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I worry a lot too, but not divorce per se. Whether you work on your relationship or not is in your hands, and since you are clearly aware of this risk, you'll probably make sure it doesn't happen. I worry more about accidents, illness, losing jobs, and other things that are out of our control.
@Girlwitharing- It's interesting that you say that. FI has a dangerous job and if actually now trying to become a firefighter to add to it all. I guess I don't worry about that because I can't control it, but with divorce is something I think we can control if we want to. But at the same time I couldn't even imagine living as a widow.
I think it's perfectly natural to worry about how that huge life change (kids) and careers will affect your relationship. It worries me when I see my FILs, who have a great marriage but see each other for maybe 30 minutes every night because she's a nurse who works about 70 hrs/week plus time at the nursing home they co-own. She comes home to sleep for about five hours, and leaves again. He works a full-time job in a managerial engineering position, and then takes over as the "fix it" guy (and the bookkeeper!) at the nursing home.
I couldn't imagine seeing R so little, and that scares me. I know most couples don't work that much, but we are both pretty dedicated people, and much more like his parents than mine. So I'm constantly asking R "you'll try not to work night shifts every day, right? I can't sleep without you!" and he just laughs at me.
I know we'll make it work, and I'm not scared of divorce, but it is scary thinking about the huge lifestyle changes.
you are not the only one - i worry about it too.
my parents were married for 20 years and then got divorced. I am sure my mom didn't think she would ever get a divorce when she married my dad. I guess i am just scared of the unknown. I love my FI and i know we are nothing like my parents and are committed to working through things when they get rough, but sadly it's a reality of this world so it does pop into my mind now and again.
I think it's normal and healthy that you consider all aspects of marriage. I think the fact that you are aware of it will make you work harder at a successful marriage and will more quickly realize when it may be headed off track.
I think these are good discussions to have prior to getting married/having kids so you can set up time for date days or whatever to keep the connection strong :)
I don't worry about divorce so much as I worry about other things.
What happens happens...I refuse to worry about what could happen in the unforseen future and live my life afraid of tomorrow.
I worry, too. My parents, like furture Mrs.M's, separated after almost two decades of marriage and it freaks me out to think that could happen to me and FI. It's helpful to remember that there are lots of things within my control that we have committed to doing in order to keep our marriage healthy.
I worry about it too. FH's dad has been married 5 times, and while he's nothing like his father when it comes to relationships, it's still a little bit scary to know that he has that in his background.
I don't think I'm as worried about divorce as I am about other things. I'm absolutely afraid that we won't be able to have kids when we're ready or that I'll unexpectedly lose my husband. I feel like divorce is something that i'm able to control. No, i can't control my husband's feelings towards me, but i hope that we're both so committed to our marriage that we'll do anything to keep it together.
I worry about a lot of things too but divorce is not one of them. It may help that my parents are still married for nearly 30 years. Through the ups and downs they are still going strong.
Even though the hub's parents divorced I am positive he is in it for the long haul. He doesn't believe in divorce per se. He even wasn't too happy that his parents divorced even though for the safety of the family, they needed to. He understood but he just wish it didn't have to happen. He is a family person so it is too hard for him to have a separated family.
I worry about it too...my FI also thinks that I'm crazy.
However, we both realize it is the reality of the world we live in, but I think the very fact that we realize it is a reality means that we will work to avoid it. I sometimes think that having it in mind is more of a preventative than the nothing-will-ever-go-wrong attitude, (not saying that there is anything wrong with that attitude, just the case that I have seen it, it wasn't a good thing). I think being able to talk to each other about everything in marriage, both the big and the small things, helps you to keep your marriage strong. If you know before getting into things, like jobs and kids what you need to do to keep your marriage strong that you both will do what it takes. Whether it be date nights, mommy/daddy alone time, vacations, I think you'll both know what you need to do to make your marriage work.
I, too, am very Type A and with a bit of anexiety. I worry about divorce ALL THE TIME! It is to the point that it has made our engagement time a not very fun one for me and made me question everything and anything. Do we talk enough? Do we love each other enough? Can we get through anything? Will we be faithful?
But the Mister reminds me that we have to live in the present and not worry about things we can't control in the future. It's not the best line but it is true. We can plan for kids but can't control it. We can plan to be together forever but can't control it.
I guess there comes a point when you have to let go of the worry and enjoy what you have.
I think it's normal to worry too- I do, but I worry more about stagnation in the relationship than divorce exactly, but I think ultimately it's the same thing: loss of the quality and closeness of the relationship I have with my FI. Don't have to get divorced to have that happen, and I worry because it seems to happen so easily without the people involved noticing. But, my FI and I have good communication, and we've talked about a lot of things, so I think if either of us noticed things starting to slide we'd address it.
@roxy... being a firefighter doesn't have to be dangerous as long as he works for a department that has great training, keep that in mind. That said, do not do not do not avoid preparations like a will and a good life insurance policy. My dad is a firefighter, and a family friend of ours died in the Charleston fire two years ago and did not have any of those things... hardly any of those guys did, and while it was partially a fluke that the fire happened (so again, please do not worry!) it never hurts to be prepared.
Really, I worry all the time that something bad could happen, but I have a post-it note on my bulletin board that I look for when I do feel like that. It just says "live in the moment." It's a good saying because it's true--you do have to just go with the flow and live in the moment, not always worrying what could happen next. Good luck :)
I think what is scary about divorce is that you can only control your own actions. I can sit here and say that I think people don't work hard enough before getting divorced... but I can only control my actions and my reactions. I know for sure that before I considered getting a divorce I would work my ass off in therapy and in our relationship to try to repair things... but what if he just gives up? You can't fix something with someone who is unwilling. So then it comes down to.... do you trust him to keep trying even if he doesn't like you very much in that moment? I believe that we're both fighters. I believe that we're both committed to making our marriage last FOREVER, even if it isn't always easy or fun. Is there still a chance he'll just give up and leave me? sure... but there would ALWAYS be that chance. You have to have faith sometimes in the people you love.
As someone who has gone through a divorce, I do worry sometimes that it could happen in my second marriage. Because no matter how much effort you may put in, some things are out of your control- an unfaithful spouse for example. Even though I am a little afraid, I am still willing to try, try again! But I really do think the most important thing is to not get complacent- to actively stay on top of your marriage and work on it when problems arise.
With divorce rates like they are I don't blame you from worrying and although both my boyfriend and I don't believe in divorce it's still a concern of mine.
@LaborofLove-Thanks for bringing up that point. We actually have an appointment next Saturday for a retirement plan and life insurance for him. My mother is also doing our wills. He is an electrician and I have seen too many people in his field be killed or permanetly disabled. I hope we never have to face that but we do want to be prepared.
I think it's a common thought at least, if not an actual fear for all of us. I think the key is not to worry about DIVORCE so much as to be AWARE of the things that could potentially harm the relationship and lead in that direction. It's very important to keep in mind all of the things that make/made your relationship/marriage great in the beginning and to continuously work at keeping those things alive. A lot of couples get so comfortable in routine that those "little" things that mean so much tend to dwindle. That is when the overall tone of the relationship can change and unhappiness & dissatisfaction can creep in.
The thing that worries me is the fact that no one is immune to it and even really good couples get divorced sometimes. So there is just no way to know for sure going into marriage that this will never happen. There is no 'guarantee'. It is a chance we take and something we actively try to avoid!
I do worry about that somewhat because I feel like I'm still very young and nieve to what a marriage takes. The reality is that I'm not that young (I'm just a worrier!). I've never known someone who got divorced so I don't really know what it takes to go from happy couple to divorced - mysterious to me. And I'm just so aware of the fact that I can't see the future.
But I'm a worrier! This is what I do.
Nah, you're not crazy! I am a worrier too.
You aren't worrying about divorce, you are worrying about failure. There's a difference. It's pretty normal to worry about failure even without foundation. I know I did---all through college I worried about failing and I graduated with great grades. Every month at work I worry about not meeting my productivity quota and every month I pull through and do great. But it doesn't stop me worrying! It happens in my marriage too, and yet we are going stronger than ever. You just have to be positive. Look at all the other things in your life you accomplished even when you were worried you would fail, and be inspired.
i worry sometimes about it, but then i think about us and our relationship and i realize we're fine. my husband's brother actually announced that he's getting a divorce today and again it made me think... but they haven't had such a great relationship from the start, they're different from my husband and i, so again, i'm not too worried.
I think it's natural and healthy to think about relationship stuff. I worried before I got married as well. I totally agree with Moderndaisy on no guarantee in any kind of relationship or marriage. It is after all two people trying to live in one harmonious life, so there's a lot of work involved. I admire those who have been able to deal with whatever relationship problems head on and learn from them. I do believe that it is healthy to always work on your relationship then being in status quo. As long as you and your FI maintain an open dialogue about things in your life, then you should be able to relax and enjoy your life together.
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Okay, I am a type A personality and have a tendency to worry about everything even things that I currently have no control over. Since we got engaged everyone keeps saying how hard a marriage is and that you have to constantly work at your marriage.
I love me FI more than life itself and am not doubting marrying him, but am scared of getting divorced. I talked to him about this and he just thinks I'm crazy ;) I'm like well what if we get so busy and stressed and between the house and kids and everything that we don't work on our relationship.
Just wondering if I'm the only crazy bride who worried about things like this?!