Post # 1
I was talking to my ex’s mom today. We get along really well and I still talk to her and ex’s sisters sometimes. (ex and I dated for a couple years back in high school, over a decade ago) While looking for more photos of my sisters and I to put on my wedding site I had happened upon photos of ex’s mom helping me get ready for prom. She was so sweet and wonderful and mom-like and she still is. It got me kind of sad thinking about how I just don’t get along the same with FI’s family as I did with every guy’s family that I dated previously. I feel like any other guy I dated I would have loved to have been a part of their wonderful family. Why does the one guy I want to marry have to have such a crappy family? From the start I have never really gotten along very well with his Mom or sister. Like we just don’t click at all. I feel like they were always sort of cold with me and I got the impression they didn’t like me/didn’t think I was good enough, etc. But I feel it’s only gotten worse over the years.
My FI and I dated for three and a half years, broke up for about two months, then have since dated again for the past six and a half years. Now we are getting married. During the time when we broke up his mother went absolutely crazy on me. When I say crazy I mean she pretty much stalked me and created false myspace accounts just to harrass me and mock me online. He didn’t believe it was her at first, until I showed him that she had info that no one else could possibly know. Eventually he did admit it was definitely her, despite his repeated requests that she leave me alone. When we got back together she acted all nice again and started buying me gifts and pretending to like me, but I feel like everything she does is false. My FI has also told me stories about her doing crazy things to people in the past and being generally neglectful and mentally abusive growing up. His sister and I, I think are very different people. I don’t feel like we’re on the same page. FI and I like to talk about current events, she wants to talk about celebrities. She is someone who is very concerned about appearances. Physically and socially. I’m overweight, I don’t usually wear makeup, like to wear vintage stuff. FI says he really loves how I am and that I’m natural. She dyes her hair all the time, has breast implants, wears lots of makeup, really skinny, always following the current trend, very concerned about looks, etc. I’m not saying anything against people who like to look a certain way, I’m just saying it isn’t me. I wouldn’t care that we’re two different people, it’s just that I always feel like she’s judging me for not living up to her standards of beauty. She also likes to talk about how much money she has (more than us) and all the trips she goes on, things she buys, etc. I think it’s great she can go on nice vacations. If she wants to share photos wonderful. But the way she acts like “oh, you don’t do that?” “Why haven’t you done that?” it feels judging. I also feel like both his mom and sister are only pretending to be kind now for the appearance of a happy family. But then they will make snarky comments about FI and I. Plan family events every time when I’m working. When they do invite us for dinner they won’t make a vegetarian option for me even though they have known for ten years I’m a vegetarian. They have said I can eat the mashed potatos or whatever on the side. They constantly talk down to us and act like we need to be told what to do or how to live our life. Examples: Seven months ago we were deciding on colors for the wedding. When FI mentioned we thought of doing brown and gold she flipped out at us. Like yelling, cursing, and slamming doors because we didn’t “understand” what was wrong with a brown suit at a wedding. It’s not her wedding, why does she even care? She insisted she was mad because we weren’t involving her in the wedding, yet when I made an event specifically for her and FMIL to be involved neither showed up. She ditched me without even a phone call. I ended up sitting at a fancy restaurant alone for an hour insisting that I was meeting someone there. It was so sad. She also went off on me about the invitations, tried to lecture me about getting a registry ( I already had two and was perfectly happy with them) I guess I could go on but this is too long already. The point is I don’t think his family likes me at all and I’m sad about it because I wish I got along as well with them as I did everyone else’s families. Anyone else go through something similar?
Post # 3
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
Based on your story, it’s really amazing how much your FI stands up for you when his family tries to put you down.
Each family will have its own dysfunctions. It sounds like your FMIL and FSIL are both attention-crazed. Try changing the subject when any sort of bragging happens. Don’t give in. It sucks because when either of them acts THIS childish, you’d have to be the adult.
I think, or rather, I’m assuming, that FMIL and FSIL feel threatened by you. You make them feel insecure about themselves, so their reaction is to try to put you down.
If I was in your position, if they were being rude to me and not offer any vegetarian options, I would thank them and leave the dinner table with the FI to go eat elsewhere. I would probably limit contact with them and not give them the attention they desire.
I found an article that might be helpful to you:
Post # 4
Honestly the relationship between me and FMIL is very tense and I really don’t like it! But I love him enough to deal with it and just carry on.
It is very tough when you don’t think that the relationships are good, but remember you are with FI and not his family (they are just an add on), and it sounds like FI is great at standing up for you which is awesome (took forever for me to get FI to stand up to his mum!)
Post # 5
Thank you so much for the support. I guess I just needed to vent. I know I should just limit my time with them and ignore any nastiness from them. I guess I have just been disappointed between his family disliking me and my own mom ditching almost everything and not seeming interested in my wedding. When I saw the photo of my ex’s mom helping me get ready for prom I just thought “That’s what I want for my wedding!” I want that mother figure here with me for all the wedding stuff the way I imagined it would be. She and ex’s sisters were always so sweet and caring and involved and I think I’m just sad that I don’t have that right now with my family or my FIs.
I’m really lucky that I have some great friends though and the beehive for support! Thank you so much, it really means a lot to me. <3
Post # 6
I don’t. They hate me…both of us actually…DH (their son) & I.
They think I’m the cause of his new, healthy behaviors and don’t believe he’s been in therapy, doing the work himself for nearly 2 years. He’s tried to tell them but they don’t believe him…instead they say it’s me. His mom never liked me…no idea why really…I personally think she’s insecure. His dad (they are divorced) was really nice but his second wife….no better than the first..just a younger version. She’s insecure too.
Anyway, his mom has tried everything to stop our wedding and break us up. She’s tried to ruin our marriage a few times…including involving her own family to do mean things to us. We talk to none of them and prefer it that way.
I wish I had a different MIL…I’m still friends on Facebook with my hs boyfriend’s mom! How funny…reading about you. We don’t talk on the phone but every pic I post (including new husband) she compliments it. Anyway…she and I just clicked then and she too was so motherly and sweet. just the other day I wondered why she couldn’t be my MIL or someone like her. But then, I wouldn’t have my husband. 🙁 I choose him. 😉
Post # 7
@BriansBride: First, paragraphs are your friend.
Second your FI’s Mom sounds like she’s nuts. Even if the reason for your breakup was due to you doing something terrible to her son, her subsequent actions and stalking you were deranged. It would be deranged behavior from a 13 year old girl let alone a grown woman.
The sister sounds shallow and insecure. Understand this – anyone who needs to tear others down to build themselves up is not a happy person. I’m more sympathetic to her because she was raised by a crazy woman so it’s not surprising she has some issues.
Standing you up was inexcusable.
My advise is to avoid them. Be grateful they schedule family events when you’re not there. Don’t accept dinner invitations or if you do, bring your own food if there’s nothing you can eat. Talk to the sister about herself, what she’s doing. She’ll like that and the less you offer up about yourselves, the less she’ll have to sneer at.
Most important – your FI must, MUST, MUST not ever talk to them, but particularly the Mom, about your relationship, any disagreements, arguments or problems you might have. Married people shouldn’t do this even with sane relatives but his mother has demonstrated pretty spectacularly that she won’t respond appropriately or objectively. This is a woman who must needs be kept at arms length.
Sorry you have to deal with them. Good luck.
Post # 8
Eek, I’m the awful devils advocate, but brown is kind of a large fashion no-no for a wedding. People will talk about the color of your wedding more than your wedding.
That said, UGH! I’m so sorry that this happened to you. But it sounds like you have a great fi to help you through it! And supports you so that’s amazing. I feel as if this is one of those grin and bare it situations though. You should smile and let nothing get to you and eventually, they will succumb to boredom and stop giving you a hard time.
Post # 9
I won’t say I don’t get along with his family but I still struggling to fit into his family.
His family is big (8 kids and he is the youngest) so they are not as close as I am to my own family. My family only have me and my brother, I feel really comfortable make silly jokes with my SIL .. in away, we are like sister.
His entire family are quite distant (or my FI word it as independent), I can see myself get along with his second sister which she make silly jokes too Also, they all old enough to be my aunt or my mother….. so kinda hard and I’m still trying
Post # 10
I’m in a similar situation, so I really sympathize with you. The mom of my high school boyfriend loved me (she hugged me and cried when I came back to visit during college), while my FMIL would be dancing in the streets if we called off the wedding. She also refuses to have vegan/vegetarian things for me and my FI (he’s been vegetarian for over a year now), and she once tried to convince FI that they should take me to a dairy farm so I could see how happy the cows are, and then I would drink milk. She was always cold to me and generally ignored my existence, but after we got engaged she decided to lay into me about really personal things and basically try to prove that I shouldn’t be marrying my FI. Thankfully, my FFIL and FSIL realize that she’s being crazy, and have actually come to me and apologized for her behavior.
Sometimes when I hear about the great relationships others have with their FILs, I get extremely sad. And it makes me nervous thinking about dealing with this for the rest of my life. Ultimately, the only thing you can do is be polite, try to shut down inappropriate conversations, and always be the bigger person. And then come to Bee and vent about how crazy your MIL is 🙂
Post # 11
@BriansBride: Ugh–I feel for you!
My FIL hates me. When we met I was waitressing, and DH was the big corproate genius he is. So he thinks I’m a Gold Digger (despite that I’m also 6 years younger than DH, and was finishing my degree when we met! Within 6 months I was teaching preschool…)
Then he didn’t want us moving in together (we were 22 and 28…), and REALLY didn’t want us getting married (23 and 29…). And then I got pregnant, and he “confided” in DH that “the whole family” (No, FIL… Just you) was worried I was “anorexic and starving the baby”.
Yeah. ILs that hate you suck.
Post # 12
@BriansBride: I’m pretty much in the same boat (except my ex’s fam and I don’t speak anymore).
My ex’s mom, dad, sister and grandparents were like a second family to me and got along very well with my family which at the time, was just my mom and grandma. We always did things TOGETHER. Holidays, events, outings, etc. His sister was a couple years younger than me and told me she considered me a sister as well which was great b/c I’m an only child.
Well, we were seniors in high school and the relationship didn’t work out. My biggest regret was always not keeping in touch with his family. My mom wanted to stay friends with his mom but out of respect for me, never did. It ended badly, very immaturely.
Flash forward 10+ years to my current situation: my FI is an only child as well which obvi, I can’t hold against him. But this means we’ll never have nieces/nephews nor will our kids have any cousins. To boot, his parents are divorced, do not get along and both very strange people in their own way. I would say I “get along” fine with both of them, but I’m never truly comfortable b/c I don’t really think they care that much about me, or him, or our marriage or their future grandchildren…
My mom has extended many invitations and suggested “family” things with his mom before, and it’s always just weird, or it’s like she’s being inconvenienced.
So…I completely understand. At the end of the day, this is not the in-law relationship I pictured for myself but I look forward to starting my own family with my FI.
Post # 13
I personally have nothing to do with his family, and he prefers it that way. His own chaplain told him that he needs to keep them away from me. You know it’s bad then! lol His father and I have spoke just once via email in over a year. His mom is a vile woman and he’s thisclose to cutting her out of his life totally. His father goes back and forth on being nice, then saying something hugely dickish about me/us.
You do not have to have any family functions with them. You CAN decline, and your FI should support you in that. You come first. Period.
Post # 14
@happilyeveraftergirl: have you ever been to a fall wedding? I’ve been to two which featured a gorgeous chocolate brown and it looked fantastic.
@BriansBride: sorry to hear hat your FMIL sounds like such a pill. I agree with PP about just ignoring her though. This should be your happy planning time!
Post # 15
@Zhabeego: I feel like I pressed “Enter” a few times starting a new paragraph, but I guess because the previous sentence ended at the right most part of the page, you can’t really tell where the spaces are?
I thought there was an edit button on here! Sorry, I can’t seem to fix it.
I guess I might understand her reaction more if I had done something horrible, but I didn’t. We broke up because he had cheated on me.
They both stood me up more than once. I never want to plan anything with them again. They insist they want to be involved, but clearly they don’t.
Last time we went over there I told FI I wanted to eat first because they never have anything for me. He told me how they repeatedly told him they were making something meatless specifically for me and insisted I didn’t eat before. When I got there they had meatloaf and told me I could have the green beans on the side.
Thank you for your support!
@happilyeveraftergirl: Here’s the thing though, you sound calm and rational and are telling me you don’t think brown is a good choice for a wedding. That is fine, that is normal. I wasn’t upset that she disagreed with some of our wedding ideas. I was upset that she yelled, cursed, slammed our front door, cried and then wouldn’t come in our house because she didn’t like the color was were thinking of as a possibly for our wedding.
They insist that we simply agree with whatever they want in our life or for OUR wedding. If we disagree with anything they say, even something as stupid as this they act like we are horrible people for not just doing whatever they want us to.
When his sister had her temper tandrum his Mom acted like we had done something to her. All we did is say we thought brown and gold might make nice colors! BUt how dare we disagree! (We ended up not doing brown anyway, FI liked the grey tux on him better so our colors are Black, white, grey, and silver)
Brown wedding ideas:
I was thinking of doing dresses like this. Then the guys like this, but with brown vests and gold ties. Anyway, we didn’t end up doing it regardless.
Post # 16
@BriansBride: Good gosh!!! That is insane! They should definitely not react like that to your wedding colors!!! Sure, they could react like that if you said you were going to walk around NAKED on your wedding day and insist that everyone else be naked as well! But over colors?!?!
Your colors sound amazing btw!