can't hate him too much.
But its still frustrating sometimes that I am planning a wedding that I didn't really want in the first place... I agree with the others, you need to send him a list of stuff to do, that you don't personally care too much about, and tell him either he gets them done, or they don't happen.
Good luck!
you do sound like superwoman! Are there any things that you can let slide? Things that aren't so important or things that you can get the groom to do? Maybe spread things a little more evenly to him since he wanted the wedding?
I'm trying my best to let things slide. It's hard.
I'm majorly OCD, so I tend to get caught up in the 'if we're going to do it, let's do it perfectly!' trap.
But I'm learning.
Underneath it all is the frustrating thought that 'but this doesn't make us any more married - it's useless!' that I struggle with.
And I know that I'm lucky that he's such a planner and that our retirement will be taken care of, but at the same time, I'm frustrated that all this money could have helped out with that - or a house down payment - or just into regular savings.
It's not a waste because the ceremony isn't a waste.
But it does seem a large luxury to put both of us at the center of attention when I'm MUCH more comfortable giving hugs to those we're closest too and partying with everyone in a much more relaxed atmosphere.
Dancing in front of 400 of our closest friends and family?!!? YIKES!
I've given him the list of everything I don't care about that he insisted was important and he hasn't done any of it.
I'm just trying to breathe slowly and let those things go.
But it's hard.
Heck - it's 53 days away and he hasn't even asked the last guy to be in the wedding yet!
I'm totally serious!
Where is my guy that's usually 100% on top of things, never procrastinates and always makes sure people know when and if they're included?
Like I said... he's been taking over by the groom.
I'm sure after October I'll have my guy back, but until then, it's weird to live with the pod people versions of us wedding planning has helped form.
Hon, take a deep breath. You'll get through it. I don't have any words of wisdom, except to say I hear ya on the Series 7! It's an evil test!
It is an evil test.
I do fantastically until I hit the bonds chapter.
I cannot read any of that chapter without needing to use my lunch break to hunker down somewhere and take a nap!
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I don't mean to gripe.
I mean, just like most everyone else on here, there are four different people getting married in my wedding.
There's ME and Nick. And then there's the bride and groom, which are two unrelated people.
You see, Nick and I have a WONDERFUL relationship. A yin/yang kind that sort of ebbs and flows in a nice relaxing way.
But the bride and groom? Well. The groom is busy saving for their retirement with their wedding money... and the bride?
She's busy trying to plan a wedding she never wanted in the first place with monopoly money!
It's not that he's cheap.
It's not that I'm stupid.
It's not that our wedding doesn't matter just because it's joining our lives and yadda yadda.
But what matters right now is that I'm 1000 miles away from my guy, up to my neck in things that have to get done, and he's on his way to a fund conference/gaming weekend and doesn't seem to understand why I can't wait 3 more weeks until he has another lump sum paycheck in order to finish things.
I have 6 weeks left.
only two of those weekends are free.
This one is one of those and he just lost the chance to help ease my mind a bit.
Instead, I have to finish ALL BY MYSELF the 127 things that are still left on my to do list - in ONE weekend. One.
I don't have the week - that's Series 7 studying time and single parenthood time.
The other weekends are all me attending out of town showers all by myself because he doesn't have the time to come down for them.
Normally, supporting one another is not a problem.
We've been through hell and back and have helped hold each other up.
But when it comes to spending money - something we both hate to do, he lags when I just want to get it done so we can save some more - and I get so frustrated.
Anyone else out there having a hard time not beating their guy with a nerf bat sometimes because they don't understand just what goes into the money/time/planning of a wedding?
Anyone else the girl who didn't want a wedding with the guy that did?