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Why not combine his passion for music with teaching??? Can he go back to school and become a teacher? Granted, teachers aren't usually paid extremely well but they do make more than minimum wage with benefits. Just something to look into in my opinion.
As far as your parent's opinions on who makes what...it's really none of their business. If you are living on your own and choose to help support your FI, then that is your business. Who's to say that women can't make more than men and be the primary breadwinner? I think their old-fashioned views of the husband/wife roles may be outdated. Just something to think about and possibly explore during premarital counseling with your pastor. I think it will benefit you both in what your expectations of one another will be for your future marriage.
Well, I don't have exactly the same situation as you, but similar. I am the breadwinner with the 9-5 job and health insurance. My hubs owns his own small business. It is feast or famine for him and for the past 5 years I've helped him keep it afloat when things got really slow. I could never be a stay at home mom either, because his income is very erratic and it's incredibly hard for him to save anything. We could not rely on his business income to support all our debt.
I accept this about him because it has been this way for so long and I see it as a positive that he has built this thing up out of nothing, strong work ethic, etc. My family used to look at as a bad thing, that I made more. However I made it clear that they were not in a position to judge my family, and it stopped after that. Maybe this is something you should try as well.
If you are looking for advice, I think the best you will find is to stop thinking about what everyone else is thinking. This is going to be the man you marry, and when you marry him you have to take on and accept all his baggage. Whether it's emotional or financial, you have to trust eachother with your flaws. You should accept now that you may never be able to be a stay at home mom. That fact shouldn't make you feel wierd, this is the case for a large percentage of the population. You just have to accept it as a real possibility.
It is hard to be supportive without being a nag, or worse, have the other person take your support as something negative. That happens, because it sucks to be in his situation, and sometimes kindness just doesn't translate the way it should. My best advice for him would be to think about going back to school. take night classes while working his crap job, whatever it takes to allow him more choices. I don't know what your situation is with being able to pay for that, but it seems like the logical choice to allow him to do better in the long run.
sorry for the ramble. i hope that helped, to know you are def not alone?
he did actually look into it, however there is a teaching freeze in our state right now so even if he went back to school they arent hiring any teachers right now. Budget cuts i think. The only thing they are hiring for is Special Ed and he doesnt really want to do that.
we have some pre-martial classes with our revered so hopefully we will discuss thing like this. thanks!
@mrsworry: I know we are having some serious education cuts in my home state as well. I am sorry to hear that!
We thought premarital counseling was going to be boring since we knew everything about one another, but we actually loved how much we learned that we hadn't discussed before. I think you will like it too.
@mrsworry: Are you ok with being the main breadwinner? I ask that because your story sounds exactly how things were with my ex-bf. He was so passionate about music and anything music related, but he never made enough for it to be sustainable for him (let alone us and the 4 kids he wanted!).
The situation ended up being a lot more about ME than about him. I was a lot like you and really worried about how we'd make it in the future - how we'd live, pay bills, make a life for ourselves. He was 100% fine living life the way he was doing it and didn't worry about those things. It just wasn't who HE was.
It was when I realized that I wasn't okay being the sole breadwinner while he got to 'play'. It wasn't an issue of ambition (because he did have ambition) but it was more about my breaking points and realizing that I couldn't live like that. I'd always feel like a super big nag, wanting him to contribute more to the household, feeling like his mother (since he also shirked away from normal adult responsibility stuff), and would ultimately resent him for it.
When I told him what my needs were as it related to our relationship, he told me (in not so many words but in action) that he wasn't ready to do what I needed from him.
How old are you guys? We struggled with this through pretty much our entire 20's until I realized he wasn't going to magically 'grow up' and get a job.
While I think I'm fairly ambitious, I still don't know what I want to do - but I know what kind of life I want... so I do the job that gives me that. That thinking isn't true for all people and certainly wasn't true for my ex.
If your FI is hard-working and desires to work, that's one thing. But, if he's lazy about it because he'd rather just work on music, then that's a maturity issue (IMO) and needs addressing. If he were single, then more power to him... but considering you two are getting married and there could be future kids involved, then that's another story.
I currently make more than DH and would consider myself the breadwinner. DH is by no means anything like my ex - while he makes less than I do (and probably always will) he's hard working and would sacrifice anything to contribute to our financial health. I see him as an equal partner when it comes to our finances vs. feeling like the 'mom' with my ex.
didn't mean for this to be so long-winded... I hope some of my experience has helped!
This is almost me and FI to a T!
I'm the ONLY breadwinner as my FI doesn't have his GED and the more I try to encourage him to take the test the more he fights back. He doesn't even have a part time job but he is the go-to guy in a local band. If it isn't music related he isn't interested. At this rate we are never going to be able to afford anything extra let alone a wedding. If I get sick and miss even ONE day of work we will not be able to pay the bills that month.
He has a construction type job lined up for the summer but we don't know how much he will be earning or how long the work will last and every time I try to get him to look for even a part-time job he gets moody and argumentative. I love him dearly, but music is more important to him than I am and it's really frustrating.
@oracle: Yes! This is exactly how I feel. My problem is motivating someone with depression without pushing him (or myself!) over the edge.
I went through a similar thing. I have had a professional job for almost 4 years now and my finance was a student or worked min wage jobs up until last May. It was so rough and we went through a super hard time due to me being the only one making money (I too was very worried about our future). And I'm not going to lie - I would love to stay home and look after the house and kinds, but thats never going to happen because I will be making more money than him for at least the next decade.
Your finance needs to do something about his career for you guys and if not for his own self worth. The music industry is a hard one to crack and even getting a job in non artist related areas is highly competetive (e.g. artist management, PR, etc.). But I'm sure there are other creative areas that your finance is interested in as well - encourage him to explore his options and perhaps even get a diploma in a field that has good job prospects.
@mrsworry: I kind of understand where youre coming from. I earn more and most likely always will, because of the field I am in. I also carry the health insurance. He doesn't have a college degree but does make a decent living for himself. We both worry about the future. We had some issues at first where I really felt like I was carrying the burden of paying all the bills (from our joint account), and I was responsible for watching the budget, etc. We talked about it a lot and things are improving.
I think you guys need to talk about where he sees himself in 5 years, 10 years, etc. and where he sees you guys as a couple. Most people dont get to work in a field that theyre truely passionate about (I am jealous of those who do), and if music isnt providing for the family then it might be time to look into employment that will. Music will always be there for him, as a side job or just a hobby, but at some point he needs to figure out how he will help provide for your future together.
he is 30 i'm 28. He is actually one of the most hardworking people i know, and he definetley is striving to do better, he just doesnt know which direction to go. I think i am ok with being the main breadwinner but i think for us ever to be able to start a family he would need better job security. While he's not earning much right now he is putting every thing he can into our wedding fund. thanks for advice! i guess on the outside to other people (i.e. my family/friends) - they are like"why hasnt he got a better job", "whats he doing about". etc etc. When the fact of the matter is some people find it harder than others and dont have a clear cut idea of what they want to do, especially seeing as his whole life he's pursued something else and now is starting a new career post 30.
@Potatoes: I strongly believe your spouse makes you a better person, but I don't think there's anything you can do (specifically) to change the way a person is wired to think. Meaning, this issue will likely always be a struggle for the two of you. I was so tired of feeling crazy for being frustrated that my ex wouldn't even consider a full-time job (because then he wouldn't have time for his passions (ie: the band/music)) that I realized we were just in two totally different places. I would always want him to change this about himself and he certainly wasn't ready. There wasn't anything I could do to motivate him to change - he had to do it himself and I wasn't willing to wait around indefinitely until he did.
@mrsworry: That's awesome that your FI is so hard-working. That's a definitely plus, in my book! And, the desire to change and better oneself is also huge. I'm surprised that at your ages, people are still 'speaking into' your finances. Do you vent to these people about it? Unless it's someone like your mom, I'd just come up with a blanket statement (or, maybe to your mom as well) - ie: "we are on the same page with our finances and are committed to making the most of a difficult economic time." That's incredibly rude for them to make comments!
yep thats my family for you! they have backed off a lot recently but its still hard knowing how they really feel. I guess i need to stop worrying so much about what other people think!
@oracle: To be fair, we are young (He's 21 and I'm 22) and so he wants to have a chance to "play" which I don't have too much issue with for the most part. The biggest issue I have is my family butting in where they shouldn't and wondering what will happen if I get sick and have to miss work. He is very good at what he does and is very dedicated to it, but I wish he would put more consideration into "us" and not just "the band".
@Potatoes: I was 22 when I started dating my ex. I thought it was just a phase and he has time to finish school and get a full-time job. I was already done with college and had a full-time job. I was also fine with having him live out his dream and pursue music. There are parts of it that were really fun and he was an excellent musician. It's when it crossed the line from hobby to interfering with what I wanted/needed, that it became an issue. He kept telling me he wanted to do x, y, or z - but never followed through because he kept hoping the band would take off. It was very promising for a while, amazing tours and recording contacts, but never sustainable. It took several years (seven!) for it to become clear to me that it wasn't about his passions that were an issue - it was that I couldn't handle his passions as it related to my life (meaning, I didn't want that type of life/instability). I still think my ex had the best intentions... we were just on different levels and I would have had tons of years of frustration in that aspect (because I'm so type A, must have framework, get stressed out about money, etc.). I don't see anything wrong with wanting to pursue music, but I also think there comes a time when they have to realize they have to sacrifice something to make it work. My ex didn't agree with that - he thought he should be able to pursue this passion at the expense of 'us'.
@Potatoes: Your situation worries me a bit. So you say he wants to "play". Well... don't we all? But unfortunately that's not how it works. I'm guessing you pay the bills for both of you? That's not really fair. Why should you have to work while he doesn't? I think he's taking advantage of you and you're just kinda letting him. I think you need to think about what kind of future you want and how you see yourself getting there with someone who doesn't feel they need to work. I speak from experience bc my SIL is in this very position. She married the guy who didn't think he had to work. Well she became sick an unable to work. He hasn't worked in 2 years. Now their house is in foreclosure, they have no money, and are pretty much in poverty. I don't think anyone wants that future. And 21 isn't that young. At 21 I was working in a corporate position, living on my own in NYC, paying my rent, paying my student loans, and getting by.
I find this post really intersting as I am in somewhat of a similar situation. I guess my SO doesn't have a hobby/passion that he puts all of his time and money into I just make more than he does. And it is definitely frustrating for me. We have been together over 3 1/2 years and aren't engaged yet (I'm a waiting bee) and it's because of MONEY. I kind of resent him for this now because he wants to do it without any assitance from me financially which has caused me to have to WAIT. He lost his job and has been looking for the last two months but nothing so far (the economy sucks). He has no income and I'm taking care of all the bills just fine. Although when he was working his check pretty much went towards his bills and necessities. He graduated from HS but no college degree. I will be done with my BA in two months.
He is not lazy at all though. When we started dating he was working two jobs. It's just that the field that he has experience in doesn't really pay much. While I was lucky to work in a field where I could advance and make more money. I'm in my late 20's and he's in his late 30's so this scares me for when we do get engaged, then married. How will we support a family when everything falls back on me pretty much? Anything extra curricular, leisure, or luxury I have to fund.
I think as a woman it's hard not having that security blanket. Just knowing that your mate can hold it down equally or greater than you is frustrating. Especially when planning for the future and wanting kids. I didn't necessarily want to be a stay at home mom (although that would be great) but I did want to spend a descent amount of time at home with my child(ren) when I had them before going back to work but as it stands I won't be able to do that.
And to add on what the OP said I would like for my SO to have a little more drive as well. He TALKS about things he would like to do or that he's interested in but doesn't act on it and it frustrates me because I'm completely opposite. Sorry I couldn't provide any sound advice but just hoping you know that you are not alone. Anyone feel free to PM me. I've been looking for someone to talk to about this but didn't even think about the other boards. I spend so much time in "waiting".
I'm in a somewhat similar situation, but there are two differences:
1) I'm a phd student, so I'm not really a breadwinner - i could not afford to support us both.
2) He desperately wants to find a job (and is actively trying) and is crazy worried about the future - he just doesn't know how to find one. He has an MA in history from a prestigious university, but that doesn't get you very far in today's world, especially when he's spent the last several years as a phd student/TA.
Right now we're living off my stipend and his savings from way back. But it's getting scary. THANK GOD we live in massachusetts so he can have good health insurance despite not being employed.
EDIT: I totally hear you, OP, about the worry about the future. I have that all the time. For me that's separate from the issue of who's the primary earner. I am perfectly willing to be the primary earner, as long as A) we have a reasonable standard of living and B) we're both contributing to our household. It's just that right now A) isn't possible on my income.
We just had a really good talk about it actually. Part of the problem is he has trouble opening up emotionally but he finally admitted to me that the only thing he really WANTS out of this experience is to finish their album (which will be in a month or so). He's never been interested in fame. For him it has been proving his dad wrong that they wouldn't ever get this far (his dad was a pretty big jerk and very unsupportive of EVERYTHING he did growing up). After the album is printed he said he will be done and he'll be happy to find a job.
Wish he would have told me this sooner but at least now I have some reassurance.
I am also in the same situation sort of. I have a steady well paying job, have the health insurance and have a graduate degree. Fiance used to be in military, now he's working temp (decent wage) but he's going to be a FT student to get his graphic design/animation after we get married.
Clearly, after we get married, I will be the primary breadwinner for a while. And I honestly think that I will be for a long time. But I am OKAY with that, I accept the responsibility because I do understand that I have 8-years advantage over him (he was in the Air Force for 8 years while I went to college). Also, I am OKAY with this because I know this isn't permanent and that I know he's very hard working and he's also ambitious and will do whatever it takes to take care of me and provide our family someday. We too have long discussions about this issue, and I told him what my expectations are and that I want him to work hard for our future together. But we both know that I probably will make more money than him for a while, and he is OK with it and I am OK with that because I know he will and he is contributing something to the table.
I think this is something that you two need to sit down and discuss.
So, I guess, all I am saying is is ... everyone's situation is different but no matter what you'll have to be okay with the fact that you maybe the breadwinner - if you aren't ok with it then you need to sit down and talk about it. As far as myself, I accept that responsibility and will gladly do so, I love what I do. And we have talked about once we have kids, what will happen and such. He made it clear to me that if it's needed, he will stay at home and take care of the kids if it comes down to that. I am OK with that and as long as he's contributing (doesn't have to be more than me), then I am OK with that.
Sorry I am rambling at this point, but I guess you are not alone and it is OK to worry a little about what will happen in the future. The main thing is for you two to discuss about this ... good luck sweetie
I'm in this situation as well. We met on an internship just out of college. He's in the animal/zoo industry (or trying to be) and I got a successful buisness job by fate I suppose. So I'm moving up fast and am way younger than everyone in my arena. It's frustrating. I know he wants something and actively tries to apply. However, it's just not pulling through. That's where his passion is so he has no want to pursue anything anywhere else. He has a job now, it just doesn't pay the greatest.
I love my job and plan to stay in it for some time to come, but really I always wanted to be a stay at home mom. Really really wanted to for my kids, and now that will never happen.
@Potatoes: I feel sad for you, your bf is incredibly selfish to care more about music and making no money then he does about you.
I personally would never marry someone without at least a high school diploma, cuz at this point, you can't do anything without it.
Hubs is currently the main breadwinner, but that won't last for long. He works extremely hard at his job, but there is a cap to how much he can make and he will cap out on that soon. I, on the other hand, have no cap and plan on busting my ass to make it to the top asap. By the powers of residual income, I plan to be able to retire by 40, and have my husband quit his job and come work with me by this time next year, if not sooner. He has absolutely no problem whatsoever about me making more money then him, and if anyone had anything bad to say about it in our circle, I would personally put my foot in their ass
FI's family was not very supportive of him growing up (his mom didn't graduate from HS either). He's incredibly intelligent and the only reason he dropped out in the first place was social anxiety. He was homeschooled for a while and it really made things difficult for him. I think if someone doesn't wish to further their education and they aren't intelligent they have a disadvantage, however FI is willing to get his GED, we just are working towards stability first.
I think his reasons for wanting to finish up his music project at this point are completely valid. His dad has cancer and all of FI's life he told him that music is pointless and he'll never amount to anything. Their album is his way of proving to his dad that he was wrong about him and I support him 100%, which is something his family was never capable of. His dad was always trying to prove himself to his grandfather, but his grandfather died of a reoccurence of cancer before he had the chance and I don't want that to happen to FI.
I know to some people that may sound selfish of him, but I completely understand feeling like you have to prove yourself. Had I known that this was the only thing he was waiting to finish, I wouldn't have complained here about it. FI has a hard time (due to his upbringing and his dad being emotionally unavailable) opening up, but now that we are on the same page and he explained the delay we are working towards a new goal.
@Potatoes: Thanks for explaining, that does make sense. I feel really bad for the people who have a hard time growing up, but think so much of them when they are able to overcome it, and make something of themselves. I hope that this completed project will propel him to do even bigger and better things since he's certainly capable of them!
Oh most definitely! I had the advantage of growing up in a very supportive family and I think they're a good influence on him. :) It hasn't been easy, but he's learning that it's okay for family to help you out and to open up to people. He's probably one of the smartest people I know, he just has some baggage that we need to get him through. (and who doesn't really?)
I never thought I would be in this situaion, but as of a month ago, I am! For the past couple of years, my man had a really good, well-paying corporate career, while I was working 2 minimum wage jobs at the same time to get by. Then a year ago he referred me to his company, I got hired, a short while ago was promoted to a much better position. We were both very excited...until he lost the job about 2 months later :( I think it might have had something to do with the awkward situation of my becoming my future husband's "superiour" after a relatively short time with the company. So for now I'm the ONLY breadwinner in our little family.
Although I can support us like this, it's such a far stretch from what we had going on before, having TWO good corporate salaries coming in...we were definitely living a lifestyle we could not keep up now, which kind of sucks. Of course he's looking for a new job, but in the meantime like many of the men mentioned here, he is a musician, so he has been playing a lot of music now that he actually has free time. I told him I would support him as long as job-searching has priority. :o)
@Potatoes:so awesome that he has a supportive family, even though its not his own. I was so lucky to marry into a family that is just as great as my own, so now I have twice the support to go around :)
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hi all,
I don't reallly have anyone one else to talk to about my worries/fears so thought i would let loose here.
I'm the main breadwinner in my relationship. I have a very good job and actually enjoy it. My fiance however is working a minimum wage paid job and hates it. His true passion is his music and its where his heart lies. He still does it on the side but has his regular day job. we've talked about our future many a time and he knows he needs to get a 'career' started. i.e. his music doesnt pay the bills and he knows he needs to get out of his minimum paid wage job. to cut a long story short he doesnt really have any ambition or drive when it comes to non-music related work. he knows he needs to find a new job however puts minimal effort into finding one. He tried hard for a while but got disheartened after sending numerous applications and not hearing anything bck (urgh dont you hate the economy??!). he looks to me for guidance about wat he should do, what his next step should be, but honestly i can tell someone what to do! i try to help him as much as possible, but i cant pick a career for someone.
Sometimes i feel like i'm the only one truly worrying about our future. I try to be supportive and i do feel bad as it is a really bad job market out there, however i dont really know how to guide him. he has no idea even where to start looking for a job. he applies on line but hears nothing. even worse that that he has no idea what he wants to do. i keep telling him, you need to figure an idea out of what you want to do longterm but he really has no idea. I think he just wants a 9-5 which pays half decent and he can come home and forget about it.
I also don't really have anyone else to talk to about this. i know my family worry about us and our future, and dont think very highly of him because i am already the main breadwinner. Not that they are traditional but they probably expected me to be a stay at home mom, but right now that would never be on the cards.
I think basically i freak out sometimes about our future, and i want him to find the perfect job but its so hard sometimes. i want to be supportive but without being a nag. I know everyone has their worries, sometimes its nice to talk about them.
sorry this has been a ramble - I guess all i'm trying to put across is i worry about our future and it sucks that people have such strong opinions about the women being the main breadwinner :(