Post # 1
So this is more so to vent and just see who else is facing this issue. I’m 24 (getting married this year, my fiance is 26) and the furthest and absolute LAST thing on my mind is having a child. I think I’ll be 29-30 or even older before I even think I’ll be ready for one. I’m the kind of person who wants to be selfish for myself (and my fiance first) so we can travel and enjoy being married, and figure it all out before we bring another being into existence. My own mom didn’t have me until 39 and she is ALLLLLLLL about me holding off on the babies. HOWEVER, my FMIL is driving me insane with baby talk. She asks about baby names that we’ve thought of, and then keeps reiterating she is ready to be a grandmother. She keeps setting deadlines saying, “I’m expecting grandbabies in two years max.” And I’m firm about it. Every time she makes a comment like that, I just say, “Hmm. 10 years seems like a good time frame.” She also has made it clear that we don’t have the same idea of how to parent and she is quick to tell me how I’d do things wrong. I know it’s my body and ultimately mine and my fiance’s decision on when to be parents, but having someone else put a time clock on my uterus is getting on my last damn nerves. ESPECIALLY WHEN ITS NOT EVEN MY OWN MOM! Anyone else in the same boat of being pressured to be mommies?
Post # 3
I think it’s highly inappropriate for her to comment on it AT ALL, but ESPECIALLY since you’re not even married yet. Your husband needs to be a united front with you and he needs to tell her to stop.
Post # 4
@AlmostMrsJPS: My mom is all about the passive aggressive statements. At first it was, oh I don’t have any children who are married, it must be so nice, while I’m standing right there. Now she’s moved onto the, oh it must be so nice to have the pitter patter of grandchildren in your house, I wish I knew what that was like.
Post # 5
@AlmostMrsJPS: I would throw her for a loop and tell her you don’t want kids at all. LOL! Seriously tho, I don’t have that issue but I would be SO annoyed.
Tell her to MYOB! Or have your FI talk to her and tell her to cool it. Imagine how bad it might get once you are actually married!
Post # 6
@AlmostMrsJPS: Tell her that every time she brings up the subject of babies, it is going to push your timeline back a month, minimum… 😉
Post # 7
Oh man, I’m sorry your MIL is being like that! My DH and I are in the same boat of being mid-20s but not wanting kids any time soon (if ever). Our parents make the odd comments about “Won’t it be so nice when you have a baby??” but no where near what your MIL is doing.
I think it’s time for your FI to have a firm chat with her about boundaries… it seems like this type of behaviour will only escalate otherwise.
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2013 - Vine Street Church
Parents on either side have not bothered us, but my husband’s extended family has been on baby watch pretty much since we started dating. It’s creepy.
Post # 9
She’s very…I don’t want to say controlling…but…she doesn’t even want us to move out of state at any point because she depends on her son so much. She’s already freaking out about the idea of us moving further away from her (within the state). I kinda just want to move out of the state to spite her at this point. Don’t get me wrong, she’s sweet and kind and she is fond of me, but I can’t take the fact that she not only is telling me when she wants grandbabies, but the fact that how I’ll raise them won’t be the right way. I grew up with strict parents, and some can relate – but I have a retired military dad and an Asian mom. And she thinks that the way I was raised would be too “stressful” for a child. WUSSIFICATION OF AMERICA!
Post # 10
@AlmostMrsJPS: I would be so annoyed if my FMIL was doing this. This is probably one of the only things that she doesn’t annoy me about. My SO’s older brother got his girlfriend pregnant when they were 17, so his mom doesn’t really seem to push having children at a young age even though SO is almost 23 now. The only thing “pushy” that she’s said so far is that we should be married before we live together. We’ve known for a long time that we want to live together before marriage. We found out in late May 2013 that we were approved to move into an apartment in mid-August. She asked us if we would be getting married before the move. No!!! LOL
ETA: Saw your update about her judging your future parenting style as “stressful.” I know my FMIL will judge how we parent because it’s going to be completely different from how she did it. I’m a nanny, and she already judges me for how I care for children. I’m a bit more hands off as I believe children should be independent. If a child gets hurt (very minorly) I will usually ask them if they are okay, bleeding, think they need medical care, etc. If they say no I don’t really pay attention to any behavior. So far, it has worked well that the child usually stops crying within a few seconds. If they were seriously injured it be a different story, but my FMIL makes comments about this because she used to RUN to her children if they stubbed their toe. I just can’t wait to have kids, so that we can be judged all the time…
Post # 11
@AlmostMrsJPS: I took a tip from Dear Abby and used humor to diffuse people’s questions.
My favorite repsonses were as follows:
“When are you having children?”
My repsonses depedning on my mood:
“As soon as I find one with a good return policy”
or, I would smile and laugh and point and said ‘So you are going to babysit”/ “”Oh, give me your wallet so you can donate to their college fund’
Post # 12
@AlmostMrsJPS: Be prepared. She will want to be there in the room when her “pwecious weshious grannnnddbaby” is born.
Post # 13
I also have been thinking of IF I ever decide to have kids…I kinda only want one. Especially if we can only afford one. She HATES the idea of an only child, but I hate the idea of struggling to support a family while trying to give your children the world. She thinks the more babies, the better.
And my fiance, obviously I love him because I’m marrying him, but getting a mama’s boy to stand up to their mama is like pulling teeth. He’s not so much dependent on her as she is him, but he never wants to do anything to upset her, and this would be the worst in her eyes. I’ve told him and told him about how uncomfortable it makes me that she brings it up…and it’s not sticking to him. But the next time she brings it up, I’m just going to say, “I actually don’t want kids anymore.”
Post # 14
I’m getting this from my grandmother and one of my aunts, not so much my mom or my MIL. My grandmother wants to be a great-grandmother so bad and she’s always on the lookout for pregnancy announcements on Facebook. The aunt wants more children in the family and she commented on my status freaking out about my job (original post was “Oh my god, I think I’m going to puke. Or cry. Or both” with many back and forth comments about why I was feeling that way) and she posts, “ARE YOU PREGNANT???”
Yes, I’m going to post my reaction to a positive pee stick on facebook the moment I get it. *eyeroll*
It’s not just me that gets it, though – I have two other cousins who are married and they get the brunt of it because they’re able to visit more often.
Post # 15
@AlmostMrsJPS: We don’t want children, and find that some people just cannot/will not accept that. It can be extremely frustrating, but I’ve gotten better at dealing with it since ‘coming out’ as being childfree by choice.
In your situation I’d probably make light of it initially by ‘laughing it off’; if she gets very persistent then I’d maybe be a bit firmer and say that much as she might want grandkids within 2 years, that ain’t gonna happen, and she’s just going to have to deal with it.
Post # 16
@AlmostMrsJPS: For us, it’s not too soon per se. When we get married I’ll be 31 and FH will be 33, HOWEVER, it’s too soon for US mentally, emotionally and possibly financially. WE ARE STILL SELFISH and as much as I adore kids, I couldn’t see myself tied down to a baby in the next year or two.
Maybe my mind will change once we’re married and buy a house, but I enjoy my/our freedom and our life the way it is. I feel kids too soon wouldn’t give us time for our marriage to thrive on it’s own.