(Closed) Anyone Else's FFIL Touchy Feely…Help!

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
9560 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

I would tell your FI, he should know. That behaviour would make me uncomfortable too!

Post # 4
Member
3403 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@slc201329:  Well, my FFIL is sort of a creeper too, but I personally don’t mind because that’s just the kind of guy he is. The first thing he said to me/FI when he met me was “You’re gonna bring this hot little thing around and taunt me, and I can’t touch!?” LOL Totally lude and inappropriate.

Then one time he actually grabbed my butt when he hugged me goodbye. My FI was mortified. I guess I just take it as a joke and don’t read into it. I know my FFIL would never legitimately make a move on me (by legitimately, I mean he would never actually attempt to cross that line into something sexual), and so I don’t see the point in letting it bother me.

If I were in your position, I would probably drop it for now and hope it doesn’t happen again. If it did happen again I would say something to your FI, but only if you actually felt like his dad was making a legitimate move on you. If it was joking/playful, I would say something to your FFIL about how you know he has a perverted sense of humor, but it gives you the heeby jeebies. As hard as it might be, if you do have to bring it up, I would try to do it light-heartedly, otherwise it could get really serious and awkward. If you want to PM me, feel free. Maybe knowing more about the situation would help. I doubt many people will respond to this (at least I hope not).

Post # 5
Member
7879 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Absolutely tell your FI. For instance, if you visit with them and get uncomfortable and want to leave, he’ll want to know what’s going on. I don’t subscribe to “Ignorance is bliss”, especially when it comes to your own partner.

Post # 6
Member
5757 posts
Bee Keeper

In what world is this ever right? Some older guys turn into dirty old men and are given that handle for a reason. It is not appropriate in any way, shape, or form, and his wife’s response says to me this is an ongoing problem with this man. It is NOT OK, and I don’t think you should ignore it or keep it from your FI. What he does with the information is on him, but he absolutely should know why you may not want to be around his Dad for any length of time.

His Mom saw and heard it, so there’s no denying it happened. If you were the only one who knew it, I could see your FI maybe being doubtful about it and even thinking you were mistaken, but you have a witness. Nip it in the bud.

My FIL was like that and I told my husband how uncomfortable he made me feel. It was shocking to me that anyone would think it was welcome or appropriate. I steered clear of him whenever I had to be around him, so I know exactly how you feel.

We became more distant with his family as it was just too weird to be around them very often. I also had 2 little girls that I wasn’t ever leaving alone with him.

Shut it down now and let your FI decide how he wants to approach his Dad.

Post # 7
Member
4242 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It’s definitely inappropriate. However, if you would rather avoid telling your FI, you could give your FFIL one more chance (though I wouldn’t  spend any time with him alone).  Your FMIL says she talked to him, so there’s a good chance he’ll behave – especially if FMIL is around. That said, you need to do what feels right to you!

As for your FMIL’s reaction – she did the right thing by talking to him, and while a courtesy “sorry,” may have sounded nice, she herself doesn’t really owe you an apology – she tried to get him to stop bothering you while you were there and she talked to him about it after your visit of her own accord. She was likely as uncomfortable as you are with her husband touching and tickling her son’s FI.

Post # 8
Member
7870 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

the FFIl should have stopped the moment you said No.

i would absolutely tell your FI.  that is inappropriate behavior.

 

Post # 9
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@slc201329:  I would really tell your FI that this happened.

FI’s dad has been a little too touchy feely in the past – at one point he whacked me on the bottom. So I screamed at him and basically told him to eff off, he hasn’t done anything like that again.

If you have told him explicitly to stop behaving in this way I would definitely tell your FI and let him talk to his father about it (to me it sounds like he isn’t going to listen to his wife) and do all that I could to avoid your FFIL!

Post # 10
Member
2100 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You feel invaded because you were! It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or what they are ok with…what matters is how YOU feel. I have had groping bosses and other members of my family and it’s an absolutely gross feeling. Here’s how I handled it:

When they start to try to touch you, freeze up, take about 3 giant steps back and say, “Whoa! I need my space!” REALLY LOUDLY. You see, gropers are actually a form of abusers. And to abuse, abusers need secret actions and spaces. One cannot abuse if put into the light. Will they be an asshole to you? Probably. You’ve just called them out. But they invaded your body and space so I say it’s even.

In the meantime, if you don’t feel comfortable with telling your FI, just show him the post you wrote. This might freak him out, so you be strong with your emotions, no matter what his reaction is. No matter what. Just tell him, “I wanted you to know because I value the honesty in our relationship”.

And stop going over there alone. No you didn’t ask for it. No you didn’t do anything wrong. But stop putting yourself in any situation where anyone can harm you. His wife sees it and it’s likely not the first time. She clearly cannot be counted on to help keep you safe, so it’s your job to do it alone. When you are with FI make a pact that not leave you alone. If he has to go to the bathroom, go out to the car or find another bathroom to go to.

 

I do sideways hugs, too!!!! =) My groping family member got offended too and said something out loud like, “You always hug me so I’m kissing your hair”. I just loudly said, “Sorry! It’s how I hug!”. He hasn’t said anything since.

Post # 13
Member
3645 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

The longer you wait to tell your FI, the more hurt he will be that you didn’t tell him straight away, and the fishier it will seem. 

Make sure you have his brother’s girlfriend’s support if he needs someone to confirm the story.

From your FMIL’s reaction it seems to me like he’s done this before. 

Just because he’s your FI’s father doesn’t mean that he isn’t a human, a human who has done wrong by you and should be dealt with accordingly. 

Post # 14
Member
2128 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Baby #2 due Sep 2017

Ewwww!!! Definitely inappropriate!

I would nip this in the bud now rather than later and tell FI and hopefully get him to confront this. In the mean time I wouldn’t spend any time alone with your FFIL until you have your FI as a bodyguard.

Good luck coming up with the wording!

Post # 15
Member
3403 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@slc201329:  Wow, the FBIL’s girlfriend’s reaction says it all. If it makes you genuinely uncomfortable to a degree that you cannot ignore (which clearly, it does) then you must say something.

The topic ‘Anyone Else's FFIL Touchy Feely…Help!’ is closed to new replies.

Get our weekly roundup of the best of Weddingbee.
I agree to receive emails from the site. I can withdraw my consent at any time by unsubscribing.

Find Amazing Vendors