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woops, thought the post got cut off and was going to continue it here. Just ignore :)
Sorry to hear your Dad's so hard to deal with. I can't really offer any advice other than make sure you're ready to deal with whatever his answer is if you do invite him. A friend of mine had the same issue for her wedding in October. Raised by her Mom, she was worried about her Dad making a scene or causing drama (or in this case, maybe your stepmom?) but when she did make a decision and invite him, he declined. Just make sure you're prepared for whatever happens. And if you're not… we're all here so you can vent.
That's a thought that's crossed my mind too. Definitely a chance he wouldn't come if I did invite him, and yes, it would hurt. Thanks for your encouragement :)
Oh, that's so tough. I'm sorry you are going through this before your wedding.
Maybe you can take some comfort from how my sisters and I have handled a similar situation:
Middle Sis was married the year after my parents' messy separation. The New Lady gave us the evil eye all the way through, and her presence next to my dad at the wedding was too much to bear for my mom. New Lady whisked my dad away from the reception early (after my dad gave a drunken and embarrasing father-of-the-bride speech). I watched my dad drive past without saying goodbye.
Oldest Sis was married nine years after the separation. Dad responded to her wedding invitation by demanding that my sister clears his reputation in our town (for the divorce, etc.) before he would attend. My sister was crushed, but her wedding ended up being beautiful and drama-free.
I married a year later and didn't bother inviting the Dad. No regrets! Our grandfather is much more of a 'dad' figure to me and did all the 'dad' things, as he did for Oldest Sis, and we got to enjoy our day with people who actually cared about us. 
In contrast with Middle Sis' wedding, our marriage took centre-stage at the celebration instead of my parents' failed one.
No one can replace our absent fathers - it's normal to long for a relationship with them - but when they have abdicated their roles and have proven that they can't be trusted, I think it's best to avoid the drama on our wedding days. Hope that helps!
@S-berry: Thank you so much! You definitely know exactly how it feels. I think you're right about having the focus be on our marriage, not on my parents' failed one.
And may your marriage be a strong one! i'd love to hear how things go for you and how you work out your family's involvement in the wedding.
eryepye,
It sounds like having your father present will only make you more worried, and that his past behavior certainly sets an unhealthy and emotionally detructive pattern. Plus, surely he'd bring his new wife and that would be awful for you! Still, you may need to do some soul searching to be really sure you won't regret it, even if it is the right thing to do. The same has happended to me several times, though not necessarily over my wedding.
I suggest that you think back over the past ten years. Were there any times me came through for you that make you think it could happen again? Certainly doesn't sound like it. If you can't figure out any, than please don't invite him and trust yourself on this one. It is true your wedding only happens once, but he's had lots of chances to earn his place there which he has blown.
Good luck. Thinking of you!
Eryepye, I am sorry you even have to think about this issue. How awesome that you have such a supportive family, though.
The parallels between your situation and my own are uncanny--our stories are identical but for your dad leaving town... my dad stuck around and the minute my mom moved out, her ex best friend moved in, and they were married as soon as the divorce was finalized. And your dad's wife sounds cuckoo, whereas my dad's wife is just really... bitchy. But I sooo get what it feels like to have to endure an estranged father doing the whole "proud dad" charade. It's actually validating to read about someone else having that feeling. It has infuriated me for years.
Anyway, even though I don't want him there, I will ultimately invite my dad to our wedding. My mom (who dislikes him as much or more than I do) thought it would be best for me to invite him. I think she thought that was in poor taste not to invite him. In my situation, not inviting him would cause a lot of drama, whereas just inviting him probably, in the end, won't be that big of a deal. I still keep in touch with my extended family on his side, and my siblings (whom I am very close to) still maintain a relationship with him, so it's really more for them than for him or me--I just don't want any of them to feel weird about it. Also, I don't have any fear that he'll cause a scene or anything, as we've kind of come to an unsaid understanding in the last few years that we're just... people who know each other. Acquaintances, I guess. He won't be in any family pictures, walking down the aisle, father/daughter dance, toast, or any of that. And I hope I don't have to even talk to him at our wedding, so I really wish he would just decline the invitation (although I am sure he won't).
So I guess what I have said is not really that helpful. I think in the end you should really just listen to what your gut tells you.
But just out of curiosity--was there like a big falling out between you guys? Or did you generally fall out of touch after he took off?
Also, if you find yourself still feeling conflicted and think you might want to invite him after all, you might also consider writing him a letter about your expectations regarding his role (or lack thereof) in your wedding and/or his behavior at the wedding. If he asks why, it might be a good opportunity to tell him that you're a lot different than the person he knew before, and that a lot of people have helped you grow over the years and become the person you are today, but he is not one of those people. And that you resent that he says that he is "proud" of you when he's been absent for so many years. He can be happy for you, and you can be proud of yourself, but he has no business being "proud" of you. Okay, I think I am now just projecting my own feelings onto your situation, but it was just a thought!
Thats so awful hon, i feel for you. My dad isnt coming to my wedding so i understand it can make you feel a bit confused.
Ultimately are you going to be hurt either way wether you invite him or he doesnt come of his own accord? Would you invite your step mom with him?
KARA321 has some great advice, go with that as i would just be repeating what she said.
Hugs to you though darl and take care of yourself xox
I have some really painful family history, too, and the most consuming part of my wedding planning has so far been agonizing over whether to invite my father. It's so hard in these situations. From what you're described, I would say don't invite him. I made the decision to invite my father, and I already regret it. I wish I had left him out of the whole planning process because 1) I feel really guilty about asking my Mom to be around him for an evening, and 2) his presence makes me feel agitated & unhappy. I wish it were different, but it's not. That's why I would recommend to you that you don't invite him.
I wish you all the best in this decision. And I hope that the joy of YOUR marriage is very healing!
I left home when I was 15 because my parents were abusive. I did not regret their absence at my wedding, nor any of the other occasions, like graduation, where I wanted parents. I've always missed having a parents, a reasonable parent, but I've never missed my biological parents. It's like losing someone to Alzheimer's: you can have the memory of how they once were, the good times, but realize that you've lost that person to something else. The person you once knew no longer lives.
I'm sorry. Embrace those you have in your life.
I have exactly the same issue with my father. I just decided about a week ago not to invite him to my wedding.
I won't go into it, but it's an eerily similar situation to what you've experienced. My take? (And this is only my opinion) - You don't want to spend your wedding looking around to ensure that your dad is in line, or saying the right things, or anything. You want the day to be focused on you.
It takes more than blood to be a father. My biological dad has been out of the picture for 15+ years, maybe closer to 20. I've seen him about two timee since I was 12/13...he has reached out to me over the years a handful of times via phone, but only in a drunken stupor when he was feeling pity on himself. I have been raised by my "step" father whom I have called "Dad" since I was 5/6 years old. This is the man that will walk me down the aisle and this is the man that 99% of my friends know as my dad, with no mention of the other man. Ironically, I have a great realtionship with my Aunt/Uncle on my biological father's side (and grandparents but they have since passed away) and my cousin is going to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. Even they fully support my decision, and quite honestly I've never even been asked if I would be inviting him, it's sort of a given that he's had no place in my life for a very long time and he has no place at my wedding.
Do what is right for you and don't think you owe him anything. This is your day...if he was a part of your life consistently leading up to the days before your wedding, he could have been a part of your big day, but in my opinion you don't owe him anything and you shouldn't feel conflicted over your decision.
I think you need to trust your feelings and instincts on this one. Other people might weigh-in, but ultimately, you have to make the choice yourself.
I did not invite my dad to my wedding and I definitely do not regret it. I haven't spoken to him in over 5 years (for various reasons) and he didn't even know that I was dating my husband, let alone getting married. My mom kind of wanted me to invite him (my parents have been divorced for almost 30 years), but I definitely knew that having him there would ruin the day for me. I would have been unnecessarily stressed and anxious having to deal with him. I also didn't want him there, trying to take credit for the person I've become. I didn't even give him a second thought and it was totally the right choice for me.
@Kara321: I'm glad someone else gets the "proud dad" thing...it's so....MADDENING! No, we didn't really have one big falling out, just many blow-ups over the years. Although, it kind of all went downhill right at the start when my sister and I actually heard our dad and mom's best friend hooking up before my parent's divorce was final and my now step-mom had even filed for hers. They also denied it and said we were liars in court...Also, at their wedding, all 7 (dad's 2 and her 5) children cried and begged them not to do it...so we didn't really start out well there.
@kelibella: The step-mom thing is another issue. I know he would refuse to come without her, but I would never want someone who's tried so hard to destroy my relationship with my father and just my self-worth in general at my wedding.
@cheerful: I think you're right, the dad I once knew as a child, who was so loving and involved, just isn't there anymore. It's like that person is gone/ dead/ has altzheimer's, what have you. It's just hard when that old person still looks and sounds like his former self.
@the rest of the lovely bees with similar situations, thank you so much for your support. It is really nice to know I'm not alone when it comes to this kind of situation. It's so darn difficult and I think a lot of people don't know what it's like dealing with an absent father, especially one who then tries to take credit for your own achievements when he's not been there offering support along the way.
A big, HUGE thank you! I truly love this place that is WeddingBee. :)
I had an abusive father & I haven't talked to him in about 5 years. I'm not inviting him to the wedding & I know the day will be more stress- free for me because of that. I may have a relationship with him in the future but I know now it is healthiest for me to focus on myself and the good people in my life. I'm confident in my decision.:)
Good luck with yours <3
I totally understand. There was only one family member of mine at my wedding, my cousin. The rest of my family, including my mother, are too much to handle. I knew they would make it the worst day in the world, instead of what it should be. It was the right choice for me, but you have to make that decision for you and no one else. Good luck. :)
(HUGS) I'm so sorry, this is supposed to be the happiest day of your life so make sure it is. Don't put yourself in a situation where you'll be worried or sad. If you think you'll regret having your dad there, have a heart to heart with him and tell him how you're feeling about the situation. Personally I'd rather do everything I could on my part and leave it to him to do his part. I really hope things work out for you.
eryepye, it sounds like not inviting him might be a wise choice, and you definitely have great reasons to do so!
If you're worried about regrets, is there a way you can do something unWedding to celebrate 'with' him (and his new family)? Like, a dinner at a restaurant? Something small but still acknowldging that you're getting married, he's your dad, and hopefully he's happy for you?
Or maybe that would just draw more attention to the fact that you're not inviting him. Scratch that, bad idea. :/
I am not having my "father" either he left when I was 13 and re-married and had kidsas well.
hun... it is his fault that he wasn't in your life. Try not to feel guilt about not having him... don't let his actions have that much power over your emotions that you turn his faults into your own. Shame on him for not being in your life. He made this situation to the point where you are not comfortable inviting him.
I actually just decided yesterday not to invite my father. My parents split when I was 9 and he's kinda always been in and out of the picture. Usually when he's around things just get worse and I feel like since we're not close he won't know anyone there and that just gives him more opportunity to drink and/or cause trouble... The potential of disaster overwhelms any possibility of good that could come out of it so I'm just not gonna put myself in that situation even tho he'll most likely have a cow about my decision. When it comes down to it its your wedding do what you feel is best for you and your future husband..
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Ok, this is a lot of drama, so brace yourself:
My parents were married for 16 years, and when they divorced over 10 years ago (I was 13), daddy ran off and married mommy's best friend. They moved away and he helped her raise her 5 children, but rarely saw my sister or me, blaming us for never coming to visit him. He has come back into my life every now and then in the past 12 years because I have repeatedly forgiven him and tried to make a relationship work, but it's never positive for very long. His wife hates my sister and me and constantly comes between us and our dad. She causes fights: she screams at us, calls us spoiled brats, physically sits between us and our father (and there are so many more crazy stories I can't even begin to tell such as trying to run him over with her car, or telling me I have evil "secrets" in my heart from the devil that she can help me remove...umm...?).
So, now to the wedding: my mind is made up that I'm not inviting my father. I feel like if he was there, he would cause the kind of drama he always does and ruin the day for everyone. I truthfully wish he could come and watch, be quiet and act like a grown up, but he's proven that he's unable to do so. His wife forbade him to attend my college graduation, but he came anyway (which I initially viewed as a positive sign), got obnoxious and put on the "great dad" show where he cried all over the place, told everyone how proud of me he was, insisted on being included and introduced as my father, etc. My family who has been there for me was disgusted by his charade. He doesn't really know me anymore, has never met my fiance and definitely hasn't been a father to me in a long time. His family, and mine, stand behind me 100% in my decision not to invite him. However, even with their support, I still feel conflicted, or like I'm heartless for not wanting my own father at my wedding.
Will I regret my decision someday? That is my toughest question. Is there anyone in a similar situation with difficult parents or have any kind of advice?