Anyone else not get along with FI family?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2057 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

Based on your story, it’s really amazing how much your FI stands up for you when his family tries to put you down.

Each family will have its own dysfunctions. It sounds like your FMIL and FSIL are both attention-crazed. Try changing the subject when any sort of bragging happens. Don’t give in. It sucks because when either of them acts THIS childish, you’d have to be the adult.

I think, or rather, I’m assuming, that FMIL and FSIL feel threatened by you. You make them feel insecure about themselves, so their reaction is to try to put you down.

If I was in your position, if they were being rude to me and not offer any vegetarian options, I would thank them and leave the dinner table with the FI to go eat elsewhere. I would probably limit contact with them and not give them the attention they desire.

I found an article that might be helpful to you:

Post # 4
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Honestly the relationship between me and FMIL is very tense and I really don’t like it! But I love him enough to deal with it and just carry on. 

It is very tough when you don’t think that the relationships are good, but remember you are with FI and not his family (they are just an add on), and it sounds like FI is great at standing up for you which is awesome (took forever for me to get FI to stand up to his mum!)

Post # 6
2100 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I don’t. They hate me…both of us actually…DH (their son) & I. 

They think I’m the cause of his new, healthy behaviors and don’t believe he’s been in therapy, doing the work himself for nearly 2 years. He’s tried to tell them but they don’t believe him…instead they say it’s me. His mom never liked me…no idea why really…I personally think she’s insecure. His dad (they are divorced) was really nice but his second wife….no better than the first..just a younger version. She’s insecure too. 

Anyway, his mom has tried everything to stop our wedding and break us up. She’s tried to ruin our marriage a few times…including involving her own family to do mean things to us. We talk to none of them and prefer it that way. 

I wish I had a different MIL…I’m still friends on Facebook with my hs boyfriend’s mom! How funny…reading about you. We don’t talk on the phone but every pic I post (including new husband) she compliments it. Anyway…she and I just clicked then and she too was so motherly and sweet. just the other day I wondered why she couldn’t be my MIL or someone like her. But then, I wouldn’t have my husband. 🙁 I choose him. 😉

Post # 7
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@BriansBride:  First, paragraphs are your friend.

Second your FI’s Mom sounds like she’s nuts. Even if the reason for your breakup was due to you doing something terrible to her son, her subsequent actions and stalking you were deranged. It would be deranged behavior from a 13 year old girl let alone a grown woman.

The sister sounds shallow and insecure. Understand this – anyone who needs to tear others down to build themselves up is not a happy person. I’m more sympathetic to her because she was raised by a crazy woman so it’s not surprising she has some issues.

Standing you up was inexcusable.

My advise is to avoid them. Be grateful they schedule family events when you’re not there. Don’t accept dinner invitations or if you do, bring your own food if there’s nothing you can eat. Talk to the sister about herself, what she’s doing. She’ll like that and the less you offer up about yourselves, the less she’ll have to sneer at. 

Most important – your FI must, MUST, MUST not ever talk to them, but particularly the Mom, about your relationship, any disagreements, arguments or problems you might have. Married people shouldn’t do this even with sane relatives but his mother has demonstrated pretty spectacularly that she won’t respond appropriately or objectively. This is a woman who must needs be kept at arms length. 

Sorry you have to deal with them. Good luck.

Post # 8
1235 posts
Bumble bee

Eek, I’m the awful devils advocate, but brown is kind of a large fashion no-no for a wedding. People will talk about the color of your wedding more than your wedding.

That said, UGH! I’m so sorry that this happened to you. But it sounds like you have a great fi to help you through it! And supports you so that’s amazing. I feel as if this is one of those grin and bare it situations though. You should smile and let nothing get to you and eventually, they will succumb to boredom and stop giving you a hard time. 

Post # 9
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I won’t say I don’t get along with his family but I still struggling to fit into his family. 

His family is big (8 kids and he is the youngest) so they are not as close as I am to my own family.  My family only have me and my brother, I feel really comfortable make silly jokes with my SIL .. in away, we are like sister. 


His entire family are quite distant (or my FI word it as independent), I can see myself get along with his second sister which she make silly jokes too  Also, they all old enough to be my aunt or my mother….. so kinda hard and I’m still trying 

Post # 10
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I’m in a similar situation, so I really sympathize with you.  The mom of my high school boyfriend loved me (she hugged me and cried when I came back to visit during college), while my FMIL would be dancing in the streets if we called off the wedding.  She also refuses to have vegan/vegetarian things for me and my FI (he’s been vegetarian for over a year now), and she once tried to convince FI that they should take me to a dairy farm so I could see how happy the cows are, and then I would drink milk.  She was always cold to me and generally ignored my existence, but after we got engaged she decided to lay into me about really personal things and basically try to prove that I shouldn’t be marrying my FI.  Thankfully, my FFIL and FSIL realize that she’s being crazy, and have actually come to me and apologized for her behavior.

Sometimes when I hear about the great relationships others have with their FILs, I get extremely sad.  And it makes me nervous thinking about dealing with this for the rest of my life.  Ultimately, the only thing you can do is be polite, try to shut down inappropriate conversations, and always be the bigger person.  And then come to Bee and vent about how crazy your MIL is 🙂

Post # 11
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@BriansBride:  Ugh–I feel for you!

My FIL hates me. When we met I was waitressing, and DH was the big corproate genius he is. So he thinks I’m a Gold Digger (despite that I’m also 6 years younger than DH, and was finishing my degree when we met! Within 6 months I was teaching preschool…)

Then he didn’t want us moving in together (we were 22 and 28…), and REALLY didn’t want us getting married (23 and 29…). And then I got pregnant, and he “confided” in DH that “the whole family” (No, FIL… Just you) was worried I was “anorexic and starving the baby”.

Yeah. ILs that hate you suck.

Post # 12
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@BriansBride:  I’m pretty much in the same boat (except my ex’s fam and I don’t speak anymore).

My ex’s mom, dad, sister and grandparents were like a second family to me and got along very well with my family which at the time, was just my mom and grandma.  We always did things TOGETHER.  Holidays, events, outings, etc.  His sister was a couple years younger than me and told me she considered me a sister as well which was great b/c I’m an only child.

Well, we were seniors in high school and the relationship didn’t work out.  My biggest regret was always not keeping in touch with his family.  My mom wanted to stay friends with his mom but out of respect for me, never did.  It ended badly, very immaturely.

Flash forward 10+ years to my current situation: my FI is an only child as well which obvi, I can’t hold against him.  But this means we’ll never have nieces/nephews nor will our kids have any cousins.  To boot, his parents are divorced, do not get along and both very strange people in their own way.  I would say I “get along” fine with both of them, but I’m never truly comfortable b/c I don’t really think they care that much about me, or him, or our marriage or their future grandchildren…

My mom has extended many invitations and suggested “family” things with his mom before, and it’s always just weird, or it’s like she’s being inconvenienced. 

So…I completely understand.  At the end of the day, this is not the in-law relationship I pictured for myself but I look forward to starting my own family with my FI.      

Post # 13
47 posts
  • Wedding: June 2014

I personally have nothing to do with his family, and he prefers it that way. His own chaplain told him that he needs to keep them away from me. You know it’s bad then! lol His father and I have spoke just once via email in over a year. His mom is a vile woman and he’s thisclose to cutting her out of his life totally. His father goes back and forth on being nice, then saying something hugely dickish about me/us.

You do not have to have any family functions with them. You CAN decline, and your FI should support you in that. You come first. Period.

Post # 14
3519 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@happilyeveraftergirl:  have you ever been to a fall wedding?  I’ve been to two which featured a gorgeous chocolate brown and it looked fantastic.

@BriansBride:  sorry to hear hat your FMIL sounds like such a pill.  I agree with PP about just ignoring her though.  This should be your happy planning time!  


Post # 16
1235 posts
Bumble bee

@BriansBride:  Good gosh!!! That is insane! They should definitely not react like that to your wedding colors!!! Sure, they could react like that if you said you were going to walk around NAKED on your wedding day and insist that everyone else be naked as well! But over colors?!?! 

Your colors sound amazing btw!

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