Post # 1
Not child free by choice but child free by… nature’s choice.
I made a post a while ago about adoption because we found out that I can’t ever have kids. My ovaries are shutting down and I’m going into menopause at age 27. Literally, I’m not eligible even for IVF.
We had one baby last year but we lost him at 12 weeks. My doctor gave me a speech about how I can use donor eggs to conceive but I’m just not interested in that for a million reasons. If we were going to do the non-genetic route we would just adopt.
The more I read about adoption and other options (like Snowflake adoption) the more depressed I become. Just because it’s hitting home to me that my body is broken and I won’t have what my mother had, what it seems like EVERYone has, and some take for granted, a biological child.
I just can’t believe this is happening to me.
I’m in a haze all the time and when I come out of it there’s so much pain. Like somebody hit me over the head with a hammer, so I’m pretty numb, but every once in a while I remember someone hit me over the head with a hammer and the hopeless feeling swells up.
Why me?? Why? Why is this happening? I am a believer and my faith in God is not tested, but I just feel so alone, for the first time I understand people who say they pray and it’s like no one is listening. I visit support groups online but somehow I feel even more lonely and focused on my loss afterward. On the local news there was recently a story about a 21 year old woman with 3 kids and she poisoned the oldest because she “couldn’t take him anymore.” Why exactly is someone like that super fertile? And I am not?
Sorry for the rant.
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2014 - Lodge
Oh gosh I’m so sorry! I can’t even imagine. When I was 16 I was going through chemo treatments for cancer. I went an entire year without having my period, the doctors told me that because of my age at the time and the type of chemo I was getting there was a good chance I’d never be able to have any. Thankfully that wasn’t the case because both pregnancies I never had any complications or even issues getting pregnant. It breaks my heart when I hear mothers who desperately want kids can’t have any. I would love to be a serrogate but again my health history kind of prevents that.
I know what you mean when you get angry because someone takes for granted that they have a child but don’t want them anymore. All these sick people killing their children. I can’t think about it without getting tears in my eyes.
But you should seriously consider adoption. Some child out there is just waiting for a mother like you to take them home. Or some young scared girl is hoping a nice family will want their child so it can have a life she can’t give it. Not to sound cliche or anything but maybe your reason for being a mom isn’t so you can raise biological children, but so you can help a less fortunate child. Maybe by adoption you can both be saved. Just a thought.
Post # 4
Hey hun, I am truly sorry you are going through this! About a year ago, I was told that I couldnt have kids so my heart goes out to you! I can understand the pain you feel and the countless tears. *hugs* My sister cant either and shes adopting two beautiful kids from Ethopia. There are a lot of us out there. Please feel free to let out your frusteration and hurt. We will do our best to listen and hug you from afar 🙂
Post # 5
Wow, I am so sorry about your situation.
I’m not *unable* to have children, but my Hashimoto’s disease is going to make it very difficult. The antibodies can cross the placenta and wreck havoc on a developing fetus, ending up with anything between complete miscarriage (placental abruption is common. Fantastic), the child being born hypothyroid, etc. It’s linked with a greatly increased frequency of spontaneous abortions, too. We’ve got a few years before we’re planning to even try, but I’m sort of dreading it.
I know it can’t compare to your situation, but I just wanted to say I know at least a little bit of the feeling. I didn’t used to want kids; now that I know it’s going to be very difficult, I find myself being jealous/angry at those who get pregnant without even trying and those who abandon their children or harm them, like the news story you mentioned.
Stay strong and take care of yourself. Menopause is no easy thing in and of itself. Make sure you’re getting the treatment you need.
Post # 6
@Magdalena: I received the same diagnosis at 26. (I’m 31 now.) I’m also not an IVF candidate and received the same donor egg speech (and continue to every time I go to the doctor). My circumstances were a bit different at the time I was diagnosed, as I was (and still am) unmarried, so I wasn’t trying to actively conceive — nor have I ever TTC. So while I can’t understand the frustration of trying to get pregnant and having no success, I do share your pain with this condition.
It’s hard. It hurts. And it’s OK to mourn, because over the last few years, that’s what I’ve finally figured out this feeling is — mourning the children I won’t have. Mourning the moments I feel I’ve gotten cheated out of.
Over the last few years it’s gotten difficult as I’ve watched many friends and family members — some who swore they never wanted children — get pregnant and happily spread the good news. It’s infuriating hearing the stories you’ve described where people take for granted their children.
I guess my point is it does suck. It sucks that no one seems to understand. It sucks that people feel compelled to give you the “oh you never know” speech (when yes, we do in fact know). It sucks that it’s not fair.
But I also believe in my heart that I will someday figure out this heartbreaking journey. And while I don’t know what that journey is going to look like or where it will take me — whether down a path I once thought sligtly creepy (donor eggs), down the road or across the ocean — when I see their little faces I will understand and be grateful for the path that led me to them. … You will find your path, too. 🙂
Have your doctors identified the cause of premature ovarian failure?
Please feel free to message me anytime if you need to vent or just want someone to listen.
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2014 - Disney
I have a child from a prior marraige. I had her at an inopportune time due to issues and I’m glad I did. I’m 31 now and I’m not reccomended for further pregnancies due to the issues I had carrying her, and health issues I’ve developed since then. So its not that I cant get pregnant its that my health is about 95% certain to not let me carry a baby to term without me being severely harmed/killed in the proccess. Plus I have to be removed off of medications months in advance of trying to conceive, and there is a high chance those medicines which are shakey at best right now wont work after having another baby. We’ve thus chosen no future pregnancies because the risks are so very high and the possibility very unlikely for me and baby to make it to term (baby may not even make it past 4 months again another nightmare I dont want to face emotionally). Its heart breaking but I love my daughter and I know she was a gift.
Post # 8
I’m sorry. It hurts so much when I read about stuff like this — I wish everything were fair, and people who wanted kids could always have them, and curses like that would be only on people like me who don’t want any kids in the first place. I have such weird thoughts about this… I wish medicine would invent a way I could trade my fertility to someone like you so everyone could be happy.
Post # 9
I am so so sorry. That must be really hard news to deal with. This is exactly the reason why I hate when people have to ask ‘so when are you having babies?’ People do not realize situations like this exist. I hope you can find the happiness and love you are looking for and I know it will happen for you 🙂
Post # 10
I am so sorry.. I am sending hugs your way. I’m not sure what to say. =/
Post # 11
I am so sorry to read this. I feel for you and I have no words. Sending lots of good thoughts your way. My FI had a vasectomy 3 years ago, he was married before we got together, and although I know it was his choice it was not mine and I want children so badly. While we are planning to get a reversal theres a chance that I too will never be able to have children that belong to the man I love. Writing that out hurts. My thoughts are with you.
Post # 12
@Magdalena: I’m so sorry. I cannot have children either. It’s been very difficult. How is your husband? Rely on him to support you if you can. My husband is what got me through and continues to strengthen me every day. He says this is God’s way of having us devote our lives to each other. He says I am a gift from God and he does not need anything else to make his life complete. I have come to feel the same way and I am happy. I no longer feel that unbearable sense of loss. I hope that whichever path you choose, that you find peace. And happiness.
Post # 13
My mom couldnt have kids and her 2 sisters couldnt either! My Brother and I were adopted and my 2 cousin were too! Keep you chin up! Everything will work out! *HUGS*
Post # 14
@Magdalena: I haven’t been on WB for a long time but logged in a little while ago. I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. You’re one of the nicest people and it’s incredibly unfair that you and your husband are going through this. Just know that I’m thinking of you and sending out love to you.
Post # 15
@kariebee43: so you know what it’s like, when people say “you never know” and I want to scream YES I DO. They can’t figure out why I have premature ovarian failure. It’s not autoimmune, all the tests are negative. My twin sister is getting tested in a week or so and maybe that will shed some light – if she has the same condition obviously something happened genetically. Did they find out what caused yours?
My doctor is so dismissive, it hurts. We only had a few appointments with him, he tested my FSH and found it was sky high, and then he basically washed his hands of me in a very humiliating phone conversation. I was at work and just sat at my desk with tears pouring down.
@MrsWishyWashy: my husband must be grieving too, I am sure, but he doesn’t show it like I do. I feel like he is pretending nothing is wrong and we should just go on with our lives like nothing has changed. I feel that everything has changed! Everything has been ruined… I know that’s not true but that’s how it feels. It upsets me that he doesn’t share his feelings with me or express any grief. I know he is just dealing with it differently but it makes me feel so desolate and alone.
Post # 16
@Magdalena: I’m so sorry you are going trough this and had to experience that kind of treatment from a dr. I hope you and your DH can find a way to resolve in some way be it further medical intervention, a change of heart re. Donor eggs or adoption. Thinking of you xox